[WhoDat83]

Good Day All,
very new to the group and trying to get a suggestion on both sides, men and women on my situation.
Been with my wife for 10 yrs and married 6. Our relationship has always been great in every aspect of life.
in the past 2 years we have had an argument every 3 months because of various issues. too long to write and i dont want to annoy you with particulars.
We started to go to counseling and it was helping a little to see each others point of view but my major concern was that she does not respect me anymore like it was in the past. she asks me opinions but when i tell her i dont agree and explain her why she may not like it. so, you asking me just for an approval or my opinion counts?
Her concern was that she feels like every decision of her should pass by me first which i see it as natural. I dont take a decision and never did, especially important, without asking her if she agrees. and it is not because i m unsecure or i dont know what to do. i m absolutely capable to take decisions myself...I just i see marriage this way. you do stuff for the family together and i ask my wife cause i respect her and our love. On her side, she sees it as a weight.
On top of that..3 yrs ago she started to text with a guy (a parent of a kid that went to school with our daughter). normal texts at the beginning so i was like..ok she has a new friend. but her questions to him were getting a little deeper like interested more in who he was. So we had a conversation about it and she stopped talking to him because it was bothering me.
Mix of factors brought me to have a convo with her about having doubts on our relationship and my intention was to talk about it. On her point of view i was giving up on our partnership and no matter what she was doing she felt it was not enough for me or "my standards". which it was not true..my thoughts were still on the losing respect. i was hoping her to ask me..hey you want to talk about it..what you having doubts on? how can we solve it?..No. after that her decision was that she wanted to separate for a little time because she wanted to focus on her own expectations more than the family ones.
So she moved to our rental property, right around the corner to our house, almost a month ago. i helped her out. not thrilled about it (maybe stupid) but i did.
from that day, we have been practically doing same things with the only difference of sleeping in different houses. and not even cause we basically have sex every 2 days and is still great on both sides. yesterday last..we had sex at lunch and she slept over to "my" house.
so basically not much has changed cause we are always together.
Despite that...i m focusing on what i could have done better in some situation we had and hope she is doing the same. i think that this situation is both our fault, not hers, not mine.
Before she moved, she got back in contact with that person we argued about. she had conversation about there is still love but she does not know if we can be partners anymore and one day she sent you a flirtatious pic to him. Saw it on her phone and we had a conversation. she admitted it was a flirtatious pic but she doesn't want anybody else in her life that is not me. questionable..words vs facts.
We both are willing to work this out and get back together but her actions are different than her words. sometimes she shows me she is going towards it, sometimes not.
i actually checked her phone few days ago and no contact (text etc) with this person which it is either she is really focusing on our relationship while she works on insecurities (i assume) or she deletes the texts so i cant see it.
i also told her...hey, if he is just a friend.. invite him over so i finally meet him and his kid can play with our daughter. her reaction was..i wanted to but you are not giving me the time. Obv..as you may think..it s BS. had enough time to do that.
Now...just to conclude....I need your suggestions or thoughts but here is where i am now............ she keeps saying we are soulmates and dont see anybody who can give her what i do.
I think she became insecure on herself and what she wants and been a kid that wants to hide in front of issues instead of staying home and solve them finding compromises (cause that is what marriage is for me..you grow together and you keep find compromises to the obstacles life brings you as individual as well as a couple).
not sure where the insecurity comes from cause one of the things i ve done almost every single day (genuinely) is to tell my wife how beautiful she is.
on my side...i m going throu a rollercoaster of emotions...some days i m happy and some days i just want to tell her..listen..i m almost 40yrs old..dont have time for this teenager BS ..take a decision..whatever it is at least i know, i grieve and move on with my life if you dont want to be with me.
i love her a lot and i m sure she does too but it feels she wants to keep her foot in 2 boots at the same time..Like i ll stay with him but at the same time i want my freedom (not talking about men, just in general). Which she could have had been together.
Not sure what i m gonna do but in the past few days i m leaning more towards "putting her back to the wall" and ask her to make a decision.
what you guys think?
please feel free to ask questions

 

[oldshirt]

You’re being played and you are the star player in your own destruction game.

Unless you are abusing her or cheating on her or are a falling-down alcoholic or drug addict or chronically unemployed, women with young children do not separate from the fathers of their children unless it is to get with another man (or woman in some cases)

She is test driving this other dude to see if he will take her full time or not.

If he decides to take her, she will monkey swing to him.

She is keeping you around in reserve in the likely event he is just banging her for awhile and then moving on.

You are being weak, naive and gullible to the point of negligence here.

Are you actually wanting her to leave??

 

[Marc878]

Good Day All,
very new to the group and trying to get a suggestion on both sides, men and women on my situation.
Been with my wife for 10 yrs and married 6. Our relationship has always been great in every aspect of life.
in the past 2 years we have had an argument every 3 months because of various issues. too long to write and i dont want to annoy you with particulars.
We started to go to counseling and it was helping a little to see each others point of view but my major concern was that she does not respect me anymore like it was in the past. she asks me opinions but when i tell her i dont agree and explain her why she may not like it. so, you asking me just for an approval or my opinion counts?
Her concern was that she feels like every decision of her should pass by me first which i see it as natural. I dont take a decision and never did, especially important, without asking her if she agrees. and it is not because i m unsecure or i dont know what to do. i m absolutely capable to take decisions myself...I just i see marriage this way. you do stuff for the family together and i ask my wife cause i respect her and our love. On her side, she sees it as a weight.
On top of that..3 yrs ago she started to text with a guy (a parent of a kid that went to school with our daughter). normal texts at the beginning so i was like..ok she has a new friend. but her questions to him were getting a little deeper like interested more in who he was. So we had a conversation about it and she stopped talking to him because it was bothering me.
Mix of factors brought me to have a convo with her about having doubts on our relationship and my intention was to talk about it. On her point of view i was giving up on our partnership and no matter what she was doing she felt it was not enough for me or "my standards". which it was not true..my thoughts were still on the losing respect. i was hoping her to ask me..hey you want to talk about it..what you having doubts on? how can we solve it?..No. after that her decision was that she wanted to separate for a little time because she wanted to focus on her own expectations more than the family ones.
So she moved to our rental property, right around the corner to our house, almost a month ago. i helped her out. not thrilled about it (maybe stupid) but i did.
Read up on blame shifting and go online and check your phone bill.
from that day, we have been practically doing same things with the only difference of sleeping in different houses. and not even cause we basically have sex every 2 days and is still great on both sides. yesterday last..we had sex at lunch and she slept over to "my" house.
so basically not much has changed cause we are always together.
Not much has changed? You are in deep denial. Not uncommon.
Despite that...i m focusing on what i could have done better in some situation we had and hope she is doing the same. i think that this situation is both our fault, not hers, not mine.
Before she moved, she got back in contact with that person we argued about. she had conversation about there is still love but she does not know if we can be partners anymore and one day she sent you a flirtatious pic to him. Saw it on her phone and we had a conversation. she admitted it was a flirtatious pic but she doesn't want anybody else in her life that is not me. questionable..words vs facts.
We both are willing to work this out and get back together but her actions are different than her words. sometimes she shows me she is going towards it, sometimes not.
i actually checked her phone few days ago and no contact (text etc) with this person which it is either she is really focusing on our relationship while she works on insecurities (i assume) or she deletes the texts so i cant see it.
Separation is a prelude to divorce. She’s reconnected with you conveniently out of the way so she can focus on her old boyfriend. She’s wanting to make sure her boyfriend works out so she’ll keep you on the back burner in case she needs a z plan B backup.
i also told her...hey, if he is just a friend.. invite him over so i finally meet him and his kid can play with our daughter. her reaction was..i wanted to but you are not giving me the time. Obv..as you may think..it s BS. had enough time to do that.
Now...just to conclude....I need your suggestions or thoughts but here is where i am now............ she keeps saying we are soulmates and dont see anybody who can give her what i do.
I think she became insecure on herself and what she wants and been a kid that wants to hide in front of issues instead of staying home and solve them finding compromises (cause that is what marriage is for me..you grow together and you keep find compromises to the obstacles life brings you as individual as well as a couple).
Her words are meaningless. Actions tell you everything you need to know.
not sure where the insecurity comes from cause one of the things i ve done almost every single day (genuinely) is to tell my wife how beautiful she is.
on my side...i m going throu a rollercoaster of emotions...some days i m happy and some days i just want to tell her..listen..i m almost 40yrs old..dont have time for this teenager BS ..take a decision..whatever it is at least i know, i grieve and move on with my life if you dont want to be with me.
i love her a lot and i m sure she does too but it feels she wants to keep her foot in 2 boots at the same time..Like i ll stay with him but at the same time i want my freedom (not talking about men, just in general). Which she could have had been together.
You love her so she must love you to syndrome. Nope her actions show she doesn’t.
Not sure what i m gonna do but in the past few days i m leaning more towards "putting her back to the wall" and ask her to make a decision.
what you guys think?
please feel free to ask questions

I think you are in deep denial (a temporary comfort zone).
You can only be a chump if you allow it.
Like most you want absolute proof but won’t take the steps necessary to figure it out so you will keep yourself in limbo.
Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

 

[Marc878]

Talk = nothing. It’s all about actions.

 

[WhoDat83]

You’re being played and you are the star player in your own destruction game.

Unless you are abusing her or cheating on her or are a falling-down alcoholic or drug addict or chronically unemployed, women with young children do not separate from the fathers of their children unless it is to get with another man (or woman in some cases)

She is test driving this other dude to see if he will take her full time or not.

If he decides to take her, she will monkey swing to him.

She is keeping you around in reserve in the likely event he is just banging her for awhile and then moving on.

You are being weak, naive and gullible to the point of negligence here.

Are you actually wanting her to leave??

Marc,
nothing of all that..never abused or raised my hands on her. not alcoholic or into drugs, i fortunately work with a decent salary.
no i dont want her to leave. I know that there is still something there otherwise she would not spend almost every day together and if she is riding him why she comes to ride me often? those are the questions i ask myself. if i want to separate from my partner and be doubtful if it is the right or wrong decision..i would prob keep having sex but not so often as we do..especially if i m seeing somebody else? no?
At the same time i m getting tired... because you are right..i m starting to feel manipulated and like kept as a reserve. As a respect for myself i cannot allow that. it will suck but i need to confront her whatever the outcome will be.

 

[WhoDat83]

I think you are in deep denial (a temporary comfort zone).
You can only be a chump if you allow it.
Like most you want absolute proof but won’t take the steps necessary to figure it out so you will keep yourself in limbo.
Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Marc,
i think you are right about everything. Had this conversation with my friends about it. As much as she had recriminated something to me, i feel she is the one doing it (not talking just about sex) and blame me for it. She is blame shifting me and again.. you are right..i m finding myself in a limbo that i dont like. the good thing is that i didnt lose who i am and how much i m worthy.
i m just devastated cause we have a 6 yrs old daughter and she is and will go throu this just because of her emotionally instable mom. it really irritates me.
One time she was like.. Let s give each other 6 months, 1 year and lets work on a fresh start between us. I told her..one year? 6 months? i dont think it will take that long to understand if you want to keep been with your partner or not.

 

[WhoDat83]

Marc,
nothing of all that..never abused or raised my hands on her. not alcoholic or into drugs, i fortunately work with a decent salary.
no i dont want her to leave. I know that there is still something there otherwise she would not spend almost every day together and if she is riding him why she comes to ride me often? those are the questions i ask myself. if i want to separate from my partner and be doubtful if it is the right or wrong decision..i would prob keep having sex but not so often as we do..especially if i m seeing somebody else? no?
At the same time i m getting tired... because you are right..i m starting to feel manipulated and like kept as a reserve. As a respect for myself i cannot allow that. it will suck but i need to confront her whatever the outcome will be.

sorry i meant oldshirt LOL

 

[WhoDat83]

Talk = nothing. It’s all about actions.

unfortunately i agree. i m the same. words are meaningless if not followed by actions.

 

[Marc878]

Marc,
nothing of all that..never abused or raised my hands on her. not alcoholic or into drugs, i fortunately work with a decent salary.
no i dont want her to leave. I know that there is still something there otherwise she would not spend almost every day together and if she is riding him why she comes to ride me often? those are the questions i ask myself. if i want to separate from my partner and be doubtful if it is the right or wrong decision..i would prob keep having sex but not so often as we do..especially if i m seeing somebody else? no?
At the same time i m getting tired... because you are right..i m starting to feel manipulated and like kept as a reserve. As a respect for myself i cannot allow that. it will suck but i need to confront her whatever the outcome will be.

Why confront? She knows what she’s doing. You don’t have to tell her. You only need enough information for yourself.

 

[Marc878]

Marc,
i think you are right about everything. Had this conversation with my friends about it. As much as she had recriminated something to me, i feel she is the one doing it (not talking just about sex) and blame me for it. She is blame shifting me and again.. you are right..i m finding myself in a limbo that i dont like. the good thing is that i didnt lose who i am and how much i m worthy.
i m just devastated cause we have a 6 yrs old daughter and she is and will go throu this just because of her emotionally instable mom. it really irritates me.
One time she was like.. Let s give each other 6 months, 1 year and lets work on a fresh start between us. I told her..one year? 6 months? i dont think it will take that long to understand if you want to keep been with your partner or not.

It’s up to you to get yourself out of limbo. She doesn’t care. She playing you and you are allowing it.

 

[oldshirt]

I know that there is still something there otherwise she would not spend almost every day together and if she is riding him why she comes to ride me often? those are the questions i ask myself. if i want to separate from my partner and be doubtful if it is the right or wrong decision..i would prob keep having sex but not so often as we do..especially if i m seeing somebody else? no?

You are simply mistaken there.

Women use sex to manipulate men all the time… it’s just so easy for them to do.

I’ve had prior GFs screw me like porn stars literally days before dumping me cold for other guys and then find out they had been seeing them for weeks while feathering their nests with the other guys to make the jump.

There are people on this board that had sex the very night before getting dumped.

There are people here that have found out their partner was involved with someone(s) else for YEARS and still maintained an active sex life right up to DDAY.

This is not unusual at all. It’s actually very common.

It may be sick and twisted and gross,, but it is very common.

 

[Kaliber]

on my side...i m going throu a rollercoaster of emotions...some days i m happy and some days i just want to tell her..listen..i m almost 40yrs old..dont have time for this teenager BS ..take a decision..whatever it is at least i know, i grieve and move on with my life if you dont want to be with me.

@WhoDat83 what @oldshirt said about infidelity and sex with there partner is true, his experience and many stories here (and other websites) confirms it.

One thing I learned from experience is that men who are not decisive and do not take leadership in their household are not attractive to women and usually end up paying the price, you don't need to wait or ask her to decide, you make the decision and inform her about it. Example: Honey, do you want this relationship to work? (wait for her answer) if she says "Yes" then tell her, I expect you to move back in by (Tomorrow/end of week) or else I will consider you don't want to work on us and I will be filing for divorce (Not separation), this is not negotiable!

I dont take a decision and never did, especially important, without asking her if she agrees. and it is not because i m unsecure or i dont know what to do. i m absolutely capable to take decisions myself...I just i see marriage this way. you do stuff for the family together and i ask my wife cause i respect her and our love. On her side, she sees it as a weight.

Many women expect their men to take leadership in the relationship, your wife maybe one of those many, burden her with every decision (small or big) makes her feel insecure in the relationship!

i actually checked her phone few days ago and no contact (text etc) with this person which it is either she is really focusing on our relationship while she works on insecurities (i assume) or she deletes the texts so i cant see it.

You can check you phone bell to see any SMS text are going out, however, if she is using Apps such as WhatsApp then you will not find any thing in your phone bell, maybe some data usage and it could range from browsing youtube to messages!

You said:

On top of that..3 yrs ago she started to text with a guy (a parent of a kid that went to school with our daughter). normal texts at the beginning so i was like..ok she has a new friend. but her questions to him were getting a little deeper like interested more in who he was. So we had a conversation about it and she stopped talking to him because it was bothering me.

And then:

Before she moved, she got back in contact with that person we argued about. she had conversation about there is still love but she does not know if we can be partners anymore and one day she sent you a flirtatious pic to him. Saw it on her phone and we had a conversation. she admitted it was a flirtatious pic but she doesn't want anybody else in her life that is not me. questionable..words vs facts.

This is the biggest RED FLAG you have now, she is definitely trying to find a replacement (Or already in progress but you don't know about it yet).
You have no idea what your wife is doing all alone at night, she could be using messaging Apps or video chats such as FaceTime!
Basically you have no idea what she is doing on her free time!
Your wife is viewing this relationship with a GF/BF attitude, it's not, this is a marriage and a family unit, I don't think she sees any weight in that!
I'm also struggling to understand how a wife and a mother moves out of the household away from her child, usually they will ask the man to move out!
You need to KNOW what she is doing on her free time so you don't get caught off guard!

We started to go to counseling and it was helping a little to see each others point of view but my major concern was that she does not respect me anymore like it was in the past. she asks me opinions but when i tell her i dont agree and explain her why she may not like it. so, you asking me just for an approval or my opinion counts?

@WhoDat83, know this, once a women loses respect for her man it rarely comes back, very rarely, unless the man is strong, don't do the "Pick Me Dance", take full leadership and kicks them to the curb, then maybe the respect is somehow restored, because there was retaliation and consequences served, if you don't do anything about it you will be treated the same way and even worse, and the respect will never return, that's why you see men coming back with new infidelity stories years down the road, devastated thinking they were successfully reconciled, if your wife lost respect for you.. it's over unless you do a 180 on your relationship!

It's a s*** show, the only way to go forward is to be strong and decisive!

 

[Diceplayer]

She wanted to move out so she could do what she wants with the OM without you interfering/knowing. If it was me, I'd pay this guy a visit and let him know that there will be consequences if he continues to talk to your wife. Then I would find his wife and make sure that she knew what was going on.

 

[lifeistooshort]

As a woman I'm inclined to agree about women wirh young children not leaving the father unless there's some kind of bad behavior. I left my kids father when they were 5 and 2 but he was a nasty, misogynist drunk who treated me like ****. In fact, I made the decision to leave when he came home one day and started screaming at me because I'd left a sponge in the dishwater.

So unless you're leaving something out your wife is sniffing around other men while keeping you as a backup. A woman with her "soul mate " (that's such a teenage phrase....puke) doesn't need men "friends".

Also keep in mind that it's highly unlikely the other dude actually wants her and her kids full time...she's likely a cheap thrill for him. Keep this in mind when he drops her and she decides she "made a mistake" and really wants you.

 

[thissucks7788]

Hi! I have to agree with the above. I'm a woman and I think she wants to see what would happen with this other guy but is keeping you "warm" in case things don't work out. I am so sorry to say, but I think it is time to stop being wishy washy and decide what you want and move forward. I know this is hard and I hope it works out for you.

 

[WhoDat83]

She wanted to move out so she could do what she wants with the OM without you interfering/knowing. If it was me, I'd pay this guy a visit and let him know that there will be consequences if he continues to talk to your wife. Then I would find his wife and make sure that she knew what was going on.

diceplayer. i thought about it but i think it s a childish thing to do. at the end of the day she is my wife, not him.
He is divorced.

 

[WhoDat83]

As a woman I'm inclined to agree about women wirh young children not leaving the father unless there's some kind of bad behavior. I left my kids father when they were 5 and 2 but he was a nasty, misogynist drunk who treated me like ****. In fact, I made the decision to leave when he came home one day and started screaming at me because I'd left a sponge in the dishwater.

So unless you're leaving something out your wife is sniffing around other men while keeping you as a backup. A woman with her "soul mate " (that's such a teenage phrase....puke) doesn't need men "friends".

Also keep in mind that it's highly unlikely the other dude actually wants her and her kids full time...she's likely a cheap thrill for him. Keep this in mind when he drops her and she decides she "made a mistake" and really wants you.

lifeistooshort and others...she did not leave our daughter at my place and go. we talked to our daughter together and every day we make her decide where she wants to sleep. lately has been at her house. thanks god she is still a good mom. my note was more like..how can you do that to your child..like separating. but it happens i guess.
PS. i agree that if there is anything going on with this dude is a rebound and i will not ****ing get her back if she choose another route..with or without realizing she made a mistake.

 

[Kaliber]

lifeistooshort and others...she did not leave our daughter at my place and go. we talked to our daughter together and every day we make her decide where she wants to sleep. lately has been at her house. thanks god she is still a good mom. my note was more like..how can you do that to your child..like separating. but it happens i guess.
PS. i agree that if there is anything going on with this dude is a rebound and i will not ****ing get her back if she choose another route..with or without realizing she made a mistake.

Please understand you don't need to wait or ask her to decide, you make the decision and inform her about it; get back as a family or I will move on!

 

[Rob_1]

Please understand you don't need to wait or ask her to decide, you make the decision and inform her about it; get back as a family or I will move on!

This is the part that it seems he's not willing to do (afraid, I guess). Unfortunately, in the end if he doesn't do it we all know where it all will end up.

 

[WhoDat83]

Please understand you don't need to wait or ask her to decide, you make the decision and inform her about it; get back as a family or I will move on!

kaliber, completely agree and that s what i will do.