Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 62 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
My husband and I are temporarily separated from each other. I asked him to leave the house when he showed up drunk and became verbally abusive to me. He has been staying with his parents for now. We are scheduled to have marriage counseling soon. He made some positive changes. He goes to the gym daily to try to get back in shape and attend AA meeting daily. I took steps to learn about Al Anon, codependency, and learn about Jesus. I feel like things are moving to the right direction. My husband misses me and the kids and want to return to the house, but I do not miss him and enjoy my quiet time without him so I told him I would move out if he comes back. I am afraid that I no longer feel in love with my husband after many years of enduring his drinking.I am emotionally checked out. I love him like a brother and a family member, but not as a spouse. I am not really angry at him or anything. I know he is a good person, but he is very sick and struggling with this alcoholism disease. The most important part in this picture is my kids. I want them to grow up in a healthy home with both parents. My husband loves them dearly too so we have the same goal. We are going to try to save the marriage. I talked to a couple who have been married for over 61 years and learned some good lessons from them. The elderly couple told me to work very hard and stick with marriage counseling and do not give up even when I feel hopeless. To be honest, I am still confused and lost.

Can people fall back in love with their spouse ?
If I cannot fall back in love with him, is it worth it to give up personal happiness to make everyone else happy?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,323 Posts
Don’t go back to him if you feel he won’t provide a home that feels safe and predictable. You can wait a year or two to decide - it gives him time to show if his behavior has consistently changed (long term). Does he work? How much of the family money does he contribute?

Side note - in the meantime - take care of yourself and the kids - do not date other men.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
58 Posts
My husband and I are temporarily separated from each other. I asked him to leave the house when he showed up drunk and became verbally abusive to me. He has been staying with his parents for now. We are scheduled to have marriage counseling soon. He made some positive changes. He goes to the gym daily to try to get back in shape and attend AA meeting daily. I took steps to learn about Al Anon, codependency, and learn about Jesus. I feel like things are moving to the right direction. My husband misses me and the kids and want to return to the house, but I do not miss him and enjoy my quiet time without him so I told him I would move out if he comes back. I am afraid that I no longer feel in love with my husband after many years of enduring his drinking.I am emotionally checked out. I love him like a brother and a family member, but not as a spouse. I am not really angry at him or anything. I know he is a good person, but he is very sick and struggling with this alcoholism disease. The most important part in this picture is my kids. I want them to grow up in a healthy home with both parents. My husband loves them dearly too so we have the same goal. We are going to try to save the marriage. I talked to a couple who have been married for over 61 years and learned some good lessons from them. The elderly couple told me to work very hard and stick with marriage counseling and do not give up even when I feel hopeless. To be honest, I am still confused and lost.

Can people fall back in love with their spouse ?
If I cannot fall back in love with him, is it worth it to give up personal happiness to make everyone else happy?
only you will know if you can fall back in love

what i can tell you is I grew up with an alcoholic mother and my parents divorced when i was seven shortly after she successfully went thru treatment and she has been sober since

here are some things to consider based on my experiences

1) stay in al anon for some time - it was very helpful for my father
2) both my parents loved me very much but the marriage had been ruined by years of living thru the alcoholism
3) the divorce was hard on everyone for a little while but ultimately was the right thing
4) my father remarried - my stepmom. She is a wonderful woman and they were perfect for each other (my father passed away last summer after a full life) their marriage was amazing and showed me what true love and commitment is. he passed at 86 years old and they were married for 31 years
5) alcoholism is a terrible disease and ruins good men and women. going to AA meetings likely isn’t enough. He may need to go to an inpatient program
6) kids need to grow up in a home with a loving relationship by their parents. staying married and being miserable will not actually be good for them
7) life is too short imo. be a good mom, support your husband in his recovery and move on if you dont love him

how old are the kids?

god bless
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Don’t go back to him if you feel he won’t provide a home that feels safe and predictable. You can wait a year or two to decide - it gives him time to show if his behavior has consistently changed (long term). Does he work? How much of the family money does he contribute?

Side note - in the meantime - take care of yourself and the kids - do not date other men.
He works and contributes as much as he can. He hates living with his parents and is thinking about getting his own place, but he concerns about money issues. I don't know how long his parents will allow him to stay there. I really don't want him back right now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
only you will know if you can fall back in love

what i can tell you is I grew up with an alcoholic mother and my parents divorced when i was seven shortly after she successfully went thru treatment and she has been sober since

here are some things to consider based on my experiences

1) stay in al anon for some time - it was very helpful for my father
2) both my parents loved me very much but the marriage had been ruined by years of living thru the alcoholism
3) the divorce was hard on everyone for a little while but ultimately was the right thing
4) my father remarried - my stepmom. She is a wonderful woman and they were perfect for each other (my father passed away last summer after a full life) their marriage was amazing and showed me what true love and commitment is. he passed at 86 years old and they were married for 31 years
5) alcoholism is a terrible disease and ruins good men and women. going to AA meetings likely isn’t enough. He may need to go to an inpatient program
6) kids need to grow up in a home with a loving relationship by their parents. staying married and being miserable will not actually be good for them
7) life is too short imo. be a good mom, support your husband in his recovery and move on if you dont love him

how old are the kids?

god bless
The kids are almost 2 and 4 years old. Thank you for sharing your experience.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
So I have a cousin that was a drug addict and drunk --- his wife, finally fed up, gave him the ultimatum : get straight or never see your kids again.
He has not touched anything in over 30 years. It CAN be done.
Whether that will be enough for you or not... none of us here can answer that.
It would be nice if my husband could do it. I am tired of his mind games. He would apologize to me and be nice for a little while to see my reaction. When I start to act like my normal self around him, he becomes a bad guy again. I am truly tired of him this time, but my kids keep asking when daddy is going to come home. It really broke my heart. I will give him one more chance even though I do not miss him at all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
297 Posts
When I start to act like my normal self around him, he becomes a bad guy again.
This is classic ... he acts just the way you want
him to and when you are complacent and things are back to normal... his horrible behaviour surfaces again.
That’s because “ if nothing changes, nothing changes ”Meaning if he hasn't made the effort to seek help with his behaviour, he cannot change on his own... he has proven this many times”
You have to set boundaries and stick to them
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,323 Posts
I don’t see a reason to try again if he hasn’t completely changed who he is.

in fact - it’s possible he may get more motivated to change if he stands to lose everything.

stop taking him back so easily! He should be EARNING your trust back for at least a year before you take him back. And that’s only if there’s consistent and significant progress from him!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I don’t see a reason to try again if he hasn’t completely changed who he is.

in fact - it’s possible he may get more motivated to change if he stands to lose everything.

stop taking him back so easily! He should be EARNING your trust back for at least a year before you take him back. And that’s only if there’s consistent and significant progress from him!
My marriage is extremely dysfunctional but we have kids so we are trying very hard to save it. I go through different emotions. Sometimes I feel like giving up on my boundaries and just let my husband moves back, but I know this time is my ONLY chance because the separation is known to both of our families. If I take him back now, my future boundary will not be taken seriously. I have a hard time saying no because I am so codependent on my family and family in laws. They are too involved in my marriage and make the issues worse. My mother in law told me to give my husband many chances because "people fall off the wagon". My husband told me he is going to move back to the house soon so I am packing to move to my parents' house. Change is difficult but I am trying to take one day at a time. I do not know if I love my husband or not. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, sometimes I miss him a little bit, sometimes I just want to move on without him. I know he still cares about me, but I do not feel like I am "in love" with him. I think we only passionately kissed each other ONE time during our 12 years marriage and I kissed him first. We rarely intimate because he was busy drinking and being ugly to me when he was drunk (that's a huge turn off for me). He told me he would like to date me again, would like to hold my hands, to go for a walk together, to flirt with me etc (I begged for these things with him in the past but I no longer need it). He was on his way to 300 lbs with his drinking and unhealthy lifestyle. I am a petite person (100 lbs) so we are a mismatched couple in many aspects (I am a non-drinker, non-smoker, like to eat veggies etc. while my husband is the opposite of me). He is unhappy with his weight but does not want to do anything about it. After the separation, he is going the gym several times a week and lost 10 lbs already. I am proud of him for doing that but I really do not want him back until he is at his healthy weight and sober. He has a long way to go. I don't know why I have this guilty feeling for telling people about his drinking and no longer cover up for him. I have a heavy mix of sadness, anxious, stress, happy, lonely when he moves out. My mind feels like it is all over the place. I am seeing a therapist. My therapist said I am in several toxic relationships so he is going to work with me about "relationship" so I can make a better choice when I know what "healthy relationship" is like.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,323 Posts
Let your husband DO the work. It is his work to do. You do you. Let him do his work.

you live your life. No one should stay in an unhealthy, unloving and abusive marriage.
You go girl!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,850 Posts
I wouldnt even think about getting back with him until he has been free from the addiction for at least a year. Its crazy that you are having to take the children and live with your family, you should be able to stay in the house. Your children need protecting from him.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,727 Posts
Always keep in mind that you are modeling marriage for your children. What they see at home is very likely what they will go on to do in their own adult lives. Is this the kind of marriage that you wish for your children? I doubt it. Follow your own feelings and don’t let in laws talk you into staying in such a toxic situation. This is your life, not theirs.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,390 Posts
It would be nice if my husband could do it. I am tired of his mind games. He would apologize to me and be nice for a little while to see my reaction. When I start to act like my normal self around him, he becomes a bad guy again. I am truly tired of him this time, but my kids keep asking when daddy is going to come home. It really broke my heart. I will give him one more chance even though I do not miss him at all.
Is he in a programme like AA? Until and unless he is some sort of 12 step program you will remain on the rollercoaster. You sound young, so might be better to cut your losses. I would suggest you get into AlAnon, Bottled Up or/and Sober Recovery.com as you have been damaged by this experience.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,390 Posts
My marriage is extremely dysfunctional but we have kids so we are trying very hard to save it. I go through different emotions. Sometimes I feel like giving up on my boundaries and just let my husband moves back, but I know this time is my ONLY chance because the separation is known to both of our families. If I take him back now, my future boundary will not be taken seriously. I have a hard time saying no because I am so codependent on my family and family in laws. They are too involved in my marriage and make the issues worse. My mother in law told me to give my husband many chances because "people fall off the wagon". My husband told me he is going to move back to the house soon so I am packing to move to my parents' house. Change is difficult but I am trying to take one day at a time. I do not know if I love my husband or not. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, sometimes I miss him a little bit, sometimes I just want to move on without him. I know he still cares about me, but I do not feel like I am "in love" with him. I think we only passionately kissed each other ONE time during our 12 years marriage and I kissed him first. We rarely intimate because he was busy drinking and being ugly to me when he was drunk (that's a huge turn off for me). He told me he would like to date me again, would like to hold my hands, to go for a walk together, to flirt with me etc (I begged for these things with him in the past but I no longer need it). He was on his way to 300 lbs with his drinking and unhealthy lifestyle. I am a petite person (100 lbs) so we are a mismatched couple in many aspects (I am a non-drinker, non-smoker, like to eat veggies etc. while my husband is the opposite of me). He is unhappy with his weight but does not want to do anything about it. After the separation, he is going the gym several times a week and lost 10 lbs already. I am proud of him for doing that but I really do not want him back until he is at his healthy weight and sober. He has a long way to go. I don't know why I have this guilty feeling for telling people about his drinking and no longer cover up for him. I have a heavy mix of sadness, anxious, stress, happy, lonely when he moves out. My mind feels like it is all over the place. I am seeing a therapist. My therapist said I am in several toxic relationships so he is going to work with me about "relationship" so I can make a better choice when I know what "healthy relationship" is like.
Remember an alcoholics first love is the alcohol. However, they will tell you all sorts of things and make all sorts of promises. Sadly they may even believe themselves that what they are telling you is the truth, but they will break every single one of those promises and your heart will be broken over and over. Do NOT listen to what comes out of his mouth, it is only words, look at this ACTIONS. What steps (if any) has he taken to get sober? There can be no relationship if there is no sobriety.
You need to work on co-dependency because you allowed this to happen to you over and over, why? Working with a therapist is good. You can do this!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Is he in a programme like AA? Until and unless he is some sort of 12 step program you will remain on the rollercoaster. You sound young, so might be better to cut your losses. I would suggest you get into AlAnon, Bottled Up or/and Sober Recovery.com as you have been damaged by this experience.
He goes to AA meeting daily since the separation. He goes to the gym frequently to improve his health. He goes to individual counseling. The individual counselor seems to help him a lot.
I know he is good person who is very sick with this horrible addiction. I have codependent issues and make excuses for his bad behaviors all these years. I am trying to keep my boundaries but I wanted to just give up already (I am not). I am scared to raise two small kids alone. I am keeping my boundaries even when I feel so wrong, so selfish , so inadequate inside. I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing the best for my kids. They don’t deserve to witness toxic conversations at such young age.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Sadly, I caught my husband drinking again. He relapsed. He also lied about his gambling habits. He was rude to me a couple times. It is nice that we do not live together because the kids do not have to witness any arguments. I am losing hope that he will change. He is constantly trying to stop drinking by going to AA, but I do not have much hope. I trusted him many times but he always ends up with his alcohol again. I just cannot get over the idea of an intact family for my kids. I know our marriage is toxic but there are good and bad memories mixing. I have trouble remembering the details of the bad memories because I am codependent and mainly focus on the good memories.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,111 Posts
Seeker, I am SO sorry you are going through this.
YOU should work on your co-dependency while HE works on his alcohol and gambling issues.
IIRC, there is a book recommended by many here called Co-Dependent No More
I THINK it is this one: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Beattie, Melody (1986) Paperback: Melody Beattie: Amazon.com: Books
Others will correct me here if I am wrong.

You need to start focusing on yourself -- you can't change anyone else, just what YOU do. Make sure you do the work for the co-dependency, but also improve you relationship with your kids, exercise, eat right, start some hobbies that YOU have always wanted to do, go out or talk with your friends, etc..

You have helped your husband as much as YOU can, now it's up to him and the professionals to get his issues under control.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,727 Posts
Your children deserve NOT to grow up in a toxic household with an alcoholic. It is actually one of the worst environments they could possibly be in, and you are doing them no favors at all.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
1 - 20 of 62 Posts
Top