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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
Your children deserve NOT to grow up in a toxic household with an alcoholic. It is actually one of the worst environments they could possibly be in, and you are doing them no favors at all.


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I decided to separate from my husband because I did not want my kids to deal with my husband's drinking. I forgave him the first time he was rude to me in front of my kids. I took the kids and left when he was rude to me the second time. He loves the kids dearly but he cannot control his drinking. My kids are in a much more stable environment now. We are still legally married and co-parenting. I hope we can work things out but I don't trust my husband.
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
Seeker, I am SO sorry you are going through this.
YOU should work on your co-dependency while HE works on his alcohol and gambling issues.
IIRC, there is a book recommended by many here called Co-Dependent No More
I THINK it is this one: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Beattie, Melody (1986) Paperback: Melody Beattie: Amazon.com: Books
Others will correct me here if I am wrong.

You need to start focusing on yourself -- you can't change anyone else, just what YOU do. Make sure you do the work for the co-dependency, but also improve you relationship with your kids, exercise, eat right, start some hobbies that YOU have always wanted to do, go out or talk with your friends, etc..

You have helped your husband as much as YOU can, now it's up to him and the professionals to get his issues under control.
I read that book. I am seeing a therapist to work on my personal issues. I always feel bad for my husband. He does not feel bad for me, why do I keep feeling bad for him? Why can't I have the same kind of compassion for myself?
I have a full time job and exercise daily. I play with my kids after work and spend time with them during the weekend.
I really try to work on the marriage. I know I am no where near perfect but I have the will to make necessity changes to improve our marriage but I cannot do it alone.
My in laws changed their attitude the moment I became separated from my husband. They do not love me as much as they said. Their love for me comes with a condition that I will tolerate my husband's bad behavior. They know how he treats me. I am grieving for the loss of the relationship with my in laws because we had many good memories together. I do love them. They are good people who also got affected by alcoholism. It is family disease.
I start to lose hope about my marriage. My husband does not want a divorce, but he cannot stop drinking.
I am scared of the uncertainty.
 

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I hope you can get strong enough to understand that staying in the marriage is causing way more harm than leaving (ending) it!

work on your boundaries. Work on this delusion at the thought that this marriage should be saved! It’s been over a long time! You’ve been in this marriage with one partner - who has ONLY worked against the vows and family unit! He is only causing harm to you, the kids and your future!

meetings in AA aren’t what make a drinker progress to non drinking - the step work does that! If he hasn’t done his steps then he isn’t doing HIS part in his recovery!

now he’s gambling the family money? Leave him for good! He can’t be trusted and he’s using the family money irresponsibly! That is NOT a good father! A good father, a deserving of love kind of man, would help his family feel safe and protected! But he’s doing just the opposite.

file for divorce! His parents are only mad because you aren’t planning to babysit their son anymore!

stop doing three times the work in the marriage while he does irreparable harm, he’s ruining your children by his example of what a husband/father looks like.

you will be better off doing the work of the parent without your other half dragging everyone down with worry and shame.

it is HIS work to do - step away and allow him to do it...if he will.
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
I hope you can get strong enough to understand that staying in the marriage is causing way more harm than leaving (ending) it!

work on your boundaries. Work on this delusion at the thought that this marriage should be saved! It’s been over a long time! You’ve been in this marriage with one partner - who has ONLY worked against the vows and family unit! He is only causing harm to you, the kids and your future!

meetings in AA aren’t what make a drinker progress to non drinking - the step work does that! If he hasn’t done his steps then he isn’t doing HIS part in his recovery!

now he’s gambling the family money? Leave him for good! He can’t be trusted and he’s using the family money irresponsibly! That is NOT a good father! A good father, a deserving of love kind of man, would help his family feel safe and protected! But he’s doing just the opposite.

file for divorce! His parents are only mad because you aren’t planning to babysit their son anymore!

stop doing three times the work in the marriage while he does irreparable harm, he’s ruining your children by his example of what a husband/father looks like.

you will be better off doing the work of the parent without your other half dragging everyone down with worry and shame.

it is HIS work to do - step away and allow him to do it...if he will.
My tears fall like rain when I found out he had credit cards that I have no idea about and when I saw how much he spent at the casino. He owes a big amount of taxes. I am not angry at him. I feel disappointed. I feel sorry for him. I know he feels really bad about it but he cannot seem to control his addiction.
My kids and I already moved out but we are still married and has a joint account. I forced myself to move out to protect my kids mental health while they are still young. I was going to stay separate for a long time to raise my kids but the gambling is another level of headache. How do I protect myself and the kids financially while we are still married? I think of divorce too but I cannot seem to bring myself to do it. The codependency and trauma bond are so powerful.
 

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My tears fall like rain when I found out he had credit cards that I have no idea about and when I saw how much he spent at the casino. He owes a big amount of taxes. I am not angry at him. I feel disappointed. I feel sorry for him. I know he feels really bad about it but he cannot seem to control his addiction.
My kids and I already moved out but we are still married and has a joint account. I forced myself to move out to protect my kids mental health while they are still young. I was going to stay separate for a long time to raise my kids but the gambling is another level of headache. How do I protect myself and the kids financially while we are still married? I think of divorce too but I cannot seem to bring myself to do it. The codependency and trauma bond are so powerful.
You need to see a lawyer about a separation agreement -- they can be used to show that PAST the date of the separation, YOU will not be liable for any debts he incurs. PLEASE make sure to check with a lawyer about this.
You should also pull 1/2 out the joint account into an account ONLY in your name -- all your income should go into THAT from now on. Any joint bills, you can simply deposit just the required amount into the joint account for the bills.
That way he can't raid the joint account for his addictions.
 

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Discussion Starter · #26 ·
You need to see a lawyer about a separation agreement -- they can be used to show that PAST the date of the separation, YOU will not be liable for any debts he incurs. PLEASE make sure to check with a lawyer about this.
You should also pull 1/2 out the joint account into an account ONLY in your name -- all your income should go into THAT from now on. Any joint bills, you can simply deposit just the required amount into the joint account for the bills.
That way he can't raid the joint account for his addictions.
Thank you. I started to put a little bit of money into my own account. I feel so bad for doing it but I am will do it slowly. My AH has never touched the joint account.
I saw a short email on my AH’s email that include “tinder code” and it was sent from a google voice number. Is it a scam or is it an indicator that my AH is using a google voice phone number to sign up for tinder ? I do not know how Tinder works. Can someone explain please. Thank you
 

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Discussion Starter · #28 ·
Please help yourself and divorce him.

no one can help you if you won’t help yourself.
I am seriously thinking about divorcing him but I am so terrified. I am afraid I will regret it. I take marriage vows seriously and really want to be with my spouse till the day he die. I am working with a therapist about it. I don’t want to stir up problems before the holiday so I will wait till next year. My AH told his family that I “crossed the red line” and he is “done done done” with me. I am not sure what he was talking about “red line”. I am beginning to see that my husband clearly does not love me. He is manipulative and know how to make himself look good while telling friends and family I am the bad guy. We had good memories and bad memories. I really have trouble remembering bad memories because the good memories are really good. I miss the good side of him. I also found a way to sign in to his Tinder account. He did not talk to anyone . The account is new and created after our separation. He was hidden it and just looking. I cry every time I look at my children. I feel like a complete failure. I am sad that my marriage is almost over.
 

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The sooner you file - the sooner you aren’t liable for 50% of the debt he’s creating. File soon, so you have a date of separation showing to the courts and he can’t pin his debts onto you.

All abuse types have to experience “great times” with someone they are with - that is called overcompensating for THEIR bad behavior. Every time my exH cheated he bought me expensive jewelry or took me on an expensive vacation. That’s what they do... when they have done terrible things. I recently sold all of my jewelry he gave me when he cheated - it was very freeing.
 

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The sooner you file - the sooner you aren’t liable for 50% of the debt he’s creating. File soon, so you have a date of separation showing to the courts and he can’t pin his debts onto you.

All abuse types have to experience “great times” with someone they are with - that is called overcompensating for THEIR bad behavior. Every time my exH cheated he bought me expensive jewelry or took me on an expensive vacation. That’s what they do... when they have done terrible things. I recently sold all of my jewelry he gave me when he cheated - it was very freeing.
AND gave you some spending money for something BETTER...Lol!
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
The ending of the marriage isn’t on you - it’s on him.
I confronted him abou
The ending of the marriage isn’t on you - it’s on him.
I am going through a lot of anxiety tonight. I confronted him about Tinder. He said he did not know what it was at first and accidentally signed up ??? After seeing how serious I was about it, he admits he was just looking to see what it was and did not cheat on me. He apologized and promised to be a better man. I told him the marriage is over and he has not responded. I feel extremely codependent and anxious tonight. I try my best not to text him. I don’t know why it’s so painful and scary to let go. I am afraid without him.
 

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Fear of the unknown is one of the biggest reasons people stay in dysfunctional marriages. Your husband has repeatedly shown you that his addiction is so strong that he can’t or won’t change. Yes, it’s difficult to get out but staying is worse.
 

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Fear of the unknown is always a problem. First, take a few really deep breaths. THINK about what you need to do, and come up with a plan.
See a lawyer, figure out the finances, child care/support, etc.. Making this plan with the lawyer will help you not be so fearful. You CAN do this. It will be really hard, but you WILL be ok.
 

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Your husband was the problem (drunk, on tinder, gambling, etc).
Now you are the problem. You can’t make the decision to get out of this hopeless situation.

He will destroy you and your children like he’s destroyed your marriage and family.

If YOU let him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #37 ·
Your husband was the problem (drunk, on tinder, gambling, etc).
Now you are the problem. You can’t make the decision to get out of this hopeless situation.

He will destroy you and your children like he’s destroyed your marriage and family.

If YOU let him.
I know I have serious problem. I am in counseling to try to overcome it. I know what my AH did is wrong but I still don’t get angry at him. I don’t know why I still have hope that he will care about the marriage and to change to keep our family together for the kids. I am so frustrated with myself 😢. It took a lot for me to move out with the kids.
 

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I know I have serious problem. I am in counseling to try to overcome it. I know what my AH did is wrong but I still don’t get angry at him. I don’t know why I still have hope that he will care about the marriage and to change to keep our family together for the kids. I am so frustrated with myself 😢. It took a lot for me to move out with the kids.
It’s not unusual you are living on hopium. Most have a problem making decisions.

You are standing in a jail cell with the keys in your hand. Your H is fine with you being in limbo. How are you liking it?

It stops the moment you want it to.

Time/life The two things you can never get back.

wake up !!
 

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Discussion Starter · #40 ·
Mo
You need to be realistic. So far you seem to be relying on hope and that’s likely to let you down.
Financial uncertainty is a huge factor too. I have small kids to raise and I am scared I can’t afford to raise them on my income alone. What happen if I get sick and can’t work ? There are so many questions in my head.
My AH is nice about the kids because we are still legally married. I get to keep my kids every night after work. Even though we don’t live together, there are no other man/woman in the picture yet. The kids are living in a stable environment with love and no fighting right now. If we got a divorce, I am sure AH will get ugly at some point during the process. There would be fighting , split custody and mind games with the kids etc. I am heartbroken to put my kids through that.
 
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