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Rob,
may i ask you to explain better the dont do anything its all academics?
It's all academics means that you can have all the theories, and formulas worked out, but as long as you don't put them in practice, then it's all academics.
Same in life, you can can have all your boundaries and consequences of those boundaries being broken in your head, but as long as they get not enforced, then, it's all semantics, academics, wishful thinking, whatever you'd want to call it.

I'm old, but I know what I know not because I'm smart or anything, but because I'm old enough to have experienced what works, and what doesn’t work in life. If I would had been borne knowing it all, then, I would have achieved everything in my life very early on.
One thing I learned though, when it comes to relationships, YOU GOT TO BE THE PRIZE. When you're not the prize then, you're the one looking for the prize. Right there you're at a disadvantage my friend, because the other person would have power over you.

Fact is as long as I have been with my wife (almost 30 years), as much as I love her, if she were to come up with the shenanigans that your wife is putting you through, I would tell her the day she leaves, "here this is a copy of the divorce papers. You will be served as soon as they are ready".

That's how you do it, no back and forth. No living in fear and "hopium ", because as much as it would hurt me, my pride and dignity wouldn't allow me to beg. I'm the prize. If she doesn't want it, hey, someone else would. Of that I'm absolutely certain. So I don't play the "pick me" dance, or the back and forth in hope twisting her arms to be with me. That's pathetic.
 

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SunCMars,
it is very sad and true indeed. so what s your suggestion? what would you do in my shoes?
I read your most recent posts.

Don't bother checking up on her, she is obviously a cheater.

File for divorce, immediately!

Then ghost her, as much as possible.
.....................................................................

One, related question: Is there a waiting period in your state where you must be separated for some period, prior to divorce?
 
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Discussion Starter · #44 ·
I read your most recent posts. Don't bother checking up on her, she is obviously a cheater. File for divorce, immediately! Then ghost her, as much as possible. ..................................................................... One, related question: Is there a waiting period in your state where you must be separated for some period, prior to divorce?
Yes. 1 year. I can't ghost her too much. We have a 6 yrs old daughter :-/
 

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Yes. 1 year. I can't ghost her too much. We have a 6 yrs old daughter :-/
She may know this and is biding her time?

See a lawyer, get the time she moved out to be officially on the divorce clock.

Start the 180 on her.

Only talk about your shared child's issues, nothing else.
Shut down any of her extraneous conversations.
She has earned the silent treatment.

You need a break from her lying and her truth spinning.
 
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Discussion Starter · #47 ·
She may know this and is biding her time?

See a lawyer, get the time she moved out to be officially on the divorce clock.

Start the 180 on her.

Only talk about your shared child's issues, nothing else.
Shut down any of her extraneous conversations.
She has earned the silent treatment.

You need a break from her lying and her truth spinning.
Sun/ALL,
i had a conversation with her yesterday night based on telling her it s better now to officially take a break from each other and go ahead with filing the divorce paper.
told her that i accepted that she is not now the person i fell in love with..That the dude just made the situation worst but the main issue is her general confusion and lost of lucidity in everything she is doing/handling.
During the conversation she pointed out that this should have been our clean slate for a fresh start and that in the past two weeks she has shown me that i m the one she wants to be with, that she has been clear about the other dude been just a friend and that i didnt trust her.
Told her..whatever it is ..you are telling me that this situation that has been shady from the beginning changed to sending the dude pics, talking to him every day and organize a drink out has to be ok with me and i just have to trust you? i m sorry..i can't have you disrespect me,whatever you want with whoever you want and be ok with that because i trust you. this shouldn t even exist nor been an issue.
During the convo she tried to get defensive in a couple of situation but i kept myself composed and told her that i dont want to argue, i just hope she will find her happiness back and she said me too.
So...first part of my intentions is done. follow up is important.
Obviously after 10 years i still want to be with her but only doing this and make everything clear and telling her that now she has to help herself getting out of this cofusion is the only way i can have her back.
Keep been together and do same things but living in a separate house and trust her may have brought her back but i may have not been convinced because of potential resentment on allowing her things that i dont like. so..as of now, i m relatively happy.
Wish me luck guys..whatever happens.
 

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Wish me luck guys..whatever happens.
There you are again..whatever happens?? no dude, you are not listening, you are continuing letting her dictate the outcome of your life. "whatever happens" means that you are still expecting her to tell you: honey, I though better about it, I choose you. What, are you, Pikachu?

You keep having these conversations where you actually say a lot but nothing that would really hit home to her. You keep talking, she keeps stalling you with half meanings.

Dude a man that have pride or self respect meets with her and hand her over either actual divorce papers or a copy and tell her: I have decided that I not longer want you as my wife after all the disrespect you have given me. Have a nice life. Then you walk away, that's all. But not, here you are still wanting her back and letting her do the next move while you passively wait. After all the disrespect, why dude, why you want to be with her? don't you have any pride?

I guess this is one of the reasons why today's women feel so entitled to disrespect their partner: today's dudes have little self-respect and dignity.
 

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Your mistake was having that long winded conversation with her.
You keep trying and she keeps lying.

you want to believe her so badly you accept her lies.

her actions show you she doesn’t respect nor love you anymore. That’s ALL you need to know.

her words are to manipulate you and get MORE out of you.

stop talking to her about anything personal. File for divorce and get a custody order in place.
 

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Discussion Starter · #50 ·
There you are again..whatever happens?? no dude, you are not listening, you are continuing letting her dictate the outcome of your life. "whatever happens" means that you are still expecting her to tell you: honey, I though better about it, I choose you. What, are you, Pikachu?

You keep having these conversations where you actually say a lot but nothing that would really hit home to her. You keep talking, she keeps stalling you with half meanings.

Dude a man that have pride or self respect meets with her and hand her over either actual divorce papers or a copy and tell her: I have decided that I not longer want you as my wife after all the disrespect you have given me. Have a nice life. Then you walk away, that's all. But not, here you are still wanting her back and letting her do the next move while you passively wait. After all the disrespect, why dude, why you want to be with her? don't you have any pride?

I guess this is one of the reasons why today's women feel so entitled to disrespect their partner: today's dudes have little self-respect and dignity.
Rob,
with all the respect, i hear what you are saying but i would expect more suggestions than judgements. At the end of the day only who is inside the relationship evaluates what s best and whats not, what s right or wrong and what to do or not. And i know i know..who is in the relationship sometimes is blind to the evidence. i m not stupid..i know but i m not. i see clear and i take decisions accordingly. i could have stayed with her and be an idiot but i didnt. There..here is your hit home!
All relationships are different. not because yours or others went wrong mine have to as well. even if there are similarities.
The good thing in all of this is that i know my wife (at least who used to be) and it s obvious she has not a clear mind right now been in a situation where she only put herself in. if it was only the dude i would say ok..she is just looking for something else. but it s also other things, like spending **** ton of money for things she dont need, buying new things where the ones she moved in with are still all around, focusing on creating her own gym in the laundry room not thinking that maybe is better to move stuff from the inside the house floor so kids and roommate cannot trip on it, not thinking about when our daughter is hungry like she did before etc etc etc. She is not in the right state of mind. not sure what clicked in her mind but something did and the wrong way.
On top of that.. i m catholic and a family oriented person and when there is my daughter in the middle i swallow my pride and think twice. Again..not saying i forgive her.
This decision is the best i could have made cause i told her straight what i think and I told her that only if we take a break we both will find our happiness back.
If yesterday night she would have told me she wants to come back with me i honestly would have felt that is not the right thing to do now for me because on my side i m still disappointed/pissed on the way she handled the situation with the dude so restarting our life together with resentment is not good for me!
she needs her own space now and i need mine. she needs to find herself back and i need to focus on myself and my daughter.
Now it can go either way, either we are back together or not but it will be good anyway for me.
After 10 years together and a lot built together i dont feel giving up on us but at the same time i m not ok with the situation.
to be honest in order for us to come back she will have to beg me on her knees and i know that it may sound misogynist but only that will make me really think that she is sorry and she was wrong, which she is.
Here in Louisiana you can get legally divorced after 1 year so anyway i cannot completely close the bridges with her as well as we have a daughter together and i want a civil relationship for her even if we are not together.
Again...i hear what you say but i m absolutely sure that for myself first, this is the best decision i could have made.
 
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