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It's been 2-1/2 weeks since my husband and I seperated and as the title reads I am looking for an unbiased perspective. Before you read any further, taking a cue from Muskrat, I am only looking for helpful advice as I am totally commited to doing whatever I can to salvage my marriage. If you feel the need to tell me divorce is my only answer - please go elsewhere as divorce is not what I'm here for.
So, as I said, it's been 2-1/2 weeks... I'll give you the background story and I apologize in advance as this will most likely end up being more of a novel than a simple post. Oh - and I suck at grammer/spelling and am notorious for run-on sentances/paragraphs - so be warned!
My husband and I have been married for 2 years - together for about 10, literally living together since the first day we started dating and have known each other for 15 years. We did take a break 7 years ago due to an PA on my part. At the time (and I am not trying to make excuses, more trying to explain what led to this in the first place. I know my actions were inexcusable, selfish and downright horrible and I was lucky to be forgiven in the first place) we were dating for 3 years and for about a year prior to this happening I began to feel neglected. I felt as if his friends and his time with them were more important than I. I also felt that I was bearing the responsibilty for everything, and when I say everything - I mean it. He would at the time give me money to pay bills, more often than not it was not enough money to cover his share and I would have to cover the remaining amounts. So bills and their paying was all handled by me. Housework - all done by me. Yardwork - all done by me. Maintaing vehicles, home repairs - what I was capable of was done by myself and if I was not capable my family or friends would help me out. I began to resent him for the lack of help/support/whatever you want to label it and I stupidly went in search of someone who told me all the things I wanted to hear and who seemed to actually enjoy my prescense. What began as an EA led to a PA. Please know that I was NEVER in love with the OM but relished the attention he gave me. my husband (boyfriend at the time) eventually discovered the affair and moved out of our home for 3 months to clear his head in an attempt to resolve not only our issues with our relationship but to give each other the space to resolve our own personal issues on each side that led to the affair. After he left I resigned myself to become the best possible girlfriend I could ever be. I did everything and everything I could to make sure he would return home and that when he did our relationship would be better than ever. I once again took on the role of all round caretaker (for lack of a better phrase) that I had resented - I didn't care, at that time I wanted my boyfriend back no matter what and hoped that after the horrible expierence I brought on us that we would both learn and grow/change from it. I thought we would so I kept on waiting.
The years went by and we seemed to be closer than ever (thou looking back I guess that may not have been the case). We decided we would get married - sadly the day was slightly marred by my RX addicted father running out of his fix and having to be taken to a rehab facility, do you ever wonder if some things are a sign of more trouble to come?
I thought we were happy as husband and wife. I am an introvert while he is an extrovert and we seemed to balance that out nicely - once again, so I thought. While I did not feel he was helping me with household related things as much I thought he should, he himself thought he was even thou I voiced my concerns multitudes of times. Slowly it seemed as if we started to drift apart and naievly I thought this was normal, just a bump in the road of marriage, but I guess not.
Earlier this year he started to drift more and more. He rarely called or texted me, started going out to the bar with his friends and not inviting me, when not going out with his friends he would constantly have them over to our house till very late in the evening/early morning hours leaving us with almost no time together for ourselves. I voiced my concerns in light hearted ways - afraid of pushing him away further.
In June I had an accident which dislocated my elbow, tore all the ligaments at the elbow and broke a small piece of the bone off. At first the Doc didn't think the injury too severe and it wasn't until 3 weeks after the injury occured that the Doc took back his original diagnosis and said I may have to have surgery to repair the injury and either way, with or without the surgery I would loose a vast majority of the movement in that arm. At this time I was unable to do even the simplest of things, I couldn't even fasten my own bra let alone cook, clean, do yard work or work on vehicles and let my husband know that I really needed him to step up and help me - which he said he had no problem doing. Well, nothing got done. Barely any help was given - it got to where he was agitated by my waking him to fasten said bra so I could go to work. In one way I guess this was a good thing because it pushed me to get my arm back to normal without surgery (for we have no insurance). After 7 weeks I was back doing everything I was doing before, either using only one arm or dealing with the elbow occasionally dislocating - here is where my resentment began to bloom.
It was also at this time when my husband came to me and informed me he thought he was having a midlife crisis. I was very skeptical to this as he is only 31 and I 30. He told me he wasn't happy with how his life was turning out. He didn't want to live in the area, was unhappy with what little money he made and the fact that he felt like he constantly mooched off of me. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said no. I asked him if we were going to be ok - he said he hoped so. I asked what I could do to help make the situation better - he said he didn't know if there was anything I could do. He said he felt like we hadn't been connected emotionally for a long time, that I didn't give him the affection he needed - emotional or physically. Not knowing what to do I just decided to march on. We decided we would have one dedicated date night a week, just the two of us and keep "working" on it from there.
Our first date night a female friend (who has her own boyfriend) of his called at 9pm and asked that he go with her to pick someone up from the airport with her 2 hours away. I foolishly told him to go, half using stupid women's reverse logic and half knowing that if he didn't go he'd be talking/texting with her on the phone the remainder of the evening. He left to go with her even after I told him how much I didn't want him to go.
After this and despite my feelings of resentment for various things I once again poured myself into doing everything I could for our relationship. Instead of giving what I thought was 100% I tried even harder. It got to where the last 2 months we were together were admittantly the best of out relationship. Then I looked at the cell phone bills.
Both of our phones were in my name. I didn't opt for detailed billing so I didn't pay attention to who we were talking to. I noticed that we were starting to go over our minutes and were starting to use up all of our rollover minutes. I expressed to him that I thought me needed to upgrade our plan and let him know that I was going to do so. A week later I logged on to our account and noticed 90% of all minutes were being used by him calling the same number. I thought prehaps the number was his sister as she likes to call him constanly. When I asked who it was it turned out to be the same girl he left me on our first date night to hang out with. I was sick. I went off. I saw how he spent a majority of his time constanting talking to this girl when he would barely call me. And if he wasn't talking with her then they were texting. He assures me this girl is just a good friend and that he would never/has never slept with her (this I truely believe as that is not who he is). He tells me that this girl is a destroyer of men and he would never want to date her. He also tells me that they have talked/texted this much on and off for the last 2 years since we were married. I told him I thought this was the deserved karma for what I had done to him.
This argument lasted 3 days culminating with him deciding that it would be best if we seperated. He says that it's noy just her that is out problem, she is merely a symptom. He tells me that I have been the best wife that anyone could hope for, that I never gave anything less than 110% (his own works). He tells me that it's mostly him - that he doesn't understand why he treats me the way he does and that I don't deserve to be treated this way.
I didn't know what else to do. He wanted space to figure himself and our marriage out. I was scared that if we remained together that me being there would somehow make it worse. I told him that a seperation was not what I wanted, that I took a vow of "for better or worse" and that when times were worse a married couple was supposed to work even harder together to fix it. I gave him what he wanted but not in the way he expected. I think he expected me to kick him out but I didn't. I left. I packed all my things (99% of the furnishings and household items I brought into our relationship - he brought the 2 tv's). I took everything, minus the couch, a desk, a cabinet, a vacuum, a set of plates, cutlery and pots and pans - some because I could easily replace them if necessary and some because they just wouldn't fit into the storage locker I rented. I moved in with family 3 days before our 2nd marriage anniversary and have been with them ever since.
He said we would meet on Tuesday evenings and try to work things out and hopefully from there we could start "dating" again. He said he doesn't want a divorce - that he hopes we come out of this husband and wife 2.0 version. When I left he said he would call me every day. That lasted 4 days. A few times he called and I was admittantly angry and purposefully/childishly ignored his phone calls.
We met on the 1st Tuesday (our anniversary) to go out to dinner, during which I found out the following day that he and the girl were texting back and forth during.
We met last Tuesday to go over bills and the money he owes me. I got my name off of our rental lease and all our utilities put solely in his name. We never had a joint bank account so that wasn't an issue. The only thing that remains in both our names is the car insurance. We discussed a payment plan for him to repay me and just kind of "hung out" for a while afterwards.
When I was leaving I told him that I missed him and he said he missed me, too. He also told me that I could call him anytime to talk. That was almost a week ago and he's answered 1 of the 4 times I've called.
So, that's where we are. I see him again tomorrow and know not what to expect. I hate not knowing what he's doing or thinking. I'm scared that he's going to forget about me. I'm scared that he might decide that his life is better off without me. I'm not one who easily lets people in and I'm scared I'm going to lose the person I love the most. I already feel like my heart is gone. I've taken my wedding ring off as I don't feel right wearing it when he seems more invested in a relationship (be it extremely close friends) with a woman other than myself. I'm scared I'm acting like a hypocrite being so upset with their relationship after what I did to him 7 years ago. I'm just so very scared.
If you've made it this far in reading, thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this - I knew it would be a novel.
Please, if you have any positive thoughts, opinions, suggestions or whatever, please post them - I appreciate whatever you can give me.
So, as I said, it's been 2-1/2 weeks... I'll give you the background story and I apologize in advance as this will most likely end up being more of a novel than a simple post. Oh - and I suck at grammer/spelling and am notorious for run-on sentances/paragraphs - so be warned!
My husband and I have been married for 2 years - together for about 10, literally living together since the first day we started dating and have known each other for 15 years. We did take a break 7 years ago due to an PA on my part. At the time (and I am not trying to make excuses, more trying to explain what led to this in the first place. I know my actions were inexcusable, selfish and downright horrible and I was lucky to be forgiven in the first place) we were dating for 3 years and for about a year prior to this happening I began to feel neglected. I felt as if his friends and his time with them were more important than I. I also felt that I was bearing the responsibilty for everything, and when I say everything - I mean it. He would at the time give me money to pay bills, more often than not it was not enough money to cover his share and I would have to cover the remaining amounts. So bills and their paying was all handled by me. Housework - all done by me. Yardwork - all done by me. Maintaing vehicles, home repairs - what I was capable of was done by myself and if I was not capable my family or friends would help me out. I began to resent him for the lack of help/support/whatever you want to label it and I stupidly went in search of someone who told me all the things I wanted to hear and who seemed to actually enjoy my prescense. What began as an EA led to a PA. Please know that I was NEVER in love with the OM but relished the attention he gave me. my husband (boyfriend at the time) eventually discovered the affair and moved out of our home for 3 months to clear his head in an attempt to resolve not only our issues with our relationship but to give each other the space to resolve our own personal issues on each side that led to the affair. After he left I resigned myself to become the best possible girlfriend I could ever be. I did everything and everything I could to make sure he would return home and that when he did our relationship would be better than ever. I once again took on the role of all round caretaker (for lack of a better phrase) that I had resented - I didn't care, at that time I wanted my boyfriend back no matter what and hoped that after the horrible expierence I brought on us that we would both learn and grow/change from it. I thought we would so I kept on waiting.
The years went by and we seemed to be closer than ever (thou looking back I guess that may not have been the case). We decided we would get married - sadly the day was slightly marred by my RX addicted father running out of his fix and having to be taken to a rehab facility, do you ever wonder if some things are a sign of more trouble to come?
I thought we were happy as husband and wife. I am an introvert while he is an extrovert and we seemed to balance that out nicely - once again, so I thought. While I did not feel he was helping me with household related things as much I thought he should, he himself thought he was even thou I voiced my concerns multitudes of times. Slowly it seemed as if we started to drift apart and naievly I thought this was normal, just a bump in the road of marriage, but I guess not.
Earlier this year he started to drift more and more. He rarely called or texted me, started going out to the bar with his friends and not inviting me, when not going out with his friends he would constantly have them over to our house till very late in the evening/early morning hours leaving us with almost no time together for ourselves. I voiced my concerns in light hearted ways - afraid of pushing him away further.
In June I had an accident which dislocated my elbow, tore all the ligaments at the elbow and broke a small piece of the bone off. At first the Doc didn't think the injury too severe and it wasn't until 3 weeks after the injury occured that the Doc took back his original diagnosis and said I may have to have surgery to repair the injury and either way, with or without the surgery I would loose a vast majority of the movement in that arm. At this time I was unable to do even the simplest of things, I couldn't even fasten my own bra let alone cook, clean, do yard work or work on vehicles and let my husband know that I really needed him to step up and help me - which he said he had no problem doing. Well, nothing got done. Barely any help was given - it got to where he was agitated by my waking him to fasten said bra so I could go to work. In one way I guess this was a good thing because it pushed me to get my arm back to normal without surgery (for we have no insurance). After 7 weeks I was back doing everything I was doing before, either using only one arm or dealing with the elbow occasionally dislocating - here is where my resentment began to bloom.
It was also at this time when my husband came to me and informed me he thought he was having a midlife crisis. I was very skeptical to this as he is only 31 and I 30. He told me he wasn't happy with how his life was turning out. He didn't want to live in the area, was unhappy with what little money he made and the fact that he felt like he constantly mooched off of me. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said no. I asked him if we were going to be ok - he said he hoped so. I asked what I could do to help make the situation better - he said he didn't know if there was anything I could do. He said he felt like we hadn't been connected emotionally for a long time, that I didn't give him the affection he needed - emotional or physically. Not knowing what to do I just decided to march on. We decided we would have one dedicated date night a week, just the two of us and keep "working" on it from there.
Our first date night a female friend (who has her own boyfriend) of his called at 9pm and asked that he go with her to pick someone up from the airport with her 2 hours away. I foolishly told him to go, half using stupid women's reverse logic and half knowing that if he didn't go he'd be talking/texting with her on the phone the remainder of the evening. He left to go with her even after I told him how much I didn't want him to go.
After this and despite my feelings of resentment for various things I once again poured myself into doing everything I could for our relationship. Instead of giving what I thought was 100% I tried even harder. It got to where the last 2 months we were together were admittantly the best of out relationship. Then I looked at the cell phone bills.
Both of our phones were in my name. I didn't opt for detailed billing so I didn't pay attention to who we were talking to. I noticed that we were starting to go over our minutes and were starting to use up all of our rollover minutes. I expressed to him that I thought me needed to upgrade our plan and let him know that I was going to do so. A week later I logged on to our account and noticed 90% of all minutes were being used by him calling the same number. I thought prehaps the number was his sister as she likes to call him constanly. When I asked who it was it turned out to be the same girl he left me on our first date night to hang out with. I was sick. I went off. I saw how he spent a majority of his time constanting talking to this girl when he would barely call me. And if he wasn't talking with her then they were texting. He assures me this girl is just a good friend and that he would never/has never slept with her (this I truely believe as that is not who he is). He tells me that this girl is a destroyer of men and he would never want to date her. He also tells me that they have talked/texted this much on and off for the last 2 years since we were married. I told him I thought this was the deserved karma for what I had done to him.
This argument lasted 3 days culminating with him deciding that it would be best if we seperated. He says that it's noy just her that is out problem, she is merely a symptom. He tells me that I have been the best wife that anyone could hope for, that I never gave anything less than 110% (his own works). He tells me that it's mostly him - that he doesn't understand why he treats me the way he does and that I don't deserve to be treated this way.
I didn't know what else to do. He wanted space to figure himself and our marriage out. I was scared that if we remained together that me being there would somehow make it worse. I told him that a seperation was not what I wanted, that I took a vow of "for better or worse" and that when times were worse a married couple was supposed to work even harder together to fix it. I gave him what he wanted but not in the way he expected. I think he expected me to kick him out but I didn't. I left. I packed all my things (99% of the furnishings and household items I brought into our relationship - he brought the 2 tv's). I took everything, minus the couch, a desk, a cabinet, a vacuum, a set of plates, cutlery and pots and pans - some because I could easily replace them if necessary and some because they just wouldn't fit into the storage locker I rented. I moved in with family 3 days before our 2nd marriage anniversary and have been with them ever since.
He said we would meet on Tuesday evenings and try to work things out and hopefully from there we could start "dating" again. He said he doesn't want a divorce - that he hopes we come out of this husband and wife 2.0 version. When I left he said he would call me every day. That lasted 4 days. A few times he called and I was admittantly angry and purposefully/childishly ignored his phone calls.
We met on the 1st Tuesday (our anniversary) to go out to dinner, during which I found out the following day that he and the girl were texting back and forth during.
We met last Tuesday to go over bills and the money he owes me. I got my name off of our rental lease and all our utilities put solely in his name. We never had a joint bank account so that wasn't an issue. The only thing that remains in both our names is the car insurance. We discussed a payment plan for him to repay me and just kind of "hung out" for a while afterwards.
When I was leaving I told him that I missed him and he said he missed me, too. He also told me that I could call him anytime to talk. That was almost a week ago and he's answered 1 of the 4 times I've called.
So, that's where we are. I see him again tomorrow and know not what to expect. I hate not knowing what he's doing or thinking. I'm scared that he's going to forget about me. I'm scared that he might decide that his life is better off without me. I'm not one who easily lets people in and I'm scared I'm going to lose the person I love the most. I already feel like my heart is gone. I've taken my wedding ring off as I don't feel right wearing it when he seems more invested in a relationship (be it extremely close friends) with a woman other than myself. I'm scared I'm acting like a hypocrite being so upset with their relationship after what I did to him 7 years ago. I'm just so very scared.
If you've made it this far in reading, thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this - I knew it would be a novel.
Please, if you have any positive thoughts, opinions, suggestions or whatever, please post them - I appreciate whatever you can give me.
