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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Some of you may remember my post a few months back in the infidelity section, if not here is a recap:

My wife cheated on me while I was away on a business trip and left me shortly afterwards. I was devastated and grieved heavily for months. More recently, I've severed all ties with my ex and have been patiently waiting for someone else.

Last weekend my best bud set me up with a date with his girlfriends cousin. We hit it off instantly and things moved extremely fast. We went out, had an amazingly fun time and began feeling each other out; only to realize that we have nearly everything in common. Now, she's not a sl*t, she hadn't had sex literally in years (and the proof was in the details) but by the end of the night we ended up having sex.

The next day we cuddled and kissed at every opportunity, we went out again, though this time she was much closer to me in public. Then she had to go back home (about an hour away) to work, and has been working every day since then. We haven't seen each other and I'm trying not to make too forceful of an effort.

First date sex. For some reason this kind of scares me because I really like this girl and want to eventually date her. I pumped my breaks and I'm trying to figure out what to do and it almost seems like she is doing the same thing. I'm trying to keep my distance, but I'm still keeping in touch every other day or so (that's the plan at least, it has only been a few days since we hooked up).

Is it possible to make a relationship work when the ice gets broken too quickly? Is her distance because she wants to move slower like I do? Is she embarrassed? I may be thinking too deeply into this, but I don't want to goof this up. Even if it doesn't work I'll be just fine, I'm not desperate. I just see a wonderful opportunity and want to make it happen.

Thanks for reading!
 

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My opinion:
Don't bring it up on next date. Don't have sex on next date.

After you've dated for about a month or two.. If you feel a strong connection, and still feel you both have lots in common. (That you are enjoying together in common, without having sex)... THEN, talk to her about it. Talk about wanting to put the breaks on & that you are sorry that you potentially upset the timing of a good relationship, but having sex too early. THen ask her all the questions you mentioned above. See what she has to say at that point.
 

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My opinion:
Don't bring it up on next date. Don't have sex on next date.

After you've dated for about a month or two.. If you feel a strong connection, and still feel you both have lots in common. (That you are enjoying together in common, without having sex)... THEN, talk to her about it. Talk about wanting to put the breaks on & that you are sorry that you potentially upset the timing of a good relationship, but having sex too early. THen ask her all the questions you mentioned above. See what she has to say at that point.
This is great advice! With my husband, that's what ended up happening. Sex that first night, and then we dated exclusively for over a month before it happened again....after a few weeks dating, I think I said something like "I can't beleive we did that the other night, just like that!", and we laughed. It certainly wasn't my typical behaviour, and I wanted to make sure he knew that!
 

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Haven't been in this position for a long time, but if you think this relationship may go further or would at least want to explore the possibilities then talk to her, be honest and sincere. After all many of the marriage problems people talk about here are from lack of communication(one of the issues in my marriage) so why start this off on the wrong foot.
 
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I don't agree with not bringing it up. Didn't work for me and finally I had to bring it up with the guy.

I'd say tell her what you said here. You really felt a connection and still do, and that you'd like to see her again and continue to let things develop and even though it was great, you'd like to get to know her on all levels and plan on NOT having sex the next time. Make sure you let her know you don't see it as a mistake and you are still VERY attracted to her but that you want all facets of your relationship to evolve together and not have one area get too far ahead of the others.

I bet she will be relieved and feel the same way and will be pleased you brought it up and that aren't expecting it every time.
 

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Some of you may remember my post a few months back in the infidelity section, if not here is a recap:

My wife cheated on me while I was away on a business trip and left me shortly afterwards. I was devastated and grieved heavily for months. More recently, I've severed all ties with my ex and have been patiently waiting for someone else.

Last weekend my best bud set me up with a date with his girlfriends cousin. We hit it off instantly and things moved extremely fast. We went out, had an amazingly fun time and began feeling each other out; only to realize that we have nearly everything in common. Now, she's not a sl*t, she hadn't had sex literally in years (and the proof was in the details) but by the end of the night we ended up having sex.

The next day we cuddled and kissed at every opportunity, we went out again, though this time she was much closer to me in public. Then she had to go back home (about an hour away) to work, and has been working every day since then. We haven't seen each other and I'm trying not to make too forceful of an effort.

First date sex. For some reason this kind of scares me because I really like this girl and want to eventually date her. I pumped my breaks and I'm trying to figure out what to do and it almost seems like she is doing the same thing. I'm trying to keep my distance, but I'm still keeping in touch every other day or so (that's the plan at least, it has only been a few days since we hooked up).

Is it possible to make a relationship work when the ice gets broken too quickly? Is her distance because she wants to move slower like I do? Is she embarrassed? I may be thinking too deeply into this, but I don't want to goof this up. Even if it doesn't work I'll be just fine, I'm not desperate. I just see a wonderful opportunity and want to make it happen.

Thanks for reading!
I think first date sex is fine. The only problem is that sometimes one or both people may bond prematurely. I would encourage you both to remain aware that sexual compatibility is just ONE of the five things that should be compatible for a relationship to work. I've written about both compatibility and how quick is too quick to be become sexual in the articles below, if you're interested in reading them. You'll also find other related topics that might be relevant to you.

How Soon Should You Have Sex in a New Relationship?

5 Pillars of Compatibility (& Incompatibility)
 

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sex on 1st date good when you can confirm it's been a while for her. throw in the distance and she had more of a reason. forget about it........the discussion will come up in time.
 

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Sound like a lot of pent up sexual energy, I personally think it can be an amazing thing for two people to experience, as long as neither are being driven by what they think the other is thinking.

I would not apologize at all if I were you, you are not using her, you felt a connection and did what came naturally. Unless you are lying to us now and just in fact wanted to use her for sex.

If not, and you enjoyed it, and she did, do not let her feel embarrassment at all, take the opportunity to reassure her and give her comfort that you in fact respect her, and just continue to enjoy her company and doing what comes naturally. And be responsible!
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thank you for your responses!

EnjoliWoman/KathyBatesel- Excellent advice. I think honesty is the best answer.

ETC52R- She's kind of a good girl Christian who was raised with strong values. She seems pretty legit, which is different compared to what I'm used to.

Lon- When my friend set us up, I had no expectations what so ever to be honest. I genuinely have feelings for her and want to do this the right way. Good advice.
 

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Good to hear.

My thoughts are: it has only been a few months since the end of your marriage (you may still be married for that matter). Take it slow. Do not overlook red flags because everything else is going so well. Beware the rebound effect.

Otherwise, enjoy your time with her. That new relationship feeling is a great thing.
 

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Thank you for your responses!

EnjoliWoman/KathyBatesel- Excellent advice. I think honesty is the best answer.

ETC52R- She's kind of a good girl Christian who was raised with strong values. She seems pretty legit, which is different compared to what I'm used to.

Lon- When my friend set us up, I had no expectations what so ever to be honest. I genuinely have feelings for her and want to do this the right way. Good advice.
Such a coincidence, we were set up, too...best of luck!
 

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It's for this reason that, IMO, it's not a good idea to get intimate too soon. As you've discovered, it complicates things because there isn't that level of emotional intimacy, yet, that makes talking things out particularly easy.

I would tell her that you like her, but would like to proceed a little slower than you started out.
 

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I think you all had sex because there was lots of pent up energy, and both of you seem to have a great connection.
I also think you all should talk about it and find out each other's feelings on it.
I don't think you need to be scared of anything.
Just know what's in your head.
Maybe she's really into you.
My thinking is that on the next date she will want to have sex again.
If I were you I would have sex , and make it memorable.
Let her spend the night and have ** breakfast in bed ** the next morning.
 
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