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Discussion Starter #1
Ok. Long story short, I pushed my wife away with the no affection thing and she cheated.

She's cut contact. Got her a phone (only had 1 phone for a long time) ... cut to the chase.

Forget the past. My wife and I have a big history kinda thing here and it's one of those situations that is SUPER hard to tell on here.

Here's our Dilemma. Long story short (again) we're talking about things. We both don't really want a Divorce. She holds my hand and tells me she loves me, she'll ALWAYS love me, even through the worst of the worst of fights and drama sessions (not a lot of them either) but she said the ONLY reason for her issues, is that she loves me, but the "feelings" she thinks she should have isn't there. She's not "attracted" to me. She said if she had that, there wouldn't be a problem. Now, we did determine that she only lost the attraction after the blow up fight and her cheating. But she swears she doesn't want another man. I'm trying to be trusting and believe her.

WHAT do you do, if you both act like you want to work on the marriage and you're separated, (same house, HUGE building, old church in fact) and she's working on the attraction thing? What can I do? Are there any universal tricks to help out?

Thanks and I really do want to forgive and try to fix my family.
Dewayne
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Can't afford it at this moment, but she didn't want to last time we talked about it.
 

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Talked to her tonight again and she didn't really say no to it again just that she's needing space to "feel" things out. I know that the last time we had a fight and she actually served me papers, in a few weeks of trying to give her time we were actually working on things quite well.

Tonight, I let her go out and spend some time iwth her teen girlfriend. They went to WM and bought stuff for the after party and hung out at Mcdonalds etc. What little she said they talked about "us" was how she was being a b.tch to me and made me cry. YAYA shaddup. lol. But she was saying how she was so mean etc. and how she didn't mean to be.

She said she wants the Divorce to be my decision. SHe said she wants time to try and figure herself out, and see about "fixing" or trying to fix our marriage. She still said the main thing is she's not really attracted to me and she doesn't know why during the fight she had lost it. So yeah, still needing advice on what I can work on/ do.
Thanks,

Dewayn
 

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She said she wants the Divorce to be my decision.
So she gets to bypass the feeling of guilt.

Do the 180, Dewayne. Cut off all contact with her. Push her into a corner where SHE has to make the decision.

IMO, even if she does decide that she wants to reconcile, you guys really need to look into IC and MC. You cannot simply sweep the issues under the rug and hope for the best. You'll be back in this situation in less than six months. I'm speaking from personal experience.

Good luck, hon.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
No, I'm not sweeping anything under the rug. That aint happening!

However, I did do somethings today. I Cleaned the house, did all .. ALL of the laundry, put the laundry up, removed all my things from her room. Clothes, movies, shoes, everything and moved them to my theater "Dog House" She went to see a girl friend of hers that's having issues Sund. night. Tonight she went to see her nephew and they saw a movie and hung out a bit and came home.

I barely texted her. She came home, saw everything I did and came and gave me a big huge and a kiss and said thank you. I accepted, but was short and pulled away afterwards.

SHe then asked if she could groom me. I had eye brow hairs needing plucked, so I let her... I pulled my hand away from her leg when it got close. She would ask questions and I was short with her, but all being nice.

Ended up in the kitchen together and she was hungry so I made her a glass of milk adn handed it to her, the look she gave me was the same ol girl. I didn't bite :p

So then I went to the computer (close to her room) and she asked me to come in there (her room) and I did. She talked a bit, I answered shortly and nicely and then she asked if I wanted Jordan (daughter) to sleep with me or her. I said it didn't matter. Whatever she wanted. So I popped up and said "you know, I'll sleep with her, she's already in there" She barely let me finish and she said "no, I'll sleep in there, you can have the bed. You been sleeping too much in there. Besides, it'll be nice to have a change" I refused and went to bed.

I'm holding my composure. I'm giving her her space and all, and stopped the pleading etc.

I think I made a breakthrough. However, I feel my heart slowly repairing itself. So now's the question, when it's done, or ready, waht will my heart say? Want? Will it say "Screw her and kick her arse to the curb!?" Or worse?

We will see I suppose. We will see.

Thanks SCsweety. BTW, ANY fight we had, when we got "better" it stayed ok for years each time. if it means anything. BUT! I ddin't have a life changing split last time or two either. This time I REALIZE what kinda husband / person I was and now I"m working on it all.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Failed... again. Fell into a trap. Yesterday she started "coming more and more open" and started grabbing my hand etc. THEN she got fired today. So we came home, I held her and she cried on my shoulder. She did say she didn't know if she wanted to be held or not. But I stood there in front of her on the bed and she got up and said "Poor guy, don't know what to do..." and gave me a hug and pulled me to the bed.

Then we decided to go eat. I took her to Cheddars and had a steak etc. On the way there seh was playing with my hair and back of my neck. Held my hand. Put her arm around my back, etc.

She has a drink, seh takes 2 DRINKS of a landslide (mudslide) marg. thing, she doesn't drink but she wasn't feeling anything. She said "you're just hard up, you want me to drink this" and made 2 or 3 other remarks, before getting drunk.

We get home, she's buzzed pretty good and we start watching Monte Python's quest for the holy grail. She starts flirting. So I flirt back, I'm thinking "yay, we're getting somewhere.... " THEN!
She pushes my hand off her belly. I said ok, wth. So I start playing with her leg (she was rubbing mine) and I played with her butt a little. She was enjoying it then BAM! Does it again. so I asked if she wanted me to stop...s he said "YES!... wait, no!... YES... I don't know..."

Then she tells me she's not happy, can't trust me because of 11 bad years etc. Then said "I'm a horrible wife, why you wanting to be with me, I've done horrible things, RECENTLY... why are you even still here..."

So I told her I loved her and that was why and we stopped everything there. She sobered up quickly and that was it. She fell asleep and I took her new phone. She had been deleting every text sent and received as they come and go. Nothing was in inbox and there's no deleted folder to go through. She's STILL hiding something isn't she?

I called her old friend. She was texting during the movie etc. I asked "is that scarlett?" another one of her friends, and she said "yea"

When I lookeda t the phone, there was 2 or 3 msgs to that old guy friend of hers. So I called him. He said he'd been divorced 4 times and he's not a home wrecker and would send me all the texts to my phone... hasn't done it yet. He seemed legitimately concerned but yeah, b/s I figure.

O well I think I'll take my baby and go to the lawyer tomorrow.
 
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Discussion Starter #9
I think I'll run her over today... wutchya think? lol. I can always say she just ran out in front of me :p


Seriously tho I just reread my post. GD I'm an idiot.

He did send a few texts to my phone, but the big thing is, he's been texting her ALL MORNING AND DAY. . . .

However, he's telling her how much I love her etc. Telling her she needs to think straight and pay attention to what she's got. She opened up to me this morning. She cried a bit and said that I never let her go anywhere or do anything. I told her "Honey, you haven't wanted to! You really don't have any friends to go do things with and that's not true anyways, I let you go out with Brittany many times and then Crystal etc... " But either way, she didn't really ever want to go do anything like that. NOW, I think she's just saying that because since the teens came over, she was always wanting to go over there and I told her "Um.. NO... dumbazz" lol. (the dumbazz part is where I'm a jerk at. I called her that many times.... again I'm an idiot.)

Is anyone even still reading my stuff? Either way it's making me feel better. I got my anger under control and I"m still doing my therapy exercises etc. I just need to let her go and do her own thing I guess. Try to find me someone to snuggle up to in the time being.

Dewayne
 

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Quit engaging her.

Don't stick around when she's drinking.

Start living your own life and doing your own thing. Quit staying at home when you dont need to be there. Get out and run, work out, hang with buddies. Start dressing nicer, start doing things without her.

START MOVING ON with your life. Quit waiting to see how she is going to react.

Re-read the 180.

Then read it again.

Then read it again.

You're not even doing a quarter of the 180 list, or you would have never allowed her to drag you into that pointless conversation. Fact is, she still has the other guy on her mind, and until he is out of the picture there will be no reconcilliation between you and her. Period.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Yeah, going to find my sheet again :(

. I suck. lol.
 

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Quit engaging her.

Don't stick around when she's drinking.

Start living your own life and doing your own thing. Quit staying at home when you dont need to be there. Get out and run, work out, hang with buddies. Start dressing nicer, start doing things without her.

START MOVING ON with your life. Quit waiting to see how she is going to react.

Re-read the 180.

Then read it again.

Then read it again.

You're not even doing a quarter of the 180 list, or you would have never allowed her to drag you into that pointless conversation. Fact is, she still has the other guy on her mind, and until he is out of the picture there will be no reconcilliation between you and her. Period.
I can't tell you how important it is that you follow this advice.

Your sanity depends on it.

The love you, but no attraction shows how thick in the fog she is.

Until they can figure out that what they what they are experiencing is the dopamine rush of an affair, you can't get to her.

She may never figure that out either.

That's why you need to 180.
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Yeah, going to find my sheet again :(

. I suck. lol.
QUIT SAYING THAT!

You are a good man, man who deserves better than how she is treating you.

Until you start believeing that truth and living that truth you will never get her to believe it.

The 180 is NOT NORMAL. It goes against everything our society teaches people about how to deal with troublesome spouses. But it works Dewayne, but only if you work it.

Get off your pity pot and start working your recovery. Let your WW do what she is going to do.

No more touching...

No more kissing...

No more hugs...

No more flirting...

No more "us" activities with her....

No more instigating conversations. Period.

She wanted separation and space? Give it to her.

Be polite but cool, friendly but detached, completely independent.

Treat her like a piece of furniture or a plant.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
I'll try again guys. So freakin hard. Thanks for the support.

Dewayne
 

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And none of that means to be mean or snotty to her.

Smile when you are around, sing to yourself as your puttering around the house, be cheerful. Even if its all an act and you feel the exact opposite.

Fake it till you make it. Do things that will take your mind off of her and off your situation.

You have made your demands clearly, set your boundaries, now enforce them.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I've packed up a bit and going to my mothers for a while. When I get back she's going to move to her brother's place down the road.

We'll see how this goes. It's gonna be soo friggin hard for me, I don't know if I can handle it.

Dewayne
 

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Her you go champ. From the book "Stop Your Divorce" by Homer McDonald, here is the best advice you'll find without going to MC or IC.

“My wife says she doesn’t love me the way a wife should”

A common complaint that I hear fraom the husband is “My wife says that she doesn’t love me the way a wife should.” Her attitude should be “I don’t love you the way I could, so I’m going to see what I can do about that. I’ll do what it takes to improve in that department.” But again, it’s showing her immaturity. “I don’t love you the way a wife should, therefore I’m with the wrong guy, therefore we should separate.”

Again, the solution is always the same. Act happy, agree, enjoy others. Act happy, agree, and enjoy others. “I agree that we could be more loving. You’re right. Maybe having a little more space between the two of us or a separation could help our relationship. You could be right.”

I wonder if there are people who take that in a constructive way. Here, we’ll say, is a mature wife. She says, “Well, I don’t love my husband like I would like to, so let me see what I can do, like talking with him and doing new activities.” She takes it as a problem that they can handle. She takes it as a challenge. She takes it in a constructive way. “The love isn’t there as much as I would like for it to be there, so I’m going to get busy and put it there.” But you see, when a man is being rejected by, separated from or being divorced by his wife, she never thinks of that possibility.

It makes me think of a kind of formula that I hit on. For sixty years, I have been studying history and philosophy at ten different universities. I came on the idea that first mankind believed in magic. When he had fears, like fears of wild animals, fears of nature, they didn’t understand that. It must have scared him very much. So he dreamed up magic to help him cope with that. For example, the Indian rain dance. We can call it wishful thinking.

We wish that the Indian rain dance would produce rain. So gradually, magic gave birth to the belief in religion. For example, we hear the church bells on Sunday and we get a good feeling about it all. And we don’t know that the first church bells were for the purpose of scaring away demons, showing a belief in magic. Of course, we have some charming examples of belief in magic, like mascots at football fields and things like that.

And gradually, the belief in religion gave birth to abstract philosophy. And gradually, abstract philosophy gave birth to pragmatic philosophy and the scientific approach was discovered, in which we observe facts, face facts, and change our wishful thinking to fit the facts.

Now, the magical way of thinking is, “Oh, the love isn’t there. It just isn’t there. It’s like two people standing with folded arms, one on each side of the dining table and they’re saying, “The meal isn’t cooked yet.” We’re the cooks. If the love isn’t there, let’s see what we can do to put it there. And of course, I give familiar suggestions to the husband who has called me, about how to get her to put the love there. All the regular things that I recommend, act happy, enjoy others, give her plenty of space, always agree with her, those make her fall in love with him because he’s pulling away.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Thanks for that.

However I feel it's too late.

I came to my mother's place and had a slap to the face while having another anxiety attack. I shouldn't be here.

I'm going home in a bit, I'm going to tell her politely to pack her sh.t and go to her brother's while I take care of everything.

I'm so sick of this. Listen to this.

We were on our way to drop my wife off and I was taking our girl to my mom's. On the way to the house, wife and I were talking. SHE CAME UP with the fact that we moved our anniversary to halloween. Then she made a remark that "So do I have a bit more time?" Or to that affect. We then started talking about things we would improve if we stayed together... all the way from scheduled dinners once a month or week to sit and talk about things on our mind to even sex. Like she played with my nails and asked me to scratch her back. So I started to move my arm to scratch her back and she said "Noooo... "Sccrraaatcchh" my back... during..." Yeah. SHE DID THIS! This is more of her antics I think to bide more time.

I'm sick to my stomach at this point. I'm telling myself every 2 min's that it's done, go file. Go File.> GO FILE I DON"T NEED HER ANYMORE!!

I'll need more support, I'm havnig a really tough time so please keep posting if you guys want to say something.

Thanks,

Dewayne
 
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