[Rus47]

But its just her going through the motions more or less and not really into it so I see your point in her.

So what is the appropriate response? What should @Lawrence N do in his situation? What will you do?

 

[Rus47]

Yes, sadly that’s not uncommon. She’s saying she does because she wants to stay in the marriage. It’s just not there for her and many others.

Well if it is common it isnt sadly. Its just how things are. So live with fact many wives will lie to stay married. And assume that is what is happening.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Some people are done once the thrill is gone. Especially true for some women, I think, more mental than physical.

The Thrill Is Gone
Song by B.B. King

The thrill is gone
The thrill is gone away
The thrill is gone, baby
The thrill is gone away

You know you done me wrong, baby
And you'll be sorry someday
The thrill is gone
It's gone away from me
The thrill is gone, baby

The thrill is gone away from me
Although, I'll still live on
But so lonely I'll be
The thrill is gone
It's gone away for good

All the thrill is gone
Baby, it's gone away for good
Someday I know I'll be open-armed baby
Just like I know, I know I should

You know, I'm free, free now, baby
I'm free from your spell
Oh, free, free, free now, baby
I'm free from your spell
And now that it's all over
All that I can do is wish you well

 

[farsidejunky]

Some people are done once the thrill is gone. Especially true for some women, I think, more mental than physical.

The Thrill Is Gone
Song by B.B. King

The thrill is gone
The thrill is gone away
The thrill is gone, baby
The thrill is gone away

You know you done me wrong, baby
And you'll be sorry someday
The thrill is gone
It's gone away from me
The thrill is gone, baby

The thrill is gone away from me
Although, I'll still live on
But so lonely I'll be
The thrill is gone
It's gone away for good

All the thrill is gone
Baby, it's gone away for good
Someday I know I'll be open-armed baby
Just like I know, I know I should

You know, I'm free, free now, baby
I'm free from your spell
Oh, free, free, free now, baby
I'm free from your spell
And now that it's all over
All that I can do is wish you well

There is more truth to this than many wish to admit. This is why doing exciting things together is utterly crucial to keeping the spark going.

Routine is the enemy of novelty, and novelty is the key to keeping things fresh.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk

 

[DownByTheRiver]

There is more truth to this than many wish to admit. This is why doing exciting things together is utterly crucial to keeping the spark going.

Routine is the enemy of novelty, and novelty is the key to keeping things fresh.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk

It's important for both people to try not to get into a rut in life but that's hard when you're raising a family. It's important for both people to have their own interests and try to be interesting.

 

[Openminded]

Well if it is common it isnt sadly. Its just how things are. So live with fact many wives will lie to stay married. And assume that is what is happening.

Obviously it’s sad to women and men who are living that life and lying about sex or any number of things in order to keep their marriage together. Fear of the unknown can be a powerful motivator.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Obviously it’s sad to women and men who are living that life and lying about sex or any number of things in order to keep their marriage together. Fear of the unknown can be a powerful motivator.

Fear of change and some legitimate fears especially when you have children on how you're going to make a living with two separate places especially if one hasn't been working. It's too often the women get trapped and then really don't have a way they can afford to get out unless they just have a real strong family or friend situation. They just really need to be working so that they don't get stuck. When you're young you can at least find some new roommates but once you have kids and everything it's a lot harder.

 

[Cynthia]

If a woman loves her husband, she's willing to do a lot of things with and for him that she may not otherwise be particularly interested in. I know I've done things that fit that description. All sorts of automobile related things come to mind. I am happy to do things with and for my husband, because I love him. It's not a burden. I enjoy doing these things. I assume sex is the same for some people. They do it out of love.

Honestly, I feel bad for people who are trying to sexually please their spouse, but it's not good enough because they aren't as into sex as their spouse. If she loves him and shares intimacy with him, that should be welcomed, not criticized. If she gets the feeling that he is unhappy with her sexually, that can make things much worse. It can make it hard for ger to feel that she's enough for her husband when he's giving her the impression that she's not. That would make things a lot worse.

Someone may have mentioned scheduling sex. This can be helpful, because there's no need to really initiate. This can be especially helpful with young children at home.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk

 

[In Absentia]

The words I used were “some” as it relates to faking it and “many” as it relates to women who don’t want sex as frequently as their husbands and “most” as it relates to women recognizing that it’s an important part of marriage. And, yes, many do fear divorce enough to perform to the best of their ability even when they’d rather not. I think turning around a dead bedroom — really turning it around with full engagement — is extremely rare. Maybe the OP will end up being a success story. Maybe he won’t. It’s obviously up to him what he does with his life.

Absolutely this one. My wife did enough to keep me there because she didn't want a divorce with small children. When the youngest was 18, she dumped our sex life. Still not brave enough to divorce me and move out, mind you. So we haven't divorced yet, but living separate lives, waiting for my daughter's graduation this year.

 

[In Absentia]

I see what you are saying and I guess you could say my wife is that way. She has no real interest in sex (she says she does when we discuss it but I don't think its genuine) but if I continually initiate, she goes along with it. But its just her going through the motions more or less and not really into it so I see your point in her.

The difference between my wife and yours is that she enjoyed sex and we did have good sex when she got going. Unfortunately, she never thought about sex. She told me once she had to "condition" herself to get into the mood and have sex. It was so frustrating.

 

[In Absentia]

So the best advice for any man like @Lawrence N would be to just give up, divorce and move on? The sooner the better.

No, the best advice IMO is to keep trying and do all you can to turn your sex life around, but give yourself a deadline, whatever that is. One thing is divorcing when you are 40, another when you are 60.

 

[In Absentia]

Someone may have mentioned scheduling sex.

It wasn't me, but we did this. At least there was no torture trying to initiate all the time and being rejected most of the time... @FloridaGuy1

 

[snowbum]

You’re getting more sex but it’s not good enough so leave. However, how do you know you’ll be guaranteed better and frequent sex? Sad that you’ll throw away a relationship for a maybe.

 

[In Absentia]

You’re getting more sex but it’s not good enough so leave. However, how do you know you’ll be guaranteed better and frequent sex? Sad that you’ll throw away a relationship for a maybe.

This is the big dilemma...

 

[snowbum]

This is the big dilemma...

So ic someone is kind interesting. attractive etc he should leave that because he’s not getting some hypothetical better sex? You know people here boast about their exploits. And some could be true. But we are random people with the ability to concoct stories with no truth to them. So I guess if he feels he’s a great catch that women cannot pass up … go. But I also wonder what his amazing qualities are and how likely ons or sex workers are going to be filling a void. Seems like so
E people can’t appreciate what they have. His wife wants him happy and has sex. Sorry, but not everyone will be like a porn star, and how exactly do you know you’ll find one without meaningless hookups that probably won’t make you happy

 

[In Absentia]

So ic someone is kind interesting. attractive etc he should leave that because he’s not getting some hypothetical better sex? You know people here boast about their exploits. And some could be true. But we are random people with the ability to concoct stories with no truth to them. So I guess if he feels he’s a great catch that women cannot pass up … go. But I also wonder what his amazing qualities are and how likely ons or sex workers are going to be filling a void. Seems like so
E people can’t appreciate what they have. His wife wants him happy and has sex. Sorry, but not everyone will be like a porn star, and how exactly do you know you’ll find one without meaningless hookups that probably won’t make you happy

I agree with you. But would you stay if the sex frequency was - let's say - once a month and the sex of the starfish variety? I think a lot depends on the quality of the sex more than the quantity, IMO. In my marriage, I settled for twice/month but the sex was good, so I stayed. Was I happy? Not particularly, but sex is only one component of the marriage and divorce is indeed quite horrendous, especially if you have small children.

On TAM you will find posters that will say that they never put up with less than every day and that's one universe... but there are many parallel universes.

 

[snowbum]

He’s not having sec once a month. His wife is attempting to step up, if he feels that an acrobatic initiating partner is the primary source of contentment than he should make a choice and leave. How long has this been dragging on?

 

[snowbum]

Also, I don’t think a guy who’s been with 200 people was going to happy monogamous anyway. Just saying. 200 is a lot. I’m sure he’s comparing. Which isn’t a good thing to do

 

[In Absentia]

He’s not having sec once a month. His wife is attempting to step up, if he feels that an acrobatic initiating partner is the primary source of contentment than he should make a choice and leave. How long has this been dragging on?

He is having sex twice a month on average, but his complaint is that she never thinks about sex, she could do without it, never initiates and she "does it" for him. She is stepping up, but that's because I believe she is trying to keep him there. Also, the sex is always of the same variety. To be honest, in his shoes - with starfish sex provided - I would not stay. I stayed in my marriage because the sex was not frequent but good. How it ended is a completely different story, though...

 

[Rus47]

Someone may have mentioned scheduling sex. This can be helpful, because there's no need to really initiate. This can be especially helpful with young children at home.

Most evidently find scheduling sex a turn off.

Wife and I started scheduling when our first was born and continue to this day. Reason for us is life intrudes and can crowd out intimacy. So we just set aside a time when nothing else got scheduled. Early morning was originally our time. These days it is afternoons, being retired that tends to be an open time. Turn off the phones and spend an hour together.