[FloridaGuy1]

That does sound bad.

I guess thats why porn is so popular?

 

[FloridaGuy1]

to answer your thought… “One should leave because they will be happier alone rather than replacing one with the other, because alone is the only thing you are guaranteed when divorced.”

Had I left my wife, I would go into the divorce knowing I needed to be 100 percent happier on my own. I am perfectly capable of finding my own happiness in solitude. I used to love being single as I had a lot of fun. When you’re single you have no one to answer too. You have zero obligations to anyone as a single person. You can live the life you choose. When you are in a relationship there are compromises. I know in my heart of hearts that had I left my wife I would have remained single for the rest of my life… and thoroughly enjoyed each day. The older I get… the less I enjoy compromising… so… I will never have a relationship again if that were to have happened.

Thats probably not a bad way to look at it.

I think staying single allows one to make easier decisions if things don't go well. A relationship would be good but not one bound by laws and such as marriage is. One where you can get out easily if you need to would probably be best.

 

[ConanHub]

I guess thats why porn is so popular?

Oh I think porn has always been a power unto itself regardless.

No woman has ever attempted star fish sex with this barbarian though.

I had to research the term and I laughed.

It's ridiculous on her part of course but too many men have apparently lost the edge

 

[FloridaGuy1]

Oh I think porn has always been a power unto itself regardless.

No woman has ever attempted star fish sex with this barbarian though.

I had to research the term and I laughed.

It's ridiculous on her part of course but too many men have apparently lost the edge

No woman I wasn't married to have done that to me either.

And I don't think its always men losing the edge, I think its the women sometimes giving up on even trying so no matter what the guy does, its not going to get better. And that could go both ways for men or women as we see posts here where the guy has become the dud so its the woman asking for help.

 

[Divinely Favored]

Also, I don’t think a guy who’s been with 200 people was going to happy monogamous anyway. Just saying. 200 is a lot. I’m sure he’s comparing. Which isn’t a good thing to do

Same reason many guys do not want a mate with high body count and fact that % of women, with higher body count, being less satisfied in current relationship. Higher count ups the odds that there are one or two that are the ones that got away, that she pines away for.

I was one of those. Had a GF I left when I started college. She got married and had kids, then divorced. Her uncle said it was because she could not get over me and it destroyed her marriage.

 

[Young at Heart]

@Young at Heart I think this fits you pretty close, no? I know his wife came out and said she no longer wanted sex. Not sure how long they were actually "sexless", but they turned it around.

My wife and I have a total of eight years together. We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. Our problem is this… we have different sexual needs. (I need it daily). (My wife needs it never… I just overheard her say, to a friend of hers, she only “puts out” to make me happy. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times per month… maybe. The other 27 days I get rejected). It’s a really ****ty feeling to know that my wife isn’t interested me, physically, but I know I can go out one night and find several women that are able and willing.....

Should I stay or shoukd I go?…. Your thoughts?

Sort of, but I never pressured my wife for sex daily.
The first post was from early 2022 and he hadn't been married that long.

My perspective is that it is worth trying to save a long term marriage or one with small children if two love each other and have a fair chance at compromise.

 

[In Absentia]

Sort of, but I never pressured my wife for sex daily.

I never pressured my wife for sex daily. Even before scheduling, we were having sex twice a month, but the simple fact that I would complain after, let's say, 10 days, it was enough for her to feel pressured. It's one of those things. When that happens, it's difficult to get back to normal.

 

[oldshirt]

The words I used were “some” as it relates to faking it and “many” as it relates to women who don’t want sex as frequently as their husbands and “most” as it relates to women recognizing that it’s an important part of marriage. And, yes, many do fear divorce enough to perform to the best of their ability even when they’d rather not. I think turning around a dead bedroom — really turning it around with full engagement — is extremely rare. Maybe the OP will end up being a success story. Maybe he won’t. It’s obviously up to him what he does with his life.

Yes, sadly that’s not uncommon. She’s saying she does because she wants to stay in the marriage. It’s just not there for her and many others.

To be fair, there are lots of things men do to stay in the marriage that they really do not want to do.

Do guys really want to go see their wife's Aunt Harriet and take her a casserole after her bunion surgery? Do men really want to drive around town gathering up a carload of kids for a bday and then taking them home after they're all hyped up on sugar? Do men really want to go furniture shopping every year or two when a beanbag with a gaming console infront of the tv is good enough for them? Do men really want to go to ANY family reunions let alone their wife's reunions? Do men really want to do dishes and laundry every day or is it good enough to do it once they are down to the last clean plate and the last pair of clean socks and underwear?

And ultimately, is the biggest sacrifice at the marriage alter of them all a man giving up his sexual freedom and living with a lackluster or in many cases a non existent sex life in order to remain married?

In other words, we talk of women making the sacrifice of putting out sexually when they aren't feeling it for the benefit of the marriage, but aren't men doing the same thing when they accept a dismal sex life?

If it was all about sex, I would've been several years ago. Yes, my was does duty sex in an effort to keep me from going out into the streets and keep the home intact while we still have a kid in the house.

But at the same time, I have supressed and curtailed and sacrificed my innate want for passion and try to not pressure or overtly criticise her to keep her from fleeing out into the street and keep the home intact while we still have a kid in the house.

This is the true meaning of compromise.

Is it the right thing or the wrong thing?

I dunno. I've been struggling with that question for years.

 

[oldshirt]

I can't remember if I have posted here about this or not, I know I did when I was on Love Shack.

But what are the actual ethical ramifications of duty sex???

If you are doing something that you know the other person doesn't really want, is that ethical?

But if your other alternatives are to dissolve the marriage or get it elsewhere, are those options more or less ethical?

And if that person is doing Duty Sex so that you do not do either of those other two options, then does that mean that they would prefer to do the duty rather than have you leave or get it elsewhere, then does that mean taking them up on it is more ethical than the other two?

AND if someone is willing to do the duty in order to keep you in the home and keep you out of other people's beds, Wouldn't it then be even less ethical to leave or get it elsewhere?

Do you see the dilemma here?

Does it make you a bigger asshole if you are having someone do something you know they do not want to do?

Or does it make you a bigger asshole If someone is willing to do the work and make the sacrifice, if you do leave or do outsource since they are consensually agreeing to do the duty to keep you from doing those things?

 

[DownByTheRiver]

To be fair, there are lots of things men do to stay in the marriage that they really do not want to do.

Do guys really want to go see their wife's Aunt Harriet and take her a casserole after her bunion surgery? Do men really want to drive around town gathering up a carload of kids for a bday and then taking them home after they're all hyped up on sugar? Do men really want to go furniture shopping every year or two when a beanbag with a gaming console infront of the tv is good enough for them? Do men really want to go to ANY family reunions let alone their wife's reunions? Do men really want to do dishes and laundry every day or is it good enough to do it once they are down to the last clean plate and the last pair of clean socks and underwear?

And ultimately, is the biggest sacrifice at the marriage alter of them all a man giving up his sexual freedom and living with a lackluster or in many cases a non existent sex life in order to remain married?

In other words, we talk of women making the sacrifice of putting out sexually when they aren't feeling it for the benefit of the marriage, but aren't men doing the same thing when they accept a dismal sex life?

If it was all about sex, I would've been several years ago. Yes, my was does duty sex in an effort to keep me from going out into the streets and keep the home intact while we still have a kid in the house.

But at the same time, I have supressed and curtailed and sacrificed my innate want for passion and try to not pressure or overtly criticise her to keep her from fleeing out into the street and keep the home intact while we still have a kid in the house.

This is the true meaning of compromise.

Is it the right thing or the wrong thing?

I dunno. I've been struggling with that question for years.

I can assure you my dad did none of those things. I'm sure somewhere there's someone who does but nobody I know, which is why they're mostly divorced now. Non-participation.

 

[oldshirt]

I can assure you my dad did none of those things. I'm sure somewhere there's someone who does but nobody I know, which is why they're mostly divorced now. Non-participation.

That's kind of my point. I've done all of those things and here I am still married 27 years later. Men make sacrifices and do their husbandly duties as well.

 

[In Absentia]

But what are the actual ethical ramifications of duty sex???

There aren't any if the partner knows that the duty sex is an act of love and this love is shown during the act with involvement and participation. There is nothing wrong with that, IMO.

 

[Rus47]

There aren't any if the partner knows that the duty sex is an act of love and this love is shown during the act with involvement and participation. There is nothing wrong with that, IMO.

I thought “duty” sex was “bad” and unless the woman is initiating like a porn star the sex wasnt worth bothering with?

The “acting” to keep a marriage is the worst part IMO. And if that is the dynamic, probably best to call it quits. If you had known that was what your wife was up to would you have divorced then?

 

[FloridaGuy1]

I guess the biggest thing to consider in all of this related to both the OP's situation and others mentioned is does the partner not really participating all out, KNOW its duty sex or do they think they are indeed being sexual just by saying Yes.

My initial thoughts are they do know but maybe if THEY don't know what good sex is, maybe they don't?

 

[In Absentia]

I thought “duty” sex was “bad” and unless the woman is initiating like a porn star the sex wasnt worth bothering with?

The “acting” to keep a marriage is the worst part IMO. And if that is the dynamic, probably best to call it quits. If you had known that was what your wife was up to would you have divorced then?

Duty sex is not always bad. It depends on the duty sex. In this instance (the OP's case), there is no involvement by the wife, who has no desire to have sex with the OP. She never initiates. The sex act is boring. I'm talking about duty sex as an act of love, where the wife is happy to have sex with her husband because she loves him and wants to make him happy. She is actively involved in the act.

Your second question: yes, I would have divorced my wife. But for me it was a bit difficult because she was always very involved in the act. It wasn't starfish sex at all. I don't think that was acting, but the aim was to keep the family together. So, yes, she fooled me in that respect. Her problem wasn't not liking sex, it was what it had become.

 

[Rus47]

So again, if there are any glitches in the sexual relationship and the woman isn’t jumping husbands bones on regular basis it cant be fixed. Any attempts are a waste of time. And even if she seems to be into it, she is just acting and will leave on her own eventually when someone new shows up.

And most wives are this way sooner or later, either outright refusing or acting out. Even if they seem to be initiating, they are just good ar acting so the husband wont divorce them.

Anyone who thinks they have a happy marriage are delusional. If they think the sex is great it is only because they have never had good sex and dont know what good is.

To summarize, if married divorce. If single, don’t marry.

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

So again, if there are any glitches in the sexual relationship and the woman isn’t jumping husbands bones on regular basis it cant be fixed. Any attempts are a waste of time. And even if she seems to be into it, she is just acting and will leave on her own eventually when someone new shows up.

And most wives are this way sooner or later, either outright refusing or acting out. Even if they seem to be initiating, they are just good ar acting so the husband wont divorce them.

Anyone who thinks they have a happy marriage are delusional. If they think the sex is great it is only because they have never had good sex and dont know what good is.

To summarize, if married divorce. If single, don’t marry.

Color me delusional.

Next.

 

[In Absentia]

So again, if there are any glitches in the sexual relationship and the woman isn’t jumping husbands bones on regular basis it cant be fixed. Any attempts are a waste of time. And even if she seems to be into it, she is just acting and will leave on her own eventually when someone new shows up.

And most wives are this way sooner or later, either outright refusing or acting out. Even if they seem to be initiating, they are just good ar acting so the husband wont divorce them.

Anyone who thinks they have a happy marriage are delusional. If they think the sex is great it is only because they have never had good sex and dont know what good is.

To summarize, if married divorce. If single, don’t marry.

I think you are exaggerating a tad to make your point... the truth is usually in the middle...

 

[ConanHub]

So again, if there are any glitches in the sexual relationship and the woman isn’t jumping husbands bones on regular basis it cant be fixed. Any attempts are a waste of time. And even if she seems to be into it, she is just acting and will leave on her own eventually when someone new shows up.

And most wives are this way sooner or later, either outright refusing or acting out. Even if they seem to be initiating, they are just good ar acting so the husband wont divorce them.

Anyone who thinks they have a happy marriage are delusional. If they think the sex is great it is only because they have never had good sex and dont know what good is.

To summarize, if married divorce. If single, don’t marry.

Hahahaha! Love it!

It is interesting seeing different outlooks in relation to different outcomes.

 

[FloridaGuy1]

So again, if there are any glitches in the sexual relationship and the woman isn’t jumping husbands bones on regular basis it cant be fixed. Any attempts are a waste of time. And even if she seems to be into it, she is just acting and will leave on her own eventually when someone new shows up.

And most wives are this way sooner or later, either outright refusing or acting out. Even if they seem to be initiating, they are just good ar acting so the husband wont divorce them.

Anyone who thinks they have a happy marriage are delusional. If they think the sex is great it is only because they have never had good sex and dont know what good is.

To summarize, if married divorce. If single, don’t marry.

Best post ever on TAM! They can call it quits and shut the site down now!

I like your extreme example but I do think the first paragraph has some merit. You might be able to get your spouse to agree to more sex but it may just be them acting to keep you happy,