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Hello world.

My name is JD. I have no idea where to begin with what happened in the past two weeks. I guess I will start with when this began.
I met R ( I will call him) at camp where we both worked. I had just gotten out of a relationship and he was a little younger and cute-so I thought some summer fun. He was the archery guy and I worked in a second grade group. We had a great summer ( this was almost 6 years ago) and at the end of the summer before school started he asked me to be his girlfriend. We went to schools that were four hours apart, than he decided to do a semester in Italy. So we were never fully together for about 4 years of our relationship-always some sort of distance. But we made it work. I feel this was another issue-we were never FULLY around each other. So I think when we finally moved in together a lot of issues came to the surface.
Going into our 4th year together he took me to Disney and proposed to me. It was the most romantic thing in the world and I was never more in love with him. We planned a wonderful wedding and on April 29, 2011 yes the same day as Will and Kate-we got married. I remember waking up early to watch Kate walk down the isle and was so excited that I would marry my Prince the same day.
We started off on shaky ground-looking back on it-our honeymoon was great-it was in Disney. I had a few panic attacks during the honeymoon but nothing crazy. We came home and tried to fall into married life. But it never got along.
From the start we didn’t know how to live together-we were always doing things apart. Going out with friends apart-doing almost everything apart. I should have seen this coming. He was never home-I was always alone. And when I would say something he would let me know that was silly.
Our sex life-well there was none. Than we both lost our jobs within two months of each other. So we were having issues with money as well.
In January my Uncle passed away and made me spiral into a depression. Which R could not handle. Its my fault. I could not control my depression and I had I guess you would call a mid life type of crisis. I was like holy crap any day could be our last we have to do everything now. So I guess I lost it. I requested an open marriage which of course was a red flag that obvi. something was not right because he agreed to it and I acted on it. Than I had a panic over having children. So I vocalized that to R. He freaked out.
A week ago today he got a message on facebook-which I believe is the bane of every relationship and can ruin a lot of things. The message stated that I was a ***** and that he should leave me and that I really didn’t want kids and even if I did he shouldn’t have kids white a hoe like me. Well I guess that was the last straw. We sat down and discussed. Apparently he hadn’t been happy for 5 months-even though my constant asking if he was okay and if there was anything I could do for him got nothing more than a yes or of course. He also admitted that he could not handle my anxiety attacks and depression. I dumbly thought he was okay all this time.


In one day he decided that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. After everything we built and been through all it took was a facebook message-a horrible idea for an open marriage and a day.
I believe in my heart that he had been planning on leaving for awhile and used the FB message (which I think he did himself) as an excuse to get out of the marriage. I asked if we could go get help and at least try and work on it-he said no. And that was it. He left the house to stay at his parents house-and I am left to pack my stuff and move back in with my parents. He gets to keep the house. So as I shift thru the ashes of my life I get overcome with memories of us and cry ALOT.

I know some of you are like well you idiot you asked for it by requesting an open marriage and than acting on it. I know this. I know it was the worst idea I could have had. It ruined my marriage. But I feel it takes two to tango-if R didn’t want the OM he should have spoken up. If he was unhappy he should have let me know anytime I asked him if he was doing okay and how his day went. I sit here in an empty house just me and my dog. I miss him. I miss his presence-I miss hearing his voice. I love him deeply. He hasn’t talked to me at all. He texted me once to let me know that we would be getting a mediator to go over everything and thats the last I have heard from him. I don’t know anything at this point. I don’t know what he is thinking. I don’t know if he believes I did more than I admitted to or if he even wants to see me again. A part of me hopes that with both of us getting help he will want to work on this like I do. But the other part of me is screaming its over you need to get use to it. I don’t know what to do. I know a lot of you are probably shaking your head and saying your so stupid for doing what you did-you ruined this whole thing yourself-and I agree. But I really think this was a two way street. I just don’t know what to do.
I have a bunch of people telling me you have to keep your life as normal as you can-it hurts you are going to have your good days and bad. They tell me to keep going to the gym-to keep living. But how does this happen? All I can think about are all the memories. I need help and advice. I know you are probably all judging me for what I did...but please if someone anyone can dispense some advice that isn’t mean-please I would love to hear it.

So last night was my first real day out since he asked ofr a divorce. I went to a heavy metal show-one of those all days things. It felt good to be around people who are like me-covered in ink and love good metal music. It felt good to scream lyrics at the top of my lungs and jump around. I mean I didn't fully escape the feeling-esp when I saw little families together-mom and dad with a little metal head. But it also made me realize that maybe me and my STBX really weren't meant for each other....I know he would never ever go to a metal show and bring our kid with us...I know he never liked going to stuff like this. He never fully understood me. He couldnt handle my anxiety or depression.....I guess he was right when he said we shouldnt be together...I dont know.....its hard ot say that-or rather write it down....

The drama with yesterday was by the time we got back to my friends it was like 145 in the morning and i had been outside in the heat all day-I had a few beers and I wanted to sleep. Well my mom called and kept calling so it woke me up at 3am. She went nuts on me. She started screaming at me about you have only been sperated for two weeks and your sleeping out??? What are people going to say about you? THey already thinkg your a *****! I was so upset. So upset that I woke my friend up at 4am and drove the hour and half back home. I have been sleeping on and off since 6am it is now 930am. I am achy all over from jumping around lasst night and mad as all heck at my mom. Holy crap. You threathen me saying that its bull**** and what will people think.

The worst was I told her that last night was my last night out-I have to save money now-I am moving home and obv. out of respect for my parents I am not going to be going out. So last night was it. I let her ruin it for me. I dont know.

I am so paranoid. Like what if someone saw me last night at the show hanging out and being flirty. Letting my guy friend hold my hand to ward off people from me. What if someone te4lls the stbx or my family? I know it wasn't comp okay to let happen-but really i shouldnt have to live in fear. Its over with me and stbx. LIke no hope. So why should I worry? But after the facebook incident that happend to put the nail in the marriage so to speak-I believe people will go thru any lengths to hurt me. I don't know. I don't know if I should be paranoid or what....but honestly last night out for a very long time....just because I am moving home...I should have enjoyed it....

Now its back to my hole. By myself. With the pain. Great.Can't wait for my doc appt next week. I need to talk to someone. .

How do I know when its okay to live again? How do I know its okay to have a little bit of fun again and not be scared?I know its only been two weeks...but still....am I suppose to stay away from people and not smile because I am getting a divorce and I should be in pain for a long time? Which I know I will be in pain for a very long time...but still....I don't know...help...:confused:
 

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"How do I know when its okay to live again? How do I know its okay to have a little bit of fun again and not be scared?I know its only been two weeks...but still....am I suppose to stay away from people and not smile because I am getting a divorce and I should be in pain for a long time? Which I know I will be in pain for a very long time...but still....I don't know...help"

Wow, you're beating yourself up an awful lot! You may have made some choices that didn't produce what you hoped they would, but it's not the end of the world, I promise you. Things *will* get better.

It's not likely that your relationship is going to recover. Go ahead and let yourself grieve, but while you're doing this, keep reminding yourself that you're a kind person who respects and values others.
Remind yourself that you've recovered from bad choices before, and you'll sometimes make bad choices in the future, but you're strong enough to recover.

You seem to be very concerned with what others think of you. I'm not sure if you're getting into unhealthy codependence with that or not, but it will help if you know that you're being the person you want to be. Be your own best friend, and give yourself the approval you're wanting from others.

I have a few articles on my blog that you may find helpful, too. Every breakup is unique, but I think you'll find Ways to Deal with a Breakup helpful as you get yourself back to good. I wish you the best.
 
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