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We have been married for 2 months. Together for three years. We are a blended family. I have three small children he has three teenage children, I have full custody, he has full custody. We both work full time. He's an attorney, I'm customer service rep for a print company.

Now, we honestly have sex 2-4 times a week on average, never less then twice (even on the rag) and spurts of sex every day during my sex drive's peak. We had sex what is now three nights ago. Yesterday (Friday) I was awake for 20 hours and just wanted to go to bed. He flipped, started saying hurt full things. Need I remind you we just had sex Wednesday night. The week prior I gave him two blow jobs a couple days apart in exchanged for him coming home from work early to help out around the house instead of popping in right when dinner is being put on the table.

We used to have sex even more, but frankly I'm tired. I feel like I'm putting myself out there for him even though half the time I don't want to have sex at all. I'm starting to feel like a sex slave.

LAST NIGHT
Last night when I said, lets just have sex in the morning I'm tired. He started criticizing me, stomping around. Then we were both in bed and he wouldn't shut up about it. I told him if keeps talking I was going to go sleep in a different room. Less then a minute passed and he says, "Oh boy, I'm sure glad I bought you all those sex toys". I without saying anything got up, walked out of the room and slept in my daughters room (who are all at their dad's this weekend). Then in the AM, he comes down to the room I was in and asks me what my plan is for the day. He can't sleep, his tone is harsh and mean. He is still clearly upset about not having sex last night. I said do what you want to do. He stomps back to bed. I try to sleep a little, get up a half hour later to take a shower. I enter our room and tell him I'm going to take a shower now. Then he starts *****ing AGAIN. "Oh sex in the morning, Yeah Right! Good idea. This is why I get mad when you say sex in the morning" (forget the fact we had sex a week ago in the morning, morning sex does happen for him and he is claiming it doesn't) AND forget the fact he was a total ******* just 8 hours ago. I was hoping for an apology this morning but he is deciding to stick to it. I ignore his false ranting and go in the master bath, he follows me in to start telling me what a bad lover. He starts deliberately making me feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with him. He reminds me of how terrible my life was before I met him. And how much better I have it now (financially basically) as leverage for his sex needs. This ends up with me in tears and/or raging. He breaks me down, I scream and tell him to leave me alone and he just continues to verbally harass me. I'm screaming for him to leave the bathroom and leave me alone so I can take a shower. I'm trying to close the door on him and he keeps saying stupid **** like why don't you get back together with your ex (who I nearly hate with a passion and he knows it). I eventually BREAK and throw something or break something. Which he is well aware I reach this point. I wonder if this is his goal sometimes. He isn't satisfied till I'm crying or I throw something. So when he was ignoring my demands to leave the room and continued saying stupid **** I lost control. I turned around and punched the bathroom wall as hard as I could and hit the stud instead of my fist going through. I immediately started crying because I was emotionally hurt and now in a ton of physical pain. He responds with, why don't you go take karate. I'm in the midst of crying hard and in pain and he then decides he's had enough and leaves the room. I got in the shower, cried the entire time. Got out and he was no longer around. I put an icepack on and sat on the couch wondering what I should do. Go to my parents, go shopping just to get out of the house, but be miserable the entire time. Not to mention I could barely button my pants. I then decided to look online to see if there are other women in similar situations so I could have him read their excerpts and hear it from someone else and prove to him what a colossal **** he is. Did I mention it is killing me to type right now due to the swollen hand... I have a pain all the way up my arm. It may be broken. NOW I look like the crazy one. He corners me and just doesn't back off despite my pleas to go away. It always ends with me crying hysterically or breaking something. I don't think I'm nuts, he makes me feel like a caged animal when he won't back off. The other interesting thing is, the BIG blow outs are always on the off weekends from the kids (they go to their dad's every other weekend) So he has control of this **** and just lets loose when they're gone. Here is the messed up thing about me. I can't hold a grudge even when I try. I will tell myself I'm going to go a straight week without giving him sex, see how he likes me then. I can't make it three days. Eventually I just come around and get back into the kids, work and house routine and can manage to forget it. By Tuesday we will probably be having sex. What is wrong with me??? Maybe I am crazy. I'm so upset right now. We have hurdles every day with our jobs, our kids, our lives that my husband and I can work through together nearly effortlessly. We see things very similarly most the time. Our BIGGEST relationship issue is the sex lack of existing abundant sex. A total Brain F#@! if you ask me. He never NEVER breaks me down and makes me cry over any other issue. Never has. It always revolves around sex. He doesn't even know it half the time. Immediately after sex, he is a sweet loving guy, by day three he is the devil. So I have just learned to give him what he needs and it is ruining my sexual desire. I look at him like he's this sex monster when we're in the midst of these fights. Yet when the water calms, I can go about the day like nothing happened. I make the choice. I don't know what to do. These sex battles are about once a month. But little quarrels weekly about sex, which I just give in and let him have me. We have what I call good sex once a week and the rest is just me trying to appease him.
 

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Will you marry me???

Seriously, with all those kids in the house it amazes me you two find the time for sex!!

Sounds like he is gotten too used to having sex whenever he wants because you just give in and want the nice sweet guy he is afterwards. He knows this, and acts out when he does not get it. Then after acting out, he gets sex. I would suggest not having sex with him if he stomps around. Tell him that, say I am not having sex with you if you act like a child. Might take a while to do this. He is just too used to getting his way.
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Wow, I would never want to have sex with someone who behaved that way with me.

I'm sorry; I don't have any good advice.

Was he always like this? Or did something change after marriage? He seems childish in his anger about not getting what he wants when he wants it. And he seems insecure about your ex - that's why he keeps throwing that in your face.
 

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The sexual dynamics in a relationship very often reflect the dynamics of the relationship itself.

And these dynamics do not seem good.

At all.

Do you feel "lorded over" because he has more money than you?

Do you feel that to some extent you are always obliged to pay him with sex?

(note: this sort of relationship is nothing new...and not even unworkable...its just that in your case, you don't seem to have much power at all in this marriage)

Really....the power should be a "give and take" thing between partners

I don't know what to say...I would find his petulant behavior sexually repulsive...

And I don't imagine this marriage will last all that long if the dynamics here don't change

Maybe you should go to your parents house

Maybe you should consider what your options and resources are without him

For sure, you need to stop losing control and banging into things when he frustrates you....as you yourself said...he enjoys it... so you're just playing into his hand

I'm sorry, I hope it gets better
 

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Why did you marry him 2 months ago?

You had 3 yrs. to know how he feels about sex so not sure why it's an issue for you now?

Just trying to understand why you would marry such an abusive person.
 

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IndiaInk is right, dont let him get to you because then he wins even when you dont give him the sex he upset you. its one or the other if you dont let it get to you and you learn to try and avoid sex when he acts like this maybe just maybe he will man up and give you a break. when your in the mood when trying to avoid sex just think of him acting like a baby crying and rolling around in a diaper that should turn you off lol, that is what he is doing! with all those kids i dont blame you! and its not healthy to see him as a sex monster...you should not have to give in just because you wanting to avoid conflict, if you keep just having sex just to avoid issues rather than for enjoyment your sex life will get worse and harder for you. he wants to be satisifed but what about you?? if he really thinks arguing with you and pushing you to the limit lets him have the sex he wants rather than trying to put his wife in the mood is a good idea then good luck... dont we all have our moments that we dont want to be touched but if our husbands play the right moves even in the dullest moments we can get in the mood?? and instead he wants to act like a baby rather than to please his wife....sounds like to me he doesnt care about how you feel during sex just as long as he gets some.
 

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Discussion Starter #7 (Edited)
Thanks for all the responses to this post. It was nice to hear feedback. I don't talk to anyone about this stuff and certainly don't talk to others about their sex lives. I'm going to print this whole thread out and read it once a day so I can stick to my guns and not let myself give into him for a while. He can get reacquainted with his hand as far as I'm concerned.

Answers to questions
I would say he has been like this the last two years but it has built up to this. It seems to go a step further each time. And yes, this has definitely killed my sex drive. I still hit my peak every month but I would say overall I'm getting less and less pleasure out of it. It has turned into just keeping him happy. And then he complains that the quality is lacking now too and he knows why but won't admit it to himself.
Yes I do feel "lorded" by him. He would completely disagree with this statement. I'm not a push over type even though it may sound that way. I can put up a pretty good fight. People that know me would say I'm stubborn and not exactly a peach, but i'm tired. He wore me down. And yes he makes about 4 times what I make and he isn't afraid to remind me of it in the middle of these sex fights. I still contribute financially too though. I pay for all the food, clothes, and daycare out of my earnings and he pays for all the big ticket items. Then whatever we have left in our accounts at the end of each month is invested and saved. I can't contribute any more then I am, yet he still waives the money card in my face because now I have lot of nice things I wouldn't otherwise be able to have.

Anyway, in response to Emerald, Why did I marry him, I'm an idiot! No, I guess I married him because other then ANYTHING related to sex, he is a good guy. Making me cry and freaking out is completely out of his nature (other then this massive sex issue). I think that's why I manage to get over it so quickly. Day to day, as long has he's getting it, he's great! He's helpful. He's funny. We play off each other. He is great with my kids, he is great with his kids. He is an excellent "provider" I'm kind of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal and he is very structured and provides structure for our family unit. So we balance each other out there. He is probably too structured and I'm agreeably too relaxed. His three daughters choose to be with him over their own mother and trust me he isn't because he is Disney Dad or a walk in the park. He is definitely the man in charge of the household and everybody knows it. But for the most part (other then sex) he is very reasonable, weighs out pros and cons, considers all options, analyzes everything but definitely makes the final call on everything. I actually admire this about him. Not to get biblical, but I would agree in most cases he knows best and I will go along with him even though I may disagree with him. Most of the time I agree with him so it doesn't bother me. All I'm trying to say, is everyone one who knows him would say what a great guy he is. Many including his family would be shocked to know this was going on behind our closed bedroom door. AND he used to be the guy that would bring me coffee in bed in the morning, buy me random little stupid gifts, let me think I'm getting my way with little things that are not in best judgment.

BACK TO THE ISSUE my typing gets away from me sometimes.
If the current situation carries on like this, we are surely facing impending doom. I just have to think because everything else about him is good, we can fix this. Its like his brain quits thinking and processing and he switches gears and starts thinking rationalizing with one thing only. This is the part Im trying to create a solution to. Other then holding out for a week so he can appreciate what he has had so far, I don't know what the permanent solution is to this??? How can I get him to see what a **** he is being? He agrees that he takes it way too far and acts poorly. It always takes him a day or two to come around. He would also agree the way he is treating me is terrible and unfair, once the dust has settled. BUT somehow even after all our communication regarding the matter, we end up right back in this stupid whirl wind of chaos that makes no sense. AND he repeats his bad behavior, throws his commitments to trying harder to the side. I'm so sick of this, we are stuck in a downward spiral. I want a night or two off from sex, he starts thinking of anything he possibly can to make an argument, I get upset because I know it is directly related to not having sex, I end up yelling at him to quit talking, tell him to just go to sleep or go take care of himself, he continues to verbally batter me, I end up sleeping somewhere else in the house just to get away from him. Then I tell the kids he was moving around too much, or snoring or whatever. The next day, he apologizes, we talk about how ridiculous it was, he agrees, he makes it up to me by being overly nice, then my dumb ass gets in the mood just because he is being nice to me!?! after he was complete ass to me. Then things are good for a while, and then occasionally, the little tit tat, sleeping in another room and fighting carries on into the morning the next day like it did today, and it gets out of hand. Tomorrow he will agree he was terrible, he will tell me he doesn't know what gets into him, then he will say he is going to try harder, and oh, well, about a month later I'm going to be in a similar situation as I was today. What do I do???
 

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"The week prior I gave him two blow jobs a couple days apart in exchanged for him coming home from work early to help out around the house instead of popping in right when dinner is being put on the table. "

Sorry I struggled to read your posts without there being paragraphs or spaces but the above quote stuck out for me.

Exchanging BJs for help around the house seems really dysfunctional. Why not suggest you get a cleaner or house keeper, you have a heap of kids, both work and he expects you to be ready for sex all the time.

He sounds very immature.
 

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Actually your paragraph about what traits you find attractive in him is quite helpful...and I don't blame you. Those are definitely the traits women are attracted to naturally (Lead, Protect, Provide---those are the big three)

It's just too bad it gets so awful when he's sexually denied


Is there something useful you know from his past marriage that would illuminate this behavior somewhat? Did she deny him a lot or something?

But regardless of whatever the answer to that is...the most important thing (for me) is that he can't start the "how good you have it now that you're with him and all the stuff he buys you" routine when he doesn't get his way sexually...that's just completely unacceptable.

I think you need to tell him that.

And then, the second he brings it up again in another fight...you just completely shut down, IGNORE HIM, disengage, turn to ice and walk away, sleep in your kids room or whatever...basically, your entire demeanor needs to change instantaneously...so that he knows he's tripped your wire ...because that's the only way I think he might finally learn that that's an absolutely FORBIDDEN ARGUMENT to USE

Your own self-respect cannot allow that to continue.

Just morally, He is not a BETTER or more WORTHY person than you because he makes 4x as much $$...that implication just infuriates me.

(And like I said, I accept that to some extent men can be "rewarded with sex" for all they bring to a marriage (and there's nothing wrong (or unnatural) with that...i mean lets be real: cavemen were rewarded with sex...it's been a part of men/women dynamics from the beginning and that's not gonna change anytime soon)...but the key is: that's gotta be a subtle dynamic...you may engage from a sense of "happy" obligation but you can't be made to feel like his high-dollar wh*re...nothing will kill your natural sexual attraction to him quicker than that argument)

Also, Ditto what Holland said...I caught that BJ thing too...and I meant to mention it...from how you describe it, this is quickly becoming the currency you spend in the marriage...the way you pay him to wear his "good and attentive husband" hat...that's not good...mainly because it won't last...and I'm sure, if just for your kids sake, you want to create a stable dynamic

You can go on like this for awhile...as your soul slowly dies, and you finally reach your breaking point.


So anyway...


I guess I'm suggesting that you:

Have a talk about this (and maybe you've already had many...idk) but lay it all on the line, tell him that he can never throw his money or the stuff he's bought you in your face again...you're not a prostitute...and you won't tolerate him implying that (which is all that argument does)

Then, in the future, when he forgets not to do this (which Im sure he will)...rather than letting him get you all worked up and crying and angry...you INSTANTLY "shut-down" completely and walk away the minute he starts reminding you of "your place" and "your role" in this marriage...really the INSTANT timing is very crucial
 

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He's abusive about sex. He shouldn't be allowed to get away with cracks about your ex and finances, regardless of the topic. Don't continue to live like this, tell him it STOPS or you walk. I assume he can control himself at work and with the kids, so he CAN control himself if he so chooses. He's a bully.
 

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I'm sorry if I'll come off as rude, but your husband is a passive agressive self-centered insecure man. At least when it comes to sex.
He clearly isn't understanding that if you're not in the mood for sex, it has to do with how you see him. That's how the guilt trip starts. You don't see me attractive after all the things I do for you.

Before it all gets weird and complicated, ask him to calm the eff down and listen. I don't know why I feel that he won't understand because usually these types of behavior makes the person tightly gripped to his false beliefs.

Be more firm, and don't give in to the guilt. He will most probably keep criticizing and blaming you but you must not flinch.
I hope your husband isn't the abusive type, but the silent treatment works great with passive agressives. Don't let him level up the debate after his taste, if you hear nonesense, don't retaliate. Just try your best to be cool and wait until he'll finally be out of ammo and come back begging for forgiveness.
 

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.

Now, we honestly have sex 2-4 times a week on average, never less then twice (even on the rag) and spurts of sex every day during my sex drive's peak. We had sex what is now three nights ago. Yesterday (Friday) I was awake for 20 hours and just wanted to go to bed. He flipped, started saying hurt full things. Need I remind you we just had sex Wednesday night. The week prior I gave him two blow jobs a couple days apart in exchanged for him coming home from work early to help out around the house instead of popping in right when dinner is being put on the table.

.
Quite sometime I haven't heard that term!
Made me smile.
Anyway he sounds a bit domineering to me.
 

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OP, I don't think your relationship is quite as rosy as you make it out to be. You may rationalize it in your mind, but it's evident that your husband has issues. I don't think he's passive/aggressive - he's outright verbally abusive and manipulative. He knows he can work you up into a frenzy and make you feel like garbage plus experience huge amounts of rage. I think your husband is a first rate prick and deserves to have his ass beaten thoroughly. I'd be curious if he'd ever be so aggressive to other males or if he reserves this for the important women in his life.

I think it's horrible that he even uses sex as an exchange medium for him to help out around the house. That's pretty bad...
 

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He is behaving badly toward you for sure. Like a wounded and hurt animal he is lashing out.


How much sex per week would be enough for you? Have you told him the answer to that question?
 

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We used to have sex even more, but frankly I'm tired.
It seems like two issues to me. You are having less sex than in the past. And, he takes rejection extremely poorly and bullies and badgers you about it.

As for his behavior, you need to stand up for yourself. If he won't stop badgering you, then leave the house. Go back when he's calmed down. I know not letting him get to you is easier said than done, but try it.

As for the sex, why are you so tired now? Have you taken on new responsibilities? Although you are having an above average sexual frequency, I can understand if he's frustrated by a sudden drop in frequency. Are we only talking about early relationship infatuation that means sex instead of sleep and now you're settling down into something more realistic? Or did you have one frequency for three years and you've slowed after the wedding?

Good luck.
 

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This may be way out in left field, but.....

You said he always comes around, apologies and admits how ridiculous or over the top he was. If that is true, next time he comes around and admits it, have him write it out on paper, preferably the whole thing from what started it to how he behaved to now how he wants to apologize. I know it kinda sounds like having the child write 100 times on the blackboard, but...next time he starts up again, give him his own writing to read.

I know, its a long shot.
 

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As an attorney i must say it can be one of the most stressful unhappy jobs you will ever have at least it is for most attorney's. However this is not an excuse for his behavior he is mean, controlling, among many other things. I could write an entire page on the things this man is and how his behavior is totally out of line.

You should leave he has huge character flaws and WILL NOT CHANGE EASILY or MAY NEVER CHANGE.

He is way too selfish he is always chasing things its destroying him and makes him unhappy because he does not get what he wants he wants to in turn make you feel less and destroy your happiness. He has issues and needs outside help or needs to come to terms with reality to solve his problems. Sadly the truth is he wont change easily and he is likely to continue hurting you badly.

I suggest you seriously talk to him about counseling or consider divorce.

Me personally if i was you i would get divorce papers ready and drop them on him. But perhaps that's just because of my background and seeing people for what they are and their actions.



I wish you best of luck. Also sex 2-4 times a week is not bad. AND he could get more sex probably if he was NICER, more caring and more attentive to your needs and helping around the house. You seem like a great woman and wife who is married to a incredibly selfish person and that is NOT good.

take care of yourself you only have 1 life and being happy is the thing so many miss out on. DO Not miss out
 

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I think the two of you are good candidates for marriage counseling/sex therapy. I would begin researching counselors in your area with credentials in both areas (MC and ST).

Have a calm, rational discussion with him within 24 hours of you two having had a positive sexual experience together, so he is more calm and relaxed. Ask him to go to counseling with you so you two can get beyond the constant battling over quantity and quality of sex. If he refuses to go, or drops the "we don't need counseling" response, plan to go without him, and begin making plans (i.e. call a divorce lawyer) to legally separate. This will likely get his attention after which you can suggest he go to counseling with you again.

You two need a neutral third party who is familiar with these issues and can help you better sort through your baggage, and reach a compromise you both can live with. I think it's your best chance.
 
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