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I had a very interesting conversation with my wife last night and I wanted to get some opinions on what she expressed relating to her views on sex and love. I'm especially interested in the perspective of all the women who frequent these boards.

Long story short is we've been married 16 years and have gone through some recent struggles. We are in counseling and working on things and making a lot of progress, but sex is and has been a hot button issue for us throughout the marriage. I have a higher drive than my wife and for years we have been stuck in a cycle of anger and resentment due to my feelings of dejection and he insecurity that it breeds.

So my wife and I were discussing things last night and I was explaining to her exactly why sex is so important to me. I told her that to me it is an affirmation of our love and confirmation that she feels like I am special above all others. I explained that it allows me to validate her desire for me and that she finds me attractive.

It turns out that her perspective on sex is very different than mine. She doesn't view it as a loving act at all. She said that having sex with me doesn't impact her feelings for me whatsoever. She doesn't feel any more or less loved after the act than she did before. She views it as a fun activity that we share together and there isn't much more emotion tied to it than if we were to go play tennis.

I have to wonder how prevalent this type of opinion is, especially amongst women. It feels a little backwards to me that I attribute so much emotion and feeling to sex and my wife thinks its just a nice way to release some energy every now and then.
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If she doesn't view it as a bonding and a loving experience in addition to viewing it as something fun then she's really missing out on the best part of having sex in the first place.

sex with my exSO was positively spiritual it was so amazing.Sure we had those light,fun little romps but there were always deep emotions tied to it.
Sex should help you feel more in tune and more connected with your spouse or SO.If you're just doing it for the fun of doing it,is there really even a point in it?
 

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I feel the opposite. There are times through love making, that my H tells me more with his body and actions than any words that come out of his mouth. So I do feel even more loved afterwards.

And sometimes sex is just sex, it's fun, exciting, and messy, but there is nALWAYS an emotional connection there that is strengthened after the sex.
 

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Hmm... I would like to say that I view sex as a loving act - and I do somewhat because I love my husband and because it's fun - but it's hard for me to feel anything emotionally during it. :/
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My wife has told me she views it as just "exercise". So I stated, joking: "Well then, I don't suppose you'd have any problems if I did it with other women since it is nothing more than exercise ...right?"

She then said "You'd better not!" :rofl:

So I suspect she really sees it as something more than exercise now, but stated it that way to put her earlier, single years in perspective, when she was ...ahem ....a little more "free" with sex ;)

She wanted me to know that those earlier sexual experiences of hers when she was in her twenties were merely physical, with nothing behind them. I believe her too :)
 

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I see Sex / Making Love as pure "emotional fulfillment" ....with the culmination in the physical....it is so much more than pleasure It can not be expressed in words alone.

Nothing God has given us can = such a high ...for me, it is the greatest expression of Love... My husband does not even call it
, it is always "making love" to him. I've never felt "used" by him. When I hear other women talk like this, it is foreign to me.

I've never been able to separate the emotional from the Physical...nor have I wanted too...for me.... this was worth the wait... For this crazy little thing called
...

I see this as highly Romantic, Amorous and one of the greatest joys of being married.

Might be a nice article for your wife to read - to understand what you are trying to get across to her >>>

Why (and How) Sex is Important to Men

Sex Is an Emotional Need
 

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I had a very interesting conversation with my wife last night and I wanted to get some opinions on what she expressed relating to her views on sex and love. I'm especially interested in the perspective of all the women who frequent these boards.

Long story short is we've been married 16 years and have gone through some recent struggles. We are in counseling and working on things and making a lot of progress, but sex is and has been a hot button issue for us throughout the marriage. I have a higher drive than my wife and for years we have been stuck in a cycle of anger and resentment due to my feelings of dejection and he insecurity that it breeds.

So my wife and I were discussing things last night and I was explaining to her exactly why sex is so important to me. I told her that to me it is an affirmation of our love and confirmation that she feels like I am special above all others. I explained that it allows me to validate her desire for me and that she finds me attractive.

It turns out that her perspective on sex is very different than mine. She doesn't view it as a loving act at all. She said that having sex with me doesn't impact her feelings for me whatsoever. She doesn't feel any more or less loved after the act than she did before. She views it as a fun activity that we share together and there isn't much more emotion tied to it than if we were to go play tennis.

I have to wonder how prevalent this type of opinion is, especially amongst women. It feels a little backwards to me that I attribute so much emotion and feeling to sex and my wife thinks its just a nice way to release some energy every now and then.
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No more emotion than a game of tennis? I can not, and will never, understand men and women like this. I absolutely see sex as an act of live - the ultimate act of love between two people. I feel so much closer to me husband during and after sex than I did before. Our arguments don't seem nearly as bad, and the atmosphere of our marriage improves substantially.

So, to answer your question, I am not at all like your wife.
 
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Recreational Sex?
Brings back memories of my Navy days...

I think that is what it seems to be for my wife. I just seem to get the most joy from it because it just wears her out too much before bed.

We've lost that loving feeling I guess

There is no real emotional connection. I don't believe we/ I feel more loved after sex. I know for sure my wife doesn't

That is a great question to talk about with my wife.

Thanks fror the thread SKM
 

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She's lying. And I can prove it. If she attaches no more meaning to sex than a game of tennis then she wouldn't mind you having sex with other women anymore than she would mind you playing tennis with other women. In short, this is a power play. If she minimizes the importance of sex then it doesn't matter whether she has it or not, thus she holds the power over it.
 

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She's lying. And I can prove it. If she attaches no more meaning to sex than a game of tennis then she wouldn't mind you having sex with other women anymore than she would mind you playing tennis with other women. In short, this is a power play. If she minimizes the importance of sex then it doesn't matter whether she has it or not, thus she holds the power over it.
Disagree. Typically, men don't mind if a women spends money on us and while yeah, we like it, we don't really care. But if she spent the money on another man, we'd care in a hurry. Same thing about telling us how their day went. Guys really don't care for more than a few minutes to hear how his wife's day went (typically) but if his wife suddenly started spending an hour on the phone with some other guy every night, you bet that husband would get upset in a hurry.

As for the original question poised by the OP, I think there are a lot of women like this out there. My ex wife was one, my fiancee for a time was as well. They don't view sex as a need for a bond like men do. It's the way it is for some, likely because they aren't programmed (IE raised or surrounded by peers who think) to think sex is anything a 'good girl' should want, desire and think is important. Sadly, I think a lot of women are raised to think sex is only a burden, used to get kids or get a husband. It's hard to enjoy something you are raised to think is a chore.

Women though have their own bonding needs. Men need sex, women need to be held, cuddled, talked to, etc. We men don't (typically) enjoy sitting down and talking about every little detail of our day after work, but a lot of women sure do. That's their means to bond with us, they want to include us in everything they do and tell us about everything they did. Men would rather veg on the couch or go putter in the garage and when asked how our day was just say "it was ok," not have a 45 minute discussion on if Bill is getting Nancy a Christmas present or not.

I know this is the sex forum, but if a wife doesn't equate sex to intense emotional bonding, it's not really a massive groundshaker. It's likely pretty common actually.
 

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I agree with the others who've said that if she really thinks about it that way then she should be fine with both you and her having sex with other people.

Does she have a history of promiscuity?

What DOES she consider an act of love?

You guys should do The Five Love Languages.
 

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The OP implies (scratch that... I'm inferring from the original post) that his wife doesn't enjoy or care about sex at all. One of the things I've learned around here is that most men perceive sex as an act of intimacy, while women perceive sex as one of many products of intimacy. That's not to say that some women get no enjoyment out of sex at all, but that she enjoys sex as much as she enjoys any bonding experience the couple shares... like tennis.
 
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I would say when a woman is in love, she views it as a loving, emotional, bonding experience. When she isn't, its just screwing, a chore or annoying.
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I had to ask my wife if she felt more loved after sex

or if she felt closer to me before during and afterwards... No No No!

Nothing emotional at all for her.

It's duty sex for her...that's all. I knew that all along. Last night, she just confirmed it.

She did say that she would like more hugs and kisses... Which is what I want...The weird thing is that in 20 years, We still don't hug or kiss with passion. We don't even say ILY anymore. We want it but we don't! Go figure.

I sometimes joke about having another GF/Lover who can provide the sex part she doesn't want and she says she is OK with it. I don't believe her though
 

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I agree with the others who've said that if she really thinks about it that way then she should be fine with both you and her having sex with other people.

Does she have a history of promiscuity?

What DOES she consider an act of love?

You guys should do The Five Love Languages.
I've read the Love language book. My wife hasn't read it yet.

My wife was a virgin at 25 when we met. She never wanted or need sex. I waited for about a years and when I was about to leave her, she gave in. Just enough to keep me around.

Recently, I've wanted more sex and when she felt I was close to leaving, we increased the amount. I know she doesn't really enjoy it at all... Maybe she likes the oral part....And since we've been having more sex in the last 1 1/2 years, I last way too long for her and she just wants me to hurry up and get it over with...
 

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Truth: there have been times in my marriage where not only did I not feel close to my husband, but after sex I felt farther apart. To date, I don't think I've had a spiritual experience making love of my husband. During those times when I approached sex as an obligation, the feelings of disconnect were probably heightened. I've also never thought that my husband was that "in tune" to my pleasure and that sex was at times too mechanical, quick and lacked passion. I have found that as I have been able to allow myself to enjoy sex for me the connection to my husband during love making has increased. Not necessarily because the sex itself has improved, which it slowly has, but because I've experienced a level of trust I hadn't had before.
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To me there is some emotion in sex, but I don't see it as a love bonding experience. Between my wife and I, it is a physical act. I can see how there are much more emotions involved when it happens with someone in the newer stages of a relationship or some of the first times doing it with someone regardless of when in the relationship it is.
 

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Truth: there have been times in my marriage where not only did I not feel close to my husband, but after sex I felt farther apart. To date, I don't think I've had a spiritual experience making love of my husband. During those times when I approached sex as an obligation, the feelings of disconnect were probably heightened. I've also never thought that my husband was that "in tune" to my pleasure and that sex was at times too mechanical, quick and lacked passion. I have found that as I have been able to allow myself to enjoy sex for me the connection to my husband during love making has increased. Not necessarily because the sex itself has improved, which it slowly has, but because I've experienced a level of trust I hadn't had before.
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Many times After sex, I feel an angry vibe from my wife. Sex does seem mechanical most of the time... I try to kiss more during and slow it all down....make it last longer and several rounds of oral, but she just wants it over with...

As far as being "in tune" to my wife's pleasure? She doesn't know how to pleasure herself. She never has done that to herself...ever! It's like something in her mind prevents her enjoyment. If she is really really really in the mood and I spend a long time with oral, she will orgasm...and it seems like she enjoyed the act. Maybe she just doesn't allow herself to enjoy it.

If I WERE to cheat...not that I would, it would be in part to know if I am a lousy lover or not. Maybe my wife is just a cold fish.
 

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I'm not sure she's a cold fish. Are there other forms of intimacy she values? Does she act differently when her inhibitions are decreased, like after a bottle of wine?
 
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