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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi Everyone,

I signed up because I’m starting to feel at a loss as to what to do about my sex life between myself and my wife. We have been married for almost 10 years but together for almost 20. When we met we had great sex, often. It remained good throughout our early years of marriage and then we had two children, now 7 & 3. Naturally things have gradually slipped but they’ve become much worse than I can bear and I recently had to bring up the subject saying the lack of sex was an issue for me. It ended in an argument but we eventually agreed that we had differing sex drives, she said she still found me attractive and loved it when we do have sex but that she just didn’t want it as frequently. I was ok with this because I didn’t feel like it was an issue with me. I, like most men, could have sex every day. However, I understand that women are different and my wife said that she would make more of an effort with us and would look after me a little more. All fine, or so I thought...

When we had our discussion / argument I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t pressure her for sex, I wouldn’t touch her boobs, bum or bits but would reciprocate any intimate touching if she made the first move. That seemed to work well for a few days after the discussion and we had some intimacy but now it’s back to where we were and today I feel it’s particularly bad.

We had been discussing for weeks that we would have a ‘breakfast date’ this morning because both kids were at school and we were both off. We would head out for breakfast and then back to ours for some lovin’. However, on the way back from breakfast I mentioned that we should do some decorating in our house at some point, just a lick of paint. My wife then got really excited and said we should go to the DIY store, I asked her if she was absolutely sure and she said yes. We picked the paint and started to head home, I contained my excitement thinking we were finally going to do it when we got back but I was also now conscious of the time before we had to pick our youngest up from school in 30 mins. When we walked through the front door she then started doing jobs around the house - stuff that could’ve waited...and then said after that she had to go and pick our kid up.

So now I’m typing this, feeling very frustrated, angry and stupid. I feel like she’s just messing with me because she knows I want sex often and so she controls when we do it and if she’s not totally in the mood then we don’t do anything. I’m honestly getting to the point where I feel that if things don’t improve it’s going to cause a serious enough issue for me to consider looking elsewhere for it. I love her and I really don’t want this to be an issue but unfortunately it is.

Can anyone help?
 

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Sounds pretty familiar. I've often claimed here, to the astonishment of many, that the best way for me to insure that sex will not happen on a given day is to take her out on a date.

I don't know what to advise you. Maybe have sex before going out. Some have advised me to do that as it works for them. In the past we had sex dates where we didn't leave home. That doesn't currently work.
 

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This is pretty much exactly what I've gone through only I'm 25 years married. I can only tell you that things most likely won't change. At least they haven't for me and I've tried numerous things. The resentment will build up. If you stop initiating to give her space you won't get any but maybe once per month. She'll initiate eventually to keep you around but that's it. When you do have sex she may even say "That was great. We have to do this more often!"? Then you'll initiate and get rejected repeatedly and the cycle will continue. There's not much hope for change in my experience.
 

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Your wife sounds exactly like me. I didnt realize how important sex was to husbands before I got on this forum.

I can give you some insight from my experience....

After you have kids a wife starts to feel like she is "doing " for others all the time. Everybody wants a piece of her, when the kids are finally in bed or out and the chores are done she just wants to be able to do whatever -for herself. As hurtful as this may seem sometimes sex is seen as just one more chore or something else that must be "done" for someone else. MC told me at this point women dont have much drive unless the house is clean, the kids are at a sitters, they've had their nails and feet done and are wearing something that makes them feel attractive. Even then it can take awhile to get into it but once they get going they feel pleasure.
If you can afford one get a cleaning lady even 2x a month makes a difference.

There are hormonal changes that can make sex uncomfortable. Lube or estrogen cream is your friend.

Changes along with the pressures of mid life-children, finances, work, parents, weight gain.... all can make wives tired and somewhat depressed. They can literally feel like they could never have sex again for the rest of their life and that would be fine. That was where I was at.

H stopped trying to have sex with me. At first it was a relief but then I got to thinking maybe he was turning towards someone else to have his needs met....I went to IC and she suggested I watch the TED video "mating in captivity". I did and it helped me see things from a new perspective.

What worked for me at this time was to go on Wellbutrin. It increases dopamine- which allows you to feel pleasure and acts a bit like a female viagra. It is an antidepressant and is not prescribed for this but since depression is often a contributing factor to low libido it kills 2 birds with one stone. It gave me enough motivation to step up my game. Lose some weight, change my hair, buy some clothes get my nails done. That helps you feel desire again. After doing this I felt comfortable with my body again. It is not perfect, it is not at its ideal weight, I do yoga but I dont hit the gym....Ive had 3 kids and not everything is where it should be anymore but...I am at peace with my self. I can walk around naked and not feel self conscious.

Try to get your wife comfortable with her body. Go naked- skinny dip, go in a hot tub naked, walk around the yard or house naked, go on a vacation where there is a nude beach . (He once said he'd pay for a tummy tightening procedure to fix the little paunch from my hystorectomy - I laughed and said I'm fine with it- and I am- just as I am fine with his faults). Confidence in your body is sexy no matter what it looks like.

Sleep naked and spoon. I cant stress this enough. If she goes on wellbutrin and can feel pleasure again this is the most bonding experience. When we first started doing this we found such great comfort in it that we would be out for dinner and couldnt wait to get home to get naked and sleep together. NOT always leading to sex. Sometimes he gives me a back scratch with no expectations. That makes me feel cared for.

Important to meet her needs as much as you can -not just when you want sex. read his needs her needs and get to know each other again.

Currently H and I have as much sex now as we did before kids. We have fun and are flirty with each other. I bought some bendable skeletons and regularly put them in various sex positions for him to find around the house. He doesnt think I'm near as hilarious as I do. LOL

Coles notes version
1.read his needs her needs together
2.get a cleaning lady as often as you can afford
3. have her watch the TED lecture "mating in captivity"
4. Have her ask her dr if She can try Wellbutrin
5. encourage her to feel better about herself- hair done, nails done, a few new clothes, eat healthy, yoga/excercise
6. sleep naked and spoon
7. find other times to be playfully naked- swimming , hot tub, in the yard at night
8.Appreciate her body in a non sexual way- massage, back scratch, without expectations
9. go to MC to discuss ways to improve the marriage that dont have to do with sex.

Hope this helps
 

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you have two choices:
1) Tell her - this is unrealistic and unacceptable for me to remain in this relationship. I want sex. You do not. All that will come from this is, is resentment and hatred, if we continue down this path.. We need to split or this gets fixed immediately.
2) You shut your mouth. Start the 180. Separate your emotions from her and find other things to do (NOT CHEAT!). You can coexist and be relatively happy without intimacy if you put your mind to it.

I'm not even going to dignify recommending you open up the marriage or ask her for hall passes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hi Everyone and thanks for the replies, it's really appreciated. It's somewhat comforting to know that I'm not alone with this problem but I must admit I feel concerned hearing from those that have said things don't tend to get better. I'll try to reply inline to the comments.

One thing stood out, you won't grab her boobs and butt and bits anymore. Is this how you were initiating sex before? Not likely much of a turn on for her if it was.

How often do you go on dates and have alone time? Once every few weeks isn't enough.
I wouldn't necessarily initiate sex that way, more if she walked past I'd give her a gentle tap on the butt or something - not a hard grope or anything! I find her attractive so I want to touch her! We are alone every night when the kids go to bed and probably go out together once a month. If it was up to her we would go far less.

Your wife sounds exactly like me. I didnt realize how important sex was to husbands before I got on this forum.

I can give you some insight from my experience....

After you have kids a wife starts to feel like she is "doing " for others all the time. Everybody wants a piece of her, when the kids are finally in bed or out and the chores are done she just wants to be able to do whatever -for herself. As hurtful as this may seem sometimes sex is seen as just one more chore or something else that must be "done" for someone else. MC told me at this point women dont have much drive unless the house is clean, the kids are at a sitters, they've had their nails and feet done and are wearing something that makes them feel attractive. Even then it can take awhile to get into it but once they get going they feel pleasure.
If you can afford one get a cleaning lady even 2x a month makes a difference.

There are hormonal changes that can make sex uncomfortable. Lube or estrogen cream is your friend.

Changes along with the pressures of mid life-children, finances, work, parents, weight gain.... all can make wives tired and somewhat depressed. They can literally feel like they could never have sex again for the rest of their life and that would be fine. That was where I was at.

H stopped trying to have sex with me. At first it was a relief but then I got to thinking maybe he was turning towards someone else to have his needs met....I went to IC and she suggested I watch the TED video "mating in captivity". I did and it helped me see things from a new perspective.

What worked for me at this time was to go on Wellbutrin. It increases dopamine- which allows you to feel pleasure and acts a bit like a female viagra. It is an antidepressant and is not prescribed for this but since depression is often a contributing factor to low libido it kills 2 birds with one stone. It gave me enough motivation to step up my game. Lose some weight, change my hair, buy some clothes get my nails done. That helps you feel desire again. After doing this I felt comfortable with my body again. It is not perfect, it is not at its ideal weight, I do yoga but I dont hit the gym....Ive had 3 kids and not everything is where it should be anymore but...I am at peace with my self. I can walk around naked and not feel self conscious.

Try to get your wife comfortable with her body. Go naked- skinny dip, go in a hot tub naked, walk around the yard or house naked, go on a vacation where there is a nude beach . (He once said he'd pay for a tummy tightening procedure to fix the little paunch from my hystorectomy - I laughed and said I'm fine with it- and I am- just as I am fine with his faults). Confidence in your body is sexy no matter what it looks like.

Sleep naked and spoon. I cant stress this enough. If she goes on wellbutrin and can feel pleasure again this is the most bonding experience. When we first started doing this we found such great comfort in it that we would be out for dinner and couldnt wait to get home to get naked and sleep together. NOT always leading to sex. Sometimes he gives me a back scratch with no expectations. That makes me feel cared for.

Important to meet her needs as much as you can -not just when you want sex. read his needs her needs and get to know each other again.

Currently H and I have as much sex now as we did before kids. We have fun and are flirty with each other. I bought some bendable skeletons and regularly put them in various sex positions for him to find around the house. He doesnt think I'm near as hilarious as I do. LOL

Coles notes version
1.read his needs her needs together
2.get a cleaning lady as often as you can afford
3. have her watch the TED lecture "mating in captivity"
4. Have her ask her dr if She can try Wellbutrin
5. encourage her to feel better about herself- hair done, nails done, a few new clothes, eat healthy, yoga/excercise
6. sleep naked and spoon
7. find other times to be playfully naked- swimming , hot tub, in the yard at night
8.Appreciate her body in a non sexual way- massage, back scratch, without expectations
9. go to MC to discuss ways to improve the marriage that dont have to do with sex.

Hope this helps
Wow thanks for this response and a lot of what you've said I've read about or done. My difficulty with all that you have suggested is I do loads for her, I cook, I clean, I look after the boys, I make time, I tell her she's gorgeous, I run baths, I give her massages, I do all of the things you mentioned. What I resent is that I do all of those things and still it doesn't improve our situation. I completely understand that a women is different but I get nothing back. Sorry to sound crude here, but she gave me a handjob about 2 weeks ago and it may as well have been done by a robot - nothing sensual in the slightest.

If I told her to seek medication then I think she'd tell me to go jump, she wouldn't see it as her issue that she doesn't want sex more often.

Sounds pretty familiar. I've often claimed here, to the astonishment of many, that the best way for me to insure that sex will not happen on a given day is to take her out on a date.

I don't know what to advise you. Maybe have sex before going out. Some have advised me to do that as it works for them. In the past we had sex dates where we didn't leave home. That doesn't currently work.
Thanks and sorry to hear you're having the same problem, I can certainly relate!

This is pretty much exactly what I've gone through only I'm 25 years married. I can only tell you that things most likely won't change. At least they haven't for me and I've tried numerous things. The resentment will build up. If you stop initiating to give her space you won't get any but maybe once per month. She'll initiate eventually to keep you around but that's it. When you do have sex she may even say "That was great. We have to do this more often!"? Then you'll initiate and get rejected repeatedly and the cycle will continue. There's not much hope for change in my experience.
Sounds awful and I feel for you. Do you plan to do anything in the long run i.e. leave her? My wife does a similar thing, she'll get slightly concerned and make an effort and things will improve then as quickly as it came, it goes.

you have two choices:
1) Tell her - this is unrealistic and unacceptable for me to remain in this relationship. I want sex. You do not. All that will come from this is, is resentment and hatred, if we continue down this path.. We need to split or this gets fixed immediately.
2) You shut your mouth. Start the 180. Separate your emotions from her and find other things to do (NOT CHEAT!). You can coexist and be relatively happy without intimacy if you put your mind to it.

I'm not even going to dignify recommending you open up the marriage or ask her for hall passes.
Thanks, as brutal as it sounds number 1 is probably the answer...I think deep down she is never going to change and that makes me so very sad.
 

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No, it will likely never change to full satisfaction. IMO, your best case is a slight improvement that might hold you for some more years. You may also get bouts of good sex if she feels you're serious about leaving over it that will fade again to where you are once she's comfortable again.

There is likely some little changes and tweaks that can be made for improvement. Insisting on once a week date nights and 15 hours a week alone (no kids, no electronics) time, no grabbing at her bits (most women I talk to hate this with a passion) doing more daylong foreplay and not just right before sex.

But the main point will always be- is the effort worth the small improvement for you?
 

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Can anyone help?

@charliechalk it sounds as if you and your wife can talk openly and realistically about sex in your marriage. This is a huge plus, as it will be challenging to work through this together and find a way that intimacy can be a something that is enjoyable and not a source of conflict.

From time to time intimacy will drive a couple towards self development which may feel like conflict, but this should be viewed as an opportunity to help each other improve. Odds are your wife needs you to develop better nonsexual intimacy for which she will likely respond better during sexual intimacy.

Based on your description, there is a chance that you wife may be struggling with her self esteem in that your physical advances towards her are perceived as unwarranted. Many women claim in marriage that they grow to feel as if they are just being used sexually as an emotional connection has been gradually decaying over time in the marriage. Men tend to compensate with more desire for sex as a way to reestablish this connection, but when a woman has low self esteem these efforts then turn into something that serves to destroy the emotional connection in the marriage even more. This is because a wife with low self esteem convinces herself that her husband's urges for sex are completely arbitrary and completely unattributed to her beauty. Meanwhile a husband will perceive his wife as the most beautiful and desirable woman in the planet, but she will refuse to believe this as if it is just a lie to manipulate her for more sex.

So if that is the case, self development would be to help improve you wife's self esteem. You will have to do this primarily through nonsexual intimacy as it proves to her that you are not using her.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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Read the threads. These situations only get worse over time. Even the poster who claims to have got better only started to try after her husband detached. Anyway my recommendation is to start to detach and work on an exit plan.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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Its a sadly common situation, lots of threads.

First off though have you eliminated any medical or drug issues? Is she on any medication, birth control etc that could be affecting her libido? This can have a huge effect.

Then, is there anything she is unhappy about in your marriage? Is everything else good?

Have you changed in any way that might decrease her desire (other than natural ageing). Are you still in OK physical condition, do you do the same sort of romantic things for her that you did long ago etc?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
No, it will likely never change to full satisfaction. IMO, your best case is a slight improvement that might hold you for some more years. You may also get bouts of good sex if she feels you're serious about leaving over it that will fade again to where you are once she's comfortable again.

There is likely some little changes and tweaks that can be made for improvement. Insisting on once a week date nights and 15 hours a week alone (no kids, no electronics) time, no grabbing at her bits (most women I talk to hate this with a passion) doing more daylong foreplay and not just right before sex.

But the main point will always be- is the effort worth the small improvement for you?
Ouch, it sounds like you've really been through it with this one. Thanks for your input, it certainly shows that I shouldn't leave things too long without saying anything.

@charliechalk it sounds as if you and your wife can talk openly and realistically about sex in your marriage. This is a huge plus, as it will be challenging to work through this together and find a way that intimacy can be a something that is enjoyable and not a source of conflict.

From time to time intimacy will drive a couple towards self development which may feel like conflict, but this should be viewed as an opportunity to help each other improve. Odds are your wife needs you to develop better nonsexual intimacy for which she will likely respond better during sexual intimacy.

Based on your description, there is a chance that you wife may be struggling with her self esteem in that your physical advances towards her are perceived as unwarranted. Many women claim in marriage that they grow to feel as if they are just being used sexually as an emotional connection has been gradually decaying over time in the marriage. Men tend to compensate with more desire for sex as a way to reestablish this connection, but when a woman has low self esteem these efforts then turn into something that serves to destroy the emotional connection in the marriage even more. This is because a wife with low self esteem convinces herself that her husband's urges for sex are completely arbitrary and completely unattributed to her beauty. Meanwhile a husband will perceive his wife as the most beautiful and desirable woman in the planet, but she will refuse to believe this as if it is just a lie to manipulate her for more sex.

So if that is the case, self development would be to help improve you wife's self esteem. You will have to do this primarily through nonsexual intimacy as it proves to her that you are not using her.

Regards,
Badsanta
This is really useful thanks Badsanta, I hadn't looked at it from this angle and I think it is certianly something that I will try to help her with. Maybe she is feeling a little low on self esteem. I'll try this before bouling in with an ultimatum.

Read the threads. These situations only get worse over time. Even the poster who claims to have got better only started to try after her husband detached. Anyway my recommendation is to start to detach and work on an exit plan.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
ha ha, thanks. I'm not ready to just give up yet but I will take on board the advice I have received and am receiving on here.

As someone else said, a woman is constantly doing for everyone else but herself.

That doesn't stop after 6 pm like it does for you when you leave work. It doesn't stop on the weekends like it does for you, or the middle of the night or on holidays like it does for you. Her responsibility to OTHERS is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, year after year after year.

So while you're all horned out any given evening at 8 pm or on a Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning (because YOU'RE off the clock and have nothing else to worry about), she ISN'T. She's still on the clock, menu planning, worrying about the laundry that needs to be done, going to the market to pick up groceries, hemming your daughter's dress for school, and on and on and on. She's always working! And by the time she IS able to get a damned minute to herself at night, she's just grateful for the peace.

You and your nasty childish attitude that she does this purely to 'mess with you' just proves how damned selfish and self-centered you really are.


Yes, because it's the ALL ABOUT YOU SHOW, isn't it?

So you don't have the guts to stand behind your convictions - that this situation is unacceptable for you, but will resort to typical weasel behavior - getting laid somewhere else and risking your wife's sexual health, instead.

Yeah, you're a real prince.
Who do you think you are?? Your response is vile and you know nothing about me apart for my posts.

Firstly, I am the one who looks after the children whilst she goes to work. Therefore I am the one that is constantly taking them to school, thinking about their meals, feeding them, bathing them, taking them the various activitites they do throughout the week. Just because I am a man you jump to conclusions - how sexist!

My nasty child attitude? What are you talking about? Because I want sex with my wife, who I love, you feel that is childish??

No it isn't all about me actually, it's about a our relationship as a husband and wife not about us being best buddies who live together

Your post has helped though, it has made me thankful that I'm not married to some old fashioned sexist prat like you. Your poor partner, if you even have one foolish enought to stick around...
 

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So you ran the typical course of a sex life in marriage after a few kids. You and many others like you. Talk to your wife. Tell her that you cannot go on much longer with your sex life as it is and you do not want to cheat like a lot of guys do when they are not getting enough at home. Maybe she can meet you halfway but even then, sex without desire and passion is usually worse than masturbation watching porn.

My wife did what few wives would do. She set me up with her recently divorced girlfriend who did not want to date but wanted sex. We ended up giving her a room in our home and my wife and I shared her for 30 years. She was more into sex with me than with my wife but hung with my wife. She liked all the same fetishes that I do and was good at them. She had 38 EE breasts on nice body with long blonde hair and Norwegian milk white skin. That solved our problem. My wife was glad to have someone to pass me off to when I was horny and she was not. Plus she had her best friend living with her and so was a very happy camper. No jealousy and not even one argument with our girlfriend. She fit into our marriage perfectly knowing her role.

Then we moved far away. We were a couple again and like you I needed sex much more than my wife did. In fact, my wife would be fine with sex once or twice a year as she prefers women for sex but men for everything else. I told her that if I did not get sex from her I assume I could get it elsewhere. That had an effect on her but the sex was out of marital duty and no fun at all. I often left the bed complaining about it being too mechanical. Once again we had an unusual solution. For the last 5 years we have been into chastity play. Google it as it takes many forms. What it does is allow my wife control over our sex life and focusing sex on her, not me. As a result of being in control of our sex life, my wife is having some of the best orgasms of her life at 65. We only have sex twice a week, but that is more than most our age are having. Plus my wife will sexually tease me daily keeping me constantly sexually aroused. It has greatly helped me control my libido and can go a few months without an oragsm. We still have regular sex but all that is missing is the 10 seconds of my orgasm. Chastity slowed down my libido (It has been 45 days since my last orgasm) and increased hers. I thought chastity was stupid and guys wanting to forgo many of their orgasms were crazy. What I did not know then was that I would become addicted to feeling sexually aroused all the time and being turned on by the smallest of things like my wife's bare shoulder.

If you are curious as to how I control my masturbation, I wear a custom made chastity cage that she locks on me and removed when she wants to play with me. We have been at this for almost 5 years and it took a sexless marriage and made it fun. It took my sexual frustration of not having enough sex and turned it into a fun sexual fetish.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Very true too shesstillgotit.

And being on the clock and having your husband come up and grab at your bits is usually just annoying.

If you want to use your hands, use them to help. I think I would O on the spot if a man said "babe, go relax. I'll take care of everything else tonight. You've done a lot already."
Your making me out to be some kind of weirdo who goes up and grabs her tits then walks off. It isn't like that at all, I'm simply showing her some affection. In my original post I meant if we kiss I don't then make any sexual advances so it is entirely up to her.

For information I do loads for her, I constantly take care of the house by cooking, tidying and sorting the kids. Just because I'm a man it doesn't mean I do a 9-5, come in the house, demand a beer and some sex!!
 

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Change "I do loads for her" to "I do my job around the house"

Nothing less sexy than a man who thinks cooking and tidying and taking care of his kids is "for her"

A subtle but important distinction. Do you both work?
 

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Ouch, it sounds like you've really been through it with this one. Thanks for your input, it certainly shows that I shouldn't leave things too long without saying anything.



This is really useful thanks Badsanta, I hadn't looked at it from this angle and I think it is certianly something that I will try to help her with. Maybe she is feeling a little low on self esteem. I'll try this before bouling in with an ultimatum.



ha ha, thanks. I'm not ready to just give up yet but I will take on board the advice I have received and am receiving on here.



Who do you think you are?? Your response is vile and you know nothing about me apart for my posts.

Firstly, I am the one who looks after the children whilst she goes to work. Therefore I am the one that is constantly taking them to school, thinking about their meals, feeding them, bathing them, taking them the various activitites they do throughout the week. Just because I am a man you jump to conclusions - how sexist!

My nasty child attitude? What are you talking about? Because I want sex with my wife, who I love, you feel that is childish??

No it isn't all about me actually, it's about a our relationship as a husband and wife not about us being best buddies who live together

Your post has helped though, it has made me thankful that I'm not married to some old fashioned sexist prat like you. Your poor partner, if you even have one foolish enought to stick around...
Oh that rascally She'sStillGotIT :D

Yeah, if you read many of the sex starved husband threads, what she said above simply doesn't apply, and is a ridiculous stereotype and catchy "on the clock 24/7 having to do it aaaaalll" trope that falls flat in most cases, but it sounds good and feels good for some to say. And in some cases, it may actually be close to true, just not nearly in as many cases as some would like to believe.

The reality is that all the things you do, the care you give to the family and relationship are at best seen as the norm, status quo, are expected, taken for granted, so anything more you do will not have much of a positive affect, but anything less that you do will make things worse.

To me, it sounds like your wife just isn't attracted to you any more, and unfortunately, that is something that rarely changes, no matter what you do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Change "I do loads for her" to "I do my job around the house"

Nothing less sexy than a man who thinks cooking and tidying and taking care of his kids is "for her"

A subtle but important distinction. Do you both work?
Fair comment, I don't actually go around saying I do it all for her...we both work yes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Oh that rascally She'sStillGotIT :D

Yeah, if you read many of the sex starved husband threads, what she said above simply doesn't apply, and is a ridiculous stereotype and catchy "on the clock 24/7 having to do it aaaaalll" trope that falls flat in most cases, but it sounds good and feels good for some to say. And in some cases, it may actually be close to true, just not nearly in as many cases as some would like to believe.

The reality is that all the things you do, the care you give to the family and relationship are at best seen as the norm, status quo, are expected, taken for granted, so anything more you do will not have much of a positive affect, but anything less that you do will make things worse.

To me, it sounds like your wife just isn't attracted to you any more, and unfortunately, that is something that rarely changes, no matter what you do.
Thanks, it might sound good for She'sStillGotIT to say but she's come across as a right troll. Anyway...The attraction thing came up in our discussion / argument and she swore she still found me attractive, I looked for every sign to see if it was a lie but she went on to say she genuinely did - how she likes my bum, my shoulders, my face etc. If it was that then at least I'd know the reason but I'm not so sure.
 

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@charliechalk

I feel for ya man. As you can see by responses here, there are many in your boat. I myself have been on this site for a month or 2 and this kind of thread (the same kind that I posted here for my first time also) is far too prevalent. There are quite a few books that are frequently mentioned here for folks in our situations. His Needs Her Needs, No More Mr. Nice Guy, to name a couple. Check 'em out and see if they fit your situation. One of the biggest issues is that women don't get the fact that sex is an actual emotional need of our, much like us being present and attentive in the relationship is a need of theirs. No offense meant here by any means but you mentioned that you take care of the kids and do many of the jobs that would normally be attributed to the woman, has this by chance made you lose some of your masculinity? Maybe you've lost some of the edge that made you so attractive to your wife in the first place? I ask because I am kind of in the same situation as you, I take care of a lot of the household duties and help as much as I can with the kids and anything else my wife needs. Not because I want to say, "oooh look what I did for you, now drop your panties" but because it's what a good partner does. Because of this, I do feel that I allowed my beta side to dominate my alpha side a little too much and am working on that. Perhaps you can take a look at that too?

Point is, there's a ton of resources on here Bro and even more opinions. There are definitely thing you can try and, as long as your wife is open to trying them out seriously, I dont see any reason you should be looking for it elsewhere. Unless she just flat out says to hell with it, I'm not changing. If that happens then, please take the advice of many others here and do the right thing. Divorce first before you cheat.
 

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Has your wife ever told you that you are not carrying your weight? Does she complain about "doing it all"?

Look...there are certain types of triggering threads where posters here will project. Hell, I'm periodically guilty of it as well.

What are all the special things you do for her? Think about it. These are the things that you do only for her, and if she were to die tomorrow, you would stop doing.

Cleaning the house? Nope. Taking the kids to school? Nope.

Massages? Dates? Foot rubs? Letting her control the thermostat? All of that applies.

Look...you can try to do more of that...and frankly, you need to if you are struggling to think of any. This would make posters like @She'sStillGotIt correct.

However, if you are already doing these things in abundance...you can do less.

Right now, she is not thinking of your needs, or is not taking them seriously.

Stop everything you do specifically for her. Use that time to do things you are interested in: hobbies, time with kids only...stuff without her. She will notice.

At first, you will get this:

"What's wrong?'

Smile, and tell her nothing is wrong.

When she finally gets frustrated enough to ask you why you have stopped doing these things, you say:

"You made it clear that fulfilling a partners needs in a relationship are not important."

This will likely anger her, and it will be "all about sex".

Shrug your shoulders and say:

"When you are ready to talk without marginalizing my needs in a relationship, I am ready to listen."

Then walk away.

Bottom line is that you invest into her needs exactly as much as she invests into yours.

Now...if she does not say anything about you stopping on the things just for her, your marriage is in dire trouble.
 
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