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I've posted before that my H is the definition of a "nice guy". I love him so much and before anyone says it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being nice! Except when it prevents you from telling your spouse what you like, expressing your opinions, and expecting your wife to mind read, then being resentful when she doesn't guess correctly.

So, I had the realization a few days ago that I literally have NO IDEA what my H really likes in bed. Obviously he likes me, and he always seems to enjoy himself...he's never complained. But what I mean is, I have no idea if he prefers certain things over others, if he has any fantasies he's always wanted to try. I have no idea where his mind goes when he's thinking sexy thoughts or what kind of porn he likes or if there is anything I could be improving about my technique in bed. We've been having sex for eight years and everything I have learned about pleasing him has come to me by trial and error.

I wasn't a virgin when we got together and have always been pretty good about gauging his excitement/response from a physical stand point. I learned most of my lessons about how to touch him by asking him to masturbate in front of me. Then I took those principles and applied them across all aspects of our lovemaking. My only recognition of a job well done is when he O's. He has never once told me "Wow that was amazing." Or even really moaned or sounded excited during the act itself. So I wonder....am I not as good as I think I am?

But yea, it is frustrating! I have poured my heart out to him, telling him all my desires and wish I could hear the same thing in return. It occurred to me that I really have no idea where I rank in his head in terms of skill and technique. I know that might sound silly but I would take any feedback he had, good or bad, and be so happy that he just gave me a real insight into where I stand.

Also I would really like to hear him guide me sometimes, tell me what feels good to him, suggest new things for us to try. I would love for him to even express to me that he is horny for god sakes! He never initiates. I know his drive is higher than mine, and I know that unless I make grand gestures to initiate sex frequently enough, he will masturbate rather than come to me and try to initiate. (Its not like i dont know what hes doing when every 3rd or 4th day his showers are 20 mins longer than usual.) Even when I tell him its an open door...it would turn me on instantly to know he desired me that way.

Ok rant over. I am just feeling frustrated. Any suggestions for me?
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I could be classified as a "nice guy" also but I have no problem telling my wife what I want or what feels good. One thing that we have done is read a book together (like "The Guide to Getting It On") and talk about what we are reading.
 

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Are you married to MY husband?! I could have written that post myself. Wow.

All I can say is keep trying. We've been dealing with a lot of stuff more serious than this in the last couple of years, and one thing that's happened is that he is FINALLY starting to open up a wee bit more about what he likes in bed (as well as in other aspects of his life). He has always been SO focused on me and my pleasure that I don't even know if HE knows what he likes. But we're getting there. We also talk about this in MC.

I keep plugging away, bringing things up, suggesting things, asking him when we're doing it if this or that feels good or he likes it or to tell me what he wants. It's a slow process but I think we're making some headway at least :)
 

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Sometimes it's hard to open up and have these conversations. Have you started by telling him, explicitly, what you like/want?

Maybe it would be more comfortable to do it via text/email, ask him to tell you exactly what he wants you to do to him tonight.

If he's uncomfortable with that, you start. Send him a detailed scenario that you want to act out with him tonight. Maybe spice it up with a picture or two to get him going.
 

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kag, he has been communicating nonverbally all along... in other words when you experiment has been using subtle things to let you know when you do something he likes. The problem with that approach is it leaves you feeling uncertain and it also means that if you don't try things he would like he will never get to experience them. and it sounds like he is WAY too subtle.

Do you ever do any kind of tying up or anything (specifically him tying you you up?)... reason I say is because once you are immobile it is completely on him to lead and do what comes next. If not I would try it out - he may feel awkward and disoeriented at first but if he becomes comfortable in that role it will be very empowering for him.
 

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The one piece of advice I can give you is to be open and VERY receptive when he expresses what he likes. I know for me I have a ton of things that I would like but I automatically assume that she would not like it. I've been putting myself out there A LOT more over the last 9 months, but I'm still VERY SENSITIVE to her reactions. If I sense any hesitation I interpret it as rejection and I completely shut down. If you truly want him to show you what he wants then you have to avoid sending those negative signals at all costs. He'll sense them no matter how subtle.

Also, I agree with Lon. When I started tying my wife up, it opened me up quite a bit.
 

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I suspect fear of rejection is part of the reason he is reticent to voice his preferences.

It could also be, like me, short of anything painful, pretty much everything you do during sex feels good. If anything, he's avoiding feeling "too good" until he knows you've been satisfied. For myself I concentrate on my partner first cause my orgasm is pretty much a given.
 

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This may sound silly, but how about giving him a set of "gift" cards (bj, hj, you tied up, you on top, etc). Tell him they are redeemable at any time. He doesn't even have to hand them to you, just leave them on your pillow. Also include the ability to trade in one card for another, so if he likes doggie, he can trade in a HJ card for a different card.
 

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I don't understand some guys. I love mixing it up in the bedroom. I love just "taking" her. I love it when she wants something "different". My mind is constantly at work trying to think of something "different."

It's like a hobby of mine.
 

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We sometimes, when it's a more involved session, get one of our laptops out and look on a sex positions website. There one called 101 sex positions, or something like that.

We then choose one we are going to try at some point during our session.

Would he be open to that do you think? It might start opening him up to letting you know whatever he likes.
 

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The one piece of advice I can give you is to be open and VERY receptive when he expresses what he likes. I know for me I have a ton of things that I would like but I automatically assume that she would not like it. I've been putting myself out there A LOT more over the last 9 months, but I'm still VERY SENSITIVE to her reactions. If I sense any hesitation I interpret it as rejection and I completely shut down. If you truly want him to show you what he wants then you have to avoid sending those negative signals at all costs. He'll sense them no matter how subtle.

Also, I agree with Lon. When I started tying my wife up, it opened me up quite a bit.
Along those lines, give yourself a safe-word. Let him know that if he does something you don't like, you have that word to fall back on. It may give him some confidence to know when it is just anticipation or nerves versus something you actually don't like or want.
 

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I've posted before that my H is the definition of a "nice guy". I love him so much and before anyone says it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being nice! Except when it prevents you from telling your spouse what you like, expressing your opinions, and expecting your wife to mind read, then being resentful when she doesn't guess correctly.

So, I had the realization a few days ago that I literally have NO IDEA what my H really likes in bed. Obviously he likes me, and he always seems to enjoy himself...he's never complained. But what I mean is, I have no idea if he prefers certain things over others, if he has any fantasies he's always wanted to try. I have no idea where his mind goes when he's thinking sexy thoughts or what kind of porn he likes or if there is anything I could be improving about my technique in bed. We've been having sex for eight years and everything I have learned about pleasing him has come to me by trial and error.

I wasn't a virgin when we got together and have always been pretty good about gauging his excitement/response from a physical stand point. I learned most of my lessons about how to touch him by asking him to masturbate in front of me. Then I took those principles and applied them across all aspects of our lovemaking. My only recognition of a job well done is when he O's. He has never once told me "Wow that was amazing." Or even really moaned or sounded excited during the act itself. So I wonder....am I not as good as I think I am?

But yea, it is frustrating! I have poured my heart out to him, telling him all my desires and wish I could hear the same thing in return. It occurred to me that I really have no idea where I rank in his head in terms of skill and technique. I know that might sound silly but I would take any feedback he had, good or bad, and be so happy that he just gave me a real insight into where I stand.

Also I would really like to hear him guide me sometimes, tell me what feels good to him, suggest new things for us to try. I would love for him to even express to me that he is horny for god sakes! He never initiates. I know his drive is higher than mine, and I know that unless I make grand gestures to initiate sex frequently enough, he will masturbate rather than come to me and try to initiate. (Its not like i dont know what hes doing when every 3rd or 4th day his showers are 20 mins longer than usual.) Even when I tell him its an open door...it would turn me on instantly to know he desired me that way.

Ok rant over. I am just feeling frustrated. Any suggestions for me?
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This description sounds exactly to a tee like my wife... thing is we have been married 20 + years. Honestly, I can tell you this for sure that nothing has changed and I have tried everything known to man. Nothing changes. I hope for you it will but I have doubts.. I think these types of people are so repressed that they simply cannot come out of their shells long enough to enjoy anything.
 

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Why don't you just ask him what he likes and what his fantasies are and follow suit?
I've tried that, and all I usually get is something like "I like whatever turns you on" or "I like it when you cum" and other such stuff. If I push it he starts making jokes :mad: He has said he fantasizes about a threesome with another woman - like most guys I guess - but that isn't about to become reality. He doesn't want it to be real anyway. Getting him to talk about it is a PITA. You just have to keep trying and keep trying.
 

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I could be classified as a "nice guy" also but I have no problem telling my wife what I want or what feels good. One thing that we have done is read a book together (like "The Guide to Getting It On") and talk about what we are reading.
Same here. Maybe there are degrees of "nice guyness" as I have no problem telling her what I like, talking dirty, or having my way with her.

He really needs to learn that he can't get what he wants without communicating. You're right, OP. It's not fair to you to mind read and be emotionally punished for guessing wrong.
 

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I'm a nice guy and my wife is the nice girl. Sometimes it isn't the greatest match sexually to both be "nice." I've been slowly beating down the walls.

Directly asking has been tough though. I build up the courage to ask, and feel like I don't get a completely honest answer. I told my wife I think we both have an inner freak that we are hesitant to share with each other.

I have found that I have been slowly able to push the envelope. It hasn't always been easy being the "nice" guy. It pushes me out of my comfort zone, but it has been worth it to a point. Still have a ways to go, but I see progress.

Push his envelope some. Start fairly slow but maybe do something a little out of the ordinary and see his response. You might have to continue to initiate and suggest things. Being the "nice" guy myself, I imagine I could be persuaded to do some things if my wife were the more naughty of the two. :)
 

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Sexual toxic shame is a hallmark of a pathologically Nice Guy. There is a difference between being a polite man and being a pathologically Nice (wimpy doormat indefinite indecisive fearful...) Guy. Your hubby sounds like he has some anxieties over discussing sex with you which could be sexual toxic shame and which could also be related to fearing you having a negative reaction.

He might really benefit from the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. And the support forums at nomoremrniceguy.com/forums where he can discuss these things.

You might try taking the sex discussions out of the bedroom. Break it into little bites. Be direct and ask him "What part of my body do you like best? My legs or my tits?" Be specific so he has to make a choice. Then reply "Good!" and walk away. Do it flirty. Do it when there is no chance for sex. This kind of thing lets him know that you like sex and you don't think it is dirty or bad. Send him a sexy text one day. Or send him a close up picture of some part of your body which is not obvious and challenge him to guess what part it is. Just be a little playful and do it in little bits at random times.

If he is a Nice Guy he may feel a lot of pressure to pleasure you sexually, and thus he might be anxious about giving you a "wrong" answer when you ask him what he likes. He might have toxic shame where he doesn't deeply believe he has a right to like sex without guilt. Talking outside of the bedroom can place the conversation away from anxieties he might feel if sex is happening or about to happen.

Make him take charge sometimes. For example you tell him that tonight you will not do anything without him first telling you precisely what to do. He has to direct you to kiss him, touch him someplace specific, move over there, take your clothes off, etc. Tell him you are his sex toy. Hopefully he will lose his inhibitions to talk to you, and hopefully he will reveal things he likes by telling you what to do.

You might have to tell him very directly he is being a wuss about talking to you about sex.
 

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Good luck! Make him read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and other "man-up" literature. We nice guys, former and present, need to have our noses rubbed in reality for long enough before we change.
 
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