[Rob_1]

I agree that this information can wait until after the wedding. What confuses me is that the couples counselor suggested that we tell the kids ASAP. And tell them together. That worries me because if she starts lying or attacking me in front of them, a fight is going to start. Then our family are going to pick sides and things will get super messy. Do I make sense?

The wedding is in 3 months so that gives me time to prepare behind the scenes for a quick move after. Thinking more financial moves and making a separation agreement. The law here requires a separation for one year before filing for divorce but before moving out of the house I want her to sign a legal agreement.

Dude, stop, stop being a Simp. Stop you passive behavior. Do what's in your best interest and forget about the well being of all others.

It just amazes me to see how ridiculously beta and submissive a lot of men are these days. Is like they were given estrogen shots since birth, while the women are getting more and more like testosterone laden bulls when it comes to divorce. These days, normally when the woman wants a divorce she's so far ahead of the poor Simp of a husband that when he tries to react he has already been roasted. When the dude tries to tell his side of the story he already has been tried and convicted in the court of public opinion.

 

[Dictum Veritas]

To answer your question, I'm walking a fine line here with regards to keeping her away from a lawyer.

To explain, my STBX is not asking for alimony or half my pension just half of the money from the sale of our house.

If I push too hard or look to eager to get this done she is going to lawyer-up. That could cost me a lot. I want to re-retire in a couple years, or sooner, and have a descent place to live.
Getting to old to pay off big mortgages.

Just get the papers drawn up and get her signature before she wakes up and realizes what she can get. It's not too eager, it's just sealing the inevitable in your favor.

I have to say, I've never heard of a wife who is not having an affair offering such good terms, it's unheard of. I'd do some snooping were I you.

 

[rcguy]

If you could only make OP see this.

OP what folks are sharing about protecting your own interests are spot on.

Why do you not act?

Not sure if we are able to talk about finances on this thread?
I don't have the money to buy her out of the house assets, so that means a mortgage weather or not I keep the house.
But if she goes to a lawyer she can go after alimony, pension, and retirement investments. So far she hasn't asked for anything other than half of the house value.
So you see that I do want to protect myself, at least money wise.

 

[Cynthia]

I have to say, I've never heard of a wife who is not having an affair offering such good terms, it's unheard of. I'd do some snooping were I you.

I agree.
She could be texting more than one person, but giving you the impression it's her work friend.
I understand that you are walking a fine line, but you can still get an attorney and have paperwork drawn up. That can take some time. If you do it now, you'll be ready when the time comes. She doesn't need to know this. Be wise, but quiet about it.
Definitely wait until after the wedding. I think it's okay to tell the kids now, so they can get used to it and won't associate the divorce and the wedding. Once the wedding is over, maybe even the Monday after, you can file. You are in counseling, you should be able to come to an agreement with your stbx on this during counseling. If your daughter is already aware of the divorce, it probably won't be as big of a deal for her as it would be if she didn't know beforehand. I think the sooner you tell her the better. Don't wait until just before or just after the wedding.
Are you planning to do this without an attorney?

 

[rcguy]

Just get the papers drawn up and get her signature before she wakes up and realizes what she can get. It's not too eager, it's just sealing the inevitable in your favor.

I have to say, I've never heard of a wife who is not having an affair offering such good terms, it's unheard of. I'd do some snooping were I you.

I agree.
She could be texting more than one person, but giving you the impression it's her work friend.
I understand that you are walking a fine line, but you can still get an attorney and have paperwork drawn up. That can take some time. If you do it now, you'll be ready when the time comes. She doesn't need to know this. Be wise, but quiet about it.
Definitely wait until after the wedding. I think it's okay to tell the kids now, so they can get used to it and won't associate the divorce and the wedding. Once the wedding is over, maybe even the Monday after, you can file. You are in counseling, you should be able to come to an agreement with your stbx on this during counseling. If your daughter is already aware of the divorce, it probably won't be as big of a deal for her as it would be if she didn't know beforehand. I think the sooner you tell her the better. Don't wait until just before or just after the wedding.
Are you planning to do this without an attorney?

Thanks for the reply, good advice.
I'm working on getting appointments set up for the separation agreement. But she has the right to refuse to sign and It's then up to me to prove in court that the agreement is fair.
Or the preferred way to settle is with mediation. Much cheaper and faster. and no lawyers.
If we agree to a settlement through mediation, the house sale and separation of assets can happen after the wedding.
The thing is my SPBX has to be onboard with the mediation.

 

[oldshirt]

Not sure if we are able to talk about finances on this thread?
I don't have the money to buy her out of the house assets, so that means a mortgage weather or not I keep the house.
But if she goes to a lawyer she can go after alimony, pension, and retirement investments. So far she hasn't asked for anything other than half of the house value.
So you see that I do want to protect myself, at least money wise.

You’re not getting it.

You don’t protect yourself by appeasing her and tiptoeing around her so you don’t upset her. That kind of mentality is what got you into this position in the first place.

You protect yourself by lawyering up yourself and doing what the lawyer says.

She will get a lawyer and go after whatever she wants whether you try to appease her or not.

You cannot “nice” her into being agreeable and pleasant and letting you have what you want like a good little boy.

You’ve tried that for 40 years and you can see where that got you.

 

[rcguy]

You’re not getting it.

You don’t protect yourself by appeasing her and tiptoeing around her so you don’t upset her. That kind of mentality is what got you into this position in the first place.

You protect yourself by lawyering up yourself and doing what the lawyer says.

She will get a lawyer and go after whatever she wants whether you try to appease her or not.

You cannot “nice” her into being agreeable and pleasant and letting you have what you want like a good little boy.

You’ve tried that for 40 years and you can see where that got you.

Good point. Got me a ruined future retirement.
Do you know if mediation is a waste of time?

 

[jlg07]

She refused counseling up until a couple of weeks ago. But at the session we went to she was absolutely certain that she wants to end the marriage. Just not yet.

Too bad what SHE wants -- what do YOU want. I think you should tell your family/kids/etc. and make sure they understand that it is your wife who wants out and doesn't want to work on things. Don't let YOU be the bad guy here.
If YOU are done, I would just initiate the divorce instead of separation, since you know that is the way she wants to go...

 

[rcguy]

I agree.
She could be texting more than one person, but giving you the impression it's her work friend.
I understand that you are walking a fine line, but you can still get an attorney and have paperwork drawn up. That can take some time. If you do it now, you'll be ready when the time comes. She doesn't need to know this. Be wise, but quiet about it.
Definitely wait until after the wedding. I think it's okay to tell the kids now, so they can get used to it and won't associate the divorce and the wedding. Once the wedding is over, maybe even the Monday after, you can file. You are in counseling, you should be able to come to an agreement with your stbx on this during counseling. If your daughter is already aware of the divorce, it probably won't be as big of a deal for her as it would be if she didn't know beforehand. I think the sooner you tell her the better. Don't wait until just before or just after the wedding.
Are you planning to do this without an attorney?

Forgot to mention that I told my oldest son today about what is going on. He needs to know so he can get prepared. He is living with us and looking for work. His graduation is next month.

 

[oldshirt]

If I push too hard or look to eager to get this done she is going to lawyer-up. That could cost me a lot.

I want to address this line of thinking a little more.

The reason people are calling you weak and a simp and that you are being passive and not taking initiative, in this quote above you are trying to appease her so she doesn’t torment you more.

This is like the weak kid letting the school yard bully give him noogies and swirlies without protest in hopes that he won’t provoke him and have him give him Indian snake bites instead.

It’s like France letting the Nazis march unopposed into Paris for fear of upsetting Hitler and having him drop bombs instead.

You never truly appease the bully or the tyrant. All you do is give them permission to torment and dominate you more.

The way you deal with the bully is you call them out to meet you behind the schoolhouse after school and you duke it out with them in front of everyone and you get your licks on them and give them a black eye.

Even if they end up stomping you, by fighting back, you show that if they mess with you, they pay a price and it will cost them.

Most don’t want to pay anything and they move on and leave you alone.

Your attitude above is that of the pu$$y that tries to avoid upsetting the bully by appeasing them in hopes that the bully won’t do more to them.

But the irony is that by trying to appease them and not provoke them, what ends up happening is you give the bully PERMISSION to do to you whatever they want.

As I said above, your wife is going to get a lawyer and she will end up trying to take whatever she can anyway because you are unwittingly giving her carte Blanche to do so.

 

[jlg07]

I believe she still works so how is he funding her?

He's also be liable for any big debts SHE runs up until he makes it a formal separation/divorce.
He already said she is awful at finance and spends. I would do this NOW so the crap she tries to run up due to the wedding is HER issue, not his.

 

[Cynthia]

If she doesn't have someone else, her retirement is also screwed up. This is another reason why I think there is someone else. It makes sense that she has someone waiting in the wings or perhaps this coworker is ready to share expenses with her. If she isn't going to be living alone, that would explain why she is willing to blow up her retirement years, because maybe she's not. Maybe she has a plan to mitigate expenses. If it's with another man, that is easy to understand, but it could also be with the bitter divorcee who needs someone to share expenses in order to be comfortable.
When my parents divorced, my mother always had at least one of us kids living with her. Eventually, my family moved in with my mother. We lived together for 25 years. It made her life much easier, as well as ours. People find ways to make it work. That may be what your wife is doing, whether it's with another man or a plutonic friend, you won't know until she makes the move.
She could also have an attorney and be lying to you about what she wants, then she'll hit you with all she's got. I think it would be wise for you to see one or two attorneys and talk to them about what going on. Get their perspectives.
You also said that you have been reading up on divorce in your province, do you understand what your rights are and what is likely to happen?
I'm glad you told your son. How is he taking it? You know he's going to talk to his sister, maybe already has. It's time to tell her too.

 

[rcguy]

Too bad what SHE wants -- what do YOU want. I think you should tell your family/kids/etc. and make sure they understand that it is your wife who wants out and doesn't want to work on things. Don't let YOU be the bad guy here.
If YOU are done, I would just initiate the divorce instead of separation, since you know that is the way she wants to go...

I want to address this line of thinking a little more.

The reason people are calling you weak and a simp and that you are being passive and not taking initiative, in this quote above you are trying to appease her so she doesn’t torment you more.

This is like the weak kid letting the school yard bully give him noogies and swirlies without protest in hopes that he won’t provoke him and have him give him Indian snake bites instead.

It’s like France letting the Nazis march unopposed into Paris for fear of upsetting Hitler and having him drop bombs instead.

You never truly appease the bully or the tyrant. All you do is give them permission to torment and dominate you more.

The way you deal with the bully is you call them out to meet you behind the schoolhouse after school and you duke it out with them in front of everyone and you get your licks on them and give them a black eye.

Even if they end up stomping you, by fighting back, you show that if they mess with you, they pay a price and it will cost them.

Most don’t want to pay anything and they move on and leave you alone.

Your attitude above is that of the pu$$y that tries to avoid upsetting the bully by appeasing them in hopes that the bully won’t do more to them.

But the irony is that by trying to appease them and not provoke them, what ends up happening is you give the bully PERMISSION to do to you whatever they want.

As I said above, your wife is going to get a lawyer and she will end up trying to take whatever she can anyway because you are unwittingly giving her carte Blanche to do so.

I wish I could trade my two sisters in for a brother like you. This is what someone needed to say to me years ago.
By the way you're showing your age with the Indian snake bites comment. 😂

 

[rcguy]

If she doesn't have someone else, her retirement is also screwed up. This is another reason why I think there is someone else. It makes sense that she has someone waiting in the wings or perhaps this coworker is ready to share expenses with her. If she isn't going to be living alone, that would explain why she is willing to blow up her retirement years, because maybe she's not. Maybe she has a plan to mitigate expenses. If it's with another man, that is easy to understand, but it could also be with the bitter divorcee who needs someone to share expenses in order to be comfortable.
When my parents divorced, my mother always had at least one of us kids living with her. Eventually, my family moved in with my mother. We lived together for 25 years. It made her life much easier, as well as ours. People find ways to make it work. That may be what your wife is doing, whether it's with another man or a plutonic friend, you won't know until she makes the move.
She could also have an attorney and be lying to you about what she wants, then she'll hit you with all she's got. I think it would be wise for you to see one or two attorneys and talk to them about what going on. Get their perspectives.
You also said that you have been reading up on divorce in your province, do you understand what your rights are and what is likely to happen?
I'm glad you told your son. How is he taking it? You know he's going to talk to his sister, maybe already has. It's time to tell her too.

Wow, you do see the whole picture. Such good advice. Thanks.

The reason I posted here is mostly to get myself prepared for the hard decisions coming up.

I don't care what she does after we split up. I don't want any contact with her at all either. Not interested in "being friends" as she says.

 

[Openminded]

Good point. Got me a ruined future retirement.
Do you know if mediation is a waste of time?

I didn’t do mediation (U.S.) but I know someone who did. It seemed to be going very well until it was time to sign the agreement and then he refused so all the time, energy and money spent on mediation was wasted. However, for people who can agree I think mediation is the way to go.

 

[Young at Heart]

To answer your question, I'm walking a fine line here with regards to keeping her away from a lawyer.

To explain, my STBX is not asking for alimony or half my pension just half of the money from the sale of our house.

If I push too hard or look to eager to get this done she is going to lawyer-up. That could cost me a lot. I want to re-retire in a couple years, or sooner, and have a descent place to live.
Getting to old to pay off big mortgages.

One of the things I would suggest is to seriously (with the help of the marriage counselor) come up with what the two of you will honestly tell your children and family, as you will both be asked and if you have different explanations that will be known quickly.

My advice is that a friendly settlement as you are outlining will be best for the both of you, but if the two of you ever want to be invited to your children's holidays or say your son's wedding, then you should have a common story so everything can be civil.

Good luck. It sounds like you are handling it well.

 

[Dictum Veritas]

Best money I ever spent was on a very expensive lawyer when I got divorced. He saved me a house full of money in the long run.

 

[Diana7]

I agree that this information can wait until after the wedding. What confuses me is that the couples counselor suggested that we tell the kids ASAP. And tell them together. That worries me because if she starts lying or attacking me in front of them, a fight is going to start. Then our family are going to pick sides and things will get super messy. Do I make sense?

The wedding is in 3 months so that gives me time to prepare behind the scenes for a quick move after. Thinking more financial moves and making a separation agreement. The law here requires a separation for one year before filing for divorce but before moving out of the house I want her to sign a legal agreement.

Hopefully being that she has said she is waiting till after the wedding she will want to keep things on an even keel till then.

 

[Diana7]

Dude, stop, stop being a Simp. Stop you passive behavior. Do what's in your best interest and forget about the well being of all others.

It just amazes me to see how ridiculously beta and submissive a lot of men are these days. Is like they were given estrogen shots since birth, while the women are getting more and more like testosterone laden bulls when it comes to divorce. These days, normally when the woman wants a divorce she's so far ahead of the poor Simp of a husband that when he tries to react he has already been roasted. When the dude tries to tell his side of the story he already has been tried and convicted in the court of public opinion.

So you are telling him to stop thinking about the well being of his own child? That isn't being beta, that's being a good dad.

 

[Diana7]

Not sure if we are able to talk about finances on this thread?
I don't have the money to buy her out of the house assets, so that means a mortgage weather or not I keep the house.
But if she goes to a lawyer she can go after alimony, pension, and retirement investments. So far she hasn't asked for anything other than half of the house value.
So you see that I do want to protect myself, at least money wise.

Is the house worth much? If it is then can't you both each buy a smaller place?
That's what most couples seem to do. Sell a larger place and each get somewhere smaller. Maybe an appt.

Having said that, 61 is very young to retire anyway. In the UK most pensions aren't paid out till 65 or 66, and few can retire till then.
Would they even give you a mortgage now?