[rcguy]

I overheard my wife tell her friend 9 months ago that she wants to separate after our son graduates.
Well now that he finished university, our daughter announced she is getting married this summer.
Now my wife is stalling with the separation agreement because of the wedding. I was retired but went back to working full time after I found out about the separation coming up.
Should we delay telling our family, 2 sons and a daughter, until after the wedding? Not sure how we will handle the stress of both these things at the same time. My wife works too and both of our jobs are stressful.

 

[Beach123]

If the plan is to divorce - then just divorce.
There is no value in pretending. Reality should override any upcoming events.
Any couple can play nice for a one/two day event.

 

[Andy1001]

Why are you so passive? Do you let your wife control everything in your marriage?

 

[BigDaddyNY]

I overheard my wife tell her friend 9 months ago that she wants to separate after our son graduates.
Well now that he finished university, our daughter announced she is getting married this summer.
Now my wife is stalling with the separation agreement because of the wedding. I was retired but went back to working full time after I found out about the separation coming up.
Should we delay telling our family, 2 sons and a daughter, until after the wedding? Not sure how we will handle the stress of both these things at the same time. My wife works too and both of our jobs are stressful.

Does she know that you know her plans?

It won't be stressful if you split amicably. It is pretty sad that she thinks it is okay to just string you along while she delays what she wants to do until it is convenient for her. Everyone is adults in this situation, so act like responsible adults.

 

[ConanHub]

Spankins all around I say.

 

[*Deidre*]

Did she share why she wants to separate? It sounds like it was connected to your retirement and now that you’re working again, she’s put it on hold. Just a wild guess based on what you’ve shared but probably a lot more to it.

 

[rcguy]

If the plan is to divorce - then just divorce.
There is no value in pretending. Reality should override any upcoming events.
Any couple can play nice for a one/two day event.

I agree. We are going to couples counseling at my request, so that I can move this forward. Now that I see she won't change her mind

 

[rcguy]

Why are you so passive? Do you let your wife control everything in your marriage?

Honestly, yes I did let her control our marriage until the last couple of years. When I started to push back with what I wanted she wants out of the marriage.

 

[rcguy]

Does she know that you know her plans?

It won't be stressful if you split amicably. It is pretty sad that she thinks it is okay to just string you along while she delays what she wants to do until it is convenient for her. Everyone is adults in this situation, so act like responsible adults.

She is worried more about other peoples impressions than about me. That has been normal for many years. I'm sure she feels some guilt over this too.

 

[ThatDarnGuy!]

Why are you so passive? Do you let your wife control everything in your marriage?

After spending 41 years of your life married to someone, I imagine that he is feeling pretty devastated and a mix of emotions.

I would suggest marriage counseling and try to figure out why she is feeling like this.

 

[rcguy]

Did she share why she wants to separate? It sounds like it was connected to your retirement and now that you’re working again, she’s put it on hold. Just a wild guess based on what you’ve shared but probably a lot more to it.

Mainly her complaint is that we don't socialize enough as a couple anymore. Plus when I was forced to retire early in 2019, I was depressed and moody for a while. Then of course Covid.

 

[No Longer Lonely Husband]

I overheard my wife tell her friend 9 months ago that she wants to separate after our son graduates.
Well now that he finished university, our daughter announced she is getting married this summer.
Now my wife is stalling with the separation agreement because of the wedding. I was retired but went back to working full time after I found out about the separation coming up.
Should we delay telling our family, 2 sons and a daughter, until after the wedding? Not sure how we will handle the stress of both these things at the same time. My wife works too and both of our jobs are stressful.

**** her. Just go ahead and pull the trigger. Give her what she wants.

 

[rcguy]

After spending 41 years of your life married to someone, I imagine that he is feeling pretty devastated and a mix of emotions.

I would suggest marriage counseling and try to figure out why she is feeling like this.

She refused counseling up until a couple of weeks ago. But at the session we went to she was absolutely certain that she wants to end the marriage. Just not yet.

 

[rcguy]

**** her. Just go ahead and pull the trigger. Give her what she wants.

I think that is the only option I have at this point. Just need to figure out how to get started.

 

[Affaircare]

@rcguy ,

My exH was like this too: absolutely certain he wanted to end the marriage...just not yet. That's because he wanted the "image" of the successful businessman with a happy family and the white picket fence...AND he wanted the freedom to screw around with whomever he pleased. Essentially, he wanted me to just sit around and wait for him while he decided whether to a) honor his vows to his wife, mother of his children and business partner or b) get all the strange tail he wanted.

I chose to NOT sit around and wait for her to decide. I'm not some toy to put on a shelf while you ignore it and neglect it! So I chose FOR ME and for my kids to not sit around and wait for "when he wanted to end the marriage" and went ahead and did it.

I understand it's been 41 years and you probably don't really want this. I sure didn't! I wanted my husband to choose to behave honorably--but he wouldn't. So I'm curious, why you would let her decide "when she's ready to end it." Why don't you look deep into your heart and decide if you are willing to be treated like an option...if she has no other choice?

 

[QuietGuy]

She is clearly acting completely in her self interest. It is time you did the same. Given the situation, look after yourself first. If the best thing for you is to divorce right now, see a lawyer and start the process. You can only control yourself, so you can move ahead in an adult way and hope she does the same.

 

[ThatDarnGuy!]

She refused counseling up until a couple of weeks ago. But at the session we went to she was absolutely certain that she wants to end the marriage. Just not yet.

In that case I would proceed to end it right now. It's offensive and highly disrespectful that she is treating you like a piece of disposable property she is going to throw away once she feels like doing it.

 

[Evinrude58]

Tell your kids. They are grown. They can handle it. Do not let your wife do all the talking and control the narrative. You have a whole new world opening up that might give you a wife that actually loves you. Ditch her with gusto.

 

[rcguy]

@rcguy ,

My exH was like this too: absolutely certain he wanted to end the marriage...just not yet. That's because he wanted the "image" of the successful businessman with a happy family and the white picket fence...AND he wanted the freedom to screw around with whomever he pleased. Essentially, he wanted me to just sit around and wait for him while he decided whether to a) honor his vows to his wife, mother of his children and business partner or b) get all the strange tail he wanted.

I chose to NOT sit around and wait for her to decide. I'm not some toy to put on a shelf while you ignore it and neglect it! So I chose FOR ME and for my kids to not sit around and wait for "when he wanted to end the marriage" and went ahead and did it.

I understand it's been 41 years and you probably don't really want this. I sure didn't! I wanted my husband to choose to behave honorably--but he wouldn't. So I'm curious, why you would let her decide "when she's ready to end it." Why don't you look deep into your heart and decide if you are willing to be treated like an option...if she has no other choice?

That must have been hard to go through but a big relief after it's over, I'm sure. I have to work out some self-esteem issues so I started therapy on my own. I also need to accept that the marriage is over. Stop grieving over it.

 

[Sfort]

Get out of the high stress job, too. Life is too short to tolerate that nonsense.