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Hi,

My common law partner asked to separate a year and a half ago and moved out 10 months ago into her own condo. At the time she said it was because "she loved me, but wasn't in love with me". While separated we have been fairly amicable and were still doing a lot of family activities together. In a way it hasn't felt like we weren't separated at all.

Recently, (1 months ago) I found out that she was having an affair with a married co-worker for the past 2 years and that is the real reason she wanted to separate. I'm devastated by her betrayal. We have an 8 year old son that we share 50% custody of. I told the OM wife who has told her family and her husband's family. I have exposed her affair to my family, her sister and brother and some friends and neighbours.

Interestingly, the OM has now moved out into a townhouse but is not living with my wayward partner. Also, he only has custody of his children on weekends thus preventing the two cheaters from spending much time together. (A couple of week nights at most.) My impression is that they won't be moving in together anytime soon although the affair does continue.

Also, I would like to reconcile if possible. I have probably been too nice about the whole situation for fear of losing her completely.

I have three questions. They are:

1. Is it too late to expose the affair to her mother, co-workers, boss, etc... and more of our mutual friends? What would you recommend I do?

2. Should I expose the affair to our 8 year old son?

3. Should I be friendly and civil as much as possible or implement NC and "go dark" as I think Harley suggests?


Many thanks in advance.
 

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I don't think that reconciliation is even a faint option, you don't say anything about her having a change of heart or showing any remorse since you busted the affair, only that it will be less convenient.

If she doesn't want back in, what you want is irrelevant.

Yes tell your son that mom found a guy she loves better than daddy, and go dark on your common law wife. Expose the affair to everyone who you can possibly think of.
 

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She has considered reconciling but I think mostly out of guilt and because of wanting to do what is best for our son. She has compared the affair like about being on cocaine although I don't get the impression that the OM feels as strongly. Thanks for your suggestions.
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I don't think the rate of reconciliation has been very good for anyone who was too nice. She did you wrong for a long time and you let her, unknowingly but you let her. Call her on the carpet.

Exposing her to people outside of those directly affected, I don't think accomplishes much. You may help her find "friends" who think alike and would actually encourage her bad behavior. My EX best friend had an affair vicariously through my EX... My Ex only hangs around losers now...

Exposing her affair to your son is tricky. He is only 8. I did expose my EX affair to my 9 year old. My EX who moved out was next door to my house drinking beer with the guy she was having an affair with and my kids were at my house. I got mad and just let it out.

I talk to them about it as needed. I have them go to counseling as needed. I want my sons to grow up to be men, not just adult males. I want them to have morals and ethics. My two older boys do NOT get along with their mother at all.

I would be civil at best. I would not be friendly. You really want something that you used to have. My dog died at the old age of 15. I'd love to have him back. It's never going to happen, the poor thing died.

When I had my DDay, I grieved. I buried her though she was still living. I wished her back, but it was never to be. She did wrong. There are always other options to cheating. She cheated on you. Do you want to teach your son that that is ok behavior? Do you want to show him that as a man he should think it's ok? Do you want to teach him not to stand up for himself?

I don't. I say what I believe and I mean it. You don't need to be mean to be tough and firm, but you should be strong here not weak.
 

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I don't think that reconciliation is even a faint option, you don't say anything about her having a change of heart or showing any remorse since you busted the affair, only that it will be less convenient.

If she doesn't want back in, what you want is irrelevant.

Yes tell your son that mom found a guy she loves better than daddy, and go dark on your common law wife. Expose the affair to everyone who you can possibly think of.
I agree with this 100%.
 

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She has considered reconciling but I think mostly out of guilt and because of wanting to do what is best for our son. She has compared the affair like about being on cocaine although I don't get the impression that the OM feels as strongly. Thanks for your suggestions.
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DO NOT RECONCILE BECAUSE OF YOUR SON.

That is just is not a valid reason to reconcile. Your relationship with her has nothing to do with your son. I know its odd as you will say it has everything to do with it. But it doesn't. You son came out of a relationship that started with her.

The kids take a back seat to all of this honestly.

My wife cheated or was looking to cheat 1 month before our wedding. I could have left her, but I didn't.

My wife was looking to meet up with someone and fvck them in a motel 1 year after our first son was born.

My wife sent out emails 7 years ago to the man she broke up with to be with me that was a drug addict. My second son was 1 years old at the time.

After 19 years my wife has another affair and leaves me for a man she has know for 5 months.. My boys are 13 and 8 now.

3 chances to run and I stood by her side to fix this to be a family and on the 4th time she kicks me to the curb like I never existed. She doesn't even talk to me now and if she does its with contempt and disgust. Like I cheated on her and did something wrong. 19 years meant nothing to her. My 19 years of loyalty meant nothing to her. My devotion to her meant nothing. I would leveled this earth at her command. The sun set and rose on my wife..

Do what you want but make completely certain that you and her are doing this for all the right reasons, because 19 years later you will be kicking yourself in the a$$ when she leaves you..
 

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3 chances to run and I stood by her side to fix this to be a family and on the 4th time she kicks me to the curb like I never existed. She doesn't even talk to me now and if she does its with contempt and disgust. Like I cheated on her and did something wrong. 19 years meant nothing to her. My 19 years of loyalty meant nothing to her. My devotion to her meant nothing. I would leveled this earth at her command. The sun set and rose on my wife..

Do what you want but make completely certain that you and her are doing this for all the right reasons, because 19 years later you will be kicking yourself in the a$$ when she leaves you..
Because she knows she did wrong, and you allowed her to continue without major consequences. She lost respect for you.
 

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Time to get tested for STD's. I think you seriously need to ask yourself why you would wish to reconcile with someone with such an attitude and who clearly showed it did not bother her to humiliate and disrespect you in such a horrible way. She has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
 

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Do everything you mentioned except telling your kid. xpose it at her work, and to her parents.

And don't even consider reconciliation unless she begs you for it. Why do you want a cheater back ? Nostalgia
 

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If she truely wants this marriage to work she will take the exposure like a big girl and stick around.

If she doesn't want this marriage she will use this exposure as an excuse to get out of the marriage...

Bad behavior will continue with out consequences and if you don't expose, #1 you won't know how commited she really is and #2 she will do this crap again.
 

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And ya don't tell the kid until she bails on the marriage.

You will have to let him know that it wasn't his fault that mommy left, and that when mommies and daddies are married....mommies can't have boyfriends!

Again hold off on this and see how she handles the marriage.


After all her betrayal hasn't been fully addressed and she hasn't taken the actions to affair proof the marriage.

You my find your self in a false R and if thats the case then your kid will need to be addressed. Until then mummies the word with the little guy.

So help your wife with her addiction and expose this affair with the intent in making this affair inconvienent and uncomfortable to start up again!
 

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The kid is 8 years old!! I wouldn't tell him anything other than we are splitting up. Everybody else is fair game though.
I agree....getting your son involved wouldn't be fair to him

The most you should say is that you and his mom won't be getting back together
 

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The child will have to be told eventually. He'll try to figure it out. Better have the reason coming from you then elsewhere. If he ask, tell him. Do not lie to him.
An 8 year old isn't going to think cheating. He can be told that Mom and Dad are splitting up. There is no reason to tell a 2nd/3rd grader something so adult. He can learn about it when he is much older.
 
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