Separated for 2 weeks....

2786 Views 23 Replies 7 Participants Last post by Orpheus, Nov 14, 2012

seperated2000

Discussion Starter · Nov 10, 2012

So I will try to keep this as short as possible.
My husband and i have been friends for 17 years, been together for 14 12/ years and married 13 years. We have a 16 month old daughter.

Throughout our marriage i was emotionally abusive to him (going through counseling I realized that it was related to being molested until i was 14 years old).

As of October of 2011 we were going to counseling. We are still seeing individual counselors but no longer seeing a marriage counselor.

My husband told me that he "doesn't love me, can't find anything he appreciates about me and doesn't want me"

Technically we were separated but living together from October 2011-November 2012. We didn't go out anywhere and after having our daughter, I really hit a depression stage. So i ended up telling him (in September 2011) that I didn't know if I could ever be as affectionate as he would desire.

Well, since going to counseling I have realized that I am a loving and affectionate person. Unfortunately, its difficult for my husband to accept this as truth. He feels that "everything I have done in our marriage has been fake".

So what I'm trying to get at is, what do I do now? I live with my parents currently and we have agreed on visitation rights. This is not a legal separation.

He does certain things that tend to confuse me and maybe someone can answer this for me.

Yesterday, he had our daughter bring me a bread from starbucks. He said he asked our daughter what she would like to get me, and this is what she got me. Well, she doesn't talk yet so I know that he got it for me.

Also, he text me to let me know that he carpooled with one our mutual girl friends.

I asked him not to let me know about that unless there is some step towards reconciliation (there's a story to that. There hasn't been infidelity, but boundaries broken and it hurts to hear and see certain interactions with girls).

Anyone know why he would do this? Also, any other advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

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indiecat

· #2 · Nov 12, 2012

Will he attend joint marriage counseling with you again?
You still need a third party to help you.

Have you apologized for the abuse? Told him that it was wrong and you feel remorse?

separated2000

· #3 · Nov 12, 2012

indiecat said:
Will he attend joint marriage counseling with you again?
You still need a third party to help you.

Have you apologized for the abuse? Told him that it was wrong and you feel remorse?

I have asked him (before the separation) and he said that wants to work on himself right now and he can't promise anything.
Yes I have apologized (completely distraught emotionally as well as having a calm mind) and yes that I feel remorse.

He says he can't believe that I have sincerely changed. Others have noticed a change in me so I'm guessing its fear he's dealing with.

I no longer feel desperate, but I do want my husband back. I want to go to a marriage counselor so we can start over and have a friendship.
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Decorum

· #4 · Nov 12, 2012

Are you or your husband currently on any meds?
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separated2000

· #5 · Nov 12, 2012

Decorum said:
Are you or your husband currently on any meds?
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Haha no why?
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Decorum

· #6 · Nov 12, 2012 (Edited)

Didnt mean to take so long to reply, sorry.
I was just trying to understand why your husband would think things are fake.
Maybe he thought the changes were the meds, nothing against meds.

I hope you can work this out. Not being desperate is a big step, Congrads on that.

Thats a good starting point.

I dont know if this will help, but my wife can be a bit tough on me as well, we haved found a balance, but the one thing I need is to believe I am respected and my wife has learned to show this to me, I think you shreaded that, can you show this to him in many little ways with out being to obvious ?

Eye contact, quiet smiles when listening, quick responses when asked to do somthing, no nagging (sorry hate to use that word to a woman), Im serious if you could show a sense of awe of him, not so much with words, but a bit more of a distand awe, I think men are really attracted to this, think about it.
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Decorum

· #7 · Nov 12, 2012

I hope you dont mind me asking but is the car-pool girl a single woman?
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separated2000

· #8 · Nov 12, 2012

Decorum said:
Didnt mean to take so long to reply, sorry.
I was just trying to understand why your husband would think things are fake.
Maybe he thought the changes were the meds, nothing against meds.

I hope you can work this out. Not being desperate is a big step, Congrads on that.

Thats a good starting point.

I dont know if this will help, but my wife can be a bit tough on me as well, we haved found a balance, but the one thing I need is to believe I am respected and my wife has learned to show this to me, I think you shreaded that, can you show this to him in many little ways with out being to obvious ?

Eye contact, quiet smiles when listening, quick responses when asked to do somthing, no nagging (sorry hate to use that word to a woman), Im serious if you could show a sense of awe of him, not so much with words, but a bit more of a distand awe, I think men are really attracted to this, think about it.
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Oh that's true I didn't explain what happened and why he would think everything has been fake (and still is).

First, no worries on taking a little bit to get back with me.

Through the course of my life, I never had a functional childhood. I would watch "the **** van **** show", "Leave it to beaver" when I was a child (I'm 30 years old now). That was how I wanted my family to be like.

So when I got married, I would do the "wifely" thing. I'd clean, cook (I learned how to boil water when I was 16 years old, got married at 18. So I didn't know how to really cook, but my husband was patient), have sex, etc.

The one thing that was missing was that I didn't know love was attached to all of it. Tv shows don't accurately depict that (obviously).

So, I would go back and forth on my emotions about it. One day I'd be ok with doing dishes the next day I hated it. So since i felt that was what I needed to do as a wife, I would take it out on my husband (even though he didn't ask me to).

Fast-forward to today, after getting much needed counseling for a year, I have discovered that I do enjoy house work because I like coming home to a clean house, the kitchen still intimidates me but I don't get upset about it anymore, I love taking care of my daughter and I would love to be with my husband (as intimate as we could get).

Unfortunately (fortunate for me)there has been such a drastic change, that my husband just doesn't believe that it's real and that it's a ploy to get him back, etc.,

It's difficult because now that I'm free from "how I should be", I don't have my husband to experience it with.

As far as "respect" is concerned. To be honest, I'm still trying to get passed the awkward stage whenever we see each other. I have our daughter in the morning then he comes and picks her up and that's it when it comes to seeing each other.

Have you ever been separated?
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Decorum

· #9 · Nov 12, 2012

S2,
No I have not.
Its funny you should mention those TV programs I watched them too and they were reruns when I was young,

But I have been where your husband is, so done with my wife that I thought we could never get back together emotionally or physically, we had a 7 year IN HOUSE seperation.

But we are making it work now against all odds.

My wife and I are 54, 4 kids, 3 in college, my youngest is 17 she will grad HS this year. I will tell you more about us if you are interested sometime, but I have a room to paint

I will say that I love my kids to death, and honestly I am heartbroken for what what you had to go through as you were growing up.

Take care!

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daisygirl 41

· #10 · Nov 12, 2012

He still cares about you.
You have been part of his life for a longtime and just because you are delegated it doesn't mean that he doesn't have any feelings for you.
Don't read too much into it at this stage yet though. He might be confused and not know what he wants yet but also, old habits die hard.
Give him some space, don't answer every txt he sends and leave it to him to contact you. Just play it cool for a while.
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Decorum

· #11 · Nov 12, 2012

I think Daisy said it better than I did, dont breeze past this, this is your best approach.
I think you still have a place in his heart, my wife stil did.
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separated2000

· #12 · Nov 12, 2012

Decorum said:
I think Daisy said it better than I did, dont breeze past this, this is your best approach.
I think you still have a place in his heart, my wife stil did.
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Thank you daisy and decorum. Does living single really get old for someone? I love him, but also don't want to be "strung along" as my parents say. Before the separation my husband asked if I wanted an answer now. I said no then he said "because you know what the answer would be" which the answer to the question would have divorce. I asked him "so in 15 years if you find out what you want and it's not me, then there's a possibility that we will divorce" he said "there's a possibility". Of course that hurt, but more then that it was more like you expect me to wait that long to possibly find out that I was wasting my time?!?! It's amazing to me that he would actually think I would do that.

Decorum, do you understand why he would react/think that way? Since you say you've been through something similar.
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Decorum

· #13 · Nov 13, 2012 (Edited)

S2,

What Daisy and I told you still applies, He still cares about you, but right now he does not see you as a life partner. Can that change? Yes it can. Will it? No one can say.

I think he is trying to be as honest as he can, so that he does not "string" you along, but he is being as gentile as he can because he does not want to crush you.

Your best chance to renew his interest is to keep working on yourself, and work on moving on from him.

Repeat

Your best chance to renew his interest is to keep working on yourself, and work on moving on from him.

If he can see you as happy in yourself, fun to be with, hardworking, and responsible, he will feel more safe to let some of the walls down. Its a gift when someone entrusts themself to us.

He knows that as the mother of his child he will be interacting with you, the more contentment he sees in you, the more he will respect and trust you .

Its hard to show that in just the few minutes you see him, but you should be working on yourself and working on moving on for your own sake and for you daughters sake, and your future life partners sake (I know you want it to be him but still!)

No one can say what will happen as you two move forward, people go back to their EX's all the time.

I dont think he is sending you mixed messages, he is saying "you are the mother of my child and I care for you as a person, but not as a woman/Wife."

I am sorry for your situation, I am sorry for him also, it a hard road to get to the point he is at.

He has not cut and run that speaks well of him, work on yourself for your own sake and give it some more time.

Take care!

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Decorum

· #14 · Nov 13, 2012

Are you currently employed?

Orpheus

· #15 · Nov 13, 2012

S2000

Two weeks is nothing. Sure you're still in the red zone for ceaseless horror but its also nowhere near being strung along. Like Daisy said above, you need to give your spouse space. Particularly since you recognize yourself as abusive in the past. The BEST thing you can do immediately is soak up the love from your family and child and go full bore at reading up about how to fix you and how to pull yourself out of your fantasy about relationships. The sooner you do that the better off you'll be in having a healthy conversation with your husband.

Trust isn't a one time thing. You have to choose to trust the other people in your life every day. It takes courage to do that.
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lostinspaces

· #16 · Nov 13, 2012

I agree with the above and would also add/recommend working to come to terms that your future might not include him other than co-parenting.

I am getting many of the same signals messages from my STBXW and am trying to come to terms with the likelihood that this is them trying to be nice to someone they care about ... But no longer see a future with. Of course this leads to the feeling that you are getting mixed signals.

Remember that the one who left a marriage typically has strong feelings and guilt and remorse on their own. No one goes into a marriage planning on divorce, so they are also dealing with fear of being alone and huge questions about their future.

Continue to work on yourself. Be the best you possible and you will find the right person, whomever that is.

separated2000

· #17 · Nov 13, 2012

Orpheus said:
S2000

Two weeks is nothing. Sure you're still in the red zone for ceaseless horror but its also nowhere near being strung along. Like Daisy said above, you need to give your spouse space. Particularly since you recognize yourself as abusive in the past. The BEST thing you can do immediately is soak up the love from your family and child and go full bore at reading up about how to fix you and how to pull yourself out of your fantasy about relationships. The sooner you do that the better off you'll be in having a healthy conversation with your husband.

Trust isn't a one time thing. You have to choose to trust the other people in your life every day. It takes courage to do that.
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Decorum: I just got a night job because my parents said that I need to get my life prepared to be a single mom. Sound advice, I understand where they are coming from. So during the day I have my daughter, then my husband picks her up I go to work.
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separated2000

· #18 · Nov 13, 2012

Orpheus said:
S2000

Two weeks is nothing. Sure you're still in the red zone for ceaseless horror but its also nowhere near being strung along. Like Daisy said above, you need to give your spouse space. Particularly since you recognize yourself as abusive in the past. The BEST thing you can do immediately is soak up the love from your family and child and go full bore at reading up about how to fix you and how to pull yourself out of your fantasy about relationships. The sooner you do that the better off you'll be in having a healthy conversation with your husband.

Trust isn't a one time thing. You have to choose to trust the other people in your life every day. It takes courage to do that.
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Orp: I agree. Actually this last week has been much better and I've been thinking more for myself and my child. I really only cry when I see my daughter leave. I do love my husband, but if he asked to come back we would certainly need to build a friendship first and I would want to do that in desperate homes.
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separated2000

· #19 · Nov 13, 2012

lostinspaces said:
I agree with the above and would also add/recommend working to come to terms that your future might not include him other than co-parenting.

I am getting many of the same signals messages from my STBXW and am trying to come to terms with the likelihood that this is them trying to be nice to someone they care about ... But no longer see a future with. Of course this leads to the feeling that you are getting mixed signals.

Remember that the one who left a marriage typically has strong feelings and guilt and remorse on their own. No one goes into a marriage planning on divorce, so they are also dealing with fear of being alone and huge questions about their future.

Continue to work on yourself. Be the best you possible and you will find the right person, whomever that is.

Thank you.
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separated2000

· #20 · Nov 13, 2012

separated2000 said:
Orp: I agree. Actually this last week has been much better and I've been thinking more for myself and my child. I really only cry when I see my daughter leave. I do love my husband, but if he asked to come back we would certainly need to build a friendship first and I would want to do that in desperate homes.
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*seperate not desperate haha
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