Hi,
First post, so not sure where to start.
I've been married for 15 years and we have 4 lovely kids between 8-15.
Our relationship roller-coasts between good and bad times. Recently it's more bad than good and we're currently at a crisis.
Our main problem is sex. This goes way back. My wife was always the initiator and eventually she tired of me not making the first move, so she stopped trying. Perhaps I got used to her initiating sex far too easily and missed the damage I was causing her. Eventually I took over the role but I have never been able to consistently keep our sex life active.
What happens is that different stresses and pressures get in the way; children, work, house refurbishment. I don't have any sexual hang-ups but my sexual needs seem to decline more easily than most men I know when faced with similar pressures. I see it as a real failing in myself.
Right now it's work and finance. I lost my company and have been trying hard to rebuild my career and keep us liquid. I don't get much support from my wife at the moment and it has been a time when I really have needed it. Understandable - our dying sex life & lack of intimacy isn't going to warm her to me.
Our sex life quickly become less and less frequent and then stops. This causes my wife immeasurable pain and as she becomes more upset with me, she becomes more distant and I feel less loved. It's an awful negative spiral. We have a big social life which makes it easier to hide behind and sex becomes the elephant in the room that we can't talk about. Then, like a corked bottle my wife explodes and we fall out. In those arguments everything that my wife feels has been a failing in our relationship (the failures in me) in the past returns and we fall into a crisis that is very difficult to get out of.
My wife has reached the end and only wants to stay together because of the kids. She currently does not love me and now has no interest in me physically. She is very bitter and angry with me for robbing her of an close intimate relationship. I'm lonely and forever miserable - we both want the same thing but can't find a way forward together and I see separation looming.
I've suggested we go to counselling this week which fills us both with dread and even more so since the last couple of days have been particularly difficult and we are now not talking.
And finally - my father-in-law asked if we could meet. I did, somewhat reluctantly, and we talked. Well I talked and he listened. He's a good man and cares for us both. I told him that I was lonely and miserable and I felt that if we wanted to save our marriage we both had to take responsibility for what has happened. He wrote a note back to us both - his summary of our position as he saw it. It really upset my wife who felt it was full of half truths and painted a negative picture of her and that I was trying to apportion blame. I didn't read it the same way. She is very close to her father and he is trying his best to help us but this was a mistake I think.
I'm really scared that the councillor will facilitate more negativeness and we will be pushed towards separation.
That's my story, I think we can learn to love each other again, I want it desperately, I want to find a way that we each learn how to recognize issues and take preventative action in difficult times and avoid the crisis management which is what I often fall into.
First post, so not sure where to start.
I've been married for 15 years and we have 4 lovely kids between 8-15.
Our relationship roller-coasts between good and bad times. Recently it's more bad than good and we're currently at a crisis.
Our main problem is sex. This goes way back. My wife was always the initiator and eventually she tired of me not making the first move, so she stopped trying. Perhaps I got used to her initiating sex far too easily and missed the damage I was causing her. Eventually I took over the role but I have never been able to consistently keep our sex life active.
What happens is that different stresses and pressures get in the way; children, work, house refurbishment. I don't have any sexual hang-ups but my sexual needs seem to decline more easily than most men I know when faced with similar pressures. I see it as a real failing in myself.
Right now it's work and finance. I lost my company and have been trying hard to rebuild my career and keep us liquid. I don't get much support from my wife at the moment and it has been a time when I really have needed it. Understandable - our dying sex life & lack of intimacy isn't going to warm her to me.
Our sex life quickly become less and less frequent and then stops. This causes my wife immeasurable pain and as she becomes more upset with me, she becomes more distant and I feel less loved. It's an awful negative spiral. We have a big social life which makes it easier to hide behind and sex becomes the elephant in the room that we can't talk about. Then, like a corked bottle my wife explodes and we fall out. In those arguments everything that my wife feels has been a failing in our relationship (the failures in me) in the past returns and we fall into a crisis that is very difficult to get out of.
My wife has reached the end and only wants to stay together because of the kids. She currently does not love me and now has no interest in me physically. She is very bitter and angry with me for robbing her of an close intimate relationship. I'm lonely and forever miserable - we both want the same thing but can't find a way forward together and I see separation looming.
I've suggested we go to counselling this week which fills us both with dread and even more so since the last couple of days have been particularly difficult and we are now not talking.
And finally - my father-in-law asked if we could meet. I did, somewhat reluctantly, and we talked. Well I talked and he listened. He's a good man and cares for us both. I told him that I was lonely and miserable and I felt that if we wanted to save our marriage we both had to take responsibility for what has happened. He wrote a note back to us both - his summary of our position as he saw it. It really upset my wife who felt it was full of half truths and painted a negative picture of her and that I was trying to apportion blame. I didn't read it the same way. She is very close to her father and he is trying his best to help us but this was a mistake I think.
I'm really scared that the councillor will facilitate more negativeness and we will be pushed towards separation.
That's my story, I think we can learn to love each other again, I want it desperately, I want to find a way that we each learn how to recognize issues and take preventative action in difficult times and avoid the crisis management which is what I often fall into.
