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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
This is the part that it seems he's not willing to do (afraid, I guess). Unfortunately, in the end if he doesn't do it we all know where it all will end up.
Rob... easy tiger..was not kidding when i said that i know myself and i have a good self-esteem of myself. Fortunately I still have my brain on top of my head. i m planning to do it cause y alls comments confirm what i was already thinking.
The fact that i waited now 3 weeks/1 month after she moves is just because i wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt given that marriage, by Catholicism, is "in good or bad". This is the bad and i needed to see if it was a real down time for her cause by incomprehensions or down time cause she may look for something else.
As husbands i need to help her out as much as I can, as well as a wife she should do the same if i have a down period.
However, i understood in this time that she is the insecure one and as much as i can help her, she has to help herself first.
Sure it sucks but i need to have a conversation with her, tell her what it should happen in one way or another and wait her answer, whatever it is. i m not ready to move on yet (10 years is a lot of time to forget in a blink of an eye) but at the same time i m tired of this teenager bs approach.
will keep you guys posted. thank you for helping
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
Rob... easy tiger..was not kidding when i said that i know myself and i have a good self-esteem of myself. Fortunately I still have my brain on top of my head. i m planning to do it cause y alls comments confirm what i was already thinking.
The fact that i waited now 3 weeks/1 month after she moves is just because i wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt given that marriage, by Catholicism, is "in good or bad". This is the bad and i needed to see if it was a real down time for her cause by incomprehensions or down time cause she may look for something else.
As husbands i need to help her out as much as I can, as well as a wife she should do the same if i have a down period.
However, i understood in this time that she is the insecure one and as much as i can help her, she has to help herself first.
Sure it sucks but i need to have a conversation with her, tell her what it should happen in one way or another and wait her answer, whatever it is. i m not ready to move on yet (10 years is a lot of time to forget in a blink of an eye) but at the same time i m tired of this teenager bs approach.
will keep you guys posted. thank you for helping

Rob and all...just had a talk with her. told her i was leaving work for a lunch break going to my house to jump naked in my pool and i told her i ll see her there. she said ok.
got home she was already naked in the pool LOL. obv you understand how it went.
After....i started the convo and told her i waited 1 month just as respect for our 10 years together but 1 month was my expiration date to decide what to do. told her that even if i love her and the time we have together now.. i love myself too and dont want this situation because i feel in a limbo and this situation is not good for anybody beside her. Asked her if she feels that she can be back living together right now and after a pause she said.. yes but can i counterpropose? she said yes..i am but what you think if you move to my house (our rental property) and we refinance the house and make it as we like. she explained her view of us living there
told her...we ll figure the logistics out but my question was if you are ready now otherwise i need to keep going with my life with or without you. she said yes.
then we switched the conversation to the guy. Did not mention that days ago she sent a flirtatious pic to him, i caught it and she said "he is just a friend, i know that the pic is flirtatious but it was just a text after i drank".
yesterday he went to her house to check some pots and pans that she wanted to get rid of (she previously told me he would and also my friend and her son who live there were there too when he went over). She told yesterday night he went over which i appreciate but i pointed out that if she would have told me earlier when he was there so it would have been more honest and less shady. she mentioned again that he is just a friend and would like me to meet him if ok with me. didnt answer.
today we talked about a text that she received yesterday night from him and i asked her to share. she was like..it is something that i dont know if i m ready yet to tell you. BS..but i was like..oh ok.
so today i asked her what it was and she told me it was about sunday and meeting him for a drink to thank him for fixing an issue she had with a gas line.
i told her..well..i don't like the idea and you say you want to get back together..I think going to have a drink is shady as well even if you a re telling me ..so what will you do?
long story short i told her that she has to close the friendship with him because it s the only way i can pass over this shadiness around the friendship. she said i have a lot of friends and she never had many, he is only a friend and she wants to invite him over for me to meet. told her i dont have any issue with you having male friends and never had as long as there is clear communication and not shadiness like in this case.
i told her..listen..i m frankly tired of telling you yes for things i dont like and this is one of it. i m sure he is a nice guy but you made a mistake to dont mention him or make it clear about his existance and this is what brought us her now. So my answer is no. i told you what i think about the drink and the situation so it s up to you what you r going to do. what importance this friendship has compared to our marriage. just let me know so i know if i have to move forward with or without you
then i left the house.
so...let s see what she does but beside that..if in 2 days she does not mention anything i ll bring it back for the last time and close it once and for all

thoughts?
 

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yesterday he went to her house to check some pots and pans that she wanted to get rid of (she previously told me he would and also my friend and her son who live there were there too when he went over). She told yesterday night he went over which i appreciate but i pointed out that if she would have told me earlier when he was there so it would have been more honest and less shady. she mentioned again that he is just a friend and would like me to meet him if ok with me. didnt answer.
today we talked about a text that she received yesterday night from him and i asked her to share. she was like..it is something that i dont know if i m ready yet to tell you. BS..but i was like..oh ok.
so today i asked her what it was and she told me it was about sunday and meeting him for a drink to thank him for fixing an issue she had with a gas line.
Yup, as we said, the move to another place was for her to have some freedom to explore!
I think you made a couple of mistakes, but going from a YES man to:
i told her..listen..i m frankly tired of telling you yes for things i dont like and this is one of it. i m sure he is a nice guy but you made a mistake to dont mention him or make it clear about his existance and this is what brought us her now. So my answer is no. i told you what i think about the drink and the situation so it s up to you what you r going to do. what importance this friendship has compared to our marriage. just let me know so i know if i have to move forward with or without you
Is a pretty damn good progress to set the tone and frame for you marriage!
If something is shady, or something you don't like or approve then speak up and never bend backwords!

Here is the issue now, you need to keep your eyes more open now, she might escalate the "friendship" before returning home, and then takes it underground!

This part didn't sit well with me:
today we talked about a text that she received yesterday night from him and i asked her to share. she was like..it is something that i dont know if i m ready yet to tell you.
If it's normal friendship as she claims, she would have opened her phone and handed it to you!
Not ready means, I need to clean up the chat history!
And a man inviting a married women for drinks is not shady... this is an outright dating and SHE knows it, that's why she was not ready to share anything about it with you, and to soften things with you she brought up this:
he is only a friend and she wants to invite him over for me to meet.
Do you know how many stories here in this forum where wives brought their affair partner to meet their husbands while they are banging and joking behind his back and calling him a cuckold?!

Check her phone to see what she told him when you told her to cut him off!
I hope I'm wrong, but I have a feeling that you might post soon in the "Coping with Infidelity" section of this forum!
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
Yup, as we said, the move to another place was for her to have some freedom to explore!
I think you made a couple of mistakes, but going from a YES man to:

Is a pretty damn good progress to set the tone and frame for you marriage!
If something is shady, or something you don't like or approve then speak up and never bend backwords!

Here is the issue now, you need to keep your eyes more open now, she might escalate the "friendship" before returning home, and then takes it underground!

That part didn't sit well with me:

If it's normal friendship as she claims, she would have open her phone and handed it to you!
Not ready means, I need to clean up the chat history!
And a man inviting a married women for drinks is not shady... this is an outright dating and SHE knows it, that's why she ready to share anything about it with you, and to make soften things with you she brought up the this:

Do you know how many stories here in this forum where wives brought their affair partner to meet their husbands while they are banging and joking behind his back and calling him a cuckold?!

Check her phone to see what she told him when you told her to cut him off!
I hope I'm wrong, but I have a feeling that you might post soon in the "Coping with Infidelity" section of this forum!
Kaliber,
thank you for your thoughts. That phrase didnt sit well with me last night and dont sit well with me today after she told me what it was. Not sure it makes sense for her to tell me "cannot show cause i m not ready yet" when the matter was only a drink out. so i guess it s like you said..she needed to clean up a little bit.
yeah bro.. like she says...i have a lot of good friends in my life and i kept all friendship alive cause i didnt do or start anything shady with them.
we have a lot of friends in our group so she could have potentially talked about us and the situation with our friends.. not sure the need of reopen a "friendship" that made us argue.
Anyway.. now that i know i ll ask her to see her phone..so i can see if she cancelled the texts about it or not. also maybe to check how is she handling the ultimatum.
Nah..not going to be in that group LOL. i know how to cope with it. i move forward and keep my life going. But hey, you may find me in "wtf happened to my wife to decide to move out" group LOL
 

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Rob and all...just had a talk with her. told her i was leaving work for a lunch break going to my house to jump naked in my pool and i told her i ll see her there. she said ok.
got home she was already naked in the pool LOL. obv you understand how it went.
After....i started the convo and told her i waited 1 month just as respect for our 10 years together but 1 month was my expiration date to decide what to do. told her that even if i love her and the time we have together now.. i love myself too and dont want this situation because i feel in a limbo and this situation is not good for anybody beside her. Asked her if she feels that she can be back living together right now and after a pause she said.. yes but can i counterpropose? she said yes..i am but what you think if you move to my house (our rental property) and we refinance the house and make it as we like. she explained her view of us living there
told her...we ll figure the logistics out but my question was if you are ready now otherwise i need to keep going with my life with or without you. she said yes.
then we switched the conversation to the guy. Did not mention that days ago she sent a flirtatious pic to him, i caught it and she said "he is just a friend, i know that the pic is flirtatious but it was just a text after i drank".
yesterday he went to her house to check some pots and pans that she wanted to get rid of (she previously told me he would and also my friend and her son who live there were there too when he went over). She told yesterday night he went over which i appreciate but i pointed out that if she would have told me earlier when he was there so it would have been more honest and less shady. she mentioned again that he is just a friend and would like me to meet him if ok with me. didnt answer.
today we talked about a text that she received yesterday night from him and i asked her to share. she was like..it is something that i dont know if i m ready yet to tell you. BS..but i was like..oh ok.
so today i asked her what it was and she told me it was about sunday and meeting him for a drink to thank him for fixing an issue she had with a gas line.
i told her..well..i don't like the idea and you say you want to get back together..I think going to have a drink is shady as well even if you a re telling me ..so what will you do?
long story short i told her that she has to close the friendship with him because it s the only way i can pass over this shadiness around the friendship. she said i have a lot of friends and she never had many, he is only a friend and she wants to invite him over for me to meet. told her i dont have any issue with you having male friends and never had as long as there is clear communication and not shadiness like in this case.
i told her..listen..i m frankly tired of telling you yes for things i dont like and this is one of it. i m sure he is a nice guy but you made a mistake to dont mention him or make it clear about his existance and this is what brought us her now. So my answer is no. i told you what i think about the drink and the situation so it s up to you what you r going to do. what importance this friendship has compared to our marriage. just let me know so i know if i have to move forward with or without you
then i left the house.
so...let s see what she does but beside that..if in 2 days she does not mention anything i ll bring it back for the last time and close it once and for all

thoughts?
Sounds like she is already sleeping with this guy. And you have no way of knowing.
 

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lifeistooshort and others...she did not leave our daughter at my place and go. we talked to our daughter together and every day we make her decide where she wants to sleep. lately has been at her house. thanks god she is still a good mom. my note was more like..how can you do that to your child..like separating. but it happens i guess.
PS. i agree that if there is anything going on with this dude is a rebound and i will not ****ing get her back if she choose another route..with or without realizing she made a mistake.
Sorry man but good moms don’t destroy their families.
 

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Don’t stay with her unless she takes a polygraph test. I’d bet money your wife has been sleeping with him.

the sex with you is to keep you quiet and compliant.
She plans to stay with you while she cheats because you provide her many things she wants. Except she also wants another man too.

I notice your wife is the one who is shady. She doesn’t offer the full truth until she has to. She is a sneaky one - the worst kind.

polygraph immediately. You need to know what’s real. The main question to ask “did you have any physical contact with ____ (OM).

Don’t be so nice to her - she’s test driving another potential husband. And don’t move for her - stay in your own place - she thinks she is calling the shots now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #31 ·
Big mistake you did there dude. You should had demanded the phone right there and them. No handing over thephone?, it would have been good-bye and have a nice life.

Something does not jive quite right though. You need to up your game as far as finding what's she doing when you're not watching.
how? private investigator?
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
Don’t stay with her unless she takes a polygraph test. I’d bet money your wife has been sleeping with him.

the sex with you is to keep you quiet and compliant.
She plans to stay with you while she cheats because you provide her many things she wants. Except she also wants another man too.

I notice your wife is the one who is shady. She doesn’t offer the full truth until she has to. She is a sneaky one - the worst kind.

polygraph immediately. You need to know what’s real. The main question to ask “did you have any physical contact with ____ (OM).

Don’t be so nice to her - she’s test driving another potential husband. And don’t move for her - stay in your own place - she thinks she is calling the shots now.
will not move from my house.
also..polygraph test? like i tell her to get the test? idk about that..what do i accomplish? i prefer if it comes from her. it will suck but i would appreciate more because it dictates the "civil part" of been parents for our daughter.
have you guys made your partner doing the test? how did you even propose? and did they accept?
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
Big mistake you did there dude. You should had demanded the phone right there and them. No handing over thephone?, it would have been good-bye and have a nice life.

Something does not jive quite right though. You need to up your game as far as finding what's she doing when you're not watching.
just bought a car tracker on amazon. i will put it under her car and see where she goes when i m not around.
 

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just let me know so i know if i have to move forward with or without you
then i left the house.
Not sure it makes sense for her to tell me "cannot show cause i m not ready yet" when the matter was only a drink out
The fact that i waited now 3 weeks/1 month after she moves is just because i wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt
@WhoDat83, just to give you a few lines written by you to show you how you have been letting her carry the narrative. What you need to understand is that in situations like your, you do not let the other person controlled the narrative to the outcome that they are seeking. YOU DO, you control the narrative per what you are willing to put up with (you shouldn't have to put up with anything, though).

You are getting there, slowly but you're getting there. The main thing to understand in this types of situations is to just convey clearly and precisely what is it that you want, not with all the going arounds from you and her. All you are doing is stretching the situation unnecessarily. The "I'm not ready yet", "let me Know", "I'm waiting", is a direct acceptance of letting her have your future in her hands. You are letting her determine it. Love and relationship shouldn't be that hard. It should be and easy peaceful slow rolling motion with little friction. When a relationship is forced, then you get what you're getting because is not supposed to be. We hear it all the time, "But I love her", like if loving her has anything to do with it. You can love a person all you want, but if that person is not giving back the same, then it will never work. Better to part ways and seek a new partner if that's still what one's want.

That's why when you things get to the point where you have to ask, demand, coerce, cajole, then what for to continue? My first wife after 7 years together all of the sudden she didn't want sex. I let it slide without pushing at all, because she say it was her, not me. After three months I spoke once, and that was it, I left. Best decision I ever did. No, crying, begging, demanding, forcing. We can all get out of a bad relationship, all you :must" be ready to do is to have the courage, the self respect and dignity to walk away.


how? private investigator?
No necessarily, but that's the easiest, results guaranteed, but expensive way. If I were to make sure that there's not someone else before I proceed to trying to fix a relationship, I would do just what you did: a tracker to check where's she's going. Barrow a car on a Friday/Saturday to stake her out to check who's coming and going. But in truth, if I were to get to the point of needing to do that, then, what for? it's over. Why go through all that bother.
 

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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
@WhoDat83, just to give you a few lines written by you to show you how you have been letting her carry the narrative. What you need to understand is that in situations like your, you do not let the other person controlled the narrative to the outcome that they are seeking. YOU DO, you control the narrative per what you are willing to put up with (you shouldn't have to put up with anything, though).

You are getting there, slowly but you're getting there. The main thing to understand in this types of situations is to just convey clearly and precisely what is it that you want, not with all the going arounds from you and her. All you are doing is stretching the situation unnecessarily. The "I'm not ready yet", "let me Know", "I'm waiting", is a direct acceptance of letting her have your future in her hands. You are letting her determine it. Love and relationship shouldn't be that hard. It should be and easy peaceful slow rolling motion with little friction. When a relationship is forced, then you get what you're getting because is not supposed to be. We hear it all the time, "But I love her", like if loving her has anything to do with it. You can love a person all you want, but if that person is not giving back the same, then it will never work. Better to part ways and seek a new partner if that's still what one's want.

That's why when you things get to the point where you have to ask, demand, coerce, cajole, then what for to continue? My first wife after 7 years together all of the sudden she didn't want sex. I let it slide without pushing at all, because she say it was her, not me. After three months I spoke once, and that was it, I left. Best decision I ever did. No, crying, begging, demanding, forcing. We can all get out of a bad relationship, all you :must" be ready to do is to have the courage, the self respect and dignity to walk away.




No necessarily, but that's the easiest, results guaranteed, but expensive way. If I were to make sure that there's not someone else before I proceed to trying to fix a relationship, I would do just what you did: a tracker to check where's she's going. Barrow a car on a Friday/Saturday to stake her out to check who's coming and going. But in truth, if I were to get to the point of needing to do that, then, what for? it's over. Why go through all that bother.
Rob,
same question i m asking myself. if i m at the point i need to check her phone or buying a tracker or hiring a PI (which i m not too be honest, too expensive)..then why..for what??
i will never accept to move to her house (our rental property) cause she will completely feel the control of everything or everybody including myself and i will not allow it. also if i move there and rent my first house and something happens again..i will be the one that has to move out. and i worked hard and smart in order to own two houses. i will not see myself out of both because of her.
 

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Rob,
same question i m asking myself. if i m at the point i need to check her phone or buying a tracker or hiring a PI (which i m not too be honest, too expensive)..then why..for what??
i will never accept to move to her house (our rental property) cause she will completely feel the control of everything or everybody including myself and i will not allow it. also if i move there and rent my first house and something happens again..i will be the one that has to move out. and i worked hard and smart in order to own two houses. i will not see myself out of both because of her.
Just a reminder: It's not just how and when you see yourself moving forward, but what are you doing to move forward. We can see ourselves in various types of scenarios moving forward, but as long as you don't do anything, then it's all academics.
 

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I know that there is still something there otherwise she would not spend almost every day together and if she is riding him why she comes to ride me often? those are the questions i ask myself.
Because she is making sure you stick around as plan B in case this new guy doesn't work out. Her contacting him again tells you what you need to know. She wants to act single and bang other guys, and still have YOU sitting around waiting for her in case she needs a soft place to land.
 

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You mentioned that she is unstable.

That is the crux of the problem, no other descriptive words need to be attached.

She is going through a phase, the seven year itch, mid-life crisis, something.......and she has lost control of her thoughts and actions.

She is having sex with you on a regular basis to keep you sated. So that you do not go out and find her replacement.

She wants to leave, but the circumstances have not been favorable to her, at this juncture.

She has a plan, one that is either foggy, or is still developing.

She may be shopping online for a new partner
 
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Discussion Starter · #39 ·
Just a reminder: It's not just how and when you see yourself moving forward, but what are you doing to move forward. We can see ourselves in various types of scenarios moving forward, but as long as you don't do anything, then it's all academics.
Rob,
may i ask you to explain better the dont do anything its all academics?
 

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Discussion Starter · #40 ·
You mentioned that she is unstable.

That is the crux of the problem, no other descriptive words need to be attached.

She is going through a phase, the seven year itch, mid-life crisis, something.......and she has lost control of her thoughts and actions.

She is having sex with you on a regular basis to keep you sated. So that you do not go out and find her replacement.

She wants to leave, but the circumstances have not been favorable to her, at this juncture.

She has a plan, one that is either foggy, or is still developing.

She may be shopping online for a new partner
SunCMars,
it is very sad and true indeed. so what s your suggestion? what would you do in my shoes?
 
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