[Livvie]

The moral of the story is if you have a spouse who overspends to the point you are remortgaging your home every little bit (wtf) to pay the credit card bill and said spouse won't work with you on the issue, to cut their spending, divorce as soon as you can instead of staying with that person.

Stories like this make me extremely glad I'm single right now.

 

[Blondilocks]

She buys clothes, shoes, decorations for the house (for example; artwork , collectables) also entertainment like movies and theatres and concerts
Plus she spends on takeout food and restaurants because she hates to cook.
I do 90% of the cooking.

She buys clothes, shoes, decorations for the house (for example; art work, collectables) also gifts for family and her friends. She also spends on take out food and restaurants because she hates to cook. I do 90% of the cooking and all of the grocery shopping. She goes to movies and theatrical events regularly.
Not sure what else she buys but it sure adds up quickly. We mortgaged the house to pay her debts last summer and already she owes over $2000 on credit.

It doesn't sound like you'll be able to sell any of that nonsense to recoup any of the money. Unless, the collectables are really collectable you are sol. Get all of your paperwork together so your attorney can make a case for financial infidelity.

Does your wife understand that she can not continue to live beyond her means indefinitely? Does she understand that it is not your job to continue to fund her Peter Pan lifestyle?

 

[rcguy]

It doesn't sound like you'll be able to sell any of that nonsense to recoup any of the money. Unless, the collectables are really collectable you are sol. Get all of your paperwork together so your attorney can make a case for financial infidelity.

Does your wife understand that she can not continue to live beyond her means indefinitely? Does she understand that it is not your job to continue to fund her Peter Pan lifestyle?

This is what I'm thinking now. I want to cut all financial ties ASAP. The reckless spending is a type of betrayal to me.
The things she buys are at best collectibles and at worst just souvenirs and nick-naks.

 

[rcguy]

The moral of the story is if you have a spouse who overspends to the point you are remortgaging your home every little bit (wtf) to pay the credit card bill and said spouse won't work with you on the issue, to cut their spending, divorce as soon as you can instead of staying with that person.

Stories like this make me extremely glad I'm single right now.

Love makes people do stupid things, sorry to say. Was willing to turn a blind eye to her money moron behavior.
But now that has to change.

 

[Divinely Favored]

She is worried more about other peoples impressions than about me. That has been normal for many years. I'm sure she feels some guilt over this too.

I doubt it.

 

[Divinely Favored]

Thanks for saying that. Your right. Thinking I took the job because it might change her mind. Of course if I want to get a mortgage and buy my own condo or house I'll need to have an income.

But she will also get a cut of your work income also as well as retirement. I would not work sell the house and split it, then go back to work after divorce.

 

[Divinely Favored]

My thoughts are that the separation would be a big distraction during the wedding celebrations. Weather it makes my wife happy or not , doesn't matter to me. Still I can't decide if I should tell my daughter what's going on, or not.

The way my mom treated our dad, sister and I wished dad would divorced mom and found someone who treated him right. Mom was a controlling jezebel of a woman and I rarely talk to her any more now dad has passed.

 

[Divinely Favored]

Thanks for the reply, good advice.
I'm working on getting appointments set up for the separation agreement. But she has the right to refuse to sign and It's then up to me to prove in court that the agreement is fair.
Or the preferred way to settle is with mediation. Much cheaper and faster. and no lawyers.
If we agree to a settlement through mediation, the house sale and separation of assets can happen after the wedding.
The thing is my SPBX has to be onboard with the mediation.

You THINK the co-worker she is talking to is female. You do not know. You only know what this secretive jezebel woman is telling you.

 

[Divinely Favored]

Is the house worth much? If it is then can't you both each buy a smaller place?
That's what most couples seem to do. Sell a larger place and each get somewhere smaller. Maybe an appt.

Having said that, 61 is very young to retire anyway. In the UK most pensions aren't paid out till 65 or 66, and few can retire till then.
Would they even give you a mortgage now?

I retired at 50. Went to work for another state government for pension #2.

 

[Divinely Favored]

He's also be liable for any big debts SHE runs up until he makes it a formal separation/divorce.
He already said she is awful at finance and spends. I would do this NOW so the crap she tries to run up due to the wedding is HER issue, not his.

This...my cousin's wife paid for her son's big elaborate wedding. He did not know anything about her taking out a credit card in his name and charging up $25k on it. He caught it and divorced her, the card was paid off with house buy out money paid by him. He made sure that was in decree.

 

[Divinely Favored]

I never thought of it that way.
Kind of a relief that I told my oldest son today. Was afraid I might get too emotional but It wasn't so difficult.
My daughter is much more sensitive like her father. This will hurt her a lot.
The middle son is a very deep thinker. Very grounded. I'm thinking that he will help the other sibling work through it.
But, of course I could be 100% wrong.
Thanks for the reply.

A book I suggest you buy them for their marriage. Proper care and feeding of Husbands and PCAF of marriage. Both by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. And Not Just Friends to help protect the marriage from others.

 

[rcguy]

A book I suggest you buy them for their marriage. Proper care and feeding of Husbands and PCAF of marriage. Both by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. And Not Just Friends to help protect the marriage from others.

Thank you DF. That's a great suggestion. I've read books by Dr. Schlessinger before and I'm a fan.
To update on my situation, I made an offer to my STBX for the house and she turned it down. That means we have to sell and split the money. Likely we'll both be apartment dwellers for the rest of our lives. Unless of course she has a boyfriend with a house.
I go to see my lawyer this next week. Might have some other options.
Cheers.

 

[Diana7]

Thank you DF. That's a great suggestion. I've read books by Dr. Schlessinger before and I'm a fan.
To update on my situation, I made an offer to my STBX for the house and she turned it down. That means we have to sell and split the money. Likely we'll both be apartment dwellers for the rest of our lives. Unless of course she has a boyfriend with a house.
I go to see my lawyer this next week. Might have some other options.
Cheers.

Apartment or v small house, but you can get some nice appartments. Some ground floor ones with gardens.

 

[Divinely Favored]

Thank you DF. That's a great suggestion. I've read books by Dr. Schlessinger before and I'm a fan.
To update on my situation, I made an offer to my STBX for the house and she turned it down. That means we have to sell and split the money. Likely we'll both be apartment dwellers for the rest of our lives. Unless of course she has a boyfriend with a house.
I go to see my lawyer this next week. Might have some other options.
Cheers.

I would let the kids in on it and fact she is having secretive midnight texting sessions with someone which may be another man. That way if she starts spinning it to make you look like the bad guy here. So when y'all split and all of a sudden there is a new guy everyone will have the gist of it.

 

[rcguy]

Apartment or v small house, but you can get some nice appartments. Some ground floor ones with gardens.

Right now, bad timing, there is not much I can afford. Would love to stay in our house but, the money that she wants is more than I can borrow. I'm forced at this point to rent a place and so is she. I would love to see how she manages her budget because she has never managed a budget before.

 

[Evinrude58]

I’m feeling for you brother. At least you are doing what it takes to stop getting your guts ripped out every day. I admire that.
Your wife is not someone you’ll get sny happiness from every again. Accept that like you’re doing and move on as best you can.

 

[Livvie]

Right now, bad timing, there is not much I can afford. Would love to stay in our house but, the money that she wants is more than I can borrow. I'm forced at this point to rent a place and so is she. I would love to see how she manages her budget because she has never managed a budget before.

Didn't she say she's got plans to live with someone?

 

[rcguy]

Didn't she say she's got plans to live with someone?

Yes and no. She said she may stay in a basement apartment at a couples home. I know this couple, the woman is a longtime coworker of my wife. Their son recently moved out of the apartment and bought his own home.
The plan sounds fishy to me because she wants to keep our dog and cat. The couple didn't agree to pets and the dog has a fear of going into basements.
My feeling is that she expects someone else to jump in and sort out her life for her. I've been that person in the past, sadly but not anymore.

 

[rcguy]

YeAh, op is gonna pay half that credit card bill whether it’s fair or not. He seems ok with being “fair” just as he’s been ok with all his wife’s overspending, etc, that she’s been doing the whole marriage.
Passive behavior is what has gotten him to this point. Being passive is absolutely one of the most self destructive things a man can do in a marriage.

Absolutely agree.
Just learned how "fair" my STBX wants to be, when I made an offer to buy her out of the house. I offered to pay her $200K plus take over the mortgage and pay her $1000/month for 3 years. She turned it down flat then suggested that I should just walk away and leave the house to her.
So after 41 years of paying the bills, I get/ deserve nothing. That made me decide to sell the house and split our assets according to the law. If she won't agree then I can try arbitration. In Canada that's another option where a Family Law Professional is hired to act as a binding arbitrator. At least this way we stay out of court avoiding the cost and long delay.

 

[Blondilocks]

If she comes back to the negotiating table, do not offer a higher amount for the house. Make every future offer less than the one before.