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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Ok so here is my story. Sorry for the lengthiness but I figure you need to know it all.

Im a 24 yr old married male (separated at the moment) I met my wife in high school and we started dating 03/03/07 my senior year (she graduated year prior). We knew of each other and hung out few times in group settings prior but went official on date above. Before we ever met I have some “experiences” with men and seeked out sexual acts that way. I always believed in my heart that I took the easy route to get off sexually. I never considered myself gay but bisexual if anything. I was molested by a male cousin when I was 8-9 and this could have had some insight on my late teenage experiences. I was never in a real relationship with anyone prior to my wife and after a month of dating we were pregnant. I started college in Aug 07 and our daughter was born Nov 07. I cheated on her 9 days after with a guy 1 time. She found out that night though an email I sent. We kissed and made up and we got past it. This is where the barrier of trust was broken though and she has always had trust problems with any relationship because she has been hurt so many times. We had our own experiences in bed room and had a great sex life. I was faithful to my wife until Nov16 2012 (5 years together 1.5 married) and we are now separated. We were married may 11’ and had our struggles being young with finances and having a young child. I worked and she took care of our daughter. She went through a very serious brain disease that required surgery in Oct of 09’ and took over 1.5 years to diagnose. SOOO through all this I ask myself why I cheated on my very sexy wife. Did I do it because I really want to be with a guy? My answer is NO. I want my wife forever and ever. I consider myself bisexual and like just a few things done to me. I am very open sexually and would try anything once. Were we in a rut sexually? NO! It all happened sooo fast. Thursday I looked at porn on my cell phone and Friday I setup an email and cheated on her during my lunch break. We had sex over the weekend then Monday I went to a porn store and cheated on her and she found out right after I did it because I was so shaky on the phone with her and couldn’t keep it together. I tried to cover it up on the phone but let it all out. After she found all this out and we talked about everything over the next week or so she said she couldn’t be in this with me anymore. From this point forward in her mind we were not together and would be on the path to the big D eventually even though we expressed love for each other still and would want to make it work at a later point in life. The 1st month it was all about us not being together or attempting reconciling. We agreed I would go to therapy and talk these issues out especially about sexual identity because she is just distraught that I am fully gay and was just living a double life or a lie this whole time. Over the next month we talked more and I expressed that I wanted her back as my wife and wanted to reconcile. She wants to do this but not at this time. She needs to see that necessary changes in me. I am working on this and will not give up without a strong fighting chance. I have been to therapist 3 times and am going weekly. Its helping somewhat and I think with more time it can help more. I want to get to the point of her wanting to say….OK NOW…. I am ready to start the R process together.

Soo this is where it gets tricky. I cheated on her with OM. We separated. She started talking to an ex coworker of mine a month after the affair occurred. She reached out to him initially to ask things like would you ever believe he would do this ect. He was there for her comforted her and made her feel good about each day. This was the beginning of Dec. She told me the day she reached out to him and was honest with me. He was driving a truck with a CDL throughout the country and they would text a lot. We had to move out of the house we were in Jan 24th and this whole situation make it more complicated bc I basically threw her and my daughter under the bus and now they needed to find a place to live and she didn’t have a job bc I worked and made the money. I would contribute everything to pay for a place but now she was concerned with my commitment to keep them afloat each month. I made the stupid suggestion for him to be her roommate if they were truly just friends. Well they talked about this and tried to see if it would work. He quit his job as a driver come back and was staying with his parents, brothers, and friends. My wife asked if she could go to lunch with him I said no problem (they were friends) she told me after how well he treated her. Opened then car door, pulled out her chair, payed for lunch. Fast forward a about 2 weeks. Christmas day we are together with my daughter trying to hold it together for her and our plan was for me to move back to my parents after the holiday. Well we had a huge argument and fight xmas day and she left to go to her parents house and I went to mine. We talked later and saw each other that night. I was out of the house dec 25th and he came and stayed at the house dec 27-jan4th. Throughout this I had to hear how well he treated her and did the dishes ect. She was happy with him. He made her feel wanted, loved, and cared for. I know she needed this, but it hurt me for it to happen so soon and with him. All this is very frustrating to me bc its so soon, but at the same time I cheated on her and in her eyes we were done. Its was very tough bc there was so much going on with trying to move her trying to find a job ect. I got very jealous and stalker like. She went to the movies on night with him. I drove by the house to confirm his truck was there one night. I even came over to the house during that week after work 2 times to drop off something and do something to one of the cars. Well Friday jan 4th it all blew up with pushing efforts from her mom and sister they did not want this guy at the house with her and our daughter. I went in there that night kind of like a Natzie Friday night jan 4th and made a sceen and said ok chose him or your daughter to stay here. I made him leave and had my mother in law take our daughter for the night. We fought kicked and screamed afterwards. She said I took the only thing that made her happy away from her ect. This whole time and that whole week I would ask her so have you kissed him or anything ect, with always a response as a no. Saturday jan 5th we talked, not all going so well, mainly dwelling on what has happened in last month ect. Well she went to bathroom and I looked at her phone and read her texts to him and I found out that they were defiantly in some r/s. maybe it was puppy love but it was like “hey sweety” “ I miss you “ “cant sleep without you nect to me” ect. I confronted her and she slowly told me it all. He kissed her. They drank a little one night and then had sex. They did everything physical with each other multiple times that week. I stayed till that Thursday and then Friday he stayed with her and Saturday. They had more sexual adventures (no sex she said but other things) over the next 3 days then I was back staying there Sunday. I helped her move to a rent house this weekend and have been with her helping out with move, her, and my daughter.

So WTF do I do now. All I can think of is give her the space she needs. Keep fighting for her. Go to therapy, make the changes I need in my life for her and my daughter, and hope she will realize she doesn’t want this “fling” as she calls it.

Please give me insight, advice, questions.

AHHH so lost everyday. i even feel bad posting this without her knowing because of the trust i have broken. should i tell her tonight i posted this?
 

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You believe you're bisexual but you vowed to live a heterosexual lifestyle with only one woman. Either you were deceiving yourself or your wife. Your body is married but your mind isn't. Did you propose marriage before or after you learned she was pregnant? You gave her very little reason to remain faithful. You certainly weren't being faithful. If she wants out, you've given her more than ample reasons.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Point taken about me giving her ample reason to leave and be unfaithful. Even though on paper we are married but officially seperated she doesnt think what she is doing is wrong. I guess shes right i wasnt faithful.

I didnt propose till jan 3 2009. we were togehter almost 2 years before i proposed and another 2 years before we married because we waiting till i graduated college.
 

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You cheated on your wife.
Then you let another man take your wife.

I'm not sure there's anything you can do at this point except work on you. She's in the beginning of a new relationship so she's all excited about the new guy. It will be hard to get through that.

Do not let her know about this site.
 

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When I read your story, sexual deviant comes to mind. If these are the kind of activities you enjoy, then by all means seek them out. But please do the mother of your child a favor, and let her be free to pursue another relationship with someone who will respect her.
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You have proven that you are not trustworthy in marriage in your current state
Your wife is now a cheater and in the fog
You engage in sex with males and females

You are a father and a very valuable person to your daughter
Get lots of help and go to work on youself immediately!
Do not waste your time trying to change your wife
You can be of great influence and help to your daughter if you sacrifice and make up your mind to get better and then DO IT!!
 
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