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My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have 3 children. He has cheated on me 3 times that I know of, although I suspect it has been more. He had a "friends with benefits" for awhile (stopped when I found out), then an actual relationship with someone he worked with for around 2 years (again, stopped when I found out). I honestly have no excuse for why I stayed ... he always managed to convince me that he actually loved me best and that the life we have together is worth saving.

Anyways, I recently found out he had a one night stand with a much younger co-worker about a year ago. He contracted chlamydia from this young lady without knowing and then passed it on to me. I was completely in the dark about the whole thing until I went to the doctor for treatment for an unrelated infection and was tested ... talk about an unpleasant surprise. 🙄 He obviously had no choice but to come clean and now I want a divorce but he does not.

My question is am I really a complete moron to stay with him? He has been doing things this time around that he has never done before, like individual therapy and going to church. He claims to be extremely sorry and totally disgusted with himself (not that I haven't heard this song and dance before ... ) He has "re-devoted" himself to me and the family and has been extremely attentive and affectionate. We have 3 young kids and I would definitely be taking them from a comfortable life in a nice home and a good school district to basically a life of poverty if we leave. There is tremendous guilt there, and of course, I would be lying if I said I don't still love my husband. Other than cheating and lying, he is a helpful, reliable partner and an amazing father. We have made a lot of beautiful memories in 16 years and I am scared and sad to give all that up. But I am also so tired of finding out he cheated yet again, and scared for my physical and mental health if I stay.

In your experience, can a serial cheater ever really change? If you have been in a similar situation, what are some things you regret/would have done differently/are really glad you did? I'm pretty sure a divorce is the best option but I'm totally lost amd miserable and need some guidance.
Well he’s proven to you that he won’t change after how many years of cheating? (Probably the full 16 or close to) So I think it’s time you believe him. Not his words, his actions. The actions that say he has relationships, flings, friends with benefits and one night stands. You are dealing with a man who will cheat on you for literally any warm female body that will allow it. That’s not something that can be “fixed”.

I find it sad that you don’t focus on your own pain and suffering because of what he does to you... like it doesn’t even matter as long as he “changes”.

Think about this. He saw what kind of pain he caused you the first time, and he did it again. He saw the pain he caused you the second time and he did it again. He knew the devastation it would bring, witnessed it with his own eyes, and then did it again. Does this sound like a guy who cares about you or gives the slightest **** about your pain? That isn’t something that’s “fixed” either.
 

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My question is am I really a complete moron to stay with him?
Yup.

He has been doing things this time around that he has never done before, like individual therapy and going to church. He claims to be extremely sorry and totally disgusted with himself (not that I haven't heard this song and dance before ... )
He wasn't sorry and disgusted after the first two or during this on. Funny how they only become guilt ridden and disgusted with their actions AFTER they've had their good times.

We have 3 young kids and I would definitely be taking them from a comfortable life in a nice home and a good school district to basically a life of poverty if we leave.
Will your children have a clean home (rental or owned) in good repair? Would they have food, clothes, and medical care? Then they wouldn't be in poverty.

I would be lying if I said I don't still love my husband.
And this is the real reason you stay. Love is a hell of a drug. You're smoking Hopium. You love him, want to believe his lies and lines, because you hope he will change. After 16 years you know he won't. Put down the Hopium pipe. Love him if you must, but love him. Not the him you want him to be, but the him he actually is. And that guy is a serial cheater who will stop when he can't find a woman willing to drop her panties for him.

Other than cheating and lying, he is a helpful, reliable partner and an amazing father.
Other than the giant hole in the bottom this is a great water bucket. And the only thing reliable about him is that he will reliably put his penis in someone else's vagina. Serial cheaters usually go one of two ways. They keep cheating because they enjoy the reliable spouse at home offering companionship and the advantages of domestic help or they keep cheating until they find someone they perceive as "better" and leave. Usually once the kids are older.

In your experience, can a serial cheater ever really change?
If you have been in a similar situation, what are some things you regret/would have done differently/are really glad you did?
I'm pretty sure a divorce is the best option but I'm totally lost amd miserable and need some guidance.
A serial cheater rarely changes and almost never in the same relationship they were cheating in.

My exH was a serial cheater. After his 3rd or 4th affair I decided I was not bound by monogamy and also cheated multiple times. The marriage was a dumpster fire held together because there were 2 very young kids. I don't regret how things went down because I got my girls out of it and was in the right place at the right time to meet the love of my life. Otherwise, I'd regret the whole thing from beginning to end. I'm glad I left and exH is not my problem and hasn't been for years.
 

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My question is am I really a complete moron to stay with him?
Depends.

If you honestly think that he's going to stop cheating then yes.

If, however, you're willing to accept that he's not going to stop cheating – regardless of what he says to the contrary – and stay with him regardless... well, in my opinion it's still a yes, but that's a decision you're gonna have to make for yourself.

In your experience, can a serial cheater ever really change?
Most cheaters don't change, and serials never, ever, ever change.

Ever.

He's shown you who he is. It's time you believed him.

BTW, if you stay/let him stay, you should probably insist that he use condoms going forward, at least with you. You'd also be wise to insist upon regular STD tests.
 

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If a life of poverty is one of the things that scares you, then do something about it. This isn't 1950, there are tons of options as far as getting skilled up. If you do decide to hang around another year or so until his next "mistake", at least start preparing yourself.

He's an "amazing father"...........except for how he treats the kids mother, small detail.
 

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He's cheated 3 times that you know of and my guess it will be more than that. He's also given you an std. I would file for divorce because he is a serial cheater and always will be. You are worth more and deserve someone who doesn't sleep around and give you stds.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk
 

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I was married to a guy I found out had been a serial cheater the entirety of our 21-year relationship. I divorced him as soon as I found out. He's still a serial cheater. The only difference now is that he's serially cheating on his second wife, rather than on me. And, yes, I actually do know that to be true.

Serial cheating is not a "mistake" or a "phase". It's a lifestyle that results from the way the serial cheater is wired. They don't stop. It's just part of who and what they are.
 

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Because people don’t change.

I know my exH cheats on his current wife. There are certain predictable things he starts doing that mean he’s actively cheating... and when he starts doing them - I know he’s cheating.

I’ve called him out on it too - while he was married to her - and he just smirked - which means it’s true - that was also something he did when he was trying to get away with something he knew he shouldn’t be doing.

So - sometimes we know a person well enough to see the signs that are familiar.

Cheaters cheat. That’s who they are.
 

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What do churches and schools have to do with the behavior of a serial cheater?
You said people don't change. Churches and schools are in business to change people. If people don't change, why do we have them?
 

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The only time people change is when they are super uncomfortable.

If the person who needs to change is unwilling to make the changes - and is comfortable - they aren’t likely to change at all.

Church in those cases are just a cover... and an excuse to continue the bad behavior.
 

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He's a relatively high profile person from a prominent family in a small town. People see him out with other women, know who he's running around with, know what he's up to when he travels for work or with his hobbies. And, since I'm not his wife anymore no one hides it from me anymore. 🤷‍♀️

As I said, it's a lifestyle for him. It's just how he's wired.
 
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My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have 3 children. He has cheated on me 3 times that I know of, although I suspect it has been more. He had a "friends with benefits" for awhile (stopped when I found out), then an actual relationship with someone he worked with for around 2 years (again, stopped when I found out). I honestly have no excuse for why I stayed ... he always managed to convince me that he actually loved me best and that the life we have together is worth saving.

Anyways, I recently found out he had a one night stand with a much younger co-worker about a year ago. He contracted chlamydia from this young lady without knowing and then passed it on to me. I was completely in the dark about the whole thing until I went to the doctor for treatment for an unrelated infection and was tested ... talk about an unpleasant surprise. 🙄 He obviously had no choice but to come clean and now I want a divorce but he does not.

My question is am I really a complete moron to stay with him? He has been doing things this time around that he has never done before, like individual therapy and going to church. He claims to be extremely sorry and totally disgusted with himself (not that I haven't heard this song and dance before ... ) He has "re-devoted" himself to me and the family and has been extremely attentive and affectionate. We have 3 young kids and I would definitely be taking them from a comfortable life in a nice home and a good school district to basically a life of poverty if we leave. There is tremendous guilt there, and of course, I would be lying if I said I don't still love my husband. Other than cheating and lying, he is a helpful, reliable partner and an amazing father. We have made a lot of beautiful memories in 16 years and I am scared and sad to give all that up. But I am also so tired of finding out he cheated yet again, and scared for my physical and mental health if I stay.

In your experience, can a serial cheater ever really change? If you have been in a similar situation, what are some things you regret/would have done differently/are really glad you did? I'm pretty sure a divorce is the best option but I'm totally lost amd miserable and need some guidance.
My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have 3 children. He has cheated on me 3 times that I know of, although I suspect it has been more. He had a "friends with benefits" for awhile (stopped when I found out), then an actual relationship with someone he worked with for around 2 years (again, stopped when I found out). I honestly have no excuse for why I stayed ... he always managed to convince me that he actually loved me best and that the life we have together is worth saving.

Anyways, I recently found out he had a one night stand with a much younger co-worker about a year ago. He contracted chlamydia from this young lady without knowing and then passed it on to me. I was completely in the dark about the whole thing until I went to the doctor for treatment for an unrelated infection and was tested ... talk about an unpleasant surprise. 🙄 He obviously had no choice but to come clean and now I want a divorce but he does not.

My question is am I really a complete moron to stay with him? He has been doing things this time around that he has never done before, like individual therapy and going to church. He claims to be extremely sorry and totally disgusted with himself (not that I haven't heard this song and dance before ... ) He has "re-devoted" himself to me and the family and has been extremely attentive and affectionate. We have 3 young kids and I would definitely be taking them from a comfortable life in a nice home and a good school district to basically a life of poverty if we leave. There is tremendous guilt there, and of course, I would be lying if I said I don't still love my husband. Other than cheating and lying, he is a helpful, reliable partner and an amazing father. We have made a lot of beautiful memories in 16 years and I am scared and sad to give all that up. But I am also so tired of finding out he cheated yet again, and scared for my physical and mental health if I stay.

In your experience, can a serial cheater ever really change? If you have been in a similar situation, what are some things you regret/would have done differently/are really glad you did? I'm pretty sure a divorce is the best option but I'm totally lost amd miserable and need some guidance.
He will not change. My ex husband was a serial cheater. I did not find this out until we separated. I discovered one incident of infidelity when I was 5 months pregnant. He seemed remorseful. I forgave him and we tried to woke on our marriage and move forward. I found out a year after our son was born that he was back online talking to women. I confronted him and we have been separated since. He later told me that he had 3 extramarital affairs during our 5 years of marriage. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. As hard as it is to leave I know it's for the frigging best. I deserve way better than what my ex have me and so do you!
 

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I was married to a serial cheater who never wanted a divorce but who also never changed. I got out long after I should have so my answer to your question is: YES. I should have gotten a divorce the first time I caught him (my educated guess is there were several other times that I didn’t catch him) but he swore it would never happen again under any circumstances and I foolishly believed him.

The second time I caught him, years later, I got out. Why did I stay so long? I didn’t want to break up my family. I felt he would change. And — very important — I felt that he would be an absentee parent if I left. I found many other “reasons” (read: excuses) to stay after the first time. After the second time, I was just done. I’m glad I finally got out but I deeply regret staying as long as I did.

Serial cheaters are addicted to the excitement of the shiny new toy. That’s what they chase. He may love you as much as he’s capable of loving anyone but at the end of the day you’re still the known and it’s the thrill of the unknown that he’s after. Maybe he’ll change and maybe he won’t. I don’t recommend staying but if you do you shouldn’t ever trust him the way you did before. That’s asking for trouble.
Just out of curiosity did your ex do a lot of finger pointing at you? I am recently separated from my husband who is a serial cheater, and while he claims to have owned up to his actions he blames me for a lot of why our marriage fell apart. He is now dating and moved in with someone new 2 months after we separated and claims that he has not felt happy in a long time and this person makes him happy 🙄
 

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Just out of curiosity did your ex do a lot of finger pointing at you? I am recently separated from my husband who is a serial cheater, and while he claims to have owned up to his actions he blames me for a lot of why our marriage fell apart. He is now dating and moved in with someone new 2 months after we separated and claims that he has not felt happy in a long time and this person makes him happy 🙄
Some. Mostly he blamed his mom for all his problems because she never loved him (untrue). He tried very hard to convince me to stay and when I made it clear I wouldn’t he immediately found someone new and soon moved in with her. The moment the divorce was final he married her. He told me he never thought he would be that happy again (five minutes after meeting her) and, yes, he felt he should keep me posted on how it was going. They are so predictable.
 

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Some. Mostly he blamed his mom for all his problems because she never loved him (untrue). He tried very hard to convince me to stay and when I made it clear I wouldn’t he immediately found someone new and soon moved in with her. The moment the divorce was final he married her. He told me he never thought he would be that happy again (five minutes after meeting her) and, yes, he felt he should keep me posted on how it was going. They are so predictable.
Oh my gosh. Your ex sounds just as lovely as mine! Haha. When I confronted my husband after I found out the second time that he was back online he immediately said he wanted to do couples therapy. Keep in mind that he refused my requests for couples therapy after the discovery of the initial infidelity stating that he can handle things on his own. I denied his request for couples therapy and told him that we both have to do our own individual therapy before there is even a discussion of couple anything. He did not like that answer and the conversation was left at that. He came to me the next morning and said he wanted to separate. Turns out when I denied his request for couples therapy he reached out to this woman who he previously spoke with online and met up with her. This woman knows all about his serial cheating. Knows that when he originally contacted her he was lying about who he was and lying about being single and without a child, but apparently that's all fine in her book. She can have him!
 
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