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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok so here is my story. Sorry for the lengthiness but I figure you need to know it all.

Im a 24 yr old married male (separated at the moment) I met my wife in high school and we started dating 03/03/07 my senior year (she graduated year prior). We knew of each other and hung out few times in group settings prior but went official on date above. Before we ever met I have some “experiences” with men and seeked out sexual acts that way. I always believed in my heart that I took the easy route to get off sexually. I never considered myself gay but bisexual if anything. I was molested by a male cousin when I was 8-9 and this could have had some insight on my late teenage experiences. I was never in a real relationship with anyone prior to my wife and after a month of dating we were pregnant. I started college in Aug 07 and our daughter was born Nov 07. I cheated on her 9 days after with a guy 1 time. She found out that night though an email I sent. We kissed and made up and we got past it. This is where the barrier of trust was broken though and she has always had trust problems with any relationship because she has been hurt so many times. We had our own experiences in bed room and had a great sex life. I was faithful to my wife until Nov16 2012 (5 years together 1.5 married) and we are now separated. We were married may 11’ and had our struggles being young with finances and having a young child. I worked and she took care of our daughter. She went through a very serious brain disease that required surgery in Oct of 09’ and took over 1.5 years to diagnose. SOOO through all this I ask myself why I cheated on my very sexy wife. Did I do it because I really want to be with a guy? My answer is NO. I want my wife forever and ever. I consider myself bisexual and like just a few things done to me. I am very open sexually and would try anything once. Were we in a rut sexually? NO! It all happened sooo fast. Thursday I looked at porn on my cell phone and Friday I setup an email and cheated on her during my lunch break. We had sex over the weekend then Monday I went to a porn store and cheated on her and she found out right after I did it because I was so shaky on the phone with her and couldn’t keep it together. I tried to cover it up on the phone but let it all out. After she found all this out and we talked about everything over the next week or so she said she couldn’t be in this with me anymore. From this point forward in her mind we were not together and would be on the path to the big D eventually even though we expressed love for each other still and would want to make it work at a later point in life. The 1st month it was all about us not being together or attempting reconciling. We agreed I would go to therapy and talk these issues out especially about sexual identity because she is just distraught that I am fully gay and was just living a double life or a lie this whole time. Over the next month we talked more and I expressed that I wanted her back as my wife and wanted to reconcile. She wants to do this but not at this time. She needs to see that necessary changes in me. I am working on this and will not give up without a strong fighting chance. I have been to therapist 3 times and am going weekly. Its helping somewhat and I think with more time it can help more. I want to get to the point of her wanting to say….OK NOW…. I am ready to start the R process together.

Soo this is where it gets tricky. I cheated on her with OM. We separated. She started talking to an ex coworker of mine a month after the affair occurred. She reached out to him initially to ask things like would you ever believe he would do this ect. He was there for her comforted her and made her feel good about each day. This was the beginning of Dec. She told me the day she reached out to him and was honest with me. He was driving a truck with a CDL throughout the country and they would text a lot. We had to move out of the house we were in Jan 24th and this whole situation make it more complicated bc I basically threw her and my daughter under the bus and now they needed to find a place to live and she didn’t have a job bc I worked and made the money. I would contribute everything to pay for a place but now she was concerned with my commitment to keep them afloat each month. I made the stupid suggestion for him to be her roommate if they were truly just friends. Well they talked about this and tried to see if it would work. He quit his job as a driver come back and was staying with his parents, brothers, and friends. My wife asked if she could go to lunch with him I said no problem (they were friends) she told me after how well he treated her. Opened then car door, pulled out her chair, payed for lunch. Fast forward a about 2 weeks. Christmas day we are together with my daughter trying to hold it together for her and our plan was for me to move back to my parents after the holiday. Well we had a huge argument and fight xmas day and she left to go to her parents house and I went to mine. We talked later and saw each other that night. I was out of the house dec 25th and he came and stayed at the house dec 27-jan4th. Throughout this I had to hear how well he treated her and did the dishes ect. She was happy with him. He made her feel wanted, loved, and cared for. I know she needed this, but it hurt me for it to happen so soon and with him. All this is very frustrating to me bc its so soon, but at the same time I cheated on her and in her eyes we were done. Its was very tough bc there was so much going on with trying to move her trying to find a job ect. I got very jealous and stalker like. She went to the movies on night with him. I drove by the house to confirm his truck was there one night. I even came over to the house during that week after work 2 times to drop off something and do something to one of the cars. Well Friday jan 4th it all blew up with pushing efforts from her mom and sister they did not want this guy at the house with her and our daughter. I went in there that night kind of like a Natzie Friday night jan 4th and made a sceen and said ok chose him or your daughter to stay here. I made him leave and had my mother in law take our daughter for the night. We fought kicked and screamed afterwards. She said I took the only thing that made her happy away from her ect. This whole time and that whole week I would ask her so have you kissed him or anything ect, with always a response as a no. Saturday jan 5th we talked, not all going so well, mainly dwelling on what has happened in last month ect. Well she went to bathroom and I looked at her phone and read her texts to him and I found out that they were defiantly in some r/s. maybe it was puppy love but it was like “hey sweety” “ I miss you “ “cant sleep without you nect to me” ect. I confronted her and she slowly told me it all. He kissed her. They drank a little one night and then had sex. They did everything physical with each other multiple times that week. I stayed till that Thursday and then Friday he stayed with her and Saturday. They had more sexual adventures (no sex she said but other things) over the next 3 days then I was back staying there Sunday. I helped her move to a rent house this weekend and have been with her helping out with move, her, and my daughter.

So WTF do I do now. All I can think of is give her the space she needs. Keep fighting for her. Go to therapy, make the changes I need in my life for her and my daughter, and hope she will realize she doesn’t want this “fling” as she calls it.

Please give me insight, advice, questions.

AHHH so lost everyday. i even feel bad posting this without her knowing because of the trust i have broken. should i tell her tonight i posted this?
 

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You are all over the place emotionally. Try to break things down so that you can takes things a step at a time.

The first issue, in my opinion, is the question of your sexuality. You should find some professional help to decide definitively what your orientation is. I assume that you will scream here that you already know that you are bi, but rest assured that your W doesn't believe that and will not decide to R with you, essentially making a lifetime commitment, unless you both are as clear on it as possible.
 

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Before we ever met I have some “experiences” with men and seeked out sexual acts that way. I always believed in my heart that I took the easy route to get off sexually. I never considered myself gay but bisexual if anything.
Your a victim of the times, you grew up in an era when many, many, young people embraced this same sex behavior as normal... trendy; females being the worst offenders of this nonsense (fortunately we haven't heard a man singing 'I kissed a boy and I liked it').

Whether you're truly gay by nature, or acquired a taste for it through repeated exposure, is irrelevant at this point, you sought out sex with someone other than your wife and that makes you dishonest. Add to that, that your dishonesty isn't limited to 50% of the adult population, but rather 100% of it; that's a hard pill for a spouse to swallow.

You suggested your wife's 'friend', a male, be roommates. Are you kidding me? Let me tell you what I think happened here. I think, that without you consciously being aware of it, you, under the gay fog, somehow forgot how inherently natural it is for people of opposite sexes to do what they're basic instincts tell them to do... procreate! You must have somehow seen them through the gay lens of male and female prancing around in their underwear, living together, but completely uninterested in each other. Unbelievable.

Drop the bi-sexual label, figure out what you are, straight or gay, work from that starting point.

T
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
My W has always been very open and honest with me and alwasy communicated well with me (me not so much). I was told they were friends and thats it. She needed help with rent ect that would be coming up. So I trusted her with this scenario but it obviously developed with them quickly. I think it was more of her feeling so unwanted by what i did and there was an emotional void that was filled by him and then it became physical with more comfort in that week. i think it was a little revenge on her end. She has since in the last week or so told me she doesnt want to be with him it was just a friend, a fling, revenge and she is talking to him less and me more. I am trying not to ask to much about it because i get jealious and it makes it harder for me to focus on working on my own issues that I brought to our marriage.

I feel a little like the victim of the times. I also feel like im a sexual person that isnt really afraid of trying new things. T you are very right in the fact that i need to find a definitely line of what i feel. GAY or STRAIGHT and go from there.
 

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You need serious counseling. You also seem to gloss over how much you've cheated on her.
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Jasel - your right, I need serious counseling before doing anything. I dont want to make myself out to be a victim at all or gloss over what i did. I chose to go outside my marraige and break the vow i took. I am to blame for the consequences of my actions and what it caused her to do. I cheated on her 5 years ago, 1 time with someone i didnt know lasted 30 minutes in all, then 2 months ago it happened twice lasted 10 min or less, although the time or length or that is was someone i didnt know doesnt change the action. I never spoke with them again or tried to reach out. It was a hookup. I am trying to understand my situation and especially from her POV. I was in a great R/S with her and still want to be in the future after some professional help and hard work. Right now I know counseling is my first step. I cant be trusted by her and i know that. I hate that about myself and what i have caused. I dont want to be labeled as a liar and in fact i am right now. i want to change that. counselingis the first step and open commincation with her and anyone i talk to will help i believe.
 

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.. I cheated on her 5 years ago, 1 time with someone i didnt know lasted 30 minutes in all, then 2 months ago it happened twice lasted 10 min or less, although the time or length or that is was someone i didnt know doesnt change the action. I never spoke with them again or tried to reach out. It was a hookup...
To you these are snapshots of time, fleeting really, and it was 'just sex' with someone you 'didn't know.'

The huge problem here is that what is a snap of the fingers and meaningless to a cheater actually destroys the heart of the person they say they love.

These were hookups to you, but you must see now that they have lasting meaning to your W & really, really serious consequences for you.

So....not so meaningless, not just hookups, not just sex.
 

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T you are very right in the fact that i need to find a definitely line of what i feel. GAY or STRAIGHT and go from there.
I think a good way to start your examination of your own sexuality is to consider exactly what it is you imagine most often when you masturbate; that would be a pretty good indicator of the truth.

T
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
T... my therapist said the same thing. I told her well I usually always look at porn or even pictures of my wife. She asked me though, if you didnt have any help and it was just me and my mind what would I think of. I told her it doesnt happen that way for me. Maybe a handful of times since I started masturbating, but thinking back on those times and what I would do today if I didnt use any outside help would be the amzing times I had with my wife. The adventurous we did it somewhere different, or a time she dress up in lingerie, or called me to come home early from work just to her in bed. Those are the things I think of. I think of her and her gorgeous body. I don't ever go down the path of thinking of guys or their P***s. My experiences with guys was always me getting anal. I think is pleasurable and even with my wife we have explored toys and things while we have sex. It makes for an incredible orgasm. It was never a must have for me but something I enjoyed and we explored together even.
 

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Ok, you cheated.

She cheat too.

The OM clearly saw fresh easy meat and went in for the kill. He's a true scum bag for taking advantage of a distraught woman like you wife.

You should expose him wide and far as a scumbag who does take adbvantage of women.

Never accept him being around your kid or in your home ever again.
 

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And Cormier you have to realize something.

Whether you are straight, gay or bi you married your wife. You made a vow. You broke it. You cheated.

So everyone is right that you have to get your sexual orientation straight not just for you but for your wife.

What you did was wrong. What your wife is doing is wrong.

And two wrongs equal a messed up marriage.

Get your sh!t straight. Support your family. And go to a professional to sort out your marital issues not just for you but for your wife and daughter.

HM64
 
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