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Discussion Starter #1
This will take a bit and I'm sorry. I'll try to shorthand a bunch.

Been together 11 years.
She cheatd on me in the first 4 years or so, a few times.
She's several years younger than me.
It's been great for a few years now.

I grew up in a family where dad was controlling and verbally abusive to my mom. Physically abusive to us kids.

She lost her mom at 5. Her dad 2 years ago.

We married a few years ago and have a 2 years old daughter.
I get mad sometimes and hit walls. NEVER hit my wife or kid, nor will I. However I've become a lot like my father. Get rude with my wife even in public and I don't realize it. We've fought before, usually when she's interested ni something / someone else. She says she loves me, but has lost the "feeling" for me. I think her emotions are shut off to deal with things.

Now. up to date. 2 months ago I was realizing I was so in love with my wife. I hadn't felt this way in a while. I started waking up at 4:30 just to see her get dressed. She's not a model, average but beautiful to me in every way. Realizing it more now. a week or two after I noticed this, she comes to me, "I love you so much, I'm so happy now. YOu better not ever leave me I don't know what I"d do" I told her "I'm the one to be afraid of you leaving me, I'm such an ass" "No you're not, I swear on my mother's grave we will always work things out"

We're doing a haunted house for a business. 2 weeks after her coming to me, we had started gathering volunteers. 2 are teens, 19 and one may be 20. They're cute and single. *****s even, all they do is get girls over and bang. My wife was attracted to them. Now she says shes not, but one of them said "Just days ago she made a remark that she'd like to date me if you two broke up"

A week 1/2 ago I was really upset because she was spending more time with them. They were flirting and such while I was focused on the haunt. SHe made a remark once when she approached me and I kinda shrugged it because I was working she said "But scarlett's getting loving... " I screwed up I know.

It blew up. I almost hit the desk and made the stupid remark about a divorce. She said "that may not be a bad idea" I told her later I was speaking out of hurt and fear.

Now she's still swearing she only looks at the two boys as brothers. She feels betrayed by the boys and other people she thought was friends but won't tell me why she feels betrayed. Perhaps that he told me about her saying that?

Now she wants me to spend days away. Says days but acts like until the haunted house is over. It started in less than 2 weeks. This is MY dream, I created this haunt, sure with her but she's now acting like she wants to take my family and my haunt from me. If she leaves me, and keeps me from the haunt, I could just die. I feel like dying now to be honest.

I want to give her space but the haunt needs me. She said she wants to feel "needless" instead of needy so maybe that's why she's wanting to try to do the haunt by herself.

I told her I"m willign to do W/E I have to, counseling, w/e to get past this. I understand my anger issues and I'm dealing with them and I'm also ready to be the man she needs and give her all the attention and flirting she can handle.

What do I do? Please... this IS my life. You're seeing a very desperate man that's about to lose everything. Please, please help.

Thank you,

Dewayne
 

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Discussion Starter #2
this is the first I've seen on this thread, I read some posts so I thot it may be a great place to try for some help. Thanks.
 

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Your first step is to get counseling. You have SERIOUS anger problems. Go to work on your own problems and don't push your wife, or talk to her about how you've changed and see what happens. I think you will be suprised at how much better your life will be if you can get control of yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I am now. It's just so hard to be away from her and my daughter.

Thanks.

Dewayne
 

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I am now. It's just so hard to be away from her and my daughter.

Thanks.

Dewayne
I know it's hard. My W has been gone for 16 weeks now. You need to stay focused on gaining control of yourself and if she hasn't completely given up, she will see the changes. Make these changes so that you will be a better dad and husband and do it for you.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Well, Last night my wife came to get me and my daughter. Wells he came to get my daughter and she had planned on me staying at my mom's. She doesn't want me there (mom) so I'm coming home. (mom's been very private since her 37 yr divorce a few years ago)

On the way home, I had a severe chest pain. It didn't stop so I tried to turn around. I had to pull over and I don't remember much after that. I ended up in the back of the truck with my wife racing to the hospital.

Said it wasn't a heart attack but a severe panic attack and a Hiatal Hernia? Said my stomach petruded through my diaphram. Said it can give the knife stabbing pain in some severe cases.

Wife held my arm at the beginning when I went into the room, but stayed on the chair afterwards. I got the phone after getting home to text a buddy of mine about a project for our Haunt. I looked at the texts and there were a few from michael, the boy that was in question. Scrolled up and there were texts like they were talkinga bout me FAKING IT?

So then when I confronted her about it, she said she asked the guys to play along and see if they could "catch me" and said it was all a stunt.

WTF kinda person does this sh.t? Was it really a stunt you think to see if I've "changed" as she said or was it real? I don't think it matters anymore.

Im' back home. At the haunt and I'm just gonna try to get as much done as possible. We'll split the money that's left over and I think if I feel up to it, i'm taking off. Ijust gotta get to where I don't love her anymore.

Any thots, please help.

Thanks,

Dewayne
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Guys, I've been TRYING like crazy the 180.

My wife will talk to me sensibly but then I regress my progress and talk to her again. I'm stupid, I know. I don't believe my wife hates me, in fact she says she love me. But doesn't want me when she looks at me. She said she cringed when she held me the other day.

I asked her flat out if she wanted a D. She said no. She said she wants to be alone. She asked just like this "Why, is that what you want?" I told her of course not.

She doesn't think I can change and she said she's kinda waiting to see if she can change her mind about me. 2 months ago, we were spontaneously parking in the middle of the day at a Graveyard (iknow i know) and made love. Just a freaky spare of the moment thing. But she was so into me at that time, she held my arm the rest of the way home and smiled and was acting all in love.

Should I continue to try the 180? Or do I just give up and crawl in my hole? My first fiance and I lasted 7 years, but we started in 8th grade. When we moved out and such it changed but were still ok. When she left I crawled in a hole and stayed. It took a long time, but eventually I was ok. No on hurt me, no one ... nah, nevermind. I didn't like it. Not one bit. I'm just scared and hurt.

She's living in the same building. It's 6,500 sq ft. I'm at one end but we still have to share a b/r. She's not to the point that she's packing up and going to stay with someone, but we also have the business to deal with so that COULD be the only reason for her staying here. But, she acts like she doesn't want a D and wants to just have time.

Anyways, I was just looking for assurance that the 180 is what I need. Please help. I have no one to talk to. My brother and his family are living with us and they don't even speak to me. They said they want to "stay out of it" but that also means, I don't have a brother.... He has yet to come to me to make sure I'm ok.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thought I'd give a morning update.

This morning I couldn't sleep. So I came to my PC and studied some more on evolving myself into a better person.

My wife woke up, sounded horrible and I told her "good morning" she said "morning" (my pc is next to her bedroom door)

She took a shower. Came back and we started talking about the business etc. She started to get ready and I followed her to the hallway, she left the door open. I woke the daughter up to get her ready and went to the door.

I watched her put make up on and do her hair. I swear I've not missed this woman so much before. She's so beautiful. So I told her. Casually. She's losing weight and looking great so I told her. She kinda hinted a smile. So a few minute's later I asked her how that made her feel and she said "Flattered"

We continued to talk, no argu, no bringing up of the problems etc. And I felt like we were doing ok. It's so hard to not talk to this woman. SO HARD! I love her so much and I can't believe I'd been blind again for so long.

She's being independent and all that still, but was very nice this morning. During last night she said she wanted it over. So I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said "no, why is that what you want?" So I never expected the morning to go flip flop.
I just don't know if she's just "being nice" or is starting to feel better.

I'm scared the full 180 will let her feel ok that I'm doing well and go ahead and leave. She's stubborn and makes decisions like that and then regrets it usually. Is there anything I could or should do to try and show that I /we need her and to feel better?
 

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Stop asking her if "she wants a divorce." That is seriously annoying.

You need anger management now. You need to break the cycle of abuse that you grew up with. Become an interesting, non-needy person.
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
I'm working on it. I'm already being much nicer just by the way I talk, several of my friends have told me they can see a difference.

BTW, I've gotten some tapes from Tony Robbins and I'm on some nerve medicine now. I'm working VERY HARD at this. I know I'm the cause of it all, but I think 11 years and our beautiful daughter of almost 3 is worth working on it together. My wife told me just this morning she "will always love me. It's just not the same though"

I feel like we have a chance to work on it. Everyone's just stressed over the haunt and such. I think once it's over and the money comes in we should do better. I understand it'll take a while to build anew, but I'm willing to do w/e it takes.

Thanks for the input guys, keep it coming. It makes me feel better to come here, SOMEWHERE and get help. Not a shoulder to cry on, but it's very helpful. Thank you for the board.

Dewayne
 
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Discussion Starter #11
She brought me my nerve medicine yesterday and gave me a hug. A few min's later I asked if she cringed like before and she didn't remember giving me a hug.

We talked ok, she was smiling but we had company too. Kept looking at me while I was talking to the Volunteer Fire Dept. Not sure if she was just being casual or what.

I've been trying really hard on the 180. It seems to have been helping. I still get the urge sometimes to ask if she's feeling "better" about me yet. I'm trying to not say anything.

I let her and the actors go to the bowling alley for a PR stunt. I stayed home because of an incident a few weeks ago and smiled and told them to have fun. I remembered the camera so I took it up there an hour later before my mother and I left. I walked in she was standing apart from other folks, talking.

She smiled when she walked to up me but also continued to say "you're not really suppose to be here (due to the incident, a guy threatened to choke rape my niece a fwe weeks ago...)

But we talked a bit, she told me how unbusy it was comparitavely and we talked about how thre was a big school ballgame going on a 1/4 mile up the road, hence no one bowling.

I left and she said be careful. This morning I texted her good morning. An hour later she said she just got up. This was 8:30. We chatted a bit and she wanted to know if I could get my mom to watch baby JoJo while she and I work on the haunt.

Its (180) been helping me a lot. Fort Mertel? I think I spelled it right, has been sending me emails too. He's been helping a lot. Some of which is kinda the same as 180 but he's helping quite a bit. I feel better when I read his stuff and others thats on here.

If you're keeping tabs, it's going ok, she still says she only wants to wait and see until after the haunt season is over. The only thing is, the haunt's not worth doing if I can't "hold her hand" while doing it. Sure, it's my dream but I wouldn't be here if it weren't for her. I'd liket o be able to share it like we're suppose to when it comes. Slowly we're getting along. It's just hard.
 

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If you don't get counseling for your anger issues I'm guessing all this 180 stuff you've been doing will be in vain because violence kills love and marriages. My stbxh used to hit or break things when angry. It left me with emotional wounds that are still healing. There's no excuse to fly off the handle like that when angry. I strongly urge you to find a good therapist to help you respond to negative things in your life like a responsible adult, not a child.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
I've been doing extra things too. Sorry, but you guys coming on here keep talking about my anger management, i'm getting it worked on and under control. I just don't mention every detail.

Trust me when I say I'm working on it! I've got a free therapist in town that's talking to me, a great guy that's a professional emailling me and helping me out and doing other things too. It's getting handled!!
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Well, I've been doing extremely well. I went and did a lot of driving recently, going back and forth from and to my mother's house.
I didn't yell at a single driver and was laughing instead of cussing at the idiot drivers. My anger has come down quite a bit, it seems as if, at least for me, when being humbled tremendously, it helped with my issues. Realizing I'd become a mean spirited person and how I failed to show my wife how much I loved her has helped a lot. The person that's been helping me has said she noticed a big change in my demeanor from the first time we met. So hopefully that's a positive on what I'm wanting to achieve, and not just that I'm happier at that moment of seeing her.

We talked tonight. She came to me after spending another few hours out with her and her friends and her nephew. She came in a much better mood and was talking to me about things. When "we" came up, She brought it up and she talked about our past and my issues. She hugged me and didn't feel like she was fighting it. I think she's starting to realize how much of the big picture I got.

I promised her that I had realized so much and that the last many years has nothing to do with our future. My past is in the past. The way I talked to her, the way I let her do so much work etc, it's all gone. I told her that I needed her to blow up to help me realize everything.

She seems to be happier that I've gotten a lot of the Haunted House to 90% complete. All it needs in most of the rooms is just audio and lighting. Construction and detailing is done just about. BIG step for us. Maybe she's seeing that I am changing and wanting the change and will be ok with working on us. We'll see.

The 180 has been helping, sure, I failed a few times but it's helped me cope and deal, and also helped with our attitudes towards each other.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Dewayne
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Well, I crashed about 9:30ish last night. Tired. Woke up to my sis in law waking me up at 3:00 telling me "I found Jordan roaming the halls looking for mommy, I can't find her, her car's here and she's not in the building that I can see"

I found her at the two young boys' house. They came and picked her up, got some liquor and weed and went to the house. I stood on the footsteps looking in the door for about 20 min's before I knocked. I knew which room was Ryan's and Michael's, no one entered or came out of that door when I knocked.

Ryan answered the door, 5 guys standing there like they were gonna stop me from going in. I plowed in and asked where my wife was. I went into the room, michael's out cold naked with a pillow over his privates, walked toward end of room and looked into the closet, found my wife. Pants off but with her night shorts on (including panties) she looked at me and just had that look. She didn't say a word and I asked her "Is this how you wanna live? Stay if so, if you want to be a responsible MOTHER, get in the truck"

She SWEARS she didn't do anything....
Now she's wanting to try and talk things out and see if we can make it work. I told her "My heart still wants you, but my mind and gut says GTFO and take Jordan with me" She said she'd understand if I did but would like to talk things out later.

I'm stuck. I NEED to get away from this. I'm starting to think my little anger wasn't even an issue. She told her nephew that she was missing being young and dating. This would be the SECOND time she's done this.

I don't know. Tired of it but I also know I helped push her here.

Dewayne
 

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Discussion Starter #16
No one's replying / helping but I'll conclude anyways. Wife pretty much made excuses because she felt left out as a young person and wanted to party. That pretty much sums it up.

She had an affair. Slept with OM twice. Bawled on me and said she'd like to work it out. Again, grass musta not been as green on the other side.

I'm not a horrible person that beats on my walls every day. However, I didn't put my wife as #1 and didn't always treat her with respect.

I'm changed. Having the world (all family and friends) telling me I'm an a$$hat was enough. I just need to decide whether I want to deal with this anymore.

I feel better. I knew, but had to hear it from her. She admitted to getting high and having the affair. It was her first time doing dope.

At this point I just about look at all women as trash and sick and tired of their lies. I'm disgusted with people and more and more with women as a focus of my disgust. Even sweet girls will turn on you like a illraised pit bull.

I'm still working on myself but will be more importantly deciding where to travel from here.

Thanks.
Dewayne
 

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No one's replying / helping but I'll conclude anyways. Wife pretty much made excuses because she felt left out as a young person and wanted to party. That pretty much sums it up.

She had an affair. Slept with OM twice. Bawled on me and said she'd like to work it out. Again, grass musta not been as green on the other side.

I'm not a horrible person that beats on my walls every day. However, I didn't put my wife as #1 and didn't always treat her with respect.

I'm changed. Having the world (all family and friends) telling me I'm an a$$hat was enough. I just need to decide whether I want to deal with this anymore.

I feel better. I knew, but had to hear it from her. She admitted to getting high and having the affair. It was her first time doing dope.

At this point I just about look at all women as trash and sick and tired of their lies. I'm disgusted with people and more and more with women as a focus of my disgust. Even sweet girls will turn on you like a illraised pit bull.

I'm still working on myself but will be more importantly deciding where to travel from here.

Thanks.
Dewayne
Tell her you need to get yourself figured out before you will have any clue whether you can work on it.

Your most likely unhappy with yourself for how you acted.

Projecting it onto her and all women in general isnt going to do you any good.
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Do not have any grudge for her.Let go off your anger.
!80 means taking care of the SELF not to see the impact on anybody else;so youa re just taking care of yourself;Why do you have to look for anybody's affirmation taht you have chnaged;
Take care of yourself and your daughter;Tlak honestky to your wife;We all do mistakes and there are reasons beghind it;
Also there cannot be an excuse for cheating never;she should ahve asked you for a divorce and then gone about with her life;
Not all emn and women are the same;In my case I am angry with my husband;Keep posting;keep your calm and please go through other posts by other people ,you shall get to know many things and many good positive advice too.
 

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Sorry for your troubles Dewayne.Don't know if you're considering R with your wife,but maybe if you post in CWI sub forum you can get some helpful insight regarding her cheating and what measures you can take to be sure everything is out in the open from her side.Take care.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Thanks guys. yeah i was pretty much venting in that last post.

I'm doing the 180 still and getting better with it. We're showing each other affection but I told her I'm having problems and need to deal with them.

No, there's no excuse for cheating. I know that. I just keep telling myself it's my fault and just accepting it as such. Maybe it's me trying to deal? I've started delving in that CWI section a bit further since the post. I'll keep in it.

I'm keeping my cool. Like I said, I wasn't TERRIBLE with the anger thing, and it's not the same anymore. Earlier version of me would've already confronted my so called friends and walked away very tired. but now, I'm just letting things go. Its not as hard as I thought it would be, letting go and NOT getting very PO'd at things I should be, accepting her infidelity etc.

Thanks for the support, please don't take my last post as too serious, i was typing from the heart on spare moment and venting. I don't hate women / people, I just hate society and how it's become. I hate technology more so lol. It's made things like this easier for people who want to stray and get away.

Dewayne
 
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