Talk About Marriage banner

41 - 60 of 62 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,313 Posts
It’s worse to have your kids exposed to his chaos.

file divorce papers and state the kids need protection from him because he doesn’t stay sober.

request child support and spousal support.

start looking for a good job. You need to let people know you need help right now and for a short while until you get things in order.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
He has to be at a place he is happy sober. I know from experience. I'm an addict and I know that drugs or drinking only mask things. Being sober is the only way he can heal. You cant make it happen. Yet you can be supportive either with him or at a distance. My first divorce ended badly. Yet we did becone friends for a bit. And that helped us both. Good luck. God bless.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #43 ·
Hello everyone,
I am back. I am still separated from my husband. His mother was nice and paid for my education and even paid for my sister’s education (there are more to the story but it’s the fact that she helped and I am extremely grateful for it). It comes with a price. She has been involved in every aspect of my marriage. I have been afraid to go against her wishes because she helped me and I feel forever indebted to her. Her son cannot make any independent decision without her. She used money to help her daughter and son in law too but she expected him to come “help” whenever she needed and the lack of boundaries ruined their relationship. My brother in law warned me that my mother in law would use money to manipulate people in her life but I do think she is nice , just lack of healthy boundaries. She would see an opportunity to “help” and used money to “rescue” and expect the person to return her “kindness” and she only expressed her wish of getting something in return after the fact that she helped. She would remind you about it over and over for the rest of your life.
My spouse is still actively drinking after a temporary effort of stopping. My mother in law called me and told me that I am not entitled to anything that my husband has (company, 401k, house, other assets) because she helped paying for the education and it’s the nice thing to do to leave without any money (I have small kids to raise). I did contribute to paying the mortgage and he did live off my income for a while at the beginning while he was building his company. He also blowed away a good portion to gambling. I am not greedy and will do what is right but I want to know what are my rights ? What is fair? Is she right? She has been calling me over this subject many times. When I cried and asked her to stop nagging about money , she would make comment like “you always act like you are hurt . Are you Ms. perfect ?”. I am hurt and confused.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,828 Posts
So your husband is an alcoholic, he’s a gambler, and he’s on tinder looking to cheat.

My advice is this:
See an attorney. Divorce now.
Do NOT try to be fair in the divorce. Your husband was not and is not fair to you. The debt you know about is the tip of the iceberg.
Do not talk to his mother or him again, excite through an attorney.
You have two children to think of, it’s not your place to cut him some slack over some BS like your mother-in-law is doing, which is horrible.

See an attorney, set yourself and your feelings aside and let the attorney do their thing.

An alcoholic, gambler that cheats. That’s about as bad as it gets. RUN
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,056 Posts
You MIL has NO say in the division of assets or money. Your LAWYERS will help you with all that.
Don't "give up" money that you are entitled to in the divorce just because SHE says so.
You DO have to think of your kids first and foremost.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,722 Posts
You MIL has NO say in the division of assets or money. Your LAWYERS will help you with all that.
Don't "give up" money that you are entitled to in the divorce just because SHE says so.
You DO have to think of your kids first and foremost.
Quoting for emphasis. THIS THIS THIS!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #47 ·
So your husband is an alcoholic, he’s a gambler, and he’s on tinder looking to cheat.

My advice is this:
See an attorney. Divorce now.
Do NOT try to be fair in the divorce. Your husband was not and is not fair to you. The debt you know about is the tip of the iceberg.
Do not talk to his mother or him again, excite through an attorney.
You have two children to think of, it’s not your place to cut him some slack over some BS like your mother-in-law is doing, which is horrible.

See an attorney, set yourself and your feelings aside and let the attorney do their thing.

An alcoholic, gambler that cheats. That’s about as bad as it gets. RUN
Thank you. I am so unhealthy in the mind because I actually think my MIL is right about the money so I agreed to sign over the house to her and she told me “it’s great” in the most cold hearted voice. It’s really bothering to me. I have not signed anything yet so it’s still fixable. I feel so indebted to my MIL because she paid for my college. I am in therapy to deal with this whole situation. My MIL is very overbearing, controlling and it’s her way or the highway. I am stressed talking to her. I am very hurt but I also think of my kids. They love their grandmother and their dad so much. I want to keep everyone as happy as possible to reduce the bad talks in front of my kids. I am willing to let go of relationship to just stay separate to raise my kids. I have opened my own account and put a small amount of money in case of emergency .
I am in a mental prison that I can’t seem to escape. I have been married to this family since I was 19. I am scared.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,828 Posts
You need an attorney.
Do NOT sign or do anything without an attorney’s approval.
Your mother-in-law will do everything in her power to protect her son, and likely has zero concern for you. You are going to be forced to protect yourself. A gambling addict will eventually bankrupt himself and you by default if you don’t protect yourself by divorcing him.

You can choose to do whatever if you feel you’re montherinlaw should be repaid. However, legally it’s considered a gift, because it was, unless you promised to repay her, making it a loan. You are not required to repay a gift.
Don’t put yourself in a position to pay her anything required by law. Do it as best you can while taking care of your kids. The law is likely the only thing that will keep your alcoholic gambler contributing anything.
Protect yourself, and in turn, you can protect your kids.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #49 ·
You MIL has NO say in the division of assets or money. Your LAWYERS will help you with all that.
Don't "give up" money that you are entitled to in the divorce just because SHE says so.
You DO have to think of your kids first and foremost.
I can’t get in to see my therapist until July. Her voice is messing up my mind “I paid for your education so you can work and earn income. Don’t you think it’s the right and nice thing to do to not take any money if you divorce my son?” “Why don’t you get back to my son?” Etc … I don’t even have the mental strength to file for a divorce. I feel much happier without living with my alcoholic husband and feel blessed to see my kids daily. If I file for a divorce, they would hire the best attorney to fight for custody. I am so scared. My mother in law has a lot of money to fight legally.
I am just living day by day to raise my kids.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #50 ·
You need an attorney.
Do NOT sign or do anything without an attorney’s approval.
Your mother-in-law will do everything in her power to protect her son, and likely has zero concern for you. You are going to be forced to protect yourself. A gambling addict will eventually bankrupt himself and you by default if you don’t protect yourself by divorcing him.

You can choose to do whatever if you feel you’re montherinlaw should be repaid. However, legally it’s considered a gift, because it was, unless you promised to repay her, making it a loan. You are not required to repay a gift.
Don’t put yourself in a position to pay her anything required by law. Do it as best you can while taking care of your kids. The law is likely the only thing that will keep your alcoholic gambler contributing anything.
Protect yourself, and in turn, you can protect your kids.
She told me “it’s stupid to take out a loan. Why do you want to get in debt?” and helped paying. My husband refused to let me borrow for school. There was never any agreement to repay. It was purely a gift but a kind of gift that my MIL used to hang over my head forever. Thank you for mentioning the word “gift”. Everyone here is giving me sound advices and it helps easing my anxiety .
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,828 Posts
If you are even a decent parent, no court will take your kids. A decent lawyer can show gambling losses with a forensic accountant.
You can’t NOT file. You will either be bankrupted by an attorney or by your gambling husband. I’d take the attorney.
Your mother-in-law’s pony of view is biased.

Stop living in fear and do what you have to. It’s not like you have a choice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #52 ·
If you are even a decent parent, no court will take your kids. A decent lawyer can show gambling losses with a forensic accountant.
You can’t NOT file. You will either be bankrupted by an attorney or by your gambling husband. I’d take the attorney.
Your mother-in-law’s pony of view is biased.

Stop living in fear and do what you have to. It’s not like you have a choice.
Before my husband changed his email pw, I was able to transfer some evidence of his gambling losses to my email. My mother in law has it too. Deep down , I still love and care for him as a person and will try to avoid doing anything to hurt him. He is still the father of my kids. It’s his mother that I am afraid of. I hate how weak I am when it comes to this marriage. I have endured many years of this and don’t even know where to start. The separation is a miracle already. I still have “hope” that my husband will change and save the family. I will discuss this with my therapist.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,056 Posts
Thank you. I am so unhealthy in the mind because I actually think my MIL is right about the money so I agreed to sign over the house to her and she told me “it’s great” in the most cold hearted voice. It’s really bothering to me. I have not signed anything yet so it’s still fixable. I feel so indebted to my MIL because she paid for my college. I am in therapy to deal with this whole situation. My MIL is very overbearing, controlling and it’s her way or the highway. I am stressed talking to her. I am very hurt but I also think of my kids. They love their grandmother and their dad so much. I want to keep everyone as happy as possible to reduce the bad talks in front of my kids. I am willing to let go of relationship to just stay separate to raise my kids. I have opened my own account and put a small amount of money in case of emergency .
I am in a mental prison that I can’t seem to escape. I have been married to this family since I was 19. I am scared.
DO NOT sign over the house. Look you know that SHE used the $$$ for school to gain control over you. Well guess what -- the reality is there IS no control. Did you sign any papers when she gave you the $$? Was it an official loan?
If the answer is NO, then it was a GIFT to you from her -- even IF she had ulterior motives for doing that.
You can feel grateful to her for paying for school but you are NOT indebted to her.

You don't have to separate the kids from seeing their Dad or Grandmother. You WILL need to control the narrative with your kids since your MIL is so toxically manipulative.

It's NORMAL to be afraid -- this is a huge fundamental shift in your life. You didn't expect to have to be doing this -- but then again, your H hasn't helped and has caused the issues here. Your MIL is trying to squeeze a stone to get every last nickle out of you. Think about this -- would a Grandmother who LOVES her grandkids want their MOTHER to be penniless and homeless? What does that REALLY tell you about her. You and your kids don't need THAT type of "love".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,056 Posts
I can’t get in to see my therapist until July. Her voice is messing up my mind “I paid for your education so you can work and earn income. Don’t you think it’s the right and nice thing to do to not take any money if you divorce my son?”
NO it's NOT the right thing to NOT take any money -- this will be handled by the COURTS not your MIL.
You NEED child support, you NEED money to live if you were the stay at home Mom (alimony). Assets that you BOTH created during the marriage -- 1/2 of those are YOURS (in most states, it's 50/50). DO NOT let your MIL manipulate you and psych you out. If her voice is messing you up, then STOP LISTENING to her.

“Why don’t you get back to my son?” Etc … I don’t even have the mental strength to file for a divorce. I feel much happier without living with my alcoholic husband and feel blessed to see my kids daily. If I file for a divorce, they would hire the best attorney to fight for custody. I am so scared. My mother in law has a lot of money to fight legally.
I am just living day by day to raise my kids.
So, you realize she wants you to get back with her son so that SHE doesn't have to deal with him day in and day out. She wants YOU to be his caretaker.
Even if you don't divorce, you should file official separation papers to make sure that your finances are covered, and a child custody plan is worked out.

Get with a lawyer or two -- explain your fears with the MIL having money to fight. THEY can help you plan things out and explain how a divorce would work. Knowledge alleviates fear most times.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #55 ·
DO NOT sign over the house. Look you know that SHE used the $$$ for school to gain control over you. Well guess what -- the reality is there IS no control. Did you sign any papers when she gave you the $$? Was it an official loan?
If the answer is NO, then it was a GIFT to you from her -- even IF she had ulterior motives for doing that.
You can feel grateful to her for paying for school but you are NOT indebted to her.

You don't have to separate the kids from seeing their Dad or Grandmother. You WILL need to control the narrative with your kids since your MIL is so toxically manipulative.

It's NORMAL to be afraid -- this is a huge fundamental shift in your life. You didn't expect to have to be doing this -- but then again, your H hasn't helped and has caused the issues here. Your MIL is trying to squeeze a stone to get every last nickle out of you. Think about this -- would a Grandmother who LOVES her grandkids want their MOTHER to be penniless and homeless? What does that REALLY tell you about her. You and your kids don't need THAT type of "love".
Wow I almost cry reading your response. I want to give you a virtual hug! Thank you for your supportive wise words. I did not sign any paper when she paid for the school. Everyone here has no idea how much your response means to me. It prepares me mentally for the difficult journey ahead of me. I believe my H has the gambling under control because his mother got on to him but the drinking is still there. My kids are so little right now , I try to hang on until they are a little bit older. They adore their daddy and it’s killing me to think of the “what if” I did not give enough time for my H to work on his addiction and work on the marriage. It has been 8 months…
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #57 ·
Gambling is addiction just as bad as the alcohol. Don’t think he will stop gambling or the alcohol.
It’s my mind playing tricks on me. I keep reminding myself that he has not changed for over 10 years but my mind keeps believing and hoping. I will be in therapy for as long as I need to be it in to get healthy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,004 Posts
It’s my mind playing tricks on me. I keep reminding myself that he has not changed for over 10 years but my mind keeps believing and hoping. I will be in therapy for as long as I need to be it in to get healthy.
As hard as it may be for you with all your weakness and fears, is time for you to get on with the program, because you need to get through your head that it's not longer about you and your fears, and the exerted control your MIL has on you, but about the future of your small children. You need to get this as a mantra through your head so that you start doing what needs to be done to ensure a fair economic and parenting schedule for you and the children. This is your main objective. Forget about MIL bullshits and conniving bullying. her actions are as good as you allowed them to be. If you don't allow any of it, then, nothing she says and do will affect you.

The first thing you needed as soon as the day before yesterday is to already have the best lawyer you can get and to follow strictly to the letter what he/she advises you to do. Nothing else. Your attorney's legal team and the court will determine what you're due on a divorce settlement, not your MIL. Get that memorized.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,722 Posts
The younger your children are when ending the marriage, the easier it is for them to adapt. Also the less time they have to deal with the trauma and dysfunction of living with an addict. You will be an example of strength to them.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
41 - 60 of 62 Posts
Top