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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
After 26 years of marriage (31 years together) my wife decided she wanted something different. She started to become distant then cold towards me, not returning or showing any affection towards me. I then ended up finding her in bed with another man in our own home while I was in our bed. She was embarrassed to say the least and wanted to leave the house but I told her I didn’t want her to because I didn’t know what would happen to her. All of my friends and family have told me I was way to nice to her after this, but I love her and wanted to make it work. A few weeks went by and then she left the house to her parents. A few weeks after this she said she wanted a separation. From the time she left our home she said she needed space to finger out why she had did this. Of course I didn’t give her the space because my gut said I needed to show her that I loved her and keep her closer so she wouldn’t leave me. Since this I have read books and articles that all said the same thing, and I did the wrong thing basically pushing her further away. Over the course of this time I have been put through hell on an emotional roller coaster. She has yet to talk to me about why any of this has happened and refuses to even have a conversation with me about us or anything to do with what has happened. Leading up to this our marriage (in my eyes) was stronger than ever and we got along great never having any conflict or major arguments, so this came as a huge shock to me. I have been consistent throughout this with her showing her my love and wanting to reconcile, but it is to no avail. She has shown me that she just wants the money and will be gone afterwards starting her new life. It saddens me that she shows no feelings, emotions, or empathy towards me after being together that long. I’m trying to work with her (we both have lawyers now) on getting an amicable separation agreement, but just when I think we’ve made some progress she changes her mind and hits me from the side once again. I’m so confused and frustrated right now, I’m getting worn out and just want this over with. I would love some advice as I don’t know anyone near me who has been through this. Thanks LNA
 

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Sorry you're here, and much compassion for you. One of the first things, albeit without more info etc, I'm going to assume you're not a horrible person....

is you have to quickly realize SHE did this, not you, and you shouldn't be taking or feeling any guilt or blame for her actions.

You need to be cold shouldering her, and planning your emotional and financial exit even if you choose not to ask her to leave right this second.

Although you should.

Do not be worrying about how you can help heal things, it's on her. And she may still planning to leave you despite of what she may be saying.

Protect yourself first. Most folks, including me, would've put her out on the curb immediately. Let her live her choices. She's an adult.

Be strong, hang in there.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks, throughout our 31 years together I have never been unfaithful to her and have never been abusive or anything like that. Yes I have had my faults, as we all do, but my intentions were always to be a good loving husband and father to our children. She has moved out and took all of her clothes and personal effects and is currently living at her parents. We have 3 adult children, 2 are living on their own and one is in our home with me. The kids all know what she did because I felt they needed to know what their mother has done to our family. She was the one to go get a lawyer first and begin the formal separation agreement.
in the beginning I was feeling sorry for myself and thought I had to change or do something to save our marriage, but it’s taken some time and I now know I did nothing wrong and I don’t deserve this and I am ready to move on. The guy that I caught her with just went through a messy divorce and I’m pretty sure she had been talking with him throughout last summer leading up to her infidelity and our separation. I’m pretty sure he is “coaching” her through this because knowing her like I do she would never think of some of this stuff. She called the police on me and said that I forcibly confined her in our walk in closet, had been following her etc.. I met with the officer and he took my statement and was recommending it be dropped, which it was. She blatantly lied about this to the officer, I just told the truth which I believe came through for me. I truly believe that something is wrong in her head because the woman I now see and have been dealing with is not the woman I fell in love with and married. She had told me that she thought she was going through the change of life, plus her job has been really stressful, plus COVID and I believe this has all had an effect on her. She told me that something “shifted” in her in the beginning, which I don’t believe, as other posters have said, it has been leading up to this, likely for months, and likely has had sex many times before and after we separated. I’ve been hurt so bad throughout this and I’m just starting to feel better about myself now.
We were initially thinking about selling the house and splitting it, but then I thought I would like to keep it and we met our realtor and got a listing value for the house which we both agreed to. Then a week went by and she tells me because she never heard anything about this from her lawyer that she wants to proceed with selling the house. I wish I had found this site months ago, and read about “The 180”, so much good advice here.
 

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okay i hate to say this because i get you love you wife but stop being s doormat, the moment you found her in bed with another man that should have been the biggest red flag of all this marriage was over and you doing everything to keep the marriage together demonstrated that your wife eyes a weak man...i am glad that you are finally ready to move on she will get her just rewards for her actions in time and she will come to realize her actions...did you tell the kids she was trying to get you arrested?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
okay i hate to say this because i get you love you wife but stop being s doormat, the moment you found her in bed with another man that should have been the biggest red flag of all this marriage was over and you doing everything to keep the marriage together demonstrated that your wife eyes a weak man...i am glad that you are finally ready to move on she will get her just rewards for her actions in time and she will come to realize her actions...did you tell the kids she was trying to get you arrested?
Thanks, I agree with you 100%, and it has taken me a few months to get to where I am. It’s easy for everyone around you to say forget her and move on, but she is all I have known, my entire world, and when you love someone as much as I have you can’t just drop it on a dime. I have been grieving for months now and I am ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. The advice I am reading on this forum is great, as I said I wish I found it months ago.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Your wife is sick and twisted and so is her boyfriend. For them to have sex in your home while you were in bed is beyond outrageous.
So it gets even sicker. This prick was a guest in our home, he actually works in the same company as me. My son who also works there was hanging out with him outside of work, and started bringing him around the house. I know she had been talking with him over time and I was ok with that, I mean as I said to her, she was my best friend and wife, I had no trust issues whatsoever with her. Then the weekend in question which was my birthday weekend, and turns out he has the same birthday. I find out this guy is an alcoholic and drug addict and has been doing coke in my house ffs! I am 99% sure she was on it the night in question because she was bouncing off the walls at 5 in the morning and I couldn’t stay up any longer. Her and my son were still up playing pool and the prick was in the guest room sleeping. I went to bed and woke up an hour later to find she wasn’t in bed, so I start looking in rooms making my way downstairs only to get to the last room and here noises in there, open the door only to see his bare ass in the air! My heart dropped out of my chest, I was in shock to say the least. That image still comes into my head and I will wake up in the night and gasp, it’s an awful feeling.
 

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How old is he, and how old is your wife?
 

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So sorry you are here. I have almost the same story but it was a 30 year marriage. (Iwas on here when it all happened, still is the thread somewhere). Did you make mistakes, yes you did, but she is responsible for he affair, her and her alone, that is ALL on her. You playing the "pickme" game is another mistake you and I have in common. I still shudder 10 years later when I think of how pathetic I was. But the good news is that was yesterday, today is a new day. And it is never to late to do the 180. Many people will be giving you their opinion. Listen to them all, follow the ones that you feel are right, but what ever you do ACT!

Good luck to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
So sorry you are here. I have almost the same story but it was a 30 year marriage. (Iwas on here when it all happened, still is the thread somewhere). Did you make mistakes, yes you did, but she is responsible for he affair, her and her alone, that is ALL on her. You playing the "pickme" game is another mistake you and I have in common. I still shudder 10 years later when I think of how pathetic I was. But the good news is that was yesterday, today is a new day. And it is never to late to do the 180. Many people will be giving you their opinion. Listen to them all, follow the ones that you feel are right, but what ever you do ACT!

Good luck to you.
Thank you so much, it feels good to get this out and talk with people that have had similar eperiences. I will be a better person and life certainly does go on after this. I will admit I had thoughts of suicide briefly, and I sought counselling and have been speaking with my family doctor. I feel so much better today than I did 3-4 months ago. I appreciate any advice from those who will listen.
 

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Thank you so much, it feels good to get this out and talk with people that have had similar eperiences. I will be a better person and life certainly does go on after this. I will admit I had thoughts of suicide briefly, and I sought counselling and have been speaking with my family doctor. I feel so much better today than I did 3-4 months ago. I appreciate any advice from those who will listen.
It's good to hear your optimism. No man/woman is worth committing suicide over. With time, you get past the motivation to commit suicide, but if you do it, you never get past the suicide.

There has to be a LOT more to the story. It may not be worth unraveling. Why was your son hanging around with a 47 year old man? Why was your wife hanging around with him? What gave her the gall to have sex with him in your own house while you were in bed?

I cannot in my wildest dreams imagine anything that she could say or do that would suggest that reconciliation was a good idea. I would never be able to get past the betrayal. If she has a drug problem, it doesn't excuse her actions. She chooses to take the drugs, she chooses to accept the consequences.

You will never get past the mind movie you got from seeing his bare ass in the air. Good luck. Be strong.
 

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I guess that by now you clearly understand that what most likely happened was that as time went by you became domesticated, were happy with her, and you became a beta male. It happens to a lot of men after being marry for a while. For a lot of women beta men are a a source of scorn, they compare you with those men that are on the prole looking for some honey and are on full macho display regalia. You can't win, the alluring siren song being sung to them is a lot to resist by their stroke egos.

Typically you did everything a lot of men in your situation do: "the infamous pick me dance". That's the worse mistake a man can do. The more you come to them the further away they get from you. At this stage these women have little to no respect for their partner because there's a strong alluring alpha male in their sight. I'm glad that you came under that spell and got your manhood back. Full ahead with divorce. Do not longer communicate in person with her. Make it through the lawyers or an app for divorce and communicate just about legal matters. Don't ever be with her alone, you never know what she might try to pull on you again.

Forget about her excuses, or if she's crazy or not. Be done with her in every aspect. Utilized this experience in your next relationship, so that you do not become compliance in the relationship. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
It's good to hear your optimism. No man/woman is worth committing suicide over. With time, you get past the motivation to commit suicide, but if you do it, you never get past the suicide.

There has to be a LOT more to the story. It may not be worth unraveling. Why was your son hanging around with a 47 year old man? Why was your wife hanging around with him? What gave her the gall to have sex with him in your own house while you were in bed?

I cannot in my wildest dreams imagine anything that she could say or do that would suggest that reconciliation was a good idea. I would never be able to get past the betrayal. If she has a drug problem, it doesn't excuse her actions. She chooses to take the drugs, she chooses to accept the consequences.

You will never get past the mind movie you got from seeing his bare ass in the air. Good luck. Be strong.
My son likes to help others and has a good heart, more like why was a 47 year old man hanging around him? But in our line of business (construction) people of all ages tend to hang out and drink after work quite a bit. I have no idea what she was thinking, or like she said, not thinking to do this in our home. There is a lot more to the story. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can't hold **** in, unlike her, she (for obvious reasons) hasn't told anyone what happened. I even told her parents who I was very close with, there was no way this was going to get swept under the carpet a sfar as I was concerned. All I heard from everyone was "are you kidding, that scumbag"?
 

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When you walked in, did they stop, or did they ignore you and keep going? What did she say to you afterward?
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
When you walked in, did they stop, or did they ignore you and keep going? What did she say to you afterward?
Oh they stopped, I walked up the stairs, then she came up with the walk of shame. This was 6:00 in the morning. We went to our bedroom and both layed on the bed facing each other. She had the "Deer in the headlights" look for hours, never said a word. I just kept asking how could you do this? As I said I was in shock too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
One thing that I forgot to mention was she had our family all on "Find My Phone" (5 of us) (her idea) until back in November she started mesing around with it and would turn it off. Myself and my daughter would ask her what she was doign and she said "Oh I was deleting messages and it must have stopped following", she would turn it back on until a few days later she shut it completely off and the 4 of us couldn't see her location never to turn it on again. My daughter questioned her again and she said she felt like we were controlling her, my daughter said what? I just want to know where my mom is thats all! Obviously she was hiding something, its so evident looking back now.
 

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You think your wife was on drugs that night?
Had she taken drugs before?
Is she used to the effects?

There are guys out there that know peri menopause is good time to pounce, her sex hormones can be higher, whilst her connection to partner and family lower.

What a sickening sight to witness.
What a jerk of a colleague.
What a sadly traumatic end to a long term marriage.

Something inside your wife did shift, like she says, and like you see, she is a different person now after the shift.
It happens to some women.
I changed for awhile.

Sorry you are going through this.
 

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@latenightagony ,

It sounds as if you are beginning to get your head on straight, so for the moment I’m not going to give you advice about what to do or what not to do as regards the infidelity.

However, regarding the sale of the house, if the two of you have a selling price that you agree to, all you need to do is offer her an amount equivalent to half the price. For example, if you both agree to a value of $300,000, her half would be $150,000. So refinance and buy her out, and then you get to keep the house.
 
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