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Discussion Starter #1
My first question would be why would you stay?
If you have younger kids, I understand. But because you love her/him... Seriously, they sure didn't care about you while being in bed with another!

My second question would be how do you accept such an unacceptable betrayal? What can you possibly say to yourself to make it ok or get over it?

And finally, how do you deal with the triggers, the memories? To this day certain songs, movies, phrases, cars, whatever still take me back there! Maybe because it was ongoing and with a close friend who happens to have my same first name. Do you know how long it took for me to hear my name in bed and have my mind not go to him? It still happens...maybe it's just how my mind works?

My wife had a horrid affair 12 years ago. I have posted my story and said why I stayed and it was pretty good for the most part, but I've learned you can forgive, but you will never forget. There is also no justification or any way to ever be ok with it! Trust me, I've done it all...blamed myself and told myself she was manipulated by him (making her a victim)

The fact is, there is no excuse good enough...NONE!

When someone you are married to and have been faithful to takes off their clothes and has sex with someone else...it's over. They made their choice and it wasn't you. My "opinion" is if someone wants to have sex with another...FINE! Just make a decision to leave and move on...No doing 2 people at the same time...you can lie to yourself or tell yourself whatever you want, but the fact remains...they shared an intimate part of themselves with another while supposedly being "in love" with you, and nothing makes it ok...nothing!

Yes I tried to be alright with this for a lot of years and kept silent, but again..it never went away and was always lurking in the shadows. This kills me because I have an attractive wife and people regularly tell me - Your wife is so beautiful, sweet, cute, awesome..."whatever" on a regular basis..and she is. But then there's the side that has a bad temper and justifies her actions that they don't see. I end up lashing out in anger and I can see the hurt in her eyes. I never brought up the affair, but now that I have finally been honest with myself (and her), and I've come clean about how this has bothered me, it has gottten ugly. She has tried blaming everything and anything else and it's like we are strangers at times.

There's the women who told me she loved me while doing my best friend at the same time for God knows how long until they were caught! It really sucks because I believe she has been faithful ever since. I believe she was confused, and I believe she loves me and is sorry it ever happened, but it did, and it will always be there and the resentment grows. I have tried prayer, therapy, talking with her...and yes I have finally forgiven her, no more anger towards her, just sadness that it has to be over. I will not ever forget and I feel I must leave her. Our kids are grown up, I'm 53, and I have to start over - for me.
 

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Makes sense to me. You have a lot of life left.

But I don't think you actually ever forgave her. It's not a knock. It's just the way it sounds. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's how you feel. And you can't deny that so don't even try.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Makes sense to me. You have a lot of life left.
But I don't think you actually ever forgave her. It's not a knock. It's just the way it sounds. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's how you feel. And you can't deny that so don't even try.
I never brought it up in 12 years. Not even once! I should have, but I didn't want to hurt her and our original therapist said we needed to put it behind us and build new memories together...so we had a lot of good times, but it was always there and I silently suffered. Sex was never the same and not because she didn't want it... It was originally all about me getting her off. It became just like masturbation...just getting it over with and finishing and my head caused problems with my "head" at times..... I grew to hate it...

It all finally came out and once I got into therapy on my own, the tears flowed and I relived it all over again, only this time I had to face what really happened and stop lieing to myself. She came clean too about some pretty brutal admissions.. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through and it was like it just happened. If she'd have been there for me it might have been different, but she said "It happened a long time ago, I am no longer the same person and I'm sorry but I can't go back there". I said I've had to go back there too many times over the years and I don't have a choice!

She can just act like it never happened and be an amazing and supportive wife, but I can't act like it never happened...not anymore. It's finally out and it felt amazing to release it and be able to talk about it. As far as forgiving her... I believe I have, but not for her, for me. I had to release the anger and the hurt and it's out...I feel better. I just no longer feel the same towards her. I care, I even love, I just doesn't feel right anymore and it is sad, but it's reality. I feel bad and I just have to keep telling myself she didn't feel bad about me while she was doing my friend at his house, his girlfriends house (also her friend), and even in our own house (but not our bed)... So I have forgiven...but that doesn't make what happened ok, it just allows me to move on and not carry the hate and anger!

I don't know if that makes sense but 9 months of therapy has helped.. and I'm ok
 

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I have to agree with walkonmars, here - I don't think you ever really forgave her. Which is fine, that is your right.

However, in my opinion - I don't think infidelity is the absolute worse thing that someone can do to their partner. Yes, it hurts, and yes there is pain, and "God, how could they have been so selfish?!" But, I think the worst possible thing someone can do to their spouse is to give up on them. Not in the sense of leaving them after their affair - by all means, if that helps you cope, DO IT. But, I mean, in the sense that you forget who you know they really are - even if their actions don't prove it.

I may be too sentimental or mildly delusional, but that is my opinion.


You can read my blog at: My Journey of Self Discovery: Introduction.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I have to agree with walkonmars, here - I don't think you ever really forgave her. Which is fine, that is your right.

However, in my opinion - I don't think infidelity is the absolute worse thing that someone can do to their partner. Yes, it hurts, and yes there is pain, and "God, how could they have been so selfish?!" But, I think the worst possible thing someone can do to their spouse is to give up on them. Not in the sense of leaving them after their affair - by all means, if that helps you cope, DO IT. But, I mean, in the sense that you forget who you know they really are - even if their actions don't prove it.

I may be too sentimental or mildly delusional, but that is my opinion.


You can read my blog at: My Journey of Self Discovery: Introduction.
Sorry... I finally took my rose colored glasses off.
I believe that as soon as your spouse breaks their marital vows and lets another man stick his d*$k inside her (and not just once - but ongoing) especially while doing you at the same time and saying she loves you that she has already given up on you! Yeah later on when she realizes what she's losing she might change her mind but the damage is done! If she was capable of this level of deceit once, plus you have caught her in other non-related lies... but that's probably just selfish me?

And forgetting who they "really are"? Really? lol...It turns out that sometimes you don't know who they really are. I want to believe that she loves me and could never do this again, except she was so good at her lies that this went on right under my nose for months (maybe a year or more?) So yes, we've had a lot of good times and good years...but times were good then, some of the best times we ever had, and this happened without me knowing so if she was capable then, how can I ever really know now?
 

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...our original therapist said we needed to put it behind us and build new memories together...
Worst advice ever. That's why many on these boards caution about going to a MC that is not schooled and experienced in infidelity. So this idiot's basic advice was to rugsweep the affair until it festered enough to get into the marriage's bloodstream and poison the whole relationship.

Not your fault. I believe it's better to see NO MC than an incompetent one. It's an industry and there are too many hanging up a shingle with no qualm about parceling out poor or even harmful advice.

I take back what I said about forgiveness. It looks like you have a good handle on that. So, did you say you are absolutely moving on or are you just contemplating it?

If you move on, are you amenable to dating your now wife sometime in the future or are all bets off?
 

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I am with my husband, he cheated in 2009-10, I caught him, I kicked him out, we're reconciling. You can read my story thru the link in my sig if you like.

Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart.
 

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You never dealt with it, it all got rugsweeped. Now she doesn't want to deal as it's all in the past... for her.
She realizes her affair permeated everything, the whole marriage since then. If she's honest with herself she knows she destroyed you, she changed you, she got an ally to put it all under the carpet and she was glad back then.
Now... maybe she wishes you guys deal with it in a different way back then but she rejects going there anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I am with my husband, he cheated in 2009-10, I caught him, I kicked him out, we're reconciling. You can read my story thru the link in my sig if you like.

Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart.
Trust me I KNOW! My wife's affair was in 1999/2000 and we have been together all these years. I just don't think I want to live the rest of my life knowing the person I'm with was capable of this type of deceit and betrayal. I believe it's a character issue. If you want to be with someone else, just leave!
 

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My first question would be why would you stay?
If you have younger kids, I understand. But because you love her/him... Seriously, they sure didn't care about you while being in bed with another!
She didn't care about the kids either, while she was screwing POSOM
 

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its a very hard thing to do , bit if for one instant i thought i would feel like you do 10 years from now i would walk away from my hubby and that would be it.
i know that only after 2 years from his confession of EA it is a battle but you have to get it all out, not just pretend it didnt happen or otherwise it will eat you up///
and it sounds like it has done that

it was very bad advice to say.. lets pretend this didnt happen ?!
you have to deal with it before you can start to move on

good luck
 
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Discussion Starter #12 (Edited)
Worst advice ever. That's why many on these boards caution about going to a MC that is not schooled and experienced in infidelity. So this idiot's basic advice was to rugsweep the affair until it festered enough to get into the marriage's bloodstream and poison the whole relationship.

Not your fault. I believe it's better to see NO MC than an incompetent one. It's an industry and there are too many hanging up a shingle with no qualm about parceling out poor or even harmful advice.

I take back what I said about forgiveness. It looks like you have a good handle on that. So, did you say you are absolutely moving on or are you just contemplating it?

If you move on, are you amenable to dating your now wife sometime in the future or are all bets off?
Thank you...and yes - Worse advise ever! It gets worse, we were told in order to move on I had to take some blame in what happened as I must have done something to push her away, he was manipulative, and I basically told myself she was a victim. That's how I got by! I was told I had to put it behind me because everytime I brought it up it was like sticking a knife into a wound and it would ruin her self -esteem (what about mine?) We had to put it behind us, build new memories and never talk about it again! I didn't...

I was never able to get angry either because I caught them away on a cruise together (she was with her sisters and he paid for it and went along - another long story). I couldn't get angry because when I finally reached her on the ships phone and told her what I knew she started denying it. Once I told her I knew and it was verified, she started crying and said she wanted to see what it was like waking uo next to him and when she rolled over in the morning and it was him and not me she freaked out and asked him to leave and he flew home from the island (which he did) Not because of anything other than he was trying to cover his ass. He had the nerve to call me and say he'd been on a business trip in Mexico and asked how I was doing?!!

When she finally called back, she was so upset she said she thought about jumping ship and ending it and she was crying staring into the water and a guy came up and talked her down. So instead of being angry with her, I had to grieve on my own all week while I worried if she was gonna jump ship! When she got home I just begged her to stay and did whatever it took because I didn't want her running to him! Yes, it was all handled WRONG! No wonder I'm effed up!

After 30 years we have a lot in common, but all this is eating at me. I want to seperate and see if I really miss her when I don't have the guilt of seeing her and her wanting to do things with me all the time. I just want to fly solo and see how it feels? I would not be opposed to dating, but she is outgoing and flirtatious by nature so I believe part of this is also a "test" to see if she stays faithful, or a wild streak comes out and she moves on..... It's a gamble, but that "inner voice" has been telling me I need to do this for far too long...
 

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Discussion Starter #13
You never dealt with it, it all got rugsweeped. Now she doesn't want to deal as it's all in the past... for her.
She realizes her affair permeated everything, the whole marriage since then. If she's honest with herself she knows she destroyed you, she changed you, she got an ally to put it all under the carpet and she was glad back then.
Now... maybe she wishes you guys deal with it in a different way back then but she rejects going there anymore.
:iagree: Exactly!!! This is all dead on true!
 

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Discussion Starter #14
its a very hard thing to do , bit if for one instant i thought i would feel like you do 10 years from now i would walk away from my hubby and that would be it.
i know that only after 2 years from his confession of EA it is a battle but you have to get it all out, not just pretend it didnt happen or otherwise it will eat you up///
and it sounds like it has done that

it was very bad advice to say.. lets pretend this didnt happen ?!
you have to deal with it before you can start to move on

good luck
I know some people say an EA is every bit as bad, but I would disagree. Sometimes people share things they shouldn't or develop feelings that they know are wrong, but we can't always control our feelings...only how we react to them! I wish it had been just emotional, I wish it had been a drunken 1 night mistake, I wish she came to me and confessed as she broke it off! But I know it only stopped because I caught her and made her realize he was the POS snake that I believed he was!
 

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Trust me I KNOW! My wife's affair was in 1999/2000 and we have been together all these years. I just don't think I want to live the rest of my life knowing the person I'm with was capable of this type of deceit and betrayal. I believe it's a character issue. If you want to be with someone else, just leave!
Your foundation was built on a forced falsehood. IMO, the problem you have is 12 years of weight to remove and it might be too late.
I know some people say an EA is every bit as bad, but I would disagree. Sometimes people share things they shouldn't or develop feelings that they know are wrong, but we can't always control our feelings...only how we react to them! I wish it had been just emotional, I wish it had been a drunken 1 night mistake, I wish she came to me and confessed as she broke it off! But I know it only stopped because I caught her and made her realize he was the POS snake that I believed he was!
Oh an EA is just as bad, in my book, because they are the gateway to a PA; unless it was a ONS.
 

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Your posts always brings me to tears S4E.

This is the danger alot of people who R have to deal with.

XX years down the road, sometimes something just snaps and the BS wakes up and says, WTF, I settled for this....

My worst fear that I live with everyday that my wife will one day wake up and realize that she made the wrong choice.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
unless it was a ONS.
Not sure what ONS is? NS= non sexual? Yes I guess I could agree... But if it was truly non-sexual and just emotional support and there was an attraction or feelings developed, but you resisted rather than going sexual with it, to me that would be different. I just believe once sex is involved, there is no going back - a point of no return so to speak... but we all have different boundaries, and we all can accept and tolerate different things...I know that's a given!
 

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I believe your wife is very manipulative and played the victim role when she got caught. My guess is that she is also a drama queen and I doubt her story that she was going to harm herself. She got caught by you and had to race home for damage control

She destroyed the marriage and the fact that she was never really the remorseful wife and put the blame on you says it all. There seems also to have been no consequences to her actions. She seems to have very little empathy toward you. If you had engaged in such humiliating disrespectful behavior toward her my guess she would have been at a lawyer's immediately.

The way you describe your wife is that she very attractive on the outside but quite unattractive on the inside. You are a young man at 53 and have lots of living and life to do. Do not accept any blame. It is your right to live the rest of your life the way you wish and not to spend it with a manipulative and truly down deep non remorseful life. You deserve better my friend. Good luck.
 

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Not sure what ONS is? NS= non sexual?
One night Stand.

Yes I guess I could agree... But if it was truly non-sexual and just emotional support and there was an attraction or feelings developed, but you resisted rather than going sexual with it, to me that would be different.
Personally, I think you are mixing emotional support with an Emotional affair. Support, IMO, would be I know you are going through problems If you need to talk I'm here. Saying you love them, hope for them, share their dreams, and want to meet wouldn't exactly be avoiding sexual contact. I wouldn't call that emotional support either, but we may have different definitions.
I know it only stopped because I caught her and made her realize he was the POS snake that I believed he was!
Minus the snake part, this is what still bothers me and as far as I know, no sex was involved.



I just believe once sex is involved, there is no going back - a point of no return so to speak... but we all have different boundaries, and we all can accept and tolerate different things...I know that's a given!
We will kindly disagree because EA and PA are on the same side of the coin for me. For me, it is a difference of millimeters and opportunity. I feel like I'm hijacking I'll leave you alone.
 
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