Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 935 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
504 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi all, I've been lurking for a few weeks and decided to toss my experiences out there.

My wife and I have been together for 13 years and will have been married for 10 years as of next month. Like most people, we have had our ups and downs but we have never carried on like we are now.

As of about a month ago, my wife decided that she was ready to move on. She has asked me how I would feel if she got an apartment for a while so she could clear her head out. This of course would involve her taking our two kids with her (4 and 15 months) as she suggests. I own a second house and told her that if it came down to separation, I would move into that home to avoid uprooting the kids and making it too difficult on them.

Over the last two weeks we have had many many discussions about the issues with our marriage as she sees them. I cannot help but agree with her that my attitude has brought on much of what she feels. She will not commit to leaving yet, nor will she ask me to go. Tonight, before she left for dinner with a friend that is in town for the night, she did commit to us at least staying in the same home for three months. This would get us through our anniversary, our family trip to Disney, and the holidays. She hopes to see an abundance of change in that time and hopes that her feelings for me return. As of now, she says that she has built up a total wall around her and that my feelings are not a big concern to her. I believe her when she says it as I have not seen a single spark of care out of her in at least a month. Three times in the couple weeks she has went out to get away from me. One of those nights ended up with her asleep on a friends couch and me being a total wreck at 4:30 in the morning. I am sure that there is no affair going on, she is not that kind of person and would be honest with me.

Now a little bit about me and why she is so unhappy! I have been dealing with depression that I have refuse to admit to over the past two years. My mother was run down in a parking lot and killed at work so it was quite sudden. Until recently, I had not even started to cope with it or even admit that I had an issue. During this time I have grown increasingly distant from everyone around me.

The issues finally came to a head around three months ago when I started having extreme anxiety and my blood pressure went through the roof. Having become withdrawn, I did not even bother talking to my wife about my issues. I had also put most all of the responsibility of keeping up the house and taking care of two kids on her as I did not even begin to stay involved with those around me. The next thing I realized, I was either locking myself in my office all day at work or leaving early. After a good month, she finally forced me to go to the doctor and they put me on BP meds as well as some anti-anxiety meds. I took a week off work to recover but it still took me a solid three weeks before I started to recover at all. During this time it all became too much for her.

I had caught strep and was too sick to really fight. She tried to explain to me what my sickness was doing to her but I was too sick and tired to listen. For the only time in my life, I told her that I just did not care to listen right now and proceeded to go lay down. This was the beginning of the situation that I am in now.

Since that day she has totally walled me off. It is unfortunate because after a couple days of late night talks, I feel better than I have in years. I was able to tell her about the place where I had been mentally and admit to the personal misery that I had been going through. Too little too late I am afraid. I am finally in a place of clarity where I have become a hands on father and a contributor to the duties around the house. I told her that I understand her frustration and that she distanced herself from a man who had become hopeless but I planned to do everything in my power to make amends.

Even though we had fought about things such as housework or getting up with kids at night, we have never talked of separation. With her no promises discussion of three months I feel as though my days around here are numbered and that she will continue to use that time to ease herself into the transition. I told her that this would be the only time that we would have this discussion and that if it happened again, I would happily leave on my own.

I am really at a loss. I plan to continue on being positive and helpful but I fear that her mind is made up. I guess I really just needed to vent somewhere. Hopefully this will have a happy ending.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,967 Posts
I'm sorry you have been though quite an ordeal. Maybe seek IC, what happened to your mother is very tragic. I'm sorry for your loss.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Take it for what it's worth but I don't think her mind is made up. Hope is a strong thread. She's giving you three months. She won't make it easy on you but she's giving you three months. Be grateful for that. It's not too late. Good luck to you.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,323 Posts
You have 3 months to turn things around.

There is a book that I think can really help you, "His Needs, Her Needs".

Read the book and get into counseling for yourself. Then at some point as her to go to marriage counseling with you.

Is she a SAHM?

Do not agree to you moving out of your house or with her moving your children out of your house. If you do either, your chances of saving your marriage/family are almost zero.

See an attorney now about what you can do to prevent her from moving out with the children. Don't tell her you are doing this. Just be prepared to act if you need to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
504 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Funny enough, I was laying here on the couch reading His Needs, Her Needs already. We were giving a copy of it by the minister that married us 10 years ago!

She is not a stay at home mom. After our son was born 15 months ago she took an extended leave from work to spend time with him. When she did return it was three days a week for about four hours a day in order to see her friends and get a break from being home constantly.

I think I will find some sort of counseling for me. Though I have problems with her currently, she really is the one problem that cannot be solved until all the other ones fall in line. We actually went to counseling several years ago after our first child was born but she didn't seem to get what she wanted out of it.

As of now I just plan to carry on my routine and fight on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
504 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Yay for Friday! I have been looking forward to the weekends because I will not have to sit in my office and dwell on the negatives in my life. I also get to spend more time with the kids, which I am truly starting to appreciate. It feels like the farther she goes away from me the closer I get with the kids. Last night my daughter and I just laid around on the couch watching cartoons and laughing until she fell asleep in my lap. We have not had snuggle up time like that in over a year I would guess.

I did have a heated, but no yelling, discussion with my wife before she left for the evening. Over the course of the last decade we have had a serious disconnect three times and each time I can tell that she has been pushed past her comfort level because she begins a trend of going out at night and treating it like a punishment. She always says that it is because I never let her go with her friends and she only feels like she can do it when she no longer cares how I feel about it. It also always turns into coming home hours later than she stated and typically drinking and driving. I tend to stay up worried that something bad will happen between the bar and the house and I start to get worried when it is an hour past when she said she will be there.

Last night we had the same discussion that we always have before she goes out. Me: So when do you think you will be home? Her: No idea, if I am still having fun then I will just stay later. After a few round and rounds she finally said that she intended to be home by midnight since we have to get the kids up and going in the mornings and she drops them off at school. For the first time since this started, she came home really close to what she said. This totally beats the last two times where it was at 1AM and 4:30AM.

Here is what I have come to realize after some reading and thinking. Emotionally, she is really attached to a very small group of friends. Right now she is in a transition where she is leaving the only job that she has had for 15 years and starting a new one. I know she is scared of losing the people that have cared for her emotionally while I have been distant. I can't say that I do not understand her feelings. I also understand that it is hard to jump into being emotionally invested in someone who has really put forth very little effort over the last couple years. Aside from bringing home a paycheck, cooking our meals, and taking out the trash, I have contributed very little.

My goals for this weekend are to continue to be a contributor. I know she is worried that with her being full time at a new job the house and kids will fall apart. I fully intend to pick up the slack. I have started to enjoy shepherding the kids around the house and really do not mind jumping in on the cleaning and washing.

I also plan to go away and have some free time. I have a family commitment first thing tomorrow and then I plan to spend some time on my own. I plan to finish up reading His Needs, Her needs and I have some course work that I can use the silence to bang out. I may just spend the day at the river managing myself and unwinding.

I also plan to work at the 180 plan. Wasting away my days discussing why I was such a bad husband and in such a bad mental place will not help anything. Over the last almost month it has been me, not her, that starts any dialogue about us. Each talk ends with, "I don't know if my feelings will come back. Lets give it some time and see if the changes you make do anything." From reading the plan (About 50 times in the last day) I can see that it will pretty much force me into a better place. Even if it does not work out with her, it will help me be ready to move on in the end.

Hopefully the posts get shorter in the future! I just have a ton on my chest that I have not unloaded in a while. It makes it harder because my mother was who I used to talk to whenever my wife and I had big issues (she typically took my wife's side!) but unfortunately I cannot now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
504 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
It's been quite the long weekend. I really do not know if we are any better off today than before but we have at least talked. We have talked to the point where there really isn't a lot left to say.

Friday night we sat down and had a long talk about communication and missing signals from each other. She told me that over the last year that she has tried to come to me and let me know that I was pushing her away. I totally missed it. I never took what she was talking to me about as deal breakers, I just floated through the conversation until I felt she was happy and then continued on. She maintained that she still had no feelings towards our relationship. She is at a point where she really has not point any thought into working it out since she feels that it will just lead to me appeasing her with words and actions for a few weeks and then diving back into my shell. I told her that I wanted to establish time to have clear communication with each other each evening. Our talks do not have to be emotionally downing but I am sure that due to the pain that she has inside as well as the regret and anxiety that I have now, many will. Near the end of the conversation she told me that if she gave it another shot and I did not follow through that she would go ahead and ask me to leave, file papers, and keep everything that he lawyer would grab. I agreed, if we both put forth a serious daily effort to build a healthy relationship and failed, we do not need to waste each others time still.

Saturday we had a minor setback on a shopping trip. I had received in a check that I had planned to use as spending cash for a trip to Disney (Hers and the kids first time) at the end of October. When I pointed it out, she made a comment to the effect of "Oh, you dont want to cancel that?". It hit me like a ton of bricks. Just 10 hours before we had agreed to do the hard work. I asked her what she meant, as it was quite important to our family to take that trip and she told me that she couldn't imagine being stuck somewhere with me for seven days and enjoying it. I really didn't know what to say. I finally said that we had insurance on the trip and if it comes time to leave and it is too uncomfortable then we can still get our money back. I asked her two weeks ago if she wanted to cancel it and she did not. I told her then that if she wanted me out, I could cancel the trip and use that money to buy furniture for another home that I own and move in. After we returned home we had a very brief discussion away from the children where I told her that I understood the feeling that she has but I cannot fight with her each time she has negative feelings. I told her that I still agreed that I will leave if we work hard, rebuild our lives, and it all falls apart again. She told me again that even though her feelings are blocked out that she would continue to let things run their course.

Later Saturday evening I had a baby sitter come by and watch the kids so we could get away for a few hours. We ended up sitting downtown where we met and letting alot of animosity out. She railed against me for not effectively responding to her. We both felt like we had become roommates with little to nothing to talk about and that it hurt us both. I listened to everything that she had built up and refused to let it become an argument. After a solid hour of dumping she finally asked me why she should let me back in. I really did not have an answer for her. Anything that I could think of was just selfish. I can see her point in the fact that if I weren't supportive of our marriage before, what says I can do it now. I understand that if she feels like she is numb to the heartache now, why open herself up for another dose of it. I think some headway was made as our talk ended up with me telling her that I want nothing more than to commit myself to her and to experience her all over again. I asked her to allow us time to sit and learn each other again and to remember that there was a time where we were the most important thing in each others lives. There was a time where I rushed through my day to sit and hold her hand and that if we took time again to understand and love each other above all we could make it work for another 10 years. She truly seemed to take that in and the tone of our night changed.

We left and went to a local park to walk. I asked her what the most important thing in a marriage to her was and she replied "respect". Respect of her feelings, of how she is spoken to, and of her accomplishments. Sitting down while she cleans house is disrespectful. Sleeping till 8 when she wakes up with the kids as 7 is disrespectful. Feeling the need to debate everything instead of just trusting her judgement is disrespectful. So respect is the first thing that I am working on. I also confronted her about another man that she is quite close to. I told her that I know that she is emotionally attached to him, they work together everyday and he is there to talk to her when I shut her out. I understand that emotionally, she has replaced a good bit of me with him and that I could not blame her for it. It has never been a physical relationship between them, nothing aside from a bond that she has created to fill in the gaps of what she was not receiving at home. I told her that I understand that she is terrified that she will lose that bond (She starts a new job Tuesday) and have noone, but I intend to stick myself out there and reclaim the place that I should have been for the longest. We also covered things like how she felt like I did not want to be touched by her but how I felt that she didn't want me to touch her either (how sad), how we rarely had fun when we went out because I had started to believe that I was no fun to her so I would take her places where she would bump into friends and I could watch her be happy. We talked about sexual issues that we have because she still feels the need to measure up to the women that I dated in the past or the stories that she has heard from various people.

The night was both invigorating and exhausting. When we finally returned home around 11:30 we cleaned up the kids mess and went to bed. We have not touched each other much in the last month, instead we have slept at the far edges of our king sized bed. The last few nights I have put a hand on her shoulder and she has held my fingers. To me, that has become the best part of my day. Last night I stayed away though, I really did not want to push any more issues for the day and forcing touch could make for another setback for both of us.

Today I am knocking out coursework that I have fallen behind on and getting the cars detailed. We have spoke and we have laughed and we have played with the kids. I agreed to alternate weekends that we get up with the children and she got to sleep in until 8:40 for the first time in 5 years. I believe she is taking the kids on a nature trail later today. I asked if she wanted me to come and she said she didn't care one way or another. I think I will just give her some space and let her go it alone. A family friend is camping there (who happens to be one of the ones that told her to not give up on us) and she wants to drop in on him and his wife.

I do not plan to get into anything emotional with her tonight. I would like to put the kids in bed, watch some TV with her, and be generally pleasant. Heres to a good night.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
753 Posts
Kolors, you seem to be on the right track. I would advise less to no talk about the past and just do like you mentioned in the last post, be pleasant around her, be the best dad you can be, and LISTEN to her. Ask her how her day went and listen intently to show you truly care about what is going on in her daily life. If you keep focusing on the relationship talk and the past, you will continue to push her away. Focusing on you and being yourself (the man she fell in love with), she will notice the progress you are making. You have to be confident that she will notice it. Make sure it is genuine and effortless on your part. If you have to try to be something you are not in order to please her, you are doing an injustice to yourself and her. Stay positive, stay patient, and take baby steps. I am telling myself the same thing every day.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
504 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Yea, today is really the first day of buck up that I have had in couple weeks. I spent a good half hour chatting online with an old friend who had 9 years of bad marriage that they managed to turn around today. I really just need to keep myself busy during that down time at the end of the day and Ill fell like the day is a success.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
504 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
It really seems like every time I get relaxed she pushes my buttons with one of the few things that immediately make me anxious.

Over the last few weeks she has really increased her time away with friends. I am not saying that she is out of the house every night but she is either out or trying to get out 2-3 nights a week now. The last couple times that we had large fights she fell into this same pattern until I became rude about it and it stopped. This time, I hope that she just gets her fill and knocks it back on her own.

Today she told me at 4PM that some friends were getting together tonight at about 8PM for an hour at a local restaurant to see a friend off that has been in town for the last week. This is the third time since Thursday that they have had a get together just for him. Technically fourth if you count meeting back up again today after having lunch this morning. I know there is nothing physical going on but she had become dependent on him mentally a couple years ago when they worked together.

Anyhow, as I have said before, I typically have a come apart everytime she goes out at night since she NEVER returns near the time that she says. Thursday of last week was the first time that I can remember where she came home even remotely close to the time that she gave me when she left. Even then she pushed it by coming home almost 30 minutes later. I felt like that was for her to prove to herself that she wasn't living by my rules but for her to avoid my drama. The Saturday before that she was going to be home some time before 11PM and that night ended when I had to call her over and over at 4:30 AM to wake her up off a male friends couch. So needless to say, I have ample reasons to be a total spazz when she leaves to go hang out with her friends.

As the today story goes, at first the talk was to run out for an hour and be home. I reminded her that I had work that I needed to do tonight and would not be able to take care of the kids (the first time in three weeks that I have let myself get behind on coursework) and that she starts a new job tomorrow morning and really does not need to have a super fun be home at 2AM drinking with my friends fest. As per our usual discussions, the heat turned on with her and the anxiety started with me. This time however, I think it ended differently.

This time I stopped the entire conversation and told her that I understand that time with her friends is one of the things that she enjoys the most and has missed the most since she had two kids. I told her that as part of me trying to be a better, more supportive husband, that I fully want to stop with the drama each time she goes out and let her enjoy herself. I also asked her to look at it from my side before she gets too angry. I told her that my anxiety comes from her inability to set normal times to come home and stick to them. I asked her to take into account the fact that she needs to be fresh tomorrow morning and that we have to start a new routine due to it and pick a time that she feels gives her plenty of time with her friends and will not make me feel like an ass when she blows off what she said. Believe it or not, the conversation turned friendly again and she told me that she would make it a point to be here by 10:30 at the latest, more than likely she would be home sooner. I told her that if she did indeed make it home that it would be a huge building block in her favor and I would feel more apt to trust her in the future.

You know, you really have to start building somewhere. To me, this has been one of the issues that has really hurt us in our marriage. She doesn't feel comfortable asking to go out because I spazz out about when she will be home and I feel disrespected every time she just stays another hour to finish talking to someone she hasn't seen in forever.

I really hope this turns out to be a victory for us tonight and not a giant argument at midnight that leads to a bad evening for us both.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
504 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Well, slight victory last night and huge defeat. She almost made it home by the time that she had picked. She was about 10 minutes late while was due to stopping and filling the vehicle that I am driving today up with gas and wrapping up a phone call. This is still part of her trying to make me realize that my rules do not apply to her currently. I did however really push an issue with her that caused us to sleep in separate rooms for the first time and me to not get to sleep until 2:30.

I heard her phone go off Sunday night while she was in the shower and grabbed it for her. When I looked it was a random text from one of her friends about much of nothing but I noticed the text below it was from her friend saying he would see her at 11AM on Monday. I've never had any weird vibes about this guy and he moved off a couple years back with his wife and kids. When I pulled him up I saw their lunch plans (which didn't matter to me in the least) but then I noticed that her conversations with him over the last few days were missing bits and pieces that had been deleted. Later in the evening I asked her about her plans for her last day off work and all she mentioned was meeting a girlfriend of hers and one of her friends friends for lunch, at 1:30. I left it alone and brought him up in another conversation later in the evening. I asked when he was heading home (Tuesday Morning) and if they all had any plans to hook back up before he left since we wouldn't see him for several more years I would guess. Her reply was "No, he is way to busy with his mom and family for that." Even when I told her that I was surprised that they didn't hook back up she kept to her story.

Yesterday I called her a bit after her denied lunch was to start and she actually answered. When I asked what she was up to she started with "Just sitting here". After a little prodding it became, "I'm sitting at a restaurant with Keith, he managed to come into town to see everyone one last time." I blew it off to her like it was no big deal, asked her whatever question I had for it, wished he a good day, and back to the office I went.

When she got home last night I had told her that I had started reading 5 love languages. One of my other friends suggested it so I downloaded it and started reading it while she was out last night. She then lays into me about how she wishes I would have done it four years ago and it really pisses her off that I am working on me now. She laid into me about how she really had just wanted me to leave a few weeks ago but now she has committed six months (not three anymore) to riding this thing out but she cannot promise that she will ever feel like being married to me again. I explained to her that it will be damn near impossible to keep working on me while around her if she just keeps that up every time I try to talk to her. I also told her that I really won't need six months, she will either become willing and receptive to the changes or I would make my own date to leave before the uncomfortableness became too much for me to handle. We then went to bed.

I don't know why but the whole situation was eating at me. I grabbed my phone and went back to the couch to do some reading so I could pass out. Curiosity then got the best of me. I started to wonder, if she was hiding something so simple as lunch with a friend, what else could she be hiding? I grabbed her phone off the couch and pulled up all of the old deleted messages and almost blew up.

I found messages between her and him making references to getting a hotel room, grabbing some wine, him making a crack about "Can we at least make out?", and her telling him that they could not because of both of their situations. Aside from that, there were other text messages with her other guy friend, that although nonsexual, were what was taking up all of the time between when we put the kids in bed and when we went to bed. I had assumed that she was just playing games on her phone, but she was really unwinding with another man at the end of the night.

Anyhow, I lost my cool. I have been very submissive during this whole ordeal but the thought that she may have been sneaking around behind my back with this friend of ours was too much to just sleep on. I stormed back into the bedroom and confronted her about it. I knew it would turn into "Why are you snooping on me?" but I could not help it, I am just getting kinda tired of being pushed around just because I am the one doing the fighting for our relationship.

First I asked he what was going on between the two of them and she said "Nothing, where is this coming from?". I that I knew she lied to me about meeting up for lunch and that raised suspicions. I told her that I had given her every chance on Sunday to tell me that the two of them were meeting up and she lied right to my face about it. I told her that at that moment I felt like she was doing something suspicious and needed to find out for myself. She finally woke up and told me that it was just harmless, they had always flirted around but she had not touched another man in the 12 years we have been together. She said that she had deleted those messages because she didn't want me to bump into them and feel like something was doing on that wasn't. I also asked her why she felt the need to delete all of her conversations with the other male friend that she has a way to deep emotional attachment to and she said the same thing, she didn't want me to feel like I was being ignored for him so she figured that it was easier to clean it up than deal with it next time I grabbed her phone for some reason.

I really wanted to believe her, but I was so raged out by that point that it got ugly. I raised my voice for the first time that I can remember. She asked me why we were doing this and I told her the truth, if she had not lied to my face about lunch then I would not have become suspicious that something was going on behind my back. If she had been honest, none of it would have went down. I also explained to her that in 12 years I had not even flirted with another woman, much less made jokes about grabbing a hotel room or making out. I told her that even though I am on the losing side in our relationship currently, this was not OK. There would be no more of this being sneaky and holding onto other men as a crutch.

Needless to say, we ended up in different rooms last night. After we finally got into bed she got back up and stormed into our daughters room. Neither of us really slept. She laid there awake until 1:30 and I was awake until almost 3. This morning was much more cordial. She asked me if I had anything to say about last night and I told her that I was sorry that I had taken it to such an extreme but I would expect her to do the same if I were doing things that made her feel like I was messing around. Today starts her new job, that she says she is taking in order to make me happy, and I remained positive and supportive all morning. We still hugged and told each other that we love each other, ran thorough all of the things that we need to accomplish today and out the door I went.

I told her that I was through talking about our issues for a while. I really do not have the energy to discuss it. She can sit back and see that I am making changes in my life to be a more effective husband and father or she can be miserable until March and we can go our separate ways. I've picked a date myself now that is much sooner than March. I personally cannot handle this that long. Granted I put her through a few years of a crappy marriage, but being in limbo is something my soul can only take for so long.

And yes, we still talked about our vacation this morning. It is so strange what we hold on to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
504 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
Never thought I would consider a day a successful based on not having it out with my wife.

Tuesday was the first day in three weeks where there were no discussions of our marriage or feelings or disappointments.

We had an excellent conversation at lunch about her new job and all of the people. We both avoided conversation about the blow up the night before with the exception of how tired we both were and that we would never do it again.

I planned to stay busy last night to avoid idle time that could create potential problems. I always feel the need to talk when it gets quiet and right now it is always "us" that I want to talk about.

I coached our daughters soccer game, then we ran out to do some shopping and pick up dinner. We talked and laughed most of the evening while running around. After we made it back home, we fed the kids and got everyone in bed about a half hour later than usual. I handled our son since he is usually fussy at bedtime so she could sit and relax alone for a while. After getting him to bed I grabbed one of my textbooks and hit the couch.

We had another talk about the new people that she was working with as well as selling a few vehicles and buying a bigger family car for trips. Everything seemed so natural. When we had talked (well, yelled for the first time actually) the night before she finally asked just what I wanted and I told he it was for her to just be normal and allow me to make the changes in my life that would please her and rescue our family. I really think that she is trying to let me adjust and make it up to her or giving me enough rope to hang myself.

We still are not cuddling in bed at night but that is not a huge surprise. I bought a king sized bed when the baby came so we would have room and we were so happy to have space that we slowly gravitated towards our own sides. I have started putting my hand on her shoulder when she rolls over and she reaches up to hold my fingers. To me, that has become the best part of my day.

Here's to today and no setbacks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,209 Posts
Seems she has a whole gang of friends from which you are excluded. This gang includes men with whom she has affairs. You believe they are merely EAs but she has partied very late. Don't you think she was taking it physical?

You are denied sex. That is often a sign that she wants to be faithful to a lover. Holding her finger tips makes you happy? Come on this unbearable, even to read about.

Every time you nag her about her social life with other men you have verbal confrontations. These just make you look weak. You must act?

Posted via Topify using iPhone/iPad
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
504 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
There were no physical affairs and the whole gang of friends includes mostly mutual friends. Also aside from the last few weeks she tends to go out on average twice a year. The other 363 days of the year she is sitting in our den playing with kids or cleaning up the house, typically without my help. So yea, if she was squeezing a PA in she should be on here giving people tips on how to do it. She has however relied on a couple other guys for conversation and support while I pretty much sat around and ignored her.

I don't remember mentioning being denied any sex other than in the last month, and I haven't even attempted to try. Seeing as I almost lived at a new address three weeks ago, pushing the physical issue would be a huge mistake.

And yes, right now I look weak. I have been on the weak side of every discussion since this all started, mostly due to the fact that I am to blame for a majority of it. I am acting and it seems to be getting better.

It's really not as simple as man up and tell your wife to get over it. That is some pro advice!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
500 Posts
I would contact her "friends" wife and ask for her number so you could send her the texts your wife and he had exchanged.

Tell her this was unacceptable to you and you wanted her to know about it. Then contact the friend and tell him you shared them with his wife and they are to cease. Remember - being nice about disrespect is never in your best interests.

Have you read Athol Kay's MMSL?

Lastly, do you have some one who could babysit the kids on a weekend so you two could maybe do a spa weekend away?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
504 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
Truth is, we do not really have any people to just take the kids for the weekend. My father and her father both live 10 or so hours away, her mother works twelves on most all weekends and really doesn't just stop by all that often. Since my mom was killed two years ago, we really just have not had that person to take the kids for us on a consistent basis. This really leads to us getting to go out without children once every couple months. We talked about that tonight actually.

I am pretty much over the texting the two guys deal. I did make a serious stand that involved me ranting and raving like a madman over it. One of the guys is just a platonic friend that she talks to constantly. For the longest time I was convinced that he was gay but he is apparently just into young chicks that party and drink heavily on a nightly basis. Their messages are also about stupid gossipy coworker junk and about her boredom sitting around the house while everyone ignores her. The other guy is where I had the issue since some of the things between them were inappropriate. I totally spazzed and blew her ass out for those. I know that I will see him next time he is in town so I will straighten it out with him as well.

One thing I remembered today was myself when I was in their industry. When I was a chef, I talked junk to every female that walked past my line. Hot or not, young or old, I made comments about what we were doing later that night and what we could do if their husbands were away. Would I have backed this up? Nah, it was part of the job as long as you didn't catch a sexual harassment suit. I am willing to bet that a good bit of his comments were the same. Out of all the texts, deleted ones and non-deleted ones, none of them were comments she made to him, it was all one sided from him to her. Either way, she knows that it is not appreciated and all hell will break lose if it happens again.

I did stumble upon Athol's site a few days ago and Ill add MMSL to my list.

On a happy note, I arranged a meeting with a new MC today for the 21st. I told my wife that I had made an appointment with a MC that also does IC and she was more than welcome to join me if she would like. She really didn't say anything at the time but a little while ago she approached me to make sure that I had someone lined up for the kids so we could go together.

Long road to go. Getting it done one step at a time.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
609 Posts
so respect = "become my servant"??....really...
There is NOTHING wrong with taking turns sleeping in while the other is up early with the kids, who the hell expects BOTH parents to get up for every feeding or crying, that is just stupid

and if I am working full time and she is home, there will be times when I sit on my ass while she does housework...

also...you mentioned it had been a year since you cuddled with your daughter...you missed an entire year?!?!?...not judging, just feel bad for you on this one...

she sounds like she has another dude waiting and is just fishing for reasons to give you the boot...dont leave, dont abandon the kids...stay there, let her move into the other house...you leave and its abandonment...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
504 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Yea, we never took turns with anything. If a kid woke up she went and got them. Last weekend was the first time since my son was born that I got up with him and let her sleep in.

I felt the same way about the house work. For the longest she didn't work or only worked a few hours a week so I let her do all the housework and really never paid any attention to if she cared or not. Other than the last 8 months of our relationshp, she has worked full time and handled both kids. Since we hooked up 12 years ago we have had a fight about every third year about how she would like me to do more around the house so she didn't feel like a maid. I usually do pretty good about chipping in for a few weeks until I am not in trouble and then I go right back to sitting around playing games or reading while she handles all the business.

As for checking out with the kids, yep I pretty much did it. I really didn't put out any affection to anyone around me. We still did family things or played around in the yard but my wife handled all of the bedtime duties or sick kid duties while I ignored most everything around me.

I am rather sure there is no other guy still. If it were that simple we would split right up. If she wanted me out of the house when this all started she could have said there was one and she knows that would have ended any talks. I asked her straight up twice if it were another guy or even the possibility of another guy and both times she told me that she has not messed around with anyone since we met and is simply tired of being used like a servant and sex machine.

If it turns out to be another guy I will be sure to make a video for everyone of me eating my hat. Sometimes the most logical answer (She is tired of her husband ignoring his family and not making any real contributions other than a paycheck) is the answer.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
504 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
And on a different note, we had a second day with no real discussion of our issues and problems. She had her second day at her new job and it was terrible to her. Being a restaurant person for the last fifteen years she is not used to an office setting. It was quite an adjustment for me to go from the free form lifestyle of hospitality to the mostly rigid, just you and four walls, life of an office worker. The entirety of her day consisted of sitting in an empty office (her new office will not be ready for two weeks) and reading manual after manual about state legal practices. It is really going to take some adjustment for her.

I made sure to tell her that although I had not really been here to talk in the last few years that I was there to be supportive and listen to her vent. For the first time in recent memory we set the children in the other room in front of the TV (we really do not let them watch TV) and just sat at the kitchen table so she could vent. It turns out that she really only took this job so I would be proud of her and so I would feel like she was finally contributing financially to the family. I did my best to just let her get it out and by the end of the conversation she had turned back into her happy old self. Aside from that, she really spent no time later that evening talking to her girlfriends on Facebook like what has become more common these days. Instead, we put the kids to bed, I took a quick exam, and we played a game of chess while we talked about nothing. It felt good to hang out and laugh with her again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
504 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
It is strange. We seem to be in a step forward, set back pattern around the house.

Last night I tried to break the cycle of put the kids in bed and then do our own things. Once we sat down for the evening she jumped on Facebook as usual. I asked her if she wanted to just hang out and talk or play a game (we are really big into board games). I really did not want to get into anything emotional but of course once we started talking.

She told me that she really gave up on us over a month ago. She felt like I would never change and that the only thing she could do was to wall me off and find a way to separate. Even with the positive changes that I have made and the course that I am staying on, she really does not know if her feelings will come back. She told me that she had become so used to being alone that she learned to accept it and that she had made it OK to not have me around. I asked her again if there was someone else, or even the though of someone else and she still says no. She had been dedicated to fixing us for some time now but she had finally checked out and she is unsure if it is just too late. I was also told that affection between us currently did nothing for her. It didn't disgust her but she did not crave it. At some point I had my arms around her and she said she no longer felt that safe feeling and that it would all be OK when we touched.

I really didn't know where to go with that. I told her that if that was where this was going to stay then we could just wrap it all up when we got home from our vacation on Nov 2nd. I really didn't feel that I could stay with someone that no longer cared to work it out. I also told her that I kinda felt like she had already picked a date in her mind of when she was going to tell me "See look, you have tried for X amount of time to be a great husband and the feelings are just not there. Here are your papers." She assured me that it was not true and that any split would be mutual.

After that the mood of the conversation shifted and she told me some truths that I had not heard. Right now she is forcing herself to not let me back in. She is really just holding on and waiting to see what I do and how I handle this whole situation. She told me that I am still her husband and she loves me but she really does not want to risk allowing me feelings and emotions if I will just cut her off all over again. She told me that she was feeling like she is letting herself down by giving me one last chance since she had made her mind up already.

That last statement was both hopeful and crushing. She has backed down on any sort of time limit to work things out, it has become more of a lets see how this feels as it progresses. She hopes that through counseling she can break down the wall that she built and allow our family to heal. She finished the conversation by saying she would work on it and give us a chance.

I have no clue if she is serious or just trying to shut me up for a few days but she stuck to her guns this morning. I asked her if she was just trying to appease me and end the conversation last night or if she meant what she said. She told me that she meant that she will work on it, she could not promise me that she would get over it but she will quit trying to ignore it.

After we loaded the son up in my vehicle this morning we hugged and she cried. I kissed her on the cheek, told her that regardless of all the crap we have going on, I loved her and wished her a good day at her new job. A little while later she called to see if I had something in my car and told me she loved me as we got off the phone.

Who knows where this is going? I hope that we look back on this in 10 years and are thankful that we went through it because our marriage came out stronger in the end.

Here's to Friday night. May it be less emotional and more fulfilling.
 
1 - 20 of 935 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top