Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Last night I told my husband we should separate.

I can't live like this anymore and although I would like my marriage to work I feel like staying in this marriage only makes the situation worse and I lose more of myself each day.
Also, I believe he will simply go back to bad habits.

I am hoping separation will be the shock therapy he needs. If it does not work then I am pretty sure I would be better off without him.

About 2 years ago I found out my husband had rung up over 20K in credit card debt. I never did find out exactly where all the money went except his excuse that he just sucks at managing money. He went to extreme measures to hide it including stopping the mail when he went out of town. We almost got divorced over it but managed to work it out after I loaded eblaster (pretty much emails you every key stroke) on his computer and felt confident he was not having an affair or into drugs. In the end he told his parents it was me that spent all the money so now it makes it very hard to be around them and I cannot believe he would rather them think it was me.

I took over all the bills after this mess. I own my own business and after working my butt off (60 hour weeks) I managed to get us back out of debt and even save a little. He keeps $1600 monthly from his paychecks and all he has to pay for is gas. I pay EVERYTHING else. We did this so he would not feel like I control everything which he has often complained about. Last month I found out he has been bouncing checks monthly and has rung up another $1000 in credit card debt. Not even close to 2 years ago but impossible to ignore. I confronted him and we did not spoke for over a week until our 13th aniversary (yesterday). He gives me roses and a card saying we should spend today "our wedding anniversary" to rebuild our relationship and stop bringing up the past.

WHAT????

I feel like I should try to make things work for our 2 kids (11 and 6) but feel like if I try to work any further I am just a complete idiot. My husband is 6 years older than I am. We were married when I was 24 and he was 30. I looked up to him. Over the years somehow I became the responsible financial rock of the family. In addition to my hectic work week and the one responsible for the bills I also get to make sure the kids are up and off to school on time, pick them up each day, cook dinner each night, do all the grocery shopping and make sure repairs are completed around the house.

We rarely have sex and he rarely ever pays me a compliment. I used to think I was fairly attractive but over the years have lost all my self esteem.

I am wore out and think this might just be easier on my own. I feel like I am raising three kids instead of 2.

My biggest worry is my 11 year old son that idolizes his father. I don't want him to hate me but I also don't want him growing up thinking it is ok to treat your wife this way.

Last night my husband told me he was still in love with me but sometimes I think perhaps he simply does not know what that means. I was in love before him and it did not work out but I know how it is supposed to feel and this is not it.

Any advice is appreciated.

I would really like to know if separation worked for anyone else out there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
199 Posts
Sure separation can work, my wife and I are just starting to reconnect after three months of being apart. Last weekend was the first time in six months that she told me she still loves me. I can't tell ya how good that made me feel! At one time I really didn't think we would make it, I just kept the hope. So don't give up without a fight, do everything you know to do and if things do not work out at least you'll know in your heart you gave the marriage the best shot you could.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Phil1977

·
Registered
Joined
·
221 Posts
I have a question. Is seeing and sleeping with others outside the seperation allowed? Do I have to be explicit about it?

I'm seperated and I feel she will take advantage of the situation. She removed her listing as married on facebook...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks. Do you feel like either of you changed during the separation or did absence just make the heart grow fonder?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I have a question. Is seeing and sleeping with others outside the seperation allowed? Do I have to be explicit about it?

I'm seperated and I feel she will take advantage of the situation. She removed her listing as married on facebook...
I think you should discuss what the bounderies of your separation are. Personally I do not want to date nor do I think my husband should date. If that is what either of you want then divorce should be the next step.

I look at separation as a last attempt to solve the marital issues and adding dating to the mix would only make the entire situation much worse.

The question you need to ask your self is "do you want to date"? If you do then maybe you do not want to be married.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,621 Posts
I have a question. Is seeing and sleeping with others outside the seperation allowed? Do I have to be explicit about it?

I'm seperated and I feel she will take advantage of the situation. She removed her listing as married on facebook...
The general purpose of a separation is to try and give space and work things out in the marriage. Not to test the waters. If she is using this as an opportunity to date or sleep around the battle is lost. Set your boundaries and if she is unwilling to honor her vows (She is still married) divorce and move on. Otherwise you’ll just drag out the pain.

13 moving forward with this is an act of tough love and it may jolt him back. My best to you in this effort. It’s bold but is certainly worth the effort to bring him around. Good luck.
 
  • Like
Reactions: squid1035

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,557 Posts
Any advice is appreciated.

I would really like to know if separation worked for anyone else out there.
let me chime in 13years.

separation? what is the goal?

to give him the "shock" he needs?

i think it does "work" but i think you need to be clear about the goals. i am in the middle of a separation now. my wife initiated it. there were no set goals.

the good thing about no set goal (if your husband can see his faults, or if a counselor is helping him through) is that if he is committed to the marriage, he'll fix EVERYTHING that was broken about him. i've been doing exactly that for the past months.

i have beat alcohol, pornography, jealousy, control to name a few, since our separation. truly a reformed man. not bragging, just telling you the effect.

advice is this: as he acheives the goals, it's time to start talking about a strategy to getting back together.

good luck, and God bless you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
552 Posts
I also have financial problems with hubby. I paid half of all the bills, when I work only 16 hrs per week. He doesn't help with our two boys. I know it would be a financially wise decision to divorce and ask for all my savings back, but hubby is not a mean guy. He doesn't deserve to be screwed in a divorce. I suspect he may be doing something illegal to waste all his money, but can't bare to face the truth. I almost prefer his addiction to be an affair vs. a gambling habit. My boys still see their dad as adequate, though he sees them very infrequently. I am convinced he is a better divorce dad, as he goes to great lengths to provide for his 18 year old daughter who lives with his ex-wife. I wish separation and divorce was a better option. If that happens, he will definitely be meaner to me, and right now he says he still loves me. I can't come out ahead either way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
let me chime in 13years.

separation? what is the goal?

to give him the "shock" he needs?
Yes, I believe shock is the purpose. I am hoping by him moving out he will not only see what he would be missing but would help him get his head straight.

I would like to see our marriage work but if it doesn't he still needs to get his spending under control and start saving for a future. The man is 43, makes over 100K a year and does not have a penny to his name saved. In fact he owes on a few credit cards and bounced 4 checks last month at $35 each.

Again, I pay ALL the bills so am just bewildered on where his $1600 monthly that he keeps from his checks goes.

He does have an alcohol problem as well but can't imagine he is spending $1600 monthly on booze.

I am so glad to hear you have worked on some of these demons. Gives me a little bit of hope.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,557 Posts
Yes, I believe shock is the purpose. I am hoping by him moving out he will not only see what he would be missing but would help him get his head straight.

I would like to see our marriage work but if it doesn't he still needs to get his spending under control and start saving for a future. The man is 43, makes over 100K a year and does not have a penny to his name saved. In fact he owes on a few credit cards and bounced 4 checks last month at $35 each.

Again, I pay ALL the bills so am just bewildered on where his $1600 monthly that he keeps from his checks goes.

He does have an alcohol problem as well but can't imagine he is spending $1600 monthly on booze.

I am so glad to hear you have worked on some of these demons. Gives me a little bit of hope.
$100k a year and not a penny saved...sounds like me

he does have an alcohol problem but can't imagine he is spend the $1600/month alowance on booze??? believe me, alcohol lowers inhibitions, making it easier to spend money on anything, including other peoples bar tabs (get to look like the big man) or other vices/hobbies.

irresponsibilty is a benchmark of alcoholics. we battle with responsibility every day. some would say it's because of our co-dependent partners and their ability to cover for us.

just a few random thoughts.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Hi I am new here and I need help.

I have been married to a wonderful man for the past 5 years and we have been together for about 10 years and I has been great. I have never seen or been showed love like this.

The problem is I am not in love and I don't think I have ever been in love with him. I love him to pieces and I want the best for him and I would do just about anything for him because he is that great. Not perfect mind you but great.

There is someone else who I think I am in love with. That person has been in my life since before I even met my husband but he and I have never dated or been intimate besides kissing and making out a bit before I got married. He got married a year before me and I thought that was it. He is legally separated 3 years and wants to be with me.

I had a huge dissapointment and my life a few years back and my husband (then boyfried) was there for me 100%. And I decided that I would spend my life just being his wife and the mother of his children. I would be what he wanted or needed me to be and that would be it. Besides I would be a fool to give him up after knowing how much he loves me.

Fast forward 5 years later. I feel like I settled. That I gave up on my dreams and my life to be his wife. I have lost myself in that role and it scares me. Is that all I want from life? Do I even know what my purpose is? I just recently had a miscarriage (would have been our first child). and I feel like it was a wake up call. Is this really all I want out of life?

I have always done what was expected of me and what I thought others wanted or needed me to be (I am a people pleaser) and now at 31 I am thinking "What do I want?"

I don't want to hurt this man, Lord knows I don't but I am scared in not hurting him I may loose me and my true happiness.

It is like do you give up a solid good for something that could be great or horrible. I don't know
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
69 Posts
13years - I believe that separation can really help. However, it is important to have ground rules. Now you may not need to give a time frame. But I believe it's important to have some communication and set the ground rules before you leave. It's also important that you don't just separate for a couple of weeks. You would need a couple of months. However, make sure that the other person does not lose trust and feel completely abandoned. This should feel more like a wake-up call so that he won't take you for granted. However, it shouldn't feel like you betray his trust.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
13years, I believe a trial separation can "shock" a spouse on track HOWEVER you both need to be prepared to do heaps of hard work through MC & IC. The other thing to be really aware of that for you, it may be too little too late. My experience if they don't dive head first into IC & MC, AND do the massive amount of hard work, then you will be better off permanently separated in the first place.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Syanna-
I don't want to highjack the original post, but i recommend the book "do i have to give up me to be loved by you"
and talk to your hubby when appropriate, you shouldn't have to give up yourself but if you can both come together and celebrate your individuality along with your togetherness you can turn a solid good into a resounding great!
also just now realized how old this thread is...apologies.
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top