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Sex amnesia?

2211 Views 10 Replies 7 Participants Last post by  greg54, 
I
My husband and I have been married going on 10 years. We average 2 to 3 times per week - (except during that time of the month, when I do not want to do anything -he is a real crab that week and kinda mean to me - like I can help it) He is constantly complaining that he NEVER gets laid its so bad that sometimes I will keep tabs on a calendar and show him how often he is getting some kind of activity. Sometimes he even makes comments that he is going to have to start looking elsewhere!? What the!.............it really ticks me off and it is a huge turn off. Its not like he is Mr Romance, he never tells me that I am pretty or that I look nice and the last time we went out without the kids (we have 2, the youngest is 17 months) was almost a year ago. I get no affection what so ever during the day, no hugs, no kisses and he never tells me he loves me and yet the minute we got to bed I am supposed to be ready to go!!!! It's getting to a point where it feels like a chore but I know if I don't do it he'll just get verbally mean or cheat. Is 2 to 3 times per week really low for being married 10 years (both in our 40's) How can I bring back the spark?
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J
It's not sexual amnesia. Just because 2-3 times a week is satisfying to you does not mean it's satisfying to him. Don't assume your definition of enough is your husband's definition of enough. Marking the days on the calendar and reminding him of them won't magically make his appetite for more sex disappear.

It sounds like you need to have a serious, real conversation about the lack of romance on your husband's part. Also seek marital counseling, because honestly the man sounds emotionally abusive based off the description given.

Seems like getting back the "spark" is the least of your concerns unfortunately.
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C
2 to 3 times per week is average to high.

The Kinsey Institute - Sexuality Information Links - FAQ [Related Resources]

For some posters on here it's about as often as they get sex per year.

From his less than romantic/sensual behavior it sounds like you may be on your way to bitterness, resentment and anger issues.

It could be that you have some of these feelings already ( ? ) You are feeling pressured into having sex due to his mean and abuse behavior if you refuse. Have you spoken to him about your need for romantic behavior before going to bed?
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CanadianGuy said:
2 to 3 times per week is average to high.

The Kinsey Institute - Sexuality Information Links - FAQ [Related Resources]

For some posters on here it's about as often as they get sex per year.
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Yes, but does her husband care? I mean, lets be honest, her husband isn't going to magically start wanting less sex just because he's getting it more than most.

There are just some people who need it more. Sounds like her hubby falls into this category. He's not going to be satisfied with twice a week no matter how happy that would make the average TAMer, or his wife.
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T
Reminds me of the movie Annie Hall:

Alvy Singer's Therapist: How often do you sleep together?
Annie Hall's Therapist: Do you have sex often?
Alvy Singer: [lamenting] Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
Annie Hall: [annoyed] Constantly. I'd say three times a week.

As for what to do, talk to him. Point out the 2-3 times per week, then ask him, without judging, what does he want and expect. Figure out if it is something you want and/or could live with, and what he can do to get you in the mood. Talk it out.
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Chris Taylor
FrenchFry said:
a) Do not do the calender thing. It creates a tit for tat atmosphere that is one of those death knells of a relationship. I say this from experience, I was just as frustrated because my husband pulled the same whining crap. Just don't unless you are cool with walking away.
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I had just the opposite experience. My therapist suggested I keep track since my wife and my perception of frequency in my marriage was hugely different.

At one point we discussed the last time we had sex, my wife was sure it was two weeks ago. It was actually six weeks ago.

No, it doesn't help if your need isn't what everyone else's averages but it is useful .
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J
olisavictor said:
Having 2-3 sex on the average is fairly okay, but since your husband is not satisfied by that standard, you should find a way round it, try to be romantic with your husband, you could get the best out of him. If he is not romantic then you can set the ball rolling by being romantic. tell him how much you love him and you will see the spark in him.

visit INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE for more on how to create good atmosphere for sex in marriage
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A bit tough to get romantic while you're being emotionally abused.
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TCSRedhead
Ok, so some direct conversation is needed here. Your needs are being met and clearly neither are his. You need to find out what he considers to be the right amount of sex and affection and then explain to him what you need from the marriage.

For instance, if you're having sex just to keep him from cheating, it's possible it's not very enjoyable. Nobody likes resentful or grudge sex.

If it doesn't improve once you both know what the other wants/needs, I would suggest marriage counseling or filing for divorce.
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I
It gets old when I feel like every session has to be a lengthy performance. Most nights we don't get to bed til 10:30 ish and then up by about 6:30 - It's like 5 minutes of foreplay and then he acts like I should be up for anything. Fine i'll up my game, but if he had better drop some of the alpha male bossy BS and show me some TLC because I can't keep going on like feeling like a door mat. Someone mentioned MC, I have already brought that up and he flatly refuses. So thinking about some IC for me just for a neutral opinion. I really don't want to divorce, our boys ADORE him and it would break their hearts.............hoping that this is 'the worse' that our vows spoke about.........because I think I can manage to get thru it........I hope
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TCSRedhead
IWBI1968 said:
It gets old when I feel like every session has to be a lengthy performance. Most nights we don't get to bed til 10:30 ish and then up by about 6:30 - It's like 5 minutes of foreplay and then he acts like I should be up for anything. Fine i'll up my game, but if he had better drop some of the alpha male bossy BS and show me some TLC because I can't keep going on like feeling like a door mat. Someone mentioned MC, I have already brought that up and he flatly refuses. So thinking about some IC for me just for a neutral opinion. I really don't want to divorce, our boys ADORE him and it would break their hearts.............hoping that this is 'the worse' that our vows spoke about.........because I think I can manage to get thru it........I hope
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I don't think that's what anyone is saying - have you talked to him about your needs and his needs to figure out where the disconnect is for both of you? That's the starting point.

IC is a good thing for you to help you learn about what is making you unhappy but communication is critical with your husband too.
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G
Have you considered that what he wants isn't frequency, but "quality"? It's easy for the sex to get boring when the same two people fall into the same routine. Maybe that's why he thinks he needs to look elsewhere? I'd try spicing things up - try new positions, new places, new times of day. Sneak in on him in the shower if you can, wake him up to it. Hey you can even get really adventurous and park the car somewhere secluded at night! I bet he'd really enjoy that, and he might not be the only one.
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