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You need to have that talk with her before she goes registering her kids for school using your address.

If I were you and in that situation, I would have ended it as soon as she made the comment about her uncle being family. I would have ended it all without any further discussion. She thinks she owns you now because she got away with that mess.
 

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So, I think the best course of action is to tell her two things. One, it's crappy behavior to promise you'll do something for me and renege. She'd be better off telling her my birthday doesn't factor into her plans and addressing any fallout head-on, rather than just ignoring the issue and hoping I'll forget. This will make you look weak . Second, and more importantly, nasty comments that my needs / her commitments to me are low priority are hugely disrespectful and won't be tolerated. If I get that kind of nasty comment one more time, we're done. You care more about the way it was said than her actions. She will merely agree to this but act the same way.


Any thoughts on how to set up this conversation - on how to say what needs to be said while keeping tensions to a minimum? I'm really struggling with this part of it. I'm not sure that having this conversation in a public setting, or putting it in a letter / e-mail will help; if I do that then I might as well just end it without giving her a chance to address her behavior.

You are preparing for a major conversation that in your later post she tells you she is not going to be receptive to. If you say more than 2 sentences and omit the terms "I expect" and "You decide", you are going to feel unfulfilled by this discussion.

Any thoughts or suggestions from TAM on this would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
 

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If you're walking on eggshells now,

You'll be walking in poop later if you stay with this entitled princess whose thoughtlessness toward an SO seems to know no bounds.

Not marriage material.

Not GF material either.
 

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based on what you shared here, its clear that she wants to define the relationship, yes its your home an yes your involved in the relationship but she has made it very clear that she wants to change the rules and control the narrative and you are just suppose to accept it...well "Homey don't play that"

now you mention she is anticipating the talk...what do you think she is anticipating?
 

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It looks to me like the two of you moved in together with different reasons / rationales. She is not wrong for choosing her own personal reasons to move in with you.

You wanted deeper companionship. She wanted something else.. Maybe to save money?

So she is operating BAU while you are expecting a new level of commitment. Unrealized expectations = STRESS you are feeling.

So she will be very surprised by your reaction just as you are surprised by her actions.

What you need to tell her in a non needy way is that you prioritize her, and expect her to prioritize you, and without that there is no relationship. If she has not moved in yet, you should tell her to consider what she wants and what she is committing to before moving in and to let you know what she decides. If she has already moved in I suggest you just say it (what you expect) and leave the conversation at that point and start observing.

PS no one can tell if she's moved in yet or not from how you wrote things up.
I am sorry, this is just... crap.

You do not act that way with someone that you are supposed to love.

Tell her in a non needy way, to get the **** out of you life.

She will be very surprised that she made the mistake of taking up with a man that actually has a back bone, as she is packing her crap up to move OUT...
 

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Yeah, I think that's pretty much it. And yeah I need to let her know it isn't going to happen.

I think she knows that she's going to be told about herself. She might be afraid to face up to two bad choices: treat me well or go back out and fend for herself.

I doubt she thinks I am going to just back down. She knows about the time I initiated a separation from my ex-wife (while 4 months pregnant) for treating me extremely poorly, and then waiting for her to ask to be allowed to move back in.

So best guess is that she knows she going to face the music and putting it off as long as she

based on what you shared here, its clear that she wants to define the relationship, yes its your home an yes your involved in the relationship but she has made it very clear that she wants to change the rules and control the narrative and you are just suppose to accept it...well "Homey don't play that"

now you mention she is anticipating the talk...what do you think she is anticipating?
 

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This early in to living together establishes the NORM in the relationship, although I'm thinking some boundaries should already be set. I'm hung up on the uncle's tickets. He had to know when the kids were available. Remember what she tells you is just that--her spin.

You've been together for a while. Has her behavior changed since you've decided to live together? Her blatant disrespect heralds storms ahead. I'm affirming what you state will be your firm 'talk.'
 

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I’m still trying get my head around the “take off work and spend the weekend with me”.....
Then Nic sends three tickets and it’s off to the races. If she considered you as her SO in front of her family, at the very least there would have been 4 tickets.

She doesn’t speak of you in front of her family. At least, not highly.
 

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I'm sensing much weakness in you with how you interact with her. For her to just have moved in and to feel so bold to be treating you this crappy already tells me she doesn't respect you.

Why would you want this woman? In the past you treated the woman that was 4 months pregnant with your kid very harshly when she was probably hormonal but with this woman you take her crap.

You better stiffen that spine before you have your talk. This woman has an entitled attitude that will steamroll right through any needy "talk."
 

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Couple things. You say your ex treated you poorly as well? I suspect this is not a new thing with this girlfriend too, as people don't change on a dime, which makes me think you ended up with women like this because they seek you out. One of the tells in this situation is how much fear you are showing to have reasonable boundaries. In confronting her about her ****ty behavior. We all have it, and all our partners do too but you shouldn't have to post on a board, to get reassurance about confrontation, when someone treats you with total disregard. But abusive or just ****ty people will choose people who are passive and don't call them on their **** precisely because people who do eventually dump them. Most people just won't put up with it for very long. They don't want to or don't have it in them to change, so they go for the right type of mate. Usually the KISA, passive type, not saying you are just putting that out there.

Is there any feeling that she is your only shot at happiness? Like why would you want someone who is this clueless about how relationships work. I could see if you had a discussion and came to a conclusion, but she is dismissive. Not good, let me tell you, you can do better.

Besides who you are with you should be able to reasonably have confrontation about this without feeling afraid, of her punishing you, or feeling guilty. And you should be able to do that without losing your cool. Again you talk about kicking your ex-wife out, but in my mind that is NOT a good sign as it should have never gotten to the point were you abused so much and for so long that you had to resort to kicking her out. It should have been addressed immediately and if nothing was solved, discussion of the marriage continuing would have been the next step. As she is your ex it seems kicking her out didn't work. I think that's because the truth is, the best predictor of having a good marriage is 90% in who you pick. If you address these kinds of issues from the start it's most likely the people who act like your ex or now your girlfriend won't be around long enough to be married to or move in.

It's going to be hard to fix this because I think it's a reasonable assumption that it's in her nature. But it may also be in your nature too, in the sense that you attract this type of women.

Something to think about.
 

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You received feedback from people who have walked this path before you so you're not alone. You can't change her nor should you try. I hope you have the strength to immediately stand up to her and send her (and her kids) elsewhere. I strongly suggest IC to help you understand why you're drawn to toxic women (and how to avoid/change it).
 

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Here's what I'm gleaning from your posts - and forgive me if I'm wrong - but she only recently moved in. With this being a recent development, you already feel there is a serious issue.

I'm weighing in as a woman here, but I don't like her response to you about you not being "family." That's fine if she doesn't consider you "family." Just let her know, as you are tossing her crap out the door, that she can live with her family rather than you.

It sounds like you have gone above and beyond to make her and her kids feel like your home is their home. But she is already coming across as a bit of a ball-buster to me. Granted, I can only go by what you are saying, but I'm scratching my head as to why you would want to live with her.

Regardless of that, the very fact that you feel something is serious and she's avoiding it .... I don't see this live in situation being long term.
 

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but then she makes a snarky comment about how I should be fine with her trip, because he's family and I'm not and we spent my birthday together last year.




Honey, I realize how much you needed that break. There is so much going on, it's even starting to get to me. I think I'd like to take a break, too. I'll call you when I reenergize.
 

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DTO,

You have framed the situation very clearly, which is great.

This isn’t about her delivery - it is about the substance.

If I choose to do something that de prioritizes you - I can run one of three plays:
1. I can make a meaningless non apology
2. This wasn’t fair to you, here’s how I’m going to make it up to you (acts of contrition are sincere)
3. You might dislike this - but you aren’t that important to me - so don’t make a fuss about it - this is normal stuff for someone who is low on the food chain - like you are

That said - in her experience - perhaps their has always been an ill behaved alpha. So she has decided that as part of moving in she’s taking full control of the relationship.

So - you can run an educational play like this: In my family, when we cause distress, we perform an act of contrition shows the injured party that: (1) we acknowledge being in the wrong and (2) The other person is IMPORTANT to us.

Smile and ask: How are you going to make this up to me?

If her answer is not acceptable just shake your head and be silent. And then do your own thing for a week - band that means no sex hard as that is. End of the week you tell her you’ve identified her act of contrition. Packing.

Not being funny.




Hello everyone,

I'm having problems with the GF - who lives with me (along with her kids) now. Since there's kids involved, I need to be tactful but firm in addressing unacceptable behavior while minimizing the impact to her family. Before anyone takes me to task for creating this situation, I know it's my fault but at least I'm determined to address it decisively. I think some back story to the situation is necessary, so here it goes.

We've been dating exclusively for about 1.5 years and have known each other for over two years. Back in early Spring we started discussing doing more family stuff together, as our kids had met and the five of us get along very well going out together. We wanted to deepen the relationship and realized that neither of us was satisfied leading separate lives and seeing each other 2x per month.

So we make the decision to live together and all seems well. Her kids will have their own bedroom (freshly redone and furnished to their liking) and play room. I'm spending the weekends either getting house ready for them or helping her clean and pack. Of course there is stress / nerves as happens with any major change in life, but nothing setting off alarms yet.

So, in the middle of all this, she knows my birthday is coming up soon after the move, and she wants me to set aside the weekend prior (when the kids will all be away) for her. Of course I say yes, and that we can both celebrate and work to get everyone settled in. It seems like a good chance to have some quality time before the school year starts.

At some point her uncle - knowing she has a short window of time between the move and the start of school - decides to send her an invitation to visit, along with three plane tickets (he lives out of state). She asks my opinion and I tell her that even though it falls on the time I set aside for her (she expressed surprise, like she forgot it was my birthday), I don't want her to miss out on family time so I figure we can make it up when she gets back. You would think that's the end of it, but then she makes a snarky comment about how I should be fine with her trip, because he's family and I'm not and we spent my birthday together last year. Now, I know my tendency is to shoot from the hip, so I decide I'll take some time, carefully consider my stance, and speak when the time is right.

And, the right time is coming up quickly. She is having a great time and remarks that she is really enjoying this break (for which I am happy). But she's said she looking forward to having another break over the next two weekends, which means she'll be here on school days and take off when her ex has the kids (unless she changes her mind) so clearly she's happy to enjoy herself and leave me hanging.

So, I think the best course of action is to tell her two things. One, it's crappy behavior to promise you'll do something for me and renege. She'd be better off telling her my birthday doesn't factor into her plans and addressing any fallout head-on, rather than just ignoring the issue and hoping I'll forget. Second, and more importantly, nasty comments that my needs / her commitments to me are low priority are hugely disrespectful and won't be tolerated. If I get that kind of nasty comment one more time, we're done.

My dilemma now is how to let her know the above without setting her off. I'm going to ask her to reconsider her plans to be gone, so that we can talk privately (my kid will be out of the house too). But if she refuses, I don't think this issue can wait a month, so I have to be prepared to address it with a full house. Obviously, calm is preferable for a variety of reasons.

Any thoughts on how to set up this conversation - on how to say what needs to be said while keeping tensions to a minimum? I'm really struggling with this part of it. I'm not sure that having this conversation in a public setting, or putting it in a letter / e-mail will help; if I do that then I might as well just end it without giving her a chance to address her behavior.

Any thoughts or suggestions from TAM on this would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
 

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but then she makes a snarky comment about how I should be fine with her trip, because he's family and I'm not and we spent my birthday together last year.




Honey, I realize how much you needed that break. There is so much going on, it's even starting to get to me. I think I'd like to take a break, too. I'll call you when I reenergize.
:iagree:
 

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All of the above posts and this; here's the hazard sometimes if one waits to "say something" if a conversation turns snarky, so to speak. Think, yes, but speak in these circumstances. One person's negativism is reinforced as ok, and the other steams and plays the movie over and over in their head.

Especially if hesitant because of afraid to set the other off. That's a sign right there, and not a good one.

Hang in there.
 

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From reading your answers @DTO I firmly believe this woman sees you as a Monday to Friday boyfriend.As far as she is concerned her weekends without her kids also mean without you and your kid.She is starting as she means to go on and I’m having serious doubts that your talk on Friday is going to change anything.
I hope she hasn’t given up her old place yet because otherwise you are in for a hard time getting her to leave.
One thing I don’t understand,why did you only see each other once every couple of weeks before moving in together? Was this her idea or was there another reason.I say this because you have to face the fact that there may be another guy on the scene and you now have the scenario where she is staying in your house and not having to pay rent on her old place.
So now she has the money for her weekend trips when she didn’t before.
 
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