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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'd like to start out with how amazing this forum. It has really opened up my eyes.

I've been with my partner for 3 years. We're not married yet, but I do hope it happens in the future.

I've been scrolling through threads regarding LD/HD. I've really taken to heart the stories people have posted. Especially concerning service sex.

I've been having issues with just that. My girl would be happy with 2-4/MO while I'd want 12/MO. After recent arguments, we finally settled on just having sex even when she is not particularly aroused. Though I am uncomfortable with the idea, it seems to be the only way for me to not be frustrated with the relationship/sex-life. However my dilemma is that the sex frequency gap is quite large...and though she is more than willing to please me, I feel it might be unfair for her to put up with my libido. I am unsure if I want to continue what seems like a life-long battle to sate my libido at the cost of her comfort.

My question to readers/posters is if you are in a similar situation in your marriages, wherein the libidos are vastly different--would you go back and end the relationship if you could? Or is the constant upkeep worth it if only to stay with the one you love?
 

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If sex is important to you, don't marry her. You'd be happier with a woman that has a higher libido and likes sex. With no kids and no marriage certificate, you're in the fortunate position to leave without consequences, something that most of the guys on this forum cannot do.
 

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I agree that you should not marry someone whose sex drive is this much different than yours. There are plenty of high drive women who understand that frequent sex is part of a good, healthy relationship/marriage.
 

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I agree that you should not marry someone whose sex drive is this much different than yours. There are plenty of high drive women who understand that frequent sex is part of a good, healthy relationship/marriage.
I don't mean any disrespect, but plenty seems to be a bit of an overstatement. Maybe the stats prove you correct, I just don't see it. Where are these elusive creatures ? Loch Ness ? There are a handful on TAM, but they are taken.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
If sex is important to you, don't marry her. You'd be happier with a woman that has a higher libido and likes sex. With no kids and no marriage certificate, you're in the fortunate position to leave without consequences, something that most of the guys on this forum cannot do.
I won't lie, I would be thrilled to have a more "romantic" partner but she's an amazing person and I love her. We've being in and out of the relationship a couple times over the issue, but we've always somehow come back to each other. I want to keep trying, but I don't know how foolish my decision is to accept "service" sex in lieu of normal sex where she is in to it. I guess I want know how people here have handled their partners inability to become aroused, and if it ever felt like it was worth abandoning the relationship rather then put up with it.
 

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I won't lie, I would be thrilled to have a more "romantic" partner but she's an amazing person and I love her. We've being in and out of the relationship a couple times over the issue, but we've always somehow come back to each other. I want to keep trying, but I don't know how foolish my decision is to accept "service" sex in lieu of normal sex where she is in to it. I guess I want know how people here have handled their partners inability to become aroused, and if it ever felt like it was worth abandoning the relationship rather then put up with it.
It is extremely foolish to accept the "service sex". Two reasons.

1) It will not satisfy you. What you really want is a partner who WANTS to have sex with you. She will very rarely actually want sex with you because it is she will always feel like she just did it even though it might have been weeks ago. So you will grow unsatisfied with the sex even though it may be frequent.

2) She will use it to control you. The first time she gets mad at you about something she will cut you off from sex as a punishment. Once she gets good at that you'll never get f*cked again without working for it. You will look pathetic to her and then what little desire she had for you in the first place will disappear completely.

Marry someone who wants sex at the same rate you do. 3X a week is pretty average so you should not have a hard time finding someone. It's better to wait to find the right person than to get hitched with the wrong person and be unhappy for the next 10 or 20 and then divorced.
 

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AnonGuy,

The "chore" sex you're receiving now may currently be enough for you but when you get 5 or 10 years down the road it won't be. Add in a few kids, mortage or rent payments and all that fun stuff and it will become worse as you stare into your wife's eyes and know she is just lying there thinking about other items she needs to check off on her "To Do" list once she finishes you!

Seriously, don't get married to this woman! If you do, these words of warning will haunt you forever!
 

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Could not agree with east/west more! I was married for 30 years, (until I discovered my xw was having an affair) my whole married life I dealt with my hd and her ld. The last two years, she basically just gave up fighting and would agree whenever I asked. It was the most unfulfilling sex! Although I could control the frequency, most times I would be more frustrated after than when I wasnt getting any! You have some control now that you are not married. Believe me, if you are not happy now, it will be far worse if you get married, for in any but the very very few instances, sex after marriage declines steadily especially if one of the partners is a ld person. And if you continue to "force" the ld person, resentment will build and build. IF sex is important to you do not settle! You will be miserable. Just keep reading this forum if you want proof!
 

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Oh, and Stargate, I would agree there are PLENTY of women who enjoy sex!!!! If you cant find them you are either not looking in an effiecient manner or need to move! I have been single for just over a year. In that time I have basically seen 3 women, turned away 5 or so others. The three I dated (#3 is my current gf of 7 months, think she is a keeper!) all were very joyful lovers, all enjoyed sex. They are out there!
 

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Anonguyinhistwenties, Please read the responses over and over.

Also read tons of threads on here and you'll get the picture.

Do not marry her until this sex issue is sorted out.
 

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I've wondered that same question as I think back on my relationship. Should I have ended a relationship with someone who I believe I loved because sex wasn't what I wanted it to be.....I don't know if maybe I'm naive but there has to be a compromise here somehow. It doesn't seem right to miss out on someone who you love everything else about except for this one thing. I agree it can be major thing but isn't it harder to find the "right" person versus someone who likes sex as much as you? Doesn't libido change for everyone at different times in their lives? There's also outside stresses with work and kids that can affect how often you have sex or medical issues that come up. I went through a phase where sleep was far more appealing than sex when my son was born. Now my sex drive seems higher than when I first met my husband. Sorry if this doesn't answer your question and just confuses you. I was just surprised so many were saying to leave her. If she is perfect for you otherwise, I hope you can work it out somehow.
 

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You're getting caught up in the quantity, when you need to also focus on the quality.
Duty sex?
I shudder at the thought, of having someone have sex out of a sense of duty, that's just wrong on so many levels.
If you think it's bad now, it's only going to get worse after you get married, it WILL NOT get better.
Repeat, it WILL NOT get better & will actually get worse, you might end up having sex every few months, if you're lucky.
Spend more time in this section, read the stories of people who have put up with 20+ years of a LD spouse.
It's not a pretty picture & something I doubt you want to experience yourself.
At some point love is NOT enough.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
It is extremely foolish to accept the "service sex". Two reasons.

1) It will not satisfy you. What you really want is a partner who WANTS to have sex with you. She will very rarely actually want sex with you because it is she will always feel like she just did it even though it might have been weeks ago. So you will grow unsatisfied with the sex even though it may be frequent.

2) She will use it to control you. The first time she gets mad at you about something she will cut you off from sex as a punishment. Once she gets good at that you'll never get f*cked again without working for it. You will look pathetic to her and then what little desire she had for you in the first place will disappear completely.

Marry someone who wants sex at the same rate you do. 3X a week is pretty average so you should not have a hard time finding someone. It's better to wait to find the right person than to get hitched with the wrong person and be unhappy for the next 10 or 20 and then divorced.
You are the embodiment of my self each lonely night we just say goodnight and rollover. And you are right. We've tried "duty" sex sometimes, but each and every time I've being unable to even finish due to how mundane and casual it seemed--the indifference. Maybe if I was more into hookers that would seem more pleasant? *chuckle* This is also the first time anyone has explained the POV of a LD so clearly. I can clearly imagine that...thinking sex happened yesterday but really it was months ago. It so crystal clear.

I really appreciate everyone's responses and POV. I'll admit I'm naive and direly needed outside POV.


I've wondered that same question as I think back on my relationship. Should I have ended a relationship with someone who I believe I loved because sex wasn't what I wanted it to be.....I don't know if maybe I'm naive but there has to be a compromise here somehow. It doesn't seem right to miss out on someone who you love everything else about except for this one thing. I agree it can be major thing but isn't it harder to find the "right" person versus someone who likes sex as much as you? Doesn't libido change for everyone at different times in their lives? There's also outside stresses with work and kids that can affect how often you have sex or medical issues that come up. I went through a phase where sleep was far more appealing than sex when my son was born. Now my sex drive seems higher than when I first met my husband. Sorry if this doesn't answer your question and just confuses you. I was just surprised so many were saying to leave her. If she is perfect for you otherwise, I hope you can work it out somehow.
These two sentences have being haunting my conscious since the beginning of the relationship. Nobody is perfect correct?

I guess this is why I've tried to figure it out this long.

However this forum has changed me in one way: My sexual needs are not uncommon or weird, they are in fact, very normal. I'm pretty naive, and before I even went as far as thinking 3X/week was a ridiculous number and there was something wrong with me. It didn't help that she "felt" sex was more of a want, than a need. I now know differently though, and I'm confident that I will either get my needs or move on.

The people here are more helpful then I'd ever imagine from a public forum I just randomly googled. Major pluses to everyone :smthumbup:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/58693-men-self-imposed-rejection.html

off-topic: This thread really opened my eyes to the dozens of men who were being not just physically but psychologically affected by LD/HD relationships. I don't want that to ever happen. Sex is important and I'm going to be assertive in making it important :eek:
 

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Anon,

Be careful of temporary changes!

many of us have seen improvement but they never last long! Best I got was increased frequency for about 6 months and then before I knew it, we were back to where we started!
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Anon,

Be careful of temporary changes!

many of us have seen improvement but they never last long! Best I got was increased frequency for about 6 months and then before I knew it, we were back to where we started!
It's hard to be wary of traps down the line, I think! But though I've set goals for our sex-life in the past, she has let them "slip" away. I will be watching things like a hawk this time.
 

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I could easily have sex every day (even 1 - 4x a day at times) but realistically, my wife's low drive, compromising to her, 2 - 3x week and only when I initiate. If left up to her, 1 - 2x month. A healthy compromise for me would be maybe once every 2nd day, 3 - 4x each week, but its what she wants, man up, etc....heh.
 

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Sex decreases after marriage. If you're having problems now it will only get worse later.

Think carefully before marrying this girl.
 

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After recent arguments, we finally settled on just having sex even when she is not particularly aroused. Though I am uncomfortable with the idea, it seems to be the only way for me to not be frustrated with the relationship/sex-life. However my dilemma is that the sex frequency gap is quite large...and though she is more than willing to please me, I feel it might be unfair for her to put up with my libido. I am unsure if I want to continue what seems like a life-long battle to sate my libido at the cost of her comfort.

My question to readers/posters is if you are in a similar situation in your marriages, wherein the libidos are vastly different--would you go back and end the relationship if you could? Or is the constant upkeep worth it if only to stay with the one you love?
AnonGuyinhistwenties,

It is very smart to be on your journey for help concerning sex drive differences. It seems like both of you respect and care about each other. She seems to genuinely care about your needs even if she is not as motivated as you.

What matters the most is intentionality. I would evaluate her love for you more than anything else. Even if she has a psychological issue with even the idea of sex... if she loves you and is willing to work through it... even if she is bipolar... it is not fair to write her off as hopeless.

Where there is love and deference for the greater good of each other there is hope for working things out.

In my case, generally, I am the HD and my wife has the lower drive. I don't look at that as a roadblock... I see that as a hurdle that CAN be conquered. I understand her needs that produce a desire for greater intimacy. I work very hard to meet those needs. We end up relating greatly to each other, AND...

... MOST of the time we reach that deep level of intimacy both of us need. There have been nights were I know that I want sexual intimacy and that she is not ready... so I hunker down and spend the time relating to her based on her needs. It may take 5, 6, or 7 hours of simply spending time together at night, but when she is ready... she is ready. I don't see a problem with the level of effort needed to reach that point together. When we are relational and caring for each other the whole time... it really is no effort at all.

I address the specific habits that a husband can do to reach the heart of his wife and to secure a much better relationship over the years in a video I made in my 7 Husband Habits link in my signature box. Consider those habits and try them now to see if they can work for you.

To answer your question: If you look at meeting your wife's need first, relationally, then no, it is not constant upkeep. However, the focus you place on her is well worth it - And, you get to be with the one you love.
 

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BTW... it rarely takes 5-6 hours to get intimacy in my marriage as an example.

My wife has told me that the more frequent I try the easier it is for her to reach intimacy the next time. If I keep at it (gently) every day, then before I know it... an increasing frequency is a result.
 

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BTW... it rarely takes 5-6 hours to get intimacy in my marriage as an example.

My wife has told me that the more frequent I try the easier it is for her to reach intimacy the next time. If I keep at it (gently) every day, then before I know it... an increasing frequency is a result.
RPS,

Just curious but what is the frequency right now and how old are you guys and how long have you been married and do you have kids?
 
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