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My wife and I have been dating for 12 years (since we were 16), and married for 5. We have a 1+yr old daughter, whom we adore. My wife recently came home and told me that, although she doesn't want one today, in the future (3 yrs, 5yrs, maybe 10yrs) she wants to have an open relationship.
My Wife and I were virgins when we met and have never had sex with anyone else. We are 28 and 29, and we are still trying to have kids. Realistically, I probably have 2 maybe 3 years at the most before she asks me to start the open relationship (after we have one more kid. do not want the mess of "whose my dad"). Also, I will start seeing a counselor about this in 2 weeks. She says (and I absolutely believe) she has never had an affair or cheated on me. She and I are best friends and have been in love almost as long as I can remember. She is not pushing me at all, and wants me to decide for myself what is best. Neither of us is religious or uses religion as arguments. Logic is our argumentative tool.
She believes there are two types of relationships, sexual and emotional. Put them together and you get love. Keep them apart, and, to her, they are just manageable relationships. Normal friends, and friends-only-for-the-benefits. She would treat the sexual partners like a toy, and cut them off at the first sign of love or affection. She would probably have repeat customers, because that's easier than finding new ones all the time. She would manage to only set up encounters when it did not impact our family or her and my life. If at any time we started falling apart, she and i would stop to heal. She also said she never has to be in an open relationship, and that I am the most important thing to her, period. But she wants to at least tell me she is interested in it now so that I can think about it and (hopefully for her) decide its okay with me. From my perspective, I cannot say I love her without giving the open relationship idea a total and complete workover and do my best to accept the idea.
It took me a couple weeks of asking her questions to get to this very distinct and logical (but earth shattering for me) point, which appears to be at the crux of it all. She thinks that loving sexual relationships are totally different from novel (brand new) sexual relationships.
Btw: by loving sex I mean sex between two people who respect and care for each other, and do not "use" each other for sexual satisfaction. I want to please her, she wants to please me, and we both benefit. in addition, we care immensely for each other due to the years of love and experience together, so sex has meaning between us, that it would never have with someone new who was totally detached.
I told her I feel like I am inadequate for her, and she said me feeling inadequate for not being able to have novel sex is like a fish feeling inadequate for not being able to fly. In her mind, it is practically speaking impossible for me to produce sexual experience of a new sexual partner, and vice versa.
The moment I grasped the concept was earth shattering. But I still stand. Still married. Still in love.
The ask:
What do you think about the concept of novel sex and loving sex as totally separate like flying and swimming? What are some positive arguments for adding the novel sex (with others) to our marriage? What are some arguments for never having novel sex again? How does having novel sex improve one's life, when combined with loving sex? How would you argue that novel sex and loving sex is unrealistic separation of sex?
My Wife and I were virgins when we met and have never had sex with anyone else. We are 28 and 29, and we are still trying to have kids. Realistically, I probably have 2 maybe 3 years at the most before she asks me to start the open relationship (after we have one more kid. do not want the mess of "whose my dad"). Also, I will start seeing a counselor about this in 2 weeks. She says (and I absolutely believe) she has never had an affair or cheated on me. She and I are best friends and have been in love almost as long as I can remember. She is not pushing me at all, and wants me to decide for myself what is best. Neither of us is religious or uses religion as arguments. Logic is our argumentative tool.
She believes there are two types of relationships, sexual and emotional. Put them together and you get love. Keep them apart, and, to her, they are just manageable relationships. Normal friends, and friends-only-for-the-benefits. She would treat the sexual partners like a toy, and cut them off at the first sign of love or affection. She would probably have repeat customers, because that's easier than finding new ones all the time. She would manage to only set up encounters when it did not impact our family or her and my life. If at any time we started falling apart, she and i would stop to heal. She also said she never has to be in an open relationship, and that I am the most important thing to her, period. But she wants to at least tell me she is interested in it now so that I can think about it and (hopefully for her) decide its okay with me. From my perspective, I cannot say I love her without giving the open relationship idea a total and complete workover and do my best to accept the idea.
It took me a couple weeks of asking her questions to get to this very distinct and logical (but earth shattering for me) point, which appears to be at the crux of it all. She thinks that loving sexual relationships are totally different from novel (brand new) sexual relationships.
Btw: by loving sex I mean sex between two people who respect and care for each other, and do not "use" each other for sexual satisfaction. I want to please her, she wants to please me, and we both benefit. in addition, we care immensely for each other due to the years of love and experience together, so sex has meaning between us, that it would never have with someone new who was totally detached.
I told her I feel like I am inadequate for her, and she said me feeling inadequate for not being able to have novel sex is like a fish feeling inadequate for not being able to fly. In her mind, it is practically speaking impossible for me to produce sexual experience of a new sexual partner, and vice versa.
The moment I grasped the concept was earth shattering. But I still stand. Still married. Still in love.
The ask:
What do you think about the concept of novel sex and loving sex as totally separate like flying and swimming? What are some positive arguments for adding the novel sex (with others) to our marriage? What are some arguments for never having novel sex again? How does having novel sex improve one's life, when combined with loving sex? How would you argue that novel sex and loving sex is unrealistic separation of sex?