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It's been 2-1/2 weeks since my husband and I seperated and as the title reads I am looking for an unbiased perspective. Before you read any further, taking a cue from Muskrat, I am only looking for helpful advice as I am totally commited to doing whatever I can to salvage my marriage. If you feel the need to tell me divorce is my only answer - please go elsewhere as divorce is not what I'm here for.

So, as I said, it's been 2-1/2 weeks... I'll give you the background story and I apologize in advance as this will most likely end up being more of a novel than a simple post. Oh - and I suck at grammer/spelling and am notorious for run-on sentances/paragraphs - so be warned!

My husband and I have been married for 2 years - together for about 10, literally living together since the first day we started dating and have known each other for 15 years. We did take a break 7 years ago due to an PA on my part. At the time (and I am not trying to make excuses, more trying to explain what led to this in the first place. I know my actions were inexcusable, selfish and downright horrible and I was lucky to be forgiven in the first place) we were dating for 3 years and for about a year prior to this happening I began to feel neglected. I felt as if his friends and his time with them were more important than I. I also felt that I was bearing the responsibilty for everything, and when I say everything - I mean it. He would at the time give me money to pay bills, more often than not it was not enough money to cover his share and I would have to cover the remaining amounts. So bills and their paying was all handled by me. Housework - all done by me. Yardwork - all done by me. Maintaing vehicles, home repairs - what I was capable of was done by myself and if I was not capable my family or friends would help me out. I began to resent him for the lack of help/support/whatever you want to label it and I stupidly went in search of someone who told me all the things I wanted to hear and who seemed to actually enjoy my prescense. What began as an EA led to a PA. Please know that I was NEVER in love with the OM but relished the attention he gave me. my husband (boyfriend at the time) eventually discovered the affair and moved out of our home for 3 months to clear his head in an attempt to resolve not only our issues with our relationship but to give each other the space to resolve our own personal issues on each side that led to the affair. After he left I resigned myself to become the best possible girlfriend I could ever be. I did everything and everything I could to make sure he would return home and that when he did our relationship would be better than ever. I once again took on the role of all round caretaker (for lack of a better phrase) that I had resented - I didn't care, at that time I wanted my boyfriend back no matter what and hoped that after the horrible expierence I brought on us that we would both learn and grow/change from it. I thought we would so I kept on waiting.

The years went by and we seemed to be closer than ever (thou looking back I guess that may not have been the case). We decided we would get married - sadly the day was slightly marred by my RX addicted father running out of his fix and having to be taken to a rehab facility, do you ever wonder if some things are a sign of more trouble to come?

I thought we were happy as husband and wife. I am an introvert while he is an extrovert and we seemed to balance that out nicely - once again, so I thought. While I did not feel he was helping me with household related things as much I thought he should, he himself thought he was even thou I voiced my concerns multitudes of times. Slowly it seemed as if we started to drift apart and naievly I thought this was normal, just a bump in the road of marriage, but I guess not.

Earlier this year he started to drift more and more. He rarely called or texted me, started going out to the bar with his friends and not inviting me, when not going out with his friends he would constantly have them over to our house till very late in the evening/early morning hours leaving us with almost no time together for ourselves. I voiced my concerns in light hearted ways - afraid of pushing him away further.

In June I had an accident which dislocated my elbow, tore all the ligaments at the elbow and broke a small piece of the bone off. At first the Doc didn't think the injury too severe and it wasn't until 3 weeks after the injury occured that the Doc took back his original diagnosis and said I may have to have surgery to repair the injury and either way, with or without the surgery I would loose a vast majority of the movement in that arm. At this time I was unable to do even the simplest of things, I couldn't even fasten my own bra let alone cook, clean, do yard work or work on vehicles and let my husband know that I really needed him to step up and help me - which he said he had no problem doing. Well, nothing got done. Barely any help was given - it got to where he was agitated by my waking him to fasten said bra so I could go to work. In one way I guess this was a good thing because it pushed me to get my arm back to normal without surgery (for we have no insurance). After 7 weeks I was back doing everything I was doing before, either using only one arm or dealing with the elbow occasionally dislocating - here is where my resentment began to bloom.

It was also at this time when my husband came to me and informed me he thought he was having a midlife crisis. I was very skeptical to this as he is only 31 and I 30. He told me he wasn't happy with how his life was turning out. He didn't want to live in the area, was unhappy with what little money he made and the fact that he felt like he constantly mooched off of me. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said no. I asked him if we were going to be ok - he said he hoped so. I asked what I could do to help make the situation better - he said he didn't know if there was anything I could do. He said he felt like we hadn't been connected emotionally for a long time, that I didn't give him the affection he needed - emotional or physically. Not knowing what to do I just decided to march on. We decided we would have one dedicated date night a week, just the two of us and keep "working" on it from there.

Our first date night a female friend (who has her own boyfriend) of his called at 9pm and asked that he go with her to pick someone up from the airport with her 2 hours away. I foolishly told him to go, half using stupid women's reverse logic and half knowing that if he didn't go he'd be talking/texting with her on the phone the remainder of the evening. He left to go with her even after I told him how much I didn't want him to go.

After this and despite my feelings of resentment for various things I once again poured myself into doing everything I could for our relationship. Instead of giving what I thought was 100% I tried even harder. It got to where the last 2 months we were together were admittantly the best of out relationship. Then I looked at the cell phone bills.

Both of our phones were in my name. I didn't opt for detailed billing so I didn't pay attention to who we were talking to. I noticed that we were starting to go over our minutes and were starting to use up all of our rollover minutes. I expressed to him that I thought me needed to upgrade our plan and let him know that I was going to do so. A week later I logged on to our account and noticed 90% of all minutes were being used by him calling the same number. I thought prehaps the number was his sister as she likes to call him constanly. When I asked who it was it turned out to be the same girl he left me on our first date night to hang out with. I was sick. I went off. I saw how he spent a majority of his time constanting talking to this girl when he would barely call me. And if he wasn't talking with her then they were texting. He assures me this girl is just a good friend and that he would never/has never slept with her (this I truely believe as that is not who he is). He tells me that this girl is a destroyer of men and he would never want to date her. He also tells me that they have talked/texted this much on and off for the last 2 years since we were married. I told him I thought this was the deserved karma for what I had done to him.

This argument lasted 3 days culminating with him deciding that it would be best if we seperated. He says that it's noy just her that is out problem, she is merely a symptom. He tells me that I have been the best wife that anyone could hope for, that I never gave anything less than 110% (his own works). He tells me that it's mostly him - that he doesn't understand why he treats me the way he does and that I don't deserve to be treated this way.

I didn't know what else to do. He wanted space to figure himself and our marriage out. I was scared that if we remained together that me being there would somehow make it worse. I told him that a seperation was not what I wanted, that I took a vow of "for better or worse" and that when times were worse a married couple was supposed to work even harder together to fix it. I gave him what he wanted but not in the way he expected. I think he expected me to kick him out but I didn't. I left. I packed all my things (99% of the furnishings and household items I brought into our relationship - he brought the 2 tv's). I took everything, minus the couch, a desk, a cabinet, a vacuum, a set of plates, cutlery and pots and pans - some because I could easily replace them if necessary and some because they just wouldn't fit into the storage locker I rented. I moved in with family 3 days before our 2nd marriage anniversary and have been with them ever since.

He said we would meet on Tuesday evenings and try to work things out and hopefully from there we could start "dating" again. He said he doesn't want a divorce - that he hopes we come out of this husband and wife 2.0 version. When I left he said he would call me every day. That lasted 4 days. A few times he called and I was admittantly angry and purposefully/childishly ignored his phone calls.

We met on the 1st Tuesday (our anniversary) to go out to dinner, during which I found out the following day that he and the girl were texting back and forth during.

We met last Tuesday to go over bills and the money he owes me. I got my name off of our rental lease and all our utilities put solely in his name. We never had a joint bank account so that wasn't an issue. The only thing that remains in both our names is the car insurance. We discussed a payment plan for him to repay me and just kind of "hung out" for a while afterwards.

When I was leaving I told him that I missed him and he said he missed me, too. He also told me that I could call him anytime to talk. That was almost a week ago and he's answered 1 of the 4 times I've called.

So, that's where we are. I see him again tomorrow and know not what to expect. I hate not knowing what he's doing or thinking. I'm scared that he's going to forget about me. I'm scared that he might decide that his life is better off without me. I'm not one who easily lets people in and I'm scared I'm going to lose the person I love the most. I already feel like my heart is gone. I've taken my wedding ring off as I don't feel right wearing it when he seems more invested in a relationship (be it extremely close friends) with a woman other than myself. I'm scared I'm acting like a hypocrite being so upset with their relationship after what I did to him 7 years ago. I'm just so very scared.

If you've made it this far in reading, thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this - I knew it would be a novel.

Please, if you have any positive thoughts, opinions, suggestions or whatever, please post them - I appreciate whatever you can give me.
 

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First off congratulations on coming here asking for help instead of dealing with this on your own, blaming yourself and such.

I'm going to give it to you straight and save you a lot of trouble. Your dealing with a husband who reuses to be a husband or meet you half of the way, and wants to leave you to his dirty work while he's with another woman. He wants to divorce you for a life of partying and sleeping around, correct? C'mon, Eternal.

Is this really a man you want to be picking up after and doing his share of chores while he skips out on paying the rent, or bills, or for his phone, or for medical bills, or ANYTHING for the next twenty years? You don't need this man to be happy, it sounds to me like you figured that out with the first PA.

And don't beat yourself up for the PA. You admitted to your faults and took responsibilit to improve your relationship. In my book that makes you a very good woman. BUT I don't see a lot of change in him since he "found himself" while taking a break. If anything he kinda phoned it in and then let himself get depressed again and left you to deal with the dirst work while he chased after instant gratification in bars and around other women.

The sooner you see tha you can do A LOT BETTER, the sooner you will feel better and realize this man is making you miserable.
 

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Eternal Embrace

He tells me that this girl is a destroyer of men and he would never want to date her. He also tells me that they have talked/texted this much on and off for the last 2 years since we were married. I told him I thought this was the deserved karma for what I had done to him.

This argument lasted 3 days culminating with him deciding that it would be best if we separated. He says that it's noy just her that is out problem, she is merely a symptom. He tells me that I have been the best wife that anyone could hope for, that I never gave anything less than 110% (his own works). He tells me that it's mostly him - that he doesn't understand why he treats me the way he does and that I don't deserve to be treated this way.

I'm scared I'm acting like a hypocrite being so upset with their relationship after what I did to him 7 years ago. I'm just so very scared.

If you've made it this far in reading, thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this - I knew it would be a novel.

Please, if you have any positive thoughts, opinions, suggestions or whatever, please post them - I appreciate whatever you can give me.






The least your husband is doing is an EA (Emotional affair) betrayal.

You are weak because you are still beating yourself up over your PA of 7 years ago. . You are every scared that you may lose him so you are compromising.



This man, your husband, is in desperate need of accountability. You took a step in that direction by moving out. However, you want and need him more than he does you and that puts you at an disadvantage right now. He is not suffering enough consequences to stop his addiction. Yes he has a type of addiction, that addiction is that he is getting an emotional high or a sexual high or both from the OW.

He says things that indicate that he knows that he is wrong but he has not stopped with the EA with the OW. Always remember that actions always speak louder than words. Do not trust words, trust actions only!

Advice? The advice that I give you is that you impose as severe consequences (for accountability) on him as you can without those consequences being hate or revenge based. When you are in an addiction it takes a real hard jolt to get you to consider changing. Right now he is trying to have it both ways. He is keeping you on the line as a backup and is getting his fix from the OW.

If I am wrong about your husband and the other woman (I doubt that I am, but possible) then your husband wants to change his life style and that does not include you to any great degree. In either case you cannot have a successful marriage under either circumstance.

Here is what I see so far. You are in an emotional trap; you are so needy that you will compromise in thought and action because you are desperate. You are a good woman with a good conscience but you are weak and that is not going to help your situation. As hard as it may be you need to go on a diligent plan to build YOURSELF up body, mind, and spirit. I know that is not what you a want, you want relief from the emotional torture that you are having. You are not going to get relief by being weak and your husband is also getting weaker. Two weak people cannot break an addiction. When you get stronger you will be able to help your husband with accounatbility and respect for you and himself. When you have accountabilty and respect in a relationship you have very good tools for building a successful marriage.

When you get stronger you will start to eliminate some of your compromises because they are based on your quilt about your PA 7 year ago. I am glad that you have your relatives and hope that they will lift you up. In addition, I hope that you tap into your spiritual life and realize that you are forgiven and are a very valuable person, with or without your husband.

If you are not able to impose enough or any consequences to help add accountability to your husband then you must be willing to suffer the separation until you get stronger and let time go by to see if your husband will grow up and get away from his s addiction.

I realize that the help that you may get on the internet is not enough to get you in a lot better shape. I would recommend that you get all help that you can, make sure that the help you get has your best interest at heart and not have some other motive. I will also suggest that you get the book LOVE MUST BE TOUGH, HOPE FOR A MARRIAGE IN CRISES, by James Dobson PhD.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
First off congratulations on coming here asking for help instead of dealing with this on your own, blaming yourself and such.

I'm going to give it to you straight and save you a lot of trouble. Your dealing with a husband who reuses to be a husband or meet you half of the way, and wants to leave you to his dirty work while he's with another woman. He wants to divorce you for a life of partying and sleeping around, correct? C'mon, Eternal.

Is this really a man you want to be picking up after and doing his share of chores while he skips out on paying the rent, or bills, or for his phone, or for medical bills, or ANYTHING for the next twenty years? You don't need this man to be happy, it sounds to me like you figured that out with the first PA.

And don't beat yourself up for the PA. You admitted to your faults and took responsibilit to improve your relationship. In my book that makes you a very good woman. BUT I don't see a lot of change in him since he "found himself" while taking a break. If anything he kinda phoned it in and then let himself get depressed again and left you to deal with the dirst work while he chased after instant gratification in bars and around other women.

The sooner you see tha you can do A LOT BETTER, the sooner you will feel better and realize this man is making you miserable.
Nsweet - thank you for your input - you really hit the nail on the head with your perspective.

You're right on many counts - the only thing is he has repeatedly told me that he doesn't want a divorce - he says really wants us to work things out but he thinks to do so we have to start from scratch. I do hope this is really the case and that he's not stinging me along. But as Mr Blunt pointed out so correctly "actions speak louder than words."

I realize that while cutting him so much slack in his responsibilities did nothing to make him want to be the man he should be at the same time I was brought up that if you love someone you do what you can to help them out. Hindsight is always 20/20 and with that I can see that my actions did nothing to help either one of us.

You know, at one time we did have a really great relationship and I think that's what I'm clinging to - hoping that one day maybe we can get that back. After reading yours and Mr Blunts replies I am now starting to tell myself "I love him, I want him, but I don't need him" and I will leave it at that until he can prove to me in actions that I am more than just a doormat/2nd mother to him.

Again, thank you for your input but whats more - thank you so much for your words of support I really have beat myself up over my PA - and you're right - I owned that sh!t and came out what I think to be a better person because of it. I consider myself living proof that people can change (he is a firm believer that people do not which maybe some of his problem) and I am very proud that I can represent that.
 

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The least your husband is doing is an EA (Emotional affair) betrayal.

You are weak because you are still beating yourself up over your PA of 7 years ago. . You are every scared that you may lose him so you are compromising.



This man, your husband, is in desperate need of accountability. You took a step in that direction by moving out. However, you want and need him more than he does you and that puts you at an disadvantage right now. He is not suffering enough consequences to stop his addiction. Yes he has a type of addiction, that addiction is that he is getting an emotional high or a sexual high or both from the OW.

He says things that indicate that he knows that he is wrong but he has not stopped with the EA with the OW. Always remember that actions always speak louder than words. Do not trust words, trust actions only!

Advice? The advice that I give you is that you impose as severe consequences (for accountability) on him as you can without those consequences being hate or revenge based. When you are in an addiction it takes a real hard jolt to get you to consider changing. Right now he is trying to have it both ways. He is keeping you on the line as a backup and is getting his fix from the OW.

If I am wrong about your husband and the other woman (I doubt that I am, but possible) then your husband wants to change his life style and that does not include you to any great degree. In either case you cannot have a successful marriage under either circumstance.

Here is what I see so far. You are in an emotional trap; you are so needy that you will compromise in thought and action because you are desperate. You are a good woman with a good conscience but you are weak and that is not going to help your situation. As hard as it may be you need to go on a diligent plan to build YOURSELF up body, mind, and spirit. I know that is not what you a want, you want relief from the emotional torture that you are having. You are not going to get relief by being weak and your husband is also getting weaker. Two weak people cannot break an addiction. When you get stronger you will be able to help your husband with accounatbility and respect for you and himself. When you have accountabilty and respect in a relationship you have very good tools for building a successful marriage.

When you get stronger you will start to eliminate some of your compromises because they are based on your quilt about your PA 7 year ago. I am glad that you have your relatives and hope that they will lift you up. In addition, I hope that you tap into your spiritual life and realize that you are forgiven and are a very valuable person, with or without your husband.

If you are not able to impose enough or any consequences to help add accountability to your husband then you must be willing to suffer the separation until you get stronger and let time go by to see if your husband will grow up and get away from his s addiction.

I realize that the help that you may get on the internet is not enough to get you in a lot better shape. I would recommend that you get all help that you can, make sure that the help you get has your best interest at heart and not have some other motive. I will also suggest that you get the book LOVE MUST BE TOUGH, HOPE FOR A MARRIAGE IN CRISES, by James Dobson PhD.
Mr Blunt - thank you, too, for your input - you really do live up to your screen name and I respect that!

I tried to highlight in red what in your post hit me the most.

I am compromising. I truely am. I recognize this with the help of the above replies (and Divorcecovenant's even thou his disapeared for some reason) that I am codependant upon my husband. I wasn't always like this but after 10 years it is what I came to be. And in being that I did compromise what I felt our marriage deserved in exchange of not rocking the boat and possibly pushing him away so to speak.

I agree that he does need accountability and I will admit I am both torn and confused (for lack of a better word) on this. I am torn because as you pointed out - right now I AM weak. I'm afraid and have always been afraid that if I were to hold him accountable it would push him away - that and the fact that he likes to tell me verbatim "you knew who I was when we got together". I did know but I foolishly hoped that our love and relationship would make him want to step up and grow up. I'm confused because I don't know what else I can do to hold him accountable. When I left (which I will admit I did leave for him to give him the "space" he says he so needed) I took 99.5% of everything in that house (it was all mine anyways and I didn't trust him or his friends to take care of it), I got my name off the lease, off all joint bills minus the car insurance and dropped his line off of my phone plan. Right now the only other things I can think of doing are going complete NC except for our Tuesday nights when we're supposed to get together and "work" on our relationship. And other than that I guess I could quit taking our dog to see him on Tuesdays (that might sound trivial - but we have no human children together and thus considered our dog (the dog I take care of, buy everything for, pay for everything for - always have since we got her 6 years ago). Do you have any other suggestions as to how else I can hold him accountable, please, I'm open to anything...

I really do like how you reminded me to trust actions, not words because you're right, all he has given me are words. From now on I plan to keep that in mind.

Also, as I replied to Nsweet - I am now working on telling myself that while I do love him and I do want to be with him, I do not need him.

Thank you again for your advice and input and more for your kind words.

After our meeting tonight I plan to post an update tommorrow.
 

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By Eternal Embrace
I am now working on telling myself that while I do love him and I do want to be with him, I do not need him.

Do you have any other suggestions as to how else I can hold him accountable, please, I'm open to anything...
Yes, I do have another suggestion. Write the letter that is reprinted below in blue and get strong enough to not need him in order to have a good life.

I am reprinting below just a few pages of the book that I recommend for you.


Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis
By: Dr. James Dobson
Tyndale House / 2007 / Paperback


Responses to an Unraveling Marriage
When a marriage unravels, one partner is less concerned about the prospect of divorce while the other is terrified by it.
by James Dobson, Ph.D.


The Reality
The standard approach to marriage counseling is to teach husbands and wives how to revitalize unhealthy relationships and help them work through their conflicts. Unfortunately, such advice assumes that both parties are equally motivated to work on their problems. That is rarely the case.

Typically, when a marriage is unraveling, there is one partner who is less concerned about the prospect of divorce, while the other is terrified by it. At its worse, as in cases of infidelity, the drifting member often has little desire to engage in counseling, except perhaps as a pretense to lessen guilt or criticism. He or she may have decided already that the relationship is over.
It has been my observation that the way the committed partner responds at that vital juncture will determine whether the marriage will survive or succumb. I'll explain why in a moment.


The Pain of Rejection
Only those who have been rejected by a beloved spouse can fully comprehend the tidal wave of pain that crashes into one's life when a relationship ends. Nothing else matters. There are no consoling thoughts. The future is without interest or hope. Emotions swing wildly from despair to acceptance and back again.


Nothing in human experience can compare with the agony of knowing that the person to whom you pledged eternal devotion has betrayed your trust and is now involved in sexual intimacies with a "stranger". . . a competitor . . . a more beautiful or handsome playmate. Death itself would be easier to tolerate than being tossed aside like an old shoe.


If one word must be selected to describe the entire experience, it would be something equivalent to panic. Just as a drowning person exhausts himself or herself in a desperate attempt to grasp anything that floats, a rejected partner typically tries to grab and hold the one who is leaving. This panic then leads to appeasement, which destroys what is left of the marriage.


What Went Wrong?
Let's look for a moment at the other half of the relationship — focusing on the individual who wants out of the marriage. What secrets lie deep within the mind of the woman who has an affair with her boss, or the man who chases the office flirt? Surprising to some, the desire for sex is not the primary motivator in such situations. Something much more basic is operating below the surface.

Long before any decision is made to "fool around" or walk out on a partner, a fundamental change has begun to occur in the relationship. Many books on this subject lay the blame on the failure to communicate, but I disagree. The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself.

The critical element is the way a husband or wife begins to devalue the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped in a relationship with someone he or she no longer respects.

Now we begin to see why groveling, crying and pleading by a panic-stricken partner tend to drive the claustrophobic partner even farther away. The more he or she struggles to gain a measure of freedom (or even secure a little breathing room), the more desperately the rejected spouse attempts to hang on.


Let the Trapped Partner Out
Hope for dying marriages is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives.


Opening the Cage Door
Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive.
There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will.
Groveling techniques increase the depth of disrespect by the escaping spouse.


The Right Message
If begging and pleading are ineffective methods of attracting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do victims of bad marriages use the same groveling techniques to hold a drifting spouse? They only increase the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping. Instead, they should convey their own version of the following message when the time is right:


"John ( insert name of husband) , I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done.

As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you are doing things that say that you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision.

I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. God has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together. You were my first real love and I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead."

Setting Your Spouse Free
Slowly, unbelievably, the trapped spouse witnesses the cage door vibrate just a bit, and then start to rise. He can't believe it. This person to whom he has felt bound hand and foot for years has now set him free! It isn't necessary to fight off her advances — her grasping hands — any more.

"But there must be a catch," he thinks. "It's too good to be true. Talk is cheap. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she'll be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She's really weak, you know, and she'll crack under pressure."

It is my strongest recommendation that you, the rejected person, prove your partner wrong in this expectation. Let him marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will convince him that you are serious — that he is actually free. He may even test you during this period by expressions of great hostility or insult, or by flirtation with others. But one thing is certain: He will be watching for signs of weakness or strength. The vestiges of respect hang in the balance.


Eternal Embrace

I admire you!
You have taken a very strong stance by separating and that takes courage. You have remained faithful to your husband for 7 years even though he has hurt you. You have bent over backwards trying to please your husband and you take by bluntness and ask for more information as to how you can help your husband be more accountable. That is a lot to admire in a woman that has been hit so hard and has been weakened.

One last thing, you know that you committed one of the biggest marriage killers of all time 7 years ago. You have shown the last 7 years that you are truly remorseful and have improved. That adultery 7 years ago IS NOT THE ISSUE NOW!!!

You are a good woman that has been forgiven by God. You husband and you need not try and use a forgiven act as an excuse to allow these current actions that are marriage and love killers. God has forgiven you NOW IT IS TIME FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND TO FORGIVE AND GET WITH THE CURRENT ISSUES.

I hope that your husband grows up and sees that you are the one he married and you are the one that is worthy of his love, not some other woman that is so selfish that she is flirting with a married man.

Your husband is dead wrong and is in desperate need of accountability and showing some respect. He may or may not change his free will mind. In either case it is very important that you get stronger body, mind, and spirit so that you can be strong enough to not need him to go on and have a good life.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Yes, I do have another suggestion. Write the letter that is reprinted below in blue and get strong enough to not need him in order to have a good life.

Eternal Embrace

I admire you!
You have taken a very strong stance by separating and that takes courage. You have remained faithful to your husband for 7 years even though he has hurt you. You have bent over backwards trying to please your husband and you take by bluntness and ask for more information as to how you can help your husband be more accountable. That is a lot to admire in a woman that has been hit so hard and has been weakened.

One last thing, you know that you committed one of the biggest marriage killers of all time 7 years ago. You have shown the last 7 years that you are truly remorseful and have improved. That adultery 7 years ago IS NOT THE ISSUE NOW!!!

You are a good woman that has been forgiven by God. You husband and you need not try and use a forgiven act as an excuse to allow these current actions that are marriage and love killers. God has forgiven you NOW IT IS TIME FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND TO FORGIVE AND GET WITH THE CURRENT ISSUES.

I hope that your husband grows up and sees that you are the one he married and you are the one that is worthy of his love, not some other woman that is so selfish that she is flirting with a married man.

Your husband is dead wrong and is in desperate need of accountability and showing some respect. He may or may not change his free will mind. In either case it is very important that you get stronger body, mind, and spirit so that you can be strong enough to not need him to go on and have a good life.
Mr Blunt,

Thank you again for all of the information - it is and will continue to be so extremely useful and most of all it makes perfect sense even thou those thoughts and actions would have never dawned on me.

I do plan on purchasing that book ASAP as what little you posted to me has me intrigued.

Most of all, thank you for your kind words - I have been mentally beaten down a great deal and to read those words from a perfect stranger really means so much to me.

I did take that letter and rewrite it to my wording while keeping the same message and integrity to it. After reading it in your posting it really hit home for me. I did give it to my husband last night and asked that he read it after I left so he could reflect on it's message on his own.

Once again - thank you so much for everything, and please continue to provide your input/advice along the way as I contiue to post!
 

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So last night me and the husband met for our weekly Tuesday night get together to "work on things".

After reading Mr Blunt's last post to me what he posted really made a lot of sense. While I admit his suggestions did have me slightly worried that was only because a small part of my mind was/maybe still is wanting to compromise with my husband in an effort to keep him close to me. Don't worry thou - the realistic mind (don't know a better way to put it right now) majority won out and kicked the small compromising mind's butt!

Mr Blunt suggested I rewrite and give my husband a version of the following letter:

"John ( insert name of husband) , I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done.

As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you are doing things that say that you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision.

I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. God has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together. You were my first real love and I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead."

As I said, my mind (and heart) was a bit concerned at first because my initial reaction was that in giving my husband that letter I would only push him away farther, and also as I said my rational mind won out... What exactly did I have to lose in giving my husband that letter? NOTHING!!!! I realized that in giving him that letter not only was I releasing him and giving him the space he requested but in giving him that letter I would also be empowering myself! I would be saying "this is it, I'm giving you want you want with no further qualms and in doing that I'm letting you know that I will no longer be your doormat, I do love you and want to be with you but know that I will be perfectly fine without you!" I do feel that giving him that letter was just another step in me taking my power back - another step towards becoming the woman I once was and am sure I can be again - with or without my husband - and that is a wonderful feeling!!!!! THANK YOU MR BLUNT!!!!!!!!!!

So... a quick (as quick as this novelist can make it!) recap of our meeting last night...

I had texted him earlier yesterday to make sure we were still on to which he replied yes and asked that I call him when I got home from work to figure what time to get together. When I got home from work I talked with my family about my day, had myself a small ****tail (as I am sometimes wont to do) to unwind, had dinner with my family and filled them in on the awesome advise I had been getting here - which they were really excited to hear and happy that other people were telling me what they, too believed. After dinner (about 6:30, I get home from work a little before 5:30) I then texted husband and asked if 7 would work. He said yes and asked if he should come over or if I would go to his (previously our) house - I told him I'd come over as my mother's very large and sweet dog has since taken it upon herself to want to attack my husband (please know this dog has NEVER EVER acted like this towards ANYONE EVER BEFORE and I know she's only doing so because dogs pick up on humans feelings and she feels she is protecting me from my husband, we DO NOT reinforce this behavior and are attempting to correct it). Anyways, I showed up about 5 after 7 and he wasn't home yet, his roomate let me in (my husband did insist I keep my keys to the house but I refuse to use them as I do not recognize that place as my home anymore) and I texted husband "7?" to which he called and said he was 1/2 a mile away heading to the house. I told him I was in his room waiting (they don't really have any furniture and his room only has a couch, no bed, so there I sat). I didn't even snoop thru anything as I would have previously done but I realized "you know what, I don't care, it's none of my business." He got there and commented on my new clothing - I did go on a major shopping spree this weekend and pretty much got myself the new wardrobe I'd been wanting forever but couldn't afford because my extra money had been spent bailing him out - but since those days are done I decided I'd reward myself. He asked if I'd like to accompany him and his roomate to dinner since he was hungry and broke and his roomate was fronting him money to eat (looks like somebody else is picking up the slack now, huh?). I told him yes and off we went. We pretty much made small talk. He was texting to someone a few times on the way in and out of the resteraunt but I paid no attention nor did I wait for him to finish - I just continued walking without him acting as if it/he wasn't worth my waiting. After their dinner we returned to his house and my huband and I went to his room to sit on the lone couch and proceeded with small talk. He asked about our dog who I didn't bring with me - I could tell he was upset about me not bringing her. He asked about what I'd been up to, I told him about work, my family, friends that were coming in from out of town and my shopping (shopping because he kept commenting on how much he liked everything I was wearing - I always thought looking good was a good revenge... petty maybe but I don't care cause I look and feel good!) another petty thing maybe but I did make a point of showing him the new ring I purchased to replace the spot my wedding ring had previously occupied (right now with how things are going and his whole EA I refuse to wear that ring as I feel it is not me and our marriage that he is dedicated to so why should I wear something that represents it? I don't think I should and honestly wearing it makes me feel like a joke) he really liked the ring but I'm pretty sure I saw some dissapointed in his eyes realizing that my wedding ring was no longer there. He told me some of friends had told him to tell me hello, I asked about said friends. He told me one of his friends is planning on coming in from out of town for a big Halloween thing (mixer, horror movie showing & zombie walk) at the end of the month - he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to go but when I said that it sounded like something fun he asked if I wanted to go with him - I told him I'd think about it. We continued on with small talk, I'll admit I did slightly make a point of checking the time on my phone periodically and just before 8:30 I told his I was leaving. He seemed suprised that I was leaving so early and stood up kinda blocking my way out of the room hovering around me, I made my way around him and walked out of the house to my car and he followed me the whole way. Once I got to my car he asked if he could hug me and I told him yes. He embraced me in a long and tight hug, I commented that he smelled good (I did always love his aftershave) and he told me he made sure to shave today. I let go of the hug before he did. I told him I'd get in contect with him next Tuesday to arrange a time to meet up to which he replied he would contact me this Friday to get me money he owes me (he's on a monthly payment plan with me to pay back all his debt to me) and promised he would not forget to do so. After that I just said bye, got in my car and left. I should point out that I gave him the letter when he first got there, he asked then if he could read it - I told him later, when we got back from dinner he asked again if he could read it - I told him he'd have to deal with the anticipation and read it later.

So that was the night. I knew my explination wouldn't be quick! Sorry - just trying to get everything in there!

I'll add that yesterday I did print out a lot of info on EA's, what they are, how to recognize them and how to deal/recover with/from them. I plan on giving this info to him at next week's meeting and request that he read very careful over the info (he is in COMPLETE denial that what he has with the OW is an EA) between next weeks meeting and the following weeks meeting. My plan for Tuesday after next is to lay it on the table - tell him that besides our other problems the EA has to end and if he can not end it then I am done and want a divorce. I don't think that's unfair. I don't think I should be expected to live in the shadow of another woman and I believe that if he truely did/does love me then telling him he needs to end the EA or our marriage is over is in no way askig too much.

So there you have it! Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Do you think me giving him the ultimatum is too much too soon? Anything?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
So, oddly enough he called me twice last night...

Since we seperated 3 weeks ago he'd only called me a total of 3 times before... wonder if that letter had anything to do with it.

Oh - and no, I did not answer either time - nor did he leave a message...
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
Re: Seperated and seeking unbiased, helpful advice, attempting 180

So, it's been an eventful past few days...

Found out Thursday afternoon that H and posOW took a day trip out of town the past Sunday.

After that I did some digging and found out that posOW and her boyfriend broke up last Tuesday (wonder why???!!!) - the funny thing is that posOW's boyfriend is her and H's manager at work, how that must be akward!!!

So upon these revelations I wrote H another letter saying I would no longer tolerate his behavior, that as of the letter he would no longer see or hear from me except for convos about our joint financial matters. Told him he wouldn't see our dog again either (hey, we have no kids - our dog is our kid). Also stated that if his and posOW's relationship remained as is then he would leave me no choice other than to file for divorce next year (in our state you have to wait and year and a day). I also included a print out of "Mid Life Crisis for Dummies" and an info printout detailing EA's and PA's and the effects they have on a marriage.

I was all proud of myself and gave him the letter Saturday evening and what do I go do??? I get slightly intoxicated that night and decide it's an awesome idea to text him at 2:30 in the morning!!!!:eek:
I texted him sweet dreams, tell posOW goodnight for me and to give her hugs and kisses for me!!!
He replied with "No, but I'm not gonna answer sh!tty a$$ texts. You can think whatever you want. Good night."
Did I stop there??? NO!!!!:( I replied with "Whatevs. Just remember it's still adultery till xx/xx/xx" -the date we can file for divorce.

Jeez!!!! What was I thinking???? I was totally going for the 180 and instead ended up with my foot in my mouth!!!:scratchhead:

So as of yesterday the proud feeling is gone. I of course haven't heard from him at all and I feel like emotional poo! I miss him so much and want to contact him but after my drunken texting have decided to start over with the 180 and go TOTAL NC (except concerning finances) and from now on if I decide to once again get hammered I'm gonna make sure I have a friend hide my phone...:eek:
 

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Don't beat yourself up, girl. We all fall short, sometimes.

Learn from it, and do better.

Alcohol and cell phones don't mix well, by the way. :)
 

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Don't beat yourself up, girl. We all fall short, sometimes.

Learn from it, and do better.

Alcohol and cell phones don't mix well, by the way. :)
Thank you! That's what I'm trying to do - learn and do better!:smthumbup:

And thanks for the cell phone advice, too! Next time me and Jose Cuervo get together my cell phone is soooo not invited!!!
 

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Thank you! That's what I'm trying to do - learn and do better!:smthumbup:

And thanks for the cell phone advice, too! Next time me and Jose Cuervo get together my cell phone is soooo not invited!!!
LOL!

I did the same thing, right after STBXH left me. I got trashed (thinking it would make me forget about the BS) and sent him, like, 15 text messages in the span of an hour.

Epic fail.
 

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LOL!

I did the same thing, right after STBXH left me. I got trashed (thinking it would make me forget about the BS) and sent him, like, 15 text messages in the span of an hour.

Epic fail.
I feel ya!

One thing thou - and I know it may not be good - but after sending those messages I did fall asleep with a sh!t eating grin on my face!
 

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Discussion Starter #17 (Edited)
After feeling all bummed the last 2 days my anger is starting to return...

Sons of Anarchy is my fav tv show... there's an episode (Season 3, Episode 1 "SO") and at the 50:19 mark the main character Jax totally curbstomps this guy who had just pulled a drive by at the wake for a memeber of the MC - I've watched these 50 seconds REPEATEDLY, on and off, for the last few days - does that make me a bad person wishing I could do this (and not be totally locked up for it) to my H and the posOW??? I choose to think not!!!:rofl:
 

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After feeling all bummed the last 2 days my anger is starting to return...

Sons of Anarchy is my fav tv show... there's an episode (Season 3, Episode 1 "SO") and at the 50:19 mark the main character Jax totally curbstomps this guy who had just pulled a drive by at the wake for a memeber of the MC - I've watched these 50 seconds REPEATEDLY, on and off, for the last few days - does that make me a bad person wishing I could do this (and not be totally locked up for it) to my H and the OW??? I choose to think not!!!:rofl:
Hahahahahahaha!

I would do it to STBXH's OW, but her teeth are already bad enough.

:rofl:
 

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Well done you are doing brilliantly and being so strong. Don't worry about the drunken Txts. Just put it behind you and move on. You have been given so great advice from Nsweet and Mr Blunt. You are doing everything you possibly can. Just stay strong.
Sending you a virtual hug x

Ps the 'tough love' approach eventually snapped my H out of his A fog. We are now 7 months into a very successful reconciliation. If its meant to be then it will be!
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Well done you are doing brilliantly and being so strong. Don't worry about the drunken Txts. Just put it behind you and move on. You have been given so great advice from Nsweet and Mr Blunt. You are doing everything you possibly can. Just stay strong.
Sending you a virtual hug x

Ps the 'tough love' approach eventually snapped my H out of his A fog. We are now 7 months into a very successful reconciliation. If its meant to be then it will be!
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daisygirl - thank you sooo much for your kind words and support!!! And the hugs - I def need those right now!!!:smthumbup:

I'm doing all I can to stay strong but sometimes it's just really hard...

I'm so happy for you that things worked out between you and your husbdand!!! Half the time I'm hoping things do work out and the other half, like right now, I'm not sure they ever will. If you don't mind me asking - how bad did things get with the A between you and your husband? I mean, did you always know there was hope for you two?:scratchhead:
 
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