Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 24 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
314 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I was abused as a teenager by a family friend He raped me repeatedly and used weapons to scare me into submission. It worked for awhile but over a decade later i ended up telling my family. They didnt believe me and said if anything happened, i would have caused it because i wanted attention. My parents basically severed ties with me. My dad passed away and we never really got on good terms. So I tried to repair my relationship with my Mom. I pleaded for her to stay in my life because I loved her regardless of the pain she caused me.

Well my mom and I hadn't spoken about the "family friend/rapist" in a long long time. Then out of the blue she called me and told me she ran into him at church. And she said they chatted about how things were in his life and she wanted to make sure to tell me that he asked about me and said "hi" and how happy he was for me in my life successes.

I immediately started crying and told her that I was stunned that she talked to him like nothing had happened and that she even told ME about it?

She said she won't ignore people or be mean to them and I should learn to forgive.

I haven't spoken to her since and its breaking my heart. It is so hurtful!

Should I keep her in my life after this?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,461 Posts
Omgosh... I totally get how betrayed you feel...

I am not sure that I, personally, would do all the heavy lifting to keep this kind of relationship. Family therapy or no-go. She has to understand how much of a slap in the face this was/is to you.

Her saying she's not going to be "mean" or ignore people - even someone who abused her daughter, speaks volumes IMO.

I am so sorry for what happened to you in the past (I was also sexually abused), I can't imagine what it would be like going through this current situation.

((HUGS))
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,408 Posts
I really dont know. If it were me I would probably have one last talk with her and have her make the choice. I cant understand why they dont believe you! :(

Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
166 Posts
I am sooo sorry hun and am giving U BIG HUGZ!!! I would cut her out of my life in a second...that is complete and total lack of respect as well as emotional abuse....I am SO sorry...but I hope you have people in your life that you can talk to about this? People that respect and love U?

I lost my parents early. I have had a few "moms" in my life that I will never forget...they loved me, understood me, listened to me, etc. I hope you have that.

A good therapist will help you sort thru this...so VERY OK to close the door on your life with her...so sorry...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,079 Posts
I was abused as a teenager by a family friend He raped me repeatedly and used weapons to scare me into submission. It worked for awhile but over a decade later i ended up telling my family. They didnt believe me and said if anything happened, i would have caused it because i wanted attention. My parents basically severed ties with me. My dad passed away and we never really got on good terms. So I tried to repair my relationship with my Mom. I pleaded for her to stay in my life because I loved her regardless of the pain she caused me.

Well my mom and I hadn't spoken about the "family friend/rapist" in a long long time. Then out of the blue she called me and told me she ran into him at church. And she said they chatted about how things were in his life and she wanted to make sure to tell me that he asked about me and said "hi" and how happy he was for me in my life successes.

I immediately started crying and told her that I was stunned that she talked to him like nothing had happened and that she even told ME about it?

She said she won't ignore people or be mean to them and I should learn to forgive.

I haven't spoken to her since and its breaking my heart. It is so hurtful!

Should I keep her in my life after this?
Posted via Mobile Device
I would say, "Mom, you betrayed me and have not taken these violations to your own daughter seriously. You have put my abuser's feelings before mine and I cannot look past this. I am your daughter, your flesh and blood. I do not understand how you can ignore what happened to me." and I would let her know you are going your own seperate way.

Just because she is your mom, does not make her a better person. Parents are people, through and through. And even being family members, sometimes you have to let them go because they only cause pain.

If somebody hurts someone close to me, a family member, my kids, my friends, I stay on the person who is close to me's side. The abuser can kiss my a$$. This is how it should be with your mother but it isn't. The only thing you can do is speak your piece and be done with it. Your mother will have to digest what you say and deal with it on her own. She may come around, she may not. What you do with your life is your choice from here on out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,888 Posts
I never told my parents nor will I ever tell them now. It's not that they wouldn't believe me, it's that they'd tell the whole world. I don't want them to know.

I can tell you online since you don't know me. It happened at an early age, before my teens. It went on for a few years then they moved(it was a neighbor boy). He would threaten me too, but not with weapons.

Somehow I can completely block it out and the only triggers I have are posts readings about others in my situation. By coming here and talking with others I realized it was important for my husband to know. My husband is the only one IRL that I can trust. He was very angry at the person who did this, but I have pretty much healed from it on my own many years ago. It took my husband a few weeks to finally stop talking about it. He wanted me to tell my parents, but I do not trust them. My husband is a really gentle and kind man. He never expects or demands anything from me. I wouldn't want to live life without him.

I'm so sorry you were betrayed in that way. I do not have the best relationship with my mother either. Every time we talk she is criticizing me about something or making up crazy accusations that are not true. I'm pretty much fed up with it and I only visit them a couple times a year(holidays). They live near by. I'd much rather stay home with my own family and continue making happy memories.

This is such a traumatic event that most people need help(therapy) to heal from if they ever can. I've had some really bad experiences in my life and I'm glad it's all in the past. I'm so very sorry this has happened to you and I do hope you can heal from it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
299 Posts
That's awful, I'm sorry. Are you in counseling/support groups?

And you answer your question, you don't HAVE to keep ANYONE in your life. Its your life, you populate it with people who can best serve your interests/help your development as a person. Selfish? Maybe, but thems the breaks.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
314 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Thank you so much to the posters for sharing their own stories. This kind of abuse is difficult. I too blocked it out for a long time, but therapy helped me overcome the guilt and the blame I placed on myself and the blame my parents placed on me.

I have a therapist now and I told him about this last night. He seemed to think my Mom isn't mentally "ok". It is true that she truly lives in her own bubble and it's filled with denial. That is the thing ... My Mom is just "off". I don't think she did this to intentionally hurt me... I think she is just THAT ignorant and out of touch with anyone's feelings but her own.

So I feel it's time to say goodbye to them, unfortunately. The problem is my son adores her. We live out of state so I may have to continue visiting on holidays etc... For my son. It's just an awful place to be.

That's awful, I'm sorry. Are you in counseling/support groups?

And you answer your question, you don't HAVE to keep ANYONE in your life. Its your life, you populate it with people who can best serve your interests/help your development as a person. Selfish? Maybe, but thems the breaks.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,079 Posts
Thank you so much to the posters for sharing their own stories. This kind of abuse is difficult. I too blocked it out for a long time, but therapy helped me overcome the guilt and the blame I placed on myself and the blame my parents placed on me.

I have a therapist now and I told him about this last night. He seemed to think my Mom isn't mentally "ok". It is true that she truly lives in her own bubble and it's filled with denial. That is the thing ... My Mom is just "off". I don't think she did this to intentionally hurt me... I think she is just THAT ignorant and out of touch with anyone's feelings but her own.

So I feel it's time to say goodbye to them, unfortunately. The problem is my son adores her. We live out of state so I may have to continue visiting on holidays etc... For my son. It's just an awful place to be.


Posted via Mobile Device
I'm sorry you are going through this. Keep going to therapy. You will get through it.

I went through this too...and my parents never found out. There already was a whole horrible dynamic between my parents and they suffered so much pain dealing with each other, I just never had the heart to bring it up. But I did tell my sister about it and she hurt me by still being all loving and adoring toward my abuser almost like I had said nothing at all to her. Sometimes the people don't want to believe those things because they liked the abuser initially and so they do a sort of denial thing. I still feel betrayed by her though for that. We aren't as close as we could be just for that reason.

Unfortunately, you have to go into survival mode and think about yourself. Good luck and PM me if you need to talk!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
First and foremost, I am sorry for all the pain others have caused you.

I do think that if you haven't tried any IC over the years to deal with this trauma you should.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
314 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
Well I wrote an email to my mother telling her that her actions and words hurt me deeply. I told her that I can only see it from my point of view and I would never do that to my own son. I asked her again why she felt she needed to tell me. It was deep and honest.

My husband read the email tonight and chastised me and said I just destroyed my mother by writing that email and I clearly just put the last nail in the coffin. I now feel just horrid. Did I make a mistake or is my husband being a unsupportive jerk???

I am a wreck.



First and foremost, I am sorry for all the pain others have caused you.

I do think that if you haven't tried any IC over the years to deal with this trauma you should.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
I'm so sorry to hear about your horrible experience. If you think it would be best for your mental health to not be involved with her then do so.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
314 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
Why would my husband cause me further grief? Am I projecting or a
I correct to be livid with him concerning his effort to make me feel horrible about standing up to her..
I'm so sorry to hear about your horrible experience. If you think it would be best for your mental health to not be involved with her then do so.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
I wasn't referring to your husband. I meant that if you feel that keeping your mother out of your life is best for your own mental health then do so.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
314 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
I know. But I was wondering if my husbands judgement of my email was normal?


I wasn't referring to your husband. I meant that if you feel that keeping your mother out of your life is best for your own mental health then do so.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
I think in your case your husband should be supportive as possible. It's not like it's his mother. He wasn't the one who went through the traumatic experience. He should respect your wishes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,079 Posts
Well I wrote an email to my mother telling her that her actions and words hurt me deeply. I told her that I can only see it from my point of view and I would never do that to my own son. I asked her again why she felt she needed to tell me. It was deep and honest.

My husband read the email tonight and chastised me and said I just destroyed my mother by writing that email and I clearly just put the last nail in the coffin. I now feel just horrid. Did I make a mistake or is my husband being a unsupportive jerk???

I am a wreck.




Posted via Mobile Device
Your husband is being an unsupportive jerk. Don't worry, from mine I got "Everybody's been through sh!t...get over it!" Some men are just dense and don't have feelings.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,079 Posts
Your husband just doesn't want to deal with the problems so he's mad at you (even though you are in the right and have every right to do as you did). He'll get over it. Tell him he's being an unsupportive jerk and this isn't a game you are playing. You need your man to back you up. Tell him all that. He'll think it over.
 
1 - 20 of 24 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top