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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
First of all, this is coming from a place of hurt. My hurt, and I'm still trying to process it and my thoughts and feelings. I've been with my spouse for over 20 years. We've had our good times and bad, but through it all, we had each other. We were best friends and in sync with each other and could pick up on the other's thoughts.

My hubby has a serious health condition that he's been dealing with while working full time when most people quit. According to his providers, working will help his emotional health, and we can't cover everything on my income alone. But his workplace environment is not a happy one because his manager won't take charge, so the inmates are running the asylum. He can't quit because we need the insurance, can't transfer because similar conditions exist within this region and there aren't many offices that can accommodate his special medical schedule. So it makes him depressed to be there.

The other morning, we started talking about his sleepless night. He said he was suffering from anxiety. Our children, lazy preteens, who have a hard time focusing on tasks at hand were one point of his stress. His job and going to his medical treatments were another point. I was his final point. I and my venting to him.

We've always been able to talk to each other about anything. We were always the other's sounding board. If he had a bad day at work he would either call me and talk about it or wait until he got home to talk about it. I would do the same. This allowed both of us to work out our frustrations and to have a shoulder to lean on. Since he told me that I am a source of his anxiety, I no longer feel that I can share anything with him. I've walled myself off emotionally from him because I feel extremely hurt and bothered. He was supposed to be my best friend, my ride or die!

I'm so wrapped up in my own hurt that I cannot feel any emotional connection with him besides annoyance. I spoke to him in the past about seeking professional help to deal with his depression and anxiety. But he has yet to find the help that he needs. Now I am afraid that this is going to tear our marriage apart.

I feel like I am shouldering all the blame, and that I can no longer talk about anything that is bothering me or going on in my life. I can't feel that connection anymore, and it scares the hell out of me. I don't want to touch him, kiss him, or share a bed with him. I don't want to be near him at all which will be harder since this is a three day weekend.

So what can I do? How do I let go of the pain inside of me and do my part to make our marriage work again? How do I go about reestablishing that connection that I severed? How do I feel again? I'm lost. :crying:
 

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OP:

I hear a lot of victim speak in your post...from both you and your husband.

A few examples:

1. Stuck in his job

2. Lazy teenage kids

3. Your husband hurt you with his revelation.

While this is understandable, let me show you a different spin:

1. Blessed to have his job due to insurance

2. Kids that are able to help

3. Your husband was honest with you

You have allowed your hurt to sever that connection...for him being honest. Let that sink in for a moment.

I am not suggesting that it is easy...my wife suffers from depression. If you let it, a depressed partner can suck the life from you. But you have the power to choose. Start by reading the below article. Encourage your husband to do the same.

https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/
 

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I don’t know how long this has been going on, but I suggest you breath and reach out like you’re doing

You say he has yet to find the help he needs. Could you encourage him more by suggesting instead the help y’all need? I pointed a finger at my husband for a long time and while sure he has/had problems, I was too blind to see what I could work on and how I can improve things. It’s too late now, but it was a learning experience that helped me grow and carry healthier emotions and reactions into my next chapter in life


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Is his condition potentially terminal in the short term?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
And I know it sounds like I'm acting the victim, but I'm trying hard to avoid victimhood. I just feel so emotionally tired. And we do count our blessings, and feel lucky to have them. Its just that after dealing with everyone else's stuff, I want to feel free to vent too and not be accused of being a source of frustration after having to be the problem solver for so long.

I miss being able to talk to him about anything. I'm looking for help on letting go. Should I try to approach him again about this?
 

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Husband, I'm hurt that I am a source of anxiety for you when I try to come to you and tell you about my day or my frustrations. This has resulted in me feeling resentful and disengaged emotionally from you. I do not want this to impact my feelings for you or the future of our relationship, so please get some help for your anxiety so that we can regain that emotional closeness that we need to keep our relationship healthy.

Or something to that effect. Good luck.
 
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