[EuroAussie]

Hi, first post here.

I'll try to be brief even though I could write pages of details here.

I have been married to my wife for two years, seven years together.

Im a native english speaker but my wife isnt. I work as an expat in Europe where English is not the main language in the country.

We communicate in English and she is at a higher intermediate level. We can communicate no problem, but not on a deep level. In other words its hard to have deep, insightful conversations as she doesnt have the words to experess herself.

This is a frustration, but we make up for it my showing lots of affection towards each other through gestures and other non communicative ways.

Anyway, why is this thread in the 'Sex in Marriage' section ?

Were both finding that this lack of deep communication is affecting our sex life. The best way to describe it is that as we dont have that little every day banter and laughter that two native speakers have, which often can progress to a sexual / romantic finale.

We found this is somewhat of a barrier which is stopping us from having a more enjoyable sex life .... in the end sex is a lot about communication, which is our weakness due to the language differences. (although we are both strong communicators in our native languages)

So my question is whether anybody has also experience living with a partner who is not a native speaker and what sort of approach, ideas, dare I say 'tactics' one uses to make this communication barrier lesser and have a more enjoyable marriage and sex life.

thank you,
EA

 

[wiigirl]

Being a non-native english speaker I have to say it was hard, but I with sex it was never an issue. Its more attitude and naughty looks for me.

I can see where funny things and little jokes could be an issue.

 

[norajane]

Have you tried to learn her language? Even if you're terrible at it at first, I think seeing that you are making an effort to communicate with her in her language can bring you closer. And maybe your attempts would add some laughter to your home .

You're on the right track, though. Sex and intimacy start in the mind.

 

[appletree]

As you live in Europe you need to learn the language of the country you live in (I assume England is NOT Europe, at least they think it's that way). And your GF must learn more English, this is not at all complicated. Simply by reading and watching movies. There are so many bilingual families around, that is not really a problem. Learning a foreign language that you can have deeper conversations is not a problem either (I know this from experience). But it is always an advantage that you can slide into the other (or a third) language if you are missing a word or according to the conversation.

 

[JCD]

My wife wasn't a native English speaker. We had communication issues but more from the 'rugsweeping' aspects of her culture and Anglo Reticence on mine.

This seems to be making a mountain out of a mole hill. My wife and I never had a problem in the sex department.

What I can STRONGLY suggest to you is that you correct her all the time (in a good way). Those language skills strengthen quickly. Encourage her in her jokes. Explain them to each other. Laugh gently at foibles and treat it with a sense of humor.

Certainly have a lot of touchy feely 'biology' language lessons. Tell her all the names of what this or that body part is called in non naughty ways so she can start to engage in banter and understands yours.

I hope this is a speed bump and not part of deeper issues in the marriage.

 

[EuroAussie]

Thanks for the replies folks. Im certainly working on the language (infact were about to go to the pub to do my homework).

However its still a long way from being fluent, and certainly her English will always be better than the other way round.

 

[Chris Taylor]

How about physical "communication"? Touch? Rubbing?

Not always leading to sex but demonstrating a closeness that you may not be able to convey through language.

 

[Relic]

EuroAussi,

To be honest, I really doubt that nature of your problem/challenge has anything to do with the fact that you have different mother tongues.

My wife and I have different mother tongues and she is from a different country. We met when I was living there. She could barely speak English.

The chemical attraction kept things hot and heavy for a long time while we improved on the verbal communication.

If anything I always thought our sexual relationship was twice as wild because of the linguistic and cultural differences.

I understand what you're saying about the inability to have deeply theoretical conversations requiring specialized vocabulary, but it's pretty easy to teach sex vocabulary. You're either overthinking it or the two of you are too shy to make things spicier in your relationship.

Am I on to something?

Regardless, I am not too worried about you. You sound like you're very in love with each other. I'd say you've got to have a good conversation one day soon and discuss how you'd like to spice the sexual relationship up and ask her to trust you and just go along with it next time. Then a few days later, have a couple of glasses of wine together, and then go have some extra fun in the bedroom with her. Tell her what you want and then do it. She'll stop you if she's not comfortable.

 

[EuroAussie]

Actually in the beginning the lack of language connection made the sex even better, as often happens sex is the universal language, that is the common bond.

Although seeing many expats with local partners, the relationships often ended when they realised there was not much beyond the sex and the reality of lack of communication and cultural differences hit home.

We didnt seem to have that problem and contiued to have a strong connection and love towards each other.

Although we are probably as guilty as others in getting a bit lazy in continuing to keep the spark and variety in the sex life and its something we need to work on, however we do find also the language barrier is becoming an issue now that the initial sexual spark has worn through, like with most couples and its time now to really work on it.

 

[PBear]

Actually in the beginning the lack of language connection made the sex even better, as often happens sex is the universal language, that is the common bond.

Although seeing many expats with local partners, the relationships often ended when they realised there was not much beyond the sex and the reality of lack of communication and cultural differences hit home.

We didnt seem to have that problem and contiued to have a strong connection and love towards each other.

Although we are probably as guilty as others in getting a bit lazy in continuing to keep the spark and variety in the sex life and its something we need to work on, however we do find also the language barrier is becoming an issue now that the initial sexual spark has worn through, like with most couples and its time now to really work on it.

I was gone to post on this, and my thoughts were related to this post... How do you communicate on other issues, like politics, feelings, family, etc? Those things are harder to communicate about, as they can't be made up with a touch or a boink.

C

 

[Michael A. Brown]

You should find ways on how you could fix this thing. This will surely going to affect your relationship later on.

 

[EuroAussie]

I was gone to post on this, and my thoughts were related to this post... How do you communicate on other issues, like politics, feelings, family, etc? Those things are harder to communicate about, as they can't be made up with a touch or a boink.

C

We can discuss those things, and do. But we dont discuss them at a deep level, its more like I or she might have a point of view and we quickly get to a conclusion, rather than have a long debate.

I would say our communication is more on a functional than a deep level, which is highly frustrating as its against our normal nature of communicating on a deeper level in our native language.

 

[coupdegrace]

I'm African-American and my wife of 3 years is Asian. We've been together for 12 years. As far as sex goes, there are no barriers. It's as easy as Insert Tab A into Slot B. We both know what each other wants and satisfy those desires accordingly. My wife isn't a native English speaker, but we both love oral (I'm still trying to get anal) and we both love coitus and we can communicate efficiently enough to get our points across.

The only issue we've ever had (and this really isn't an issue) is when we watch tv or go to comedy shows where old pop culture references are made. Since she wasn't living in America prior to 1995, all those references go over her head, and some are difficult to explain. For instance, it's hard to explain why "Where's the beef?" is funny.

 

[moco82]

Poets and quants... Whichever of the two parties is better at picking up languages, or speech in general, needs to put in the effort. There are people who were simply not born to be eloquent even in their mother tongue. It may seem intuitive that your GF would make the effort, since she's already upper-intermediate, but it may just be that the thoughts in her head don't transform into expressive language in any tongue. If you're more linguistically astute, it may be worthwhile for you to learn the language of the host country.

I've lived in several places and dated women from different backgrounds. Some can be extremely intelligent, and manifest it in other areas of life (math, their profession, simply common sense), but just never be able to put all their thoughts in a coherent and digestible manner in text, let alone in impromptu speech.