[Ctn594]

Married for 18 years with 3 kids, ages are 17, 13 and 8. I've posted on these forums about 2 to 3 years ago about the same issue although supposely there were different factors that caused the lack of being in the mood on my wifes part.

Sex has always been an issue for us throughout the years. Either a frequency issue, lack of being in the moment, lack of experimenting or initiating...

Never had the feeling that my wife has found me sexually attractive or had a desire for me sexually. At times during heated arguements about this topic she would flat out tell me that I never did anything for her sexually. That she never orgasmed through intercourse with me...

For the first 15 years I would always initiate sex with her, but at least we had weekends were both of us would have a few drinks at home and end up doing it once every 3 to 4 weeks or so. There were so many agruements back then about her being so standoffish about sex and I would go to sleep feeling so empty and lonely on the other weekends. She would be so unattached, cold and didn't offer any feeling back towards me to comfort me. Through these years my wife both my wife and I worked. I worked days and she would work at night. She hated the fact that she missed being home with the kids at night. She really is an awesome mother to my kids, which I will get to later... Earlier in the relationship I did "promise" her that we would be financially secure were she could quit her job, but things didn't pan out. Not that I didn't work hard enough or was lazy, but **** happened, home expenses, cars, additional children...Now back to the sex talk, through this period my wife really liked to have her nipples played with and pulled. It turned me on like there was no tomorrow! She when then masterbate while I played with her chest until she would cum and we would finish it off with us having sex, basically so I could finish and we would be done. I knew I wasn't making her beg for more and that she was getting anything from it. At first it bothered me, but I understood that many women don't achieve orgasm through intercourse. I just always was looking for more sex and any effection because to this day my wife is still the best looking girl out in the world today. Maybe once every few years I would attempt to go down on my wife, but she said she didn't like the way it felt. To me that was a concern because I felt if she was turned on enough she would like the way it would feel. I communicated the best I could to ask what I could do different to please her, but I always got I just don't like it... Overall since we both worked different shifts we just didn't spend much quality time together or we probable would of argued even more... I don't want to make light of this, but there was an interaction that she had with a guy in work that she claimed was just friendly 8 years ago but I will fast forward to 3 years ago...

Over 2 years ago my wife was at her last leg of working. We had a huge agruement about sex, her job and missing being a mother to her kids. She did tell me that she wasn't sexually attracted to me, so unhappy with her life and it looked like we were heading for a divorce. She told me that she never enjoyed me touching her and was just doing for the sake of keeping piece. She came back to me the next day apoligized about the comments of not being sexually attracted to me and at that point in our lifes i said If your job is effecting you so much then quit! Funny thing was that I just lost my 17 year job a year prior to this! Part of me had faith that it would all work out for us and part of me wanted to show my wife that I loved her so much that I would be willing to do anything to make her happy by quitting.

Now for the last 2 years I see my wife more then ever. I will go on record and say she looks better today then any of the years I've known her. She lost the few pounds that she put due to kids and weighs 5 pounds more then when I met her 112 lbs! So now I'm turned on by her more then ever and we still get into constant arguements about sex, but here is the kicker.

Masterbating in front of me? NO! I've been told that is for me and can't I have anything for myself?

Foreplay with her nipples? NO! Don't like the way it feels, don't touch them!

Making out? Not know I'm busy with it NEVER happens. Did I mention to you that years ago she told me we just weren't compatable for kissing???

Going down on her? NO! Told you I never liked it...

Sex position? Only doggy style because all other positions either hurt or we don't feel anything. Forgot to mention kid number 2 was over 10lbs. Ok i'm 5.5" so Im not stacking at the least! lol

I do get blowjobs from her, but I always feel like its there to shut me up...

Now we agrue about frequency and the lack of doing anything besides what she likes, which is only doggy style. as you could imagine the arguements have been getting heated and heated. We argue and I will get doggy style sex or a blowjob for once a week for a couple weeks and then it winds down. To make matters worst my wife who use to drink with me occassionaly has stopped drinking almost entirely, she doesn't like the way she feels the day after drinking... of course nobody does, but this leads to further argueing because she is so prudish...

Over the last 6 months I've thrown in the towel and said I would like a divorce. I even explained that I didn't care how much I would have to pay her a month for alimomy and child support, I just want out! I hurt to much! Last week I told her that this just isn't working out and that I'm miserable. I'm at the point now were I find it hard to initiate anything because I'm so resentful.

Trust me there is so much more, but I feel emotionally drained just writting this. By the way she does everything else for me and is an awesome mother to my kids. Day after day I'm so sexually frustrated it has absolutley ruined the person I am today and has made me very bitter...

 

[DTO]

Well, it sounds like you've done all you can, over an extended period, to make this work. FWIW, a satisfying sex life is a completely reasonable expectation of marriage, even with three kids. Contrary to what you might have heard at some point, there is nothing you can do to make her want you.

You seem to understand that she was serious when she told you she never liked sex with you. There is nothing for her to gain by telling you that (consider how many years she spent putting up with it to maintain a harmonious home). She just lost her ability to put up with it.

Since you said you wanted out, you need to follow through. Assume she took you seriously and is planning to leave. Insist that she not quit her job if the topic comes up again. Get a lawyer and start putting the screws to her. Make it known to your lawyer that she has a night job that she resents (the last thing you want is for her to quit to compete with you for custody and get more money from you). Make it clear that your goal is for you to get as much child time and part with as little money as possible. Her lifestyle is her problem, not yours.

I'm concerned you brought this up months ago and nothing has changed. This tells me she sees you as weak or figures she can get a ton of money out of you (lots of women falsely believe they are entitled to the pre-marital lifestyle, and your wife - resenting having to work - might feel entitled to it). So, whether you are truly done with her or you simply hope to shock her into trying to work this out, you need to move forward with the divorce - aggressively.

 

[Corpuswife]

I am sorry for you and your family. I hope she steps it up in time....

It boils down that she doesn't care about your feelings-that hurts a lot. It's about pleasing each other within reason and taking each other in consideration.

I wonder if she has unmet needs (not sexual)?

 

[EleGirl]

Sex position? Only doggy style because all other positions either hurt or we don't feel anything. Forgot to mention kid number 2 was over 10lbs. Ok i'm 5.5" so Im not stacking at the least! lol
….
Now we agrue about frequency and the lack of doing anything besides what she likes, which is only doggy style.
...

I get that your sex life has been a lot of don’t do this or that. But if she says that other positions hurt or she does not feel anything. So you want her to do things that hurt or that feel like nothing to her? Really? I guess if my husband complained that I would not do things that hurt me I’d turn off to him pretty quickly. .. and things that I cannot feel and enjoy? I’m not really into that either.
Have the two of you ever explored medical solutions like surgery to tighten her up some?

To make matters worst my wife who use to drink with me occassionaly has stopped drinking almost entirely, she doesn't like the way she feels the day after drinking... of course nobody does, but this leads to further argueing because she is so prudish...

Since you say that she does not like the way she feels the next day, you two obviously were used to drinking more than one or two.
And now her not wanting to drink anymore is another reason for divorcing her??? Really????

Trust me there is so much more, but I feel emotionally drained just writting this. By the way she does everything else for me and is an awesome mother to my kids. Day after day I'm so sexually frustrated it has absolutley ruined the person I am today and has made me very bitter...

I can understand that your sex life has not met your needs. But you mention nothing about her needs and wants. What needs of hers does she say are not being met?

 

[AnnoyedAndConfused]

"Trust me there is so much more,but I feel emotionally drained just writting this."

Wow, wow, and wow. I totally get this and commiserate with you. I don't think many women realize how much men pin on sex. Its life affirming, it shows a deep level of trust in your spouse. Its the closest you could possibly get physically with someone else. My wife doesn't get this at all. And as she pulled away so did I , and now there is an enormous chasm between us.
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[Toffer]

"Trust me there is so much more,but I feel emotionally drained just writting this."

Wow, wow, and wow. I totally get this and commiserate with you. I don't think many women realize how much men pin on sex. Its life affirming, it shows a deep level of trust in your spouse. Its the closest you could possibly get physically with someone else. My wife doesn't get this at all. And as she pulled away so did I , and now there is an enormous chasm between us.
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Well said A&C!

I often feel that my wife and I are headed down the same road you find yourself on

OP, I too agree that maybe it's time to move on. Your wife has issues that need addressing and I too am sure she feels that she has needs that you've never met.

Hard to say for sure but I don't know if this one is salvageable

 

[T&T]

What needs of hers does she say are not being met?

^This. Something is missing and until you find out what nothing will change.

Best,

T

 

[smithcarloso]

I'm concerned you brought this up months ago and nothing has changed.

 

[Chris Taylor]

I realize that your work schedules probably didn't permit it, but what about some marriage counseling? because I'd bet she has complaints about you that haven't been aired yet.

 

[Ctn594]

I get that your sex life has been a lot of don’t do this or that. But if she says that other positions hurt or she does not feel anything. So you want her to do things that hurt or that feel like nothing to her? Really? I guess if my husband complained that I would not do things that hurt me I’d turn off to him pretty quickly. .. and things that I cannot feel and enjoy? I’m not really into that either.
Have the two of you ever explored medical solutions like surgery to tighten her up some?

Since you say that she does not like the way she feels the next day, you two obviously were used to drinking more than one or two.
And now her not wanting to drink anymore is another reason for divorcing her??? Really????


I can understand that your sex life has not met your needs. But you mention nothing about her needs and wants. What needs of hers does she say are not being met?

Listen I obviously don't want to hurt her or make her uncomfortable just for my pleasure. Matter of fact I would give my left arm to do anything to pleasure her... All of a sudden everything hurts and bothers her??? Unforunately I take it for what she said years back that it never did anything for her... do you know how much that hurts?

Yes we had maybe 3 or 4 drinks, but it was the only time she loosened up...

To me the writting is on the wall, like the old saying if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and swims like a duck then its a duck.

My wifes needs and wants is a husband who listens, that is a great father to her children and that loves her unconditionally. One of her biggest needs was her ability to quit work and be with the kids. We are now almost 3 years into her being home while I work myself...

I always put a foot forward and attempt to be the husband of her dreams, but it only takes days to realize that she doesn't feel the same way towards me and is oblivious to being effectionate and then I get upset, pissed off, angry and then want to explode. I question why I'm still around, but it all comes back to me loving her...

 

[Ctn594]

I'm concerned you brought this up months ago and nothing has changed.

It changes to the point of her kissing me everyday after work and before bed. Sex (the way she wants it with no foreplay) or blowjob once a week for a couple weeks, but hardly ever multiple times a week with even a smidget of foreplay. There is nothing that she like me to do to her except have sex doggy style, no kissing, no touching, no licking... Sorry but this doesn't make me feel to good about myself and my relationship. Then we go down the bath of me shuting her down by not listening, anger, pissed off, repeat cycle and misery.

It has even got to a point were If I see others on TV, movies or in person make out that I become so jealous and angry... I'm one of the most happy go lucky guys you would ever meet. Never the center of attention, but always the one that others want to be around...

 

[Ctn594]

I realize that your work schedules probably didn't permit it, but what about some marriage counseling? because I'd bet she has complaints about you that haven't been aired yet.

Marriage counseling??? lol Tried that angle. She has social anxiety issues and finds it extremely hard to talk to others. all she has is me and our kids. She only talks to her family once in a blue moon and has no friends. I'm really all she has...

 

[NeverAgain12]

You know if you hadn't mentioned it's been 3 years since she's been home with the kids, I would have called BS on her that meeting that need would change everything and make her attracted to you.

You nailed it in your last paragraph - she just doesn't see your relationship and the importance of the emotional connection you're trying to feel. I feel the exact same way. Our relationship, with plenty of touching/kissing that makes me want to sit around and talk with her for hours - is just not a priority to her. Everything else is more important, and she just does not understand why I'm so angry and distant.

 

[IndyTMI]

Ctn594, I feel your pain, your situation with your wife sounds all too familiar. They just don't seem to want to make any effort towards a mutually loving relationship. I thought women liked to cuddle and share quality time together...I really don't think our wives love us or care to ever get back that loving feeling.

 

[frozen]

I feel your pain and I hope things get better for you.

This situation really sounds like your wife has unresolved daddy issues. Did she have a weak or missing father figure in her youth? Its possible she never really saw you as your own person but as a surrogate for missing areas of her life. If so she is looking for you to fill emotional needs you will not be able to. You are a husband not her father. She must look inside for happiness.

There is a lot of literature on this and something I am familiar with. I am not saying this is her story but you will know if it hits close to home.

 

[Thor]

Any history of sex abuse or assault? Any other abusive aspects to her upbringing such as an alcoholic parent, bordderline personality disordered mother, etc?
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[Chris Taylor]

Marriage counseling??? lol Tried that angle. She has social anxiety issues and finds it extremely hard to talk to others. all she has is me and our kids. She only talks to her family once in a blue moon and has no friends. I'm really all she has...

This should play to your advantage. Where would she be if you weren't around?

My wife is the same way and my therapist and our marriage counselor (she finally relented to go once she knew I was looking for another pace to live) immediately saw this isolation as a big problem.

Force her to go if you have to.