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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I hate having sex with with husband.

When he touches me it makes me want to cringe. I hate kissing him, his scent makes me want to vomit. We have a very unhealthy relationship, full of arguing and dysfunctional communication, name calling etc. So it is really hard for me to just put this aside and all of a sudden decide that I am attracted to him and want to be intimate with him. Its literally impossible to the extent that Ive had to get up in the middle of sex and leave the room.

Yes we've been to counseling for years, nothing seems to be helping. In his opinion, everything is my fault. He doesn't take ownership of the role that he plays in this. I literally get called names every day. He tells me he wishes I would die (i'm 5 months pregnant by the way), says I'm sick and twisted, stupid, a mistake, talks about my family... and it goes on and on until I can muster up the spirit to have sex with him again for the sake of peace. Sex is like a pacifier. I do it to shut him up. Then all of a sudden he flips into this wonderful man until a few days pass and he gets pissed again that we haven't had sex in a while and the cycle continues. Hey, I'm no saint either. I try to not act out in anger, but sometimes it gets the best of me too and we just go back and forth and back and forth in these ugly tornado arguments.

I understand that he needs sex, and I understand that being rejected sexually can be infuriating. But I honestly feel like I cannot keep up with the demand. And I read about so many women who just have sex just to have it.. I wish I could do that. I cannot have sex with someone that I hate. My body, or maybe its my mind, can't tolerate affection coming from someone who treats me to horribly. And then to be blamed for everything on top of it makes it a thousand times worse. How do I fix a marriage with someone who doesn't think they are doing anything wrong? I literally cannot put up with this any longer. It is so incredibly painful that I feel like I am withering away each day.

I know that this is not sustainable. If I don't figure out how to have sex with him more often (right now its like about once a week or so).. then I'm pretty sure this marriage will not last. But right now I cant even be in the same room as him or even have a conversation with him without it blowing up. I have no idea what to do. I'm trying to hold onto this marriage for several reasons, but most importantly, I have a 21 month old and a baby on the way. I just want to have a normal marriage and family so badly for their sake. Not sure that it will ever be..
 

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Why oh why are you having another baby with him?

This is possibly one of the most toxic threads I have read here. You need to get some self esteem asap. TBH I would end it all now. Why do you put up with being abused and stepped all over?
 

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When he touches me it makes me want to cringe. I hate kissing him, his scent makes me want to vomit. We have a very unhealthy relationship
No kidding

You need to hold off from the sex and a baby because the truth is this is just too unhealthy to live with. This is worse than a roommate situation, you despise him. If it's not working out, leave, don't bring a child into this mess.
 

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WOW

I agree time to move on. you actually cringe and hate your husbands touch.

Did you ever enjoy having sex with him?
did you ever explain what your needs were sexualy?
what the h*ll dose the MC say about your harsh feeling about your husband?

do you have a sex drive at all? maybe post pardum depression.

If you were being honest about how you truly feel about your husband and not just venting then I think divorce would be good all the way around for your whole family raising children in an inviroment like that is just going to cause them the same type of problems in their marriage.


break the cycle your not happy and hes not happy which most likley will make the kids not happy its a lose lose for all.


good luck
 
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If you're staying in such a marriage just for the sake of the kid, then you might actually make things worse for the kid, as the kid will grow up in such a hating environment. Not to mention that if the kid grows up and realizes that he/she is responsible for mom to put up with dad for all the years, it would affect him negatively and it's not fair.
 

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IMO if things are as bad as you say and you truly want out, you will find a way to get out of of this mess. Also, if you stay because of the kids sake, you're not doing them any favors, if anything it will just make things worse. If you feel you deserve better then you probably do.
 
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Give your children up for adoption and divorce your husband. There is a long waiting list of loving, stable couples dying to give your children the perfect environment that you and your husband can't.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
We did not plan the pregnancy. We would not intentionally get pregnant with all of this going on.

I am not giving up my children for adoption. I think that's pretty self explanatory.

Yes I do have a sex drive. I just find it difficult to be intimate with so many marital problems that seem so difficult to resolve. The MC says we have power struggle issues. She thinks that I find my power by refusing sex from him and he finds power by trying to demand it. It sounds crazy but for some reason the cycle is so hard to break. If one of us concedes, things get better. But we are like 2 bulls that lock heads over lots of things. I am 10 years younger than him and stay at home. I have had trouble finding my own autonomy in this marriage. I really feel like a subordinate. I don't have my own money to just do things for myself with. I am an artist, but even with that, he has such a heavy hand in setting prices for the pieces that I sell... I just feel suffocated. So I guess I have a small tolerance for feeling demanded of and controlled. And he craves respect. He did not grow up with his father so I think he just doesn't know how to be someone who commands, not demands respect. He goes about it in the wrong ways and it leaves me feeling like his kid or employee most of the time. So these two issues intertwine so intricately it seems, that its hard to break it apart to change behaviors.

I am not staying married "for the kids". It is not that simple guys. I am a person of faith and I got married truly believing that God would help us throughout the course of our marriage to heal areas that would need healing. It's my faith that gives me hope that things will get better for us and our children. I am not saying that I think this situation is better for my children than us being apart. I just want to make sure that I have exhausted all of whatever I can give before I walk away. I am holding out on hope.

And I wrote the thread bc I am frustrated. But I also want to know what I can do to make this better bc I know that I contribute to the problem.
 

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I agree with WorkingOnMe.

I'm a Christian also, but merely staying married isn't fulfilling what the Bible says for wives to do. Although there's not a lot of detail in the Bible about what marriage should be, I do believe there's enough to help improve the atmosphere.

Before anything can improve, though, boundaries need to be set and enforced. Verbal abuse should not be tolerated. You can disagree in a healthy way that doesn't involve hatred or resentment.

Is your husband also a Christian? Does he know that husbands are commanded to love their wife as Christ loves the church? Is he aware that saying he wishes you're dead is definitely not treating you in a loving way?
 
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The part of your story that bothers me most is this: "It is not that simple guys. I am a person of faith and I got married truly believing that God would help us throughout the course of our marriage to heal areas that would need healing."

I see this so many times. When will people understand, they are responsible for making thier life what they want? Even if ther were a God, they are still the ones that interrupt the signs. The course of action to take is up to YOU!
 

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The part of your story that bothers me most is this: "It is not that simple guys. I am a person of faith and I got married truly believing that God would help us throughout the course of our marriage to heal areas that would need healing."

I see this so many times. When will people understand, they are responsible for making thier life what they want? Even if ther were a God, they are still the ones that interrupt the signs. The course of action to take is up to YOU!
This is a great point. Just believing in God isn't going to automatically effect a marriage.
 
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I hate having sex with with husband.
But, you love his money... JK :D

Being stuck in an unhealthy relationship isn't good for either one of you and your children.

So, if you can't have sex with him then its better to move on and let him be with someone who will have sex with him.
 
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Get out of this marriage. It is toxic. Religion doesn't endorse staying in verbally abusive marriages. You hate the guy. You don't even like him. He repulses you. You're disgusted by the site of him. You are young. This is not how life is meant to be. You will increasingly become more miserable, angry, resentful, and hateful. This is no way to raise a family. I know how harmful a sick marriage is to kids, especially when kids grow up watching their father treat their mother like sh*t. I'm telling you - there is nothing that makes a child feel worse than helplessly watching their mother be treated this way. Forget your obligation to your religion. You have a greater obligation to your children. Get out NOW!
 

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Why did you marry him in the first place? Was it an unplanned pregnancy? From your description, it sounds that he wasn't all that great of a guy to begin with.

I will never understand why people that are in dysfunctional relationships think they will evolve into healthy marriages.
 

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Forget your obligation to your religion.
One can argue whether one's religion permits divorce, and under what circumstances. But I bristle at the notion that religious obligations should just be ignored. That isn't much different than arguing that everyone should be an atheist.
 

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If you are a woman of faith then talk to your clergy for advice. At this point the needs of the children need to have first consideration.
 
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