Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 6 of 6 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Asking for a friend:

1. Leaving her chronically alcohlic husband
2. no minor children
3. She's signed a lease for an apartment
4. Intends on informing husband a few days before the move out.
5. She's previously expressed concerns to him.
6. She's previously threatened to leave several times over the years
7. He's in denial
8. He's on workers compensation due to an alcohol episode invovling ICU stay. (2nd time)
9. Home recovering for several weeks / refuses counseling or AA
10. now she's serious.

What's the best way to inform him? what's the best way to handle the move out (moving truck/movers)?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,976 Posts
Is he ever abusive or is there reason to believe he would result to violence with this news?

Has she contacted a lawyer about moving marital property out of their house? And her leaving the marital home?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,933 Posts
I’m with @bobert on the possibility of violence. Have an officer present or a guy friend. I had to intervene on something like this for my wife’s friend once.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,099 Posts
First steps would be to consult a lawyer and inform him/her of the alcoholism and potential for trouble and then follow lawyers legal advice. They deal with this stuff day in and day out.

For something like you describe above, I recommend having all of your ducks in a row and have as much of everything already signed, sealed and delivered as you can so that dropping the bomb is the final act as you warp out of orbit.

Have as much in place as humanly possible including the police or at least some big, mean guy friends that would enjoy pounding his drunk ass if he tried to physically intervene while moving out.

I would have the kids already with some trusted friends or relatives so they aren’t present while he is served and the movers are there.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,762 Posts
Agree she needs to get things underway legally and consult lawyer before removing children from home.

She should see if some of his family will stand by to support him right after you leave.

If any chance for abuse, advise talking to domestic abuse hotline or victim's advocate at local police/sheriff for advice. If that's a possibility, you may need to make more elaborate plans to stay somewhere he can't find you, such as relative's. Of course, he knows where you work and where kids go to school, so you'll need to clue them into what is going on to prevent him walking in or taking the kids and running. Again, talk to attorney about this and have divorce papers in the works.

Get everything you can out of there gradually if possible before you leave, what you can without him noticing, and store somewhere. Not shared goods like furniture that must be divided legally, but kid clothes, your clothes, some basics for cooking. Remove pets if he is incompetent to take care of pets or abusive and will take it out on them.

Hope he's not a big threat. If he goes nuts or comes looking for you, get a restraining order. All that does it let him know if he's caught lurking around or trying to make contact, now the police can actually arrest him for it. Until you have that, they really can't short of obvious physical abuse visible on you or the kids.

Just know you can't help him. When people get sober, they usually have to leave people behind to get sober anyway because of associations and triggers. It's up to him to help himself and he may not have it in him. So you're doing the right thing.

The rightest thing you're doing here is showing the kids that extreme as it is, that it is not normal or right to stay with a drunk or other addict and that it's okay to walk away and have a better life. This helps keep the kids from just following in his footsteps or choosing someone who is familiar because they have the same big problems the parent did that they grew up believing is normal. Kids either repeat the cycle or rebel against it. It helps a lot that you are showing them it's not acceptable. So don't have guilt about that. He will probably get supervised visitation and there will be rules he'll have to follow to get that and more. It may help him in the long run. Good luck.
 
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Top