[pjp]

i have been married for nearly 19 years, i am 44 and my wife is 40, we have two wonderful daughters, for the last 18 months i have tried everything to try and get my wife interested, my wife does not like going out for a drink and if i suggest going for a meal she wont go without our daughters, i cook romantic meals, i have had to ask for affection, when we do have sex i would say 60% of the time it is a major chore for her, i am not allowed to initiate sex as she covers up and stops me and immediately goes to sleep, i have to wait for her to start it, i have tried to talk to her about it but whenever i do she says she never knew there was a problem, we might have sex an extra once in a month and then back to the normal once or twice a month, my wife has called me a dirty old man if i try and do it more, it is allways on her terms, i have thought of leaving but i couldnt bear leaving my two beautiful daughters, fed up! had enough! and dont know which way to turn,

 

[jeepgal]

Why do men want to leave when the sex starts to slow down? Twice a month with your wife, with whom you have made vows to love honor through good and bad, or divorce her and be single and only have sex sporadically throughout the year when you're lucky enough to get a date?

 

[PBear]

Why do men want to leave when the sex starts to slow down? Twice a month with your wife, with whom you have made vows to love honor through good and bad, or divorce her and be single and only have sex sporadically throughout the year when you're lucky enough to get a date?

If sex is that un-important to a woman, why does she care if he sleeps with someone else? After all, it's just sex. It obviously has nothing to do with building and maintaining a strong emotional connection...

C

 

[pjp]

there is nothing i wouldnt do for my wife, and i do everything for my wife, i love her with all my heart but is marraige not about give and take!

 

[FormerNiceGuy]

Why do men want to leave when the sex starts to slow down? Twice a month with your wife, with whom you have made vows to love honor through good and bad, or divorce her and be single and only have sex sporadically throughout the year when you're lucky enough to get a date?

Hey Jeep, there ain't no Wizard and this isn't Oz:rofl:

 

[FormerNiceGuy]

PJP:

This is a wildly common scenario. Read through the posts in this section of TAM (if you haven't already) and see how much company you have - lots!

I would read the "Man Up" sticky in the Men's Clubhouse and see if any light bulbs go off for you.

Take the "nice guy" test on the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" website and see if any light bulbs go off. If they do, buy the book and do the work - fantastic stuff.

Check out Athol Kay's Married Man Sex Life blog.

my wife has called me a dirty old man if i try and do it more, it is allways on her terms, i have thought of leaving but i couldnt bear leaving my two beautiful daughters, fed up! had enough! and dont know which way to turn,

Sounds like your wife has sexual hangups. You sound like a nice guy and that could be part of your problem as well.

This problem isn't about sex, it is fundamental to your relationship. Please reread that sentence, again and again.

Forget about sex for the time being and concentrate on fixing yourself. It will be a lot of hard work, but the payoff is huge. Your life, including your sexuality, will fall into place in ways you likely can not imagine.

 

[Toffer]

Jeep,

Part of the vows that is understood is that the two will not persue relations with others outside the marriage. I'm willing to bet the OP will tell us (if we ask) that he and his wife had sex like mad before they married.

Sure, you can tone down the frequency a bit and contribute it to age, raising children and work schedules but only 2x a month? Ridiculous!

PJP, does your wife work outside the home? Did you have a more frequent sex life two years ago? Did anything change? Has your physical appearance changed?

You're not alone! I struggle with wanting a more active sex life too. I am a little better off than you since we average almost 1x week but my goal would be 2x a week

BTW, if you google the term "sexless marriage" I think you'l find that your frequency puts you in this category.

Time to open up the communication lines and get talking. Think about counseling because this isn't going to get better on its own.

Others will jump in and give you solid advice about how to stop doing everthing for your wife and start doing for yourself (TallaverageGuy, where are you?). Basically. stop being a doormat and smoothering her with affection and kindness.

 

[pjp]

one of the problems is that my wife does not come any where near me any other time, we had a great sex life a number of years ago, i have also asked her to go to counceling but the answer was "not in her lifetime", other than our sexlife we are very happy together

 

[jeepgal]

I'm not trying to put the blame on you, pjp but I know from my own experience that there are times when I just don't have any desire for sex with my h. Usually it's because he has done something to upset me and it's hard to be sexual with someone who has pissed you off.

 

[pjp]

i do more than my fair share of housework, looking after our daughters, cooking, and renovations to the house, the twice a month if i am lucky is supposed to be my wife trying her best to help the situation

 

[Mistys dad]

Why do men want to leave when the sex starts to slow down? Twice a month with your wife, with whom you have made vows to love honor through good and bad, or divorce her and be single and only have sex sporadically throughout the year when you're lucky enough to get a date?

Have you looked at the number of posts in this forum by women with the exact same issue?

 

[pjp]

toffer, my wife works in a office and both of us hav'nt changed much since we met, i would say we are both 3 or 4 kilo heavier but other than that the only difference is my chioce of clothes is much improved,

 

[Cupcake37]

Twice a month....count yourself lucky, I have had sex with my husband twice this year!

Sorry I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better but to be honest I have given up.There are only so many times that you can be rejetced before it slowly starts to destroy you. Have you tried talking to you wife and telling her how you feel? Perhaps you could try and reach a compromise of say 1 per week?

Good luck

 

[pjp]

a magic wand would be pretty good! i bagree the rejection destroys your soul, over the last 18 months i have tried on numerous occasions and my wife says everytime that she thought we were ok and happy, then nothing changes, even if we were to do it more the problem there would be over half the time i know and feel its not what she wants, knowing that your wife can do without you in the bedroom is quite soul destroying also.

 

[Cupcake37]

Then she obviously knows you are not happy and o.k with the situation. Have you been specific and told her you want more sex?

I know what you mean about nothing changes. I feel as if things slowly improve then quite quickly slip back to normal. I feel as if I am begging him for sex and it has reached a stage where he has hurt me so much, I don't really want him anywhere near me anymore. You don't really want to do it with somebody who is doing it just to shut you up do you? I don't think he has any concept of how hurtful his rejections have been to me. If it was the otherway around I could never reject him night after night after night. I find it really hard how a husband or wife can do this to their respective partners, somebody who they are suppose to love and cherish, and not care or realise the impact of their actions.

I am sorry I haven't been much help but you are not alone, take care

 

[FormerNiceGuy]

I know what you mean about nothing changes. I feel as if things slowly improve then quite quickly slip back to normal.

Folks, everyone seems to be missing the point that this isn't about sex, it is about dysfunctional relationships.

Keep focusing on the sex and nothing will improve.

Fix yourselves, put up proper boundaries and you will have something - if there is something in your relationship to have. Otherwise, you will feel fine moving on and developing a healthy relationship with a new person.

 

[MrVanilla]

...when we do have sex i would say 60% of the time it is a major chore for her, i am not allowed to initiate sex as she covers up and stops me and immediately goes to sleep, i have to wait for her to start it ...it is always on her terms,

After I read and re-read your post, the key terms to me seem to be that you are not allowed to initiate and that it's always on her terms.

This to me, seems a one-sided situation that you need to very gently and lovingly explore. A relationship by all terms should be a partnership, not a dictatorship. If satisfying these physical urges are that important, this is where I would begin a discussion that is goal oriented.

 

[Shiksa]

have you told your wife everything that you have written here? Really tell her how it makes you feel? I was in a sexless marriage for many years (we are talking years without sex) It finally came to a head about 6 months ago and laying it all out to my husband has made a world of difference. We went from sexless to WOW! I think communicating how I truly felt and how hurt I was and the damaging it was doing made the difference for us. I was always afraid of hurting my husband who I love dearly and have been married to for 18 years.

Maybe your wife will be like me. After 40 my sex drive started to really get going (which made it doubly hard being sexless) but I'm really enjoying it now!

 

[chillymorn]

Why do men want to leave when the sex starts to slow down? Twice a month with your wife, with whom you have made vows to love honor through good and bad, or divorce her and be single and only have sex sporadically throughout the year when you're lucky enough to get a date?

the same reason many women leave when their emotional needs arn't being met!


as a single man I had far more sex than a married man.not all women are sexuall repressed.

 

[pjp]

thanks for all your comments, i have asked for it a few more times and told her that i am not happy but like you say nothing ever changes, also having sex with someone who does not is not good sex, it might sound a bit wimpy but the emotional side of her rejecting me is also destroying my confidence.