Joined
·
23,463 Posts
And I'm into my 32nd year with my lady.
OP doesn't even have a decade.
He and his wife have a lot of room for improvement and some time to accomplish it.
Some ground has already been gained.
Sex to keep me happy. Should I stay or should I go?
341 - 360 of 423 Posts
OP doesn't even have a decade.
He and his wife have a lot of room for improvement and some time to accomplish it.
Some ground has already been gained.
Are we sure it’s duty sex? If his wife finds him more attractive and that is why she has ramped up the effort, that's not the same as duty sex.
Now, if she sees his changes and is giving more effort because she’s concerned, not because she is more turned in by him, then that’s a different story.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Joined
·
8,487 Posts
@Lawrence N, What is your wife like? Does she have an outgoing personality? Is she more shy? Does she normally initiate things with her friends and family or is she more of a follower? When you two are intimate, does she engage and seem to be enjoying you and the experience?
Joined
·
8,094 Posts
How do you interpret the OP's comments: My wife still does not initiate sex. We are increasing our sexual relationship, not because she really wants too.
She is scared she is going to lose him, so she is giving him more sex... pity sex. Unfortunately, that's not what the OP is looking for.
You're right, only one way to interpret that. And it's unlikely to last, imo.
Joined
·
9,705 Posts
Double post
Lots of people have improved their sexlife and their marriages.
A lot of people have improved their life with the advice they have received and have gotten from books like NMMG and MMSLP etc and some have had improvements from professional therapy and MC.
But here’s the thing about improvement.
If all you have to your name is a penny,, and you manage to obtain another penny, you have made a 100% improvement in you’re net worth - but you’re still broke.
Truth be known, people can probably only gain a few degrees through self improvement and professional therapy etc etc.
If one’s sexlife has slumped off from an 8-9/10 over the last couple years to a 5-6, With some effort and work and some understanding and compassion from the spouse, you may be able to get that back around a 7/10. Maybe even back around an 8 if both are still in their prime and there was one particular issue causing the drop off and that issue is completely resolved.
BUT, if the sex life was NEVER good and it’s sitting down around a 1-3/10, With hard work and dedication, you’re still probably only going to get it up to around a 4, maybe 5 if you really hammer it.
these people that have gone over a YEAR and/or their spouse has told them to their face that they are no longer interested at all or have been given the ILYBNLILWY, I don’t know how much ground they are going to be able to gain.
If someone goes from 0 times in one year to pulling off one encounter of awkward duty sex the next year, that is a quantum leap.
if they then go to 2 times the following year, that is a 100% improvement.
Continued into next post…….
A lot of people have improved their life with the advice they have received and have gotten from books like NMMG and MMSLP etc and some have had improvements from professional therapy and MC.
But here’s the thing about improvement.
If all you have to your name is a penny,, and you manage to obtain another penny, you have made a 100% improvement in you’re net worth - but you’re still broke.
Truth be known, people can probably only gain a few degrees through self improvement and professional therapy etc etc.
If one’s sexlife has slumped off from an 8-9/10 over the last couple years to a 5-6, With some effort and work and some understanding and compassion from the spouse, you may be able to get that back around a 7/10. Maybe even back around an 8 if both are still in their prime and there was one particular issue causing the drop off and that issue is completely resolved.
BUT, if the sex life was NEVER good and it’s sitting down around a 1-3/10, With hard work and dedication, you’re still probably only going to get it up to around a 4, maybe 5 if you really hammer it.
these people that have gone over a YEAR and/or their spouse has told them to their face that they are no longer interested at all or have been given the ILYBNLILWY, I don’t know how much ground they are going to be able to gain.
If someone goes from 0 times in one year to pulling off one encounter of awkward duty sex the next year, that is a quantum leap.
if they then go to 2 times the following year, that is a 100% improvement.
Continued into next post…….
Cont…
So this is an honest question, I really want to know -
Has there ever been anyone here on TAM that has been completely sexless for over a year and their partner essentially came right out and told them that they no longer wanted to have a sex life and went from that to an actual active and robust, mutually satisfying sex life?
it seems like there was one person that did something similar.
Who was it?
So this is an honest question, I really want to know -
Has there ever been anyone here on TAM that has been completely sexless for over a year and their partner essentially came right out and told them that they no longer wanted to have a sex life and went from that to an actual active and robust, mutually satisfying sex life?
it seems like there was one person that did something similar.
Who was it?
Joined
·
5,209 Posts
@Young at Heart I think this fits you pretty close, no? I know his wife came out and said she no longer wanted sex. Not sure how long they were actually "sexless", but they turned it around.
Joined
·
12,615 Posts
There are definitely some females who can give excellent imitations of being completely engaged when they aren’t because of their fear of divorce. But my opinion, speaking as a female who has lived a long life and who has known many women in that situation (which is not uncommon in the real world), is that true turnarounds are extremely rare. Does it happen now and then? Anything’s possible. Is it likely? I truly doubt it. Fear is a powerful motivator.
Joined
·
1,292 Posts
So would you say there are many women out there who do not like sex as much but "put out" just to keep the husband from leaving?
Joined
·
13,966 Posts
Joined
·
12,615 Posts
Absolutely there are many women who feel that way (obviously not all). They love their husbands but do they want sex at the same frequency their husbands do — or anywhere close to it? Nope. However, most recognize that sex is an important part of marriage and they act accordingly whether they prefer to or not. The ones who don’t are the ones whose husbands show up here.
Joined
·
1,749 Posts
I’ll say this as a woman. If you are not obese, unhygienic, a drug addict, sexist, or unintelligent/ your wife may have an issue. If you are romantic, borderline attractive and respectful- it’s not you. Ask yourself those things. Ic you expect her to roll over- it’s your issue
So the best advice for any man like @Lawrence N would be to just give up, divorce and move on? The sooner the better.
It can;t be turned around. If it seems to have turned around that is an illusion because most wives are just faking it ( and they're really good at faking ) cuz they "fear" divorce? And even the faking is temporary until she finds someone she likes better. Universally, women don't want sex at frequency their husbands desire, or anywhere close to it..
So when the sex drops off, for whatever reason, just hit the exits because there is no hope of it ever improving? Would that be the best course?
There used to be a vendor here is the vendor section named Dad Starting Over. He has a book titled, "The Dead Bedroom Fix" and also has a podcast and an online men's group.
His answer to that question is - Yes.
He had a podcast where he came out and said if having an intense, passionate, high-energy sex life forever was important to a guy, then that guy should never marry, never have kids, never cohabitate and only either spin plates or serial date and to plan on the sex life with any one person dying down after a year or two at which time if you wanted to keep up the hot monkey sex, then it would be time to go your separate ways and find someone else.
He was saying it a little bit tongue in cheek to shed light on the fact it is normal for the intensity in any relationship to die down after awhile. But there was a lot of literal truth in that.
Joined
·
1,292 Posts
I see what you are saying and I guess you could say my wife is that way. She has no real interest in sex (she says she does when we discuss it but I don't think its genuine) but if I continually initiate, she goes along with it. But its just her going through the motions more or less and not really into it so I see your point in her.
Joined
·
12,615 Posts
The words I used were “some” as it relates to faking it and “many” as it relates to women who don’t want sex as frequently as their husbands and “most” as it relates to women recognizing that it’s an important part of marriage. And, yes, many do fear divorce enough to perform to the best of their ability even when they’d rather not. I think turning around a dead bedroom — really turning it around with full engagement — is extremely rare. Maybe the OP will end up being a success story. Maybe he won’t. It’s obviously up to him what he does with his life.
Joined
·
12,615 Posts
Yes, sadly that’s not uncommon. She’s saying she does because she wants to stay in the marriage. It’s just not there for her and many others.
341 - 360 of 423 Posts
