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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

I'm not sure what I looking for but I just needed to tell someone what my husband has said so many times over the last few months. We have been separated for 2 years and have 3 children. He likes to tell me that he despises me, hates me, that I am vindictive, that I don't care about his financial situation and when it comes to settlement before divorce we are just going to get more into debt. He says things like I am gold digger and if I am awarded any of his money and take it this is the lowest of lowest act ever. This is coming from someone who had no conscience when he committed adultery twice during the history of our relationship. The sad part is I still think about him sometimes and I don't hate him. It seems whenever see him which is only when dropping or collecting the kids I withdraw into myself and don't want to say anything. I have a car that is in his name. He will not sign it over to me even though I have paid for it, maintain it, pay road registration and insurance every year. He would like to take it back so his mother can have it. I know that I am none of the things he says I am and have told him this many times. He has decided that I am a worthless piece of rubbish and he wouldn't care if I didn't wake up tomorrow.:confused:
 

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{{Hugs}} You are NOT alone! My ex is the same way. I'm an entitled princess for wanting him to pay child support (about 40% of what the court would dictate, but I'm still greedy). You can't reason with someone like this, so don't even try. Try to surround yourself with people who build you up so you can be stronger to not let his verbal abuse cut so deeply.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
That's very sweet. Thank you.
 

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Regardless of what he says, there is a basic formula for splitting assets when getting divorced. It's usually a 50/50 split. So he can't just "take the car away" once you are legally separated.

How long were you married? What percentage of the household income do you earn? That will determine whether you (or him) are entitled to any spousal support. Just ignore his stupid comments. The court will laugh at his stupid ideas.

If you haven't already, go ahead and file for divorce. Then you can get temporary orders from a judge which will include the use of one of your vehicles. It will all be sorted out in the final settlement.
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Imagine two groups of people. One group is spoiled rotten and does not appreciate anything while the other has been dealt a tough hand and they have learned to make the best of it. Which group would you rather hang out with and consider more mature?

In case you can't tell which group you belong to, if you are wearing a $150 pair of these then you are spoiled:



If you are wearing cheaper $40 ones that look basically the same, then your in the group I'd hang out with:



Then the next guy you meet will be able to buy you the $150 pair and tell you that you are worth it and spoil you!

:smile2:

Cheers,
Badsanta
 

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Why haven't you divorced yet? Happy as a Clam is right, the courts will have a different ruling, than what you ex thinks he's going to get. Here's what happened to me with my first divorce/dissolution. I made more money than her and she had custody of our two sons, ages 6 & 3.

She got the better car, even though it was titled to both of us
She kept the house, but I was kept on as a second mortgage, with stipulations
I got stuck with most of our acquired debt, I think it was over 10K for me and around 3K for her.
My child support was just under 800.00 a month (this was in 1994)
My visitation was every other Monday, Thursday & every other weekend ( about every 4 days average) She was always good about holidays and any other time I wanted them.

I was forced to move back with my parents for a year, work two jobs to clean my debt slate & save up, while she worked her one job and still complained.

Your ex is in for a rude awakening. Courts love "Mom's", so I would get them involved ASAP and you'll find you won't have anything to worry about. He can kiss his car goodbye, especially since you are the one currently taking care of it. Hopefully he's not as bad with your children as he is with you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
We have been together for 18 years and married for 14. I have been in and out of the workforce due to having and raising children. My husband was always the breadwinner and was never happy with what I could contribute. He does not want to go to settlement and says that this will hurt the children. He also said that if I am awarded any money I can't touch it for 20 years anyway? My name is on the mortgage on the home we lived in as a family and he would like this removed as soon as possible. In terms of spousal support, he could be asked to pay this but I am not expecting anything. In fact I am actually quite fearful at this time. Thanks for your concern.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Regardless of what he says, there is a basic formula for splitting assets when getting divorced. It's usually a 50/50 split. So he can't just "take the car away" once you are legally separated.

How long were you married? What percentage of the household income do you earn? That will determine whether you (or him) are entitled to any spousal support. Just ignore his stupid comments. The court will laugh at his stupid ideas.

If you haven't already, go ahead and file for divorce. Then you can get temporary orders from a judge which will include the use of one of your vehicles. It will all be sorted out in the final settlement.
Posted via Mobile Device
Imagine two groups of people. One group is spoiled rotten and does not appreciate anything while the other has been dealt a tough hand and they have learned to make the best of it. Which group would you rather hang out with and consider more mature?

In case you can't tell which group you belong to, if you are wearing a $150 pair of these then you are spoiled:



If you are wearing cheaper $40 ones that look basically the same, then your in the group I'd hang out with:



Then the next guy you meet will be able to buy you the $150 pair and tell you that you are worth it and spoil you!

:smile2:

Cheers,
Badsanta
I don't intend to be negative but I am so crushed by this whole thing that I am not looking for anyone and since this all happened I have confidence issues. It's my own fault for convincing myself that I am not good enough for anyone else.
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
He loves the children and doesn't treat them the same way he does me. He hates me for leaving and blames me for everything. I would like to have the car as I'm not in a position to buy another. We also live far away from bus stops and the children go to school in different directions. If he did take the car I would be screwed.
 

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I don't intend to be negative but I am so crushed by this whole thing that I am not looking for anyone and since this all happened I have confidence issues. It's my own fault for convincing myself that I am not good enough for anyone else.
You are perfectly fine as you are. Breakups of long relationships are devastating to anyone, even those with naturally high confidence. Your feelings are quite normal. So are his, btw. Deciding to hate someone is the path to letting go. Try to drop the guilt asap.

Guilt is overrated. Once you are set on a path, the only truly useful thing is to learn from the experience.

And do not ever let him, nor anyone else, dictate your self-worth:

You can waste . . . years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are good enough. No. You have to just . . . take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, I'm sorry you feel like that, and walk away.
- Lois McMaster Bujold
 

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He loves the children and doesn't treat them the same way he does me. He hates me for leaving and blames me for everything. I would like to have the car as I'm not in a position to buy another. We also live far away from bus stops and the children go to school in different directions. If he did take the car I would be screwed.
You really need to work toward getting fully divorced from him, you are letting him control too much of your life, stopping you from really moving on.
 

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Why do you care that what he says about what you are legally entitled to. You are a stay-at-home mom and the primary caregiver of the child. No court will throw you out on the street and make you wait 20 years for your portion of the marital assets.

If you don't have independent means to hire an attorney, call the local bar association and ask for a pro bono referral to a family law attorney in your area. That way you will have an actual idea what you can expect from the courts.

And I know how it feels to be blamed for the D. My ex tried that on me, but you know what? It is yet another example of how he cannot cope with the choices he has made.
 

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Wow this is awful:frown2:.

Two years is not a separation, that's purgatory. That's you not moving on with your life.

Your husband displays strong narcissistic tendencies. I cannot definitively tell you that he is a narcissist but based on his behaviour and how you've described him, that would be my assessment, at the very least he is an a**hole. There are several threads here with women married to narcissists your stories share similarities (multiple instances of infidelity, horrible treatment, lies, manipulation, blameshifting, gaslighting, etc).

I'm actually surprised and impressed that you have separated from him. Not many have the strength to leave. It's also expected that he displays hateful behaviour towards you for having the "audacity" to leave him. He hates that he can't control you in this regard. He and those like him despise women who have the inner strength and fortitude to leave. His hateful behaviour and comments are meant to break you, to make you feel worthless, to make you doubt yourself and keep you low. His words attack you, your self-esteem and your sense of self-worth and value. That is all manipulation and control that serves to demean and keep you down so that you do not have confidence in yourself to stand up to him and move on with your life.


Him calling you worthless, saying that you are to blame for everything, that a settlement will hurt the children, that is complete and utter nonsense. It is more manipulation on his part. You are not a golddigger and you are not vindictive. If you're awarded the money you can't touch it for twenty years? In what world:|? This is how he is able to control, by making you question your decisions, making you unsure of yourself, do not fall for it.

Everything he has said to you is solely self-serving. He is exclusively looking out for himself and his interests. That's why he wants you to take your name off the mortgage, why he won't sign over the car to you and why he doesn't want a settlement, it serves HIM and HIS interests. Do not believe his lies and manipulation, no matter how convincing he sounds or how forceful and righteous he is. Youcan be strong.

A divorce and settlement would negatively impact his lifestyle and standard of living. He likely treats you like s*** but with everyone else he is nice, charming, funny, etc. It makes you think that there's something wrong with you that he treats you this way. There isn't. His behaviour with others is only a façade. A divorce would be detrimental to this façade, it would reveal that he is an adulterer, that he is not who he pretends to be and he wants to preserve this false persona.


You writing that you still think about him despite how he has and continues to treat you, that speaks to codependency, which is not surprising because those that are codependent are usually targeted by and end up with narcissists. However, those relationships are unhealthy and dysfunctional. The dynamic is toxic and the codependent usually suffers the most. You need to disengage and remove yourself, even though you are separated you are still in his sphere of control and manipulation. Maybe therapy will help you build yourself up where you're indifferent to him and this man's words can't do damage to you. Research Narcissism and codependency and learn all you can from it to help you.


Do divorce him, absolutely. Seek a good lawyer who is competent and able, and who has your best interests in mind. Limit your interactions with your soon-to-be-ex-husand to texts or messages, and only when it concerns your children. Have your lawyer handle all other subject matters such as finances, legal issues, the household or the divorce. Do not entertain any other topics with him and either don't respond to him or disengage when he tries to insult, blame or pull you into an argument.


It may take time but with space and independence from him you will realize not only how toxic he is and how bad this situation is, but that you can move on and be happy. You will realize that you are worth more than what he has led you to believe. Surround yourself with good people who have a positive influence on you and your life. Take care of your physical and emotional wellbeing, exercise, eat healthy, sleep a good amount of hours each night, take up a hobby,
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 · (Edited)
Wow this is awful:frown2:.

Two years is not a separation, that's purgatory. That's you not moving on with your life.

Your husband displays strong narcissistic tendencies. I cannot definitively tell you that he is a narcissist but based on his behaviour and how you've described him, that would be my assessment, at the very least he is an a**hole. There are several threads here with women married to narcissists your stories share similarities (multiple instances of infidelity, horrible treatment, lies, manipulation, blameshifting, gaslighting, etc).

I'm actually surprised and impressed that you have separated from him. Not many have the strength to leave. It's also expected that he displays hateful behaviour towards you for having the "audacity" to leave him. He hates that he can't control you in this regard. He and those like him despise women who have the inner strength and fortitude to leave. His hateful behaviour and comments are meant to break you, to make you feel worthless, to make you doubt yourself and keep you low. His words attack you, your self-esteem and your sense of self-worth and value. That is all manipulation and control that serves to demean and keep you down so that you do not have confidence in yourself to stand up to him and move on with your life.


Him calling you worthless, saying that you are to blame for everything, that a settlement will hurt the children, that is complete and utter nonsense. It is more manipulation on his part. You are not a golddigger and you are not vindictive. If you're awarded the money you can't touch it for twenty years? In what world:|? This is how he is able to control, by making you question your decisions, making you unsure of yourself, do not fall for it.

Everything he has said to you is solely self-serving. He is exclusively looking out for himself and his interests. That's why he wants you to take your name off the mortgage, why he won't sign over the car to you and why he doesn't want a settlement, it serves HIM and HIS interests. Do not believe his lies and manipulation, no matter how convincing he sounds or how forceful and righteous he is. Youcan be strong.

A divorce and settlement would negatively impact his lifestyle and standard of living. He likely treats you like s*** but with everyone else he is nice, charming, funny, etc. It makes you think that there's something wrong with you that he treats you this way. There isn't. His behaviour with others is only a façade. A divorce would be detrimental to this façade, it would reveal that he is an adulterer, that he is not who he pretends to be and he wants to preserve this false persona.


You writing that you still think about him despite how he has and continues to treat you, that speaks to codependency, which is not surprising because those that are codependent are usually targeted by and end up with narcissists. However, those relationships are unhealthy and dysfunctional. The dynamic is toxic and the codependent usually suffers the most. You need to disengage and remove yourself, even though you are separated you are still in his sphere of control and manipulation. Maybe therapy will help you build yourself up where you're indifferent to him and this man's words can't do damage to you. Research Narcissism and codependency and learn all you can from it to help you.


Do divorce him, absolutely. Seek a good lawyer who is competent and able, and who has your best interests in mind. Limit your interactions with your soon-to-be-ex-husand to texts or messages, and only when it concerns your children. Have your lawyer handle all other subject matters such as finances, legal issues, the household or the divorce. Do not entertain any other topics with him and either don't respond to him or disengage when he tries to insult, blame or pull you into an argument.


It may take time but with space and independence from him you will realize not only how toxic he is and how bad this situation is, but that you can move on and be happy. You will realize that you are worth more than what he has led you to believe. Surround yourself with good people who have a positive influence on you and your life. Take care of your physical and emotional wellbeing, exercise, eat healthy, sleep a good amount of hours each night, take up a hobby,
Thank you so much for responding to my thread. You have said things that I have difficulty verbalising. You have portrayed the situation exactly as it is. I do need to sort out my confidence issues sometime soon. I was thinking today the cracks in the marriage definitely started with adultery and over the years they became much wider. This is the root of this whole mess. Thanks again :0. PS. - Tried sending you a private message but it didn't work.
 

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This is basically emotional/psychological abuse. One cannot mistake the intentions of someone who treats you this way and how it has affected you. His efforts to demean, manipulate and control you have worked. You've lost confidence and pride in yourself. You view him as this powerful figure who lords over you. You withdraw and retreat, don't. That only serves to isolate you and make you feel more alone and helpless.

The things he has said to you and how has has behaved towards you, I'd expect that from a mortal enemy or arch-nemesis, maybe an evil step-mother and her daughters, but not a spouse. You've become accustomed and normalized this but it is far from normal.

This is one of those situations where someone exerts so much influence over another and makes their life suck. Where you have someone who was once joyful, optimistic, confident and full of life have that light in them extinguished and their outlook on life marred due to this negative, toxic force in their life.

An affair on it's own is traumatic and devastating enough, two affairs (that you're aware of) and how he has treated you since, that's seriously horrible. I don't subscribe to that this began with his affair(s). He is not separate from his adultery. If this hadn't existed before then he wouldn't have had the affairs. Maybe he changed over time or maybe this is who he always was been and it was hidden or hadn't had the opportunity to reveal itself before, whatever the case, this is who he is now.

You can't allow this to continue. He can't continue to have this power over you and be this domineering hateful presence in your life. No one should have to go through this, so why should you:|?

Making changes is a huge step, and it requires that you recognize that there is a problem and that you accept the reality of your situation. This whole dynamic with your husband and how your life has been, that is a HUGE problem and it needs to change. You have to make the changes in your life, no excuses or explanations. Things suck and you have to change that. No one else will do it for you and ultimately, you will be SO glad that you did.


Look for a lawyer, one that'll really look out for you, explain your situation, listen to their advice, and file for divorce.

Limit contact with your husband to texts, emails or messages. Avoid calls and seeing him in person unless it is absolutely necessary. Topics of discussion should only concern your children, and household, legal or financial matters. Let your lawyer handle as much of these as possible.

Your husband probably won't take this well. He won't want to lose his finances and assets and will go into overdrive and throw a major tantrum. Should he confront you and you're unable to disengage and remove yourself from the situation, do not fear or allow him to intimidate you.

One way to regain your self-confidence is by standing up for yourself. You have more power than you realize, that's why he tries to keep you down, so that you're broken and easy to control. Never be on the defensive with him, either neutral or on the offensive. You've known him for almost two decades, I'm sure you're aware of enough of his insecurities and fears to shut him down if he persists. Practice standing up to him and prepare yourself if you have to, realize that his words are as small and unimportant as he is. He says these things because if he says them often enough they are all that you'll be able to think of and you'll start to believe them. Reaffairm to yourself your positive attributes and accomplishments. Whenever he says something negative to you and you find yourself thinking about it later, stop and say that he is wrong and drown out his words. Someone saying what he says shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself, you either dismiss it as nonsense, tell him to f*** off or get angry.


You also need to take care of yourself, that is your emotional, psychological and physical well-being. Workout, join a gym, take up a sport, yoga, etc and exercise regularly. Keeping fit does wonders for your health and mood and will help you boost your confidence and have you feeling better about yourself.

Also socialize, go out and have fun. You shouldn't isolate yourself or feel shame over how things have been. Confide in close friends and family. You do not need to protect or cover for him. Allow others to help you and to offer you support. If you can, see a therapist to help you deal with what you've been through, the infidelity, the way your husband has treated you and your self-esteem. Work on being the best possible version of yourself.

You can post your story in the Coping With Infidelity section if you want, I think you'll receive more help and support there.

Live your life, don't delay or make excuse. I know it's not easy. Eighteen years with someone is a lifetime and it's hard to imagine moving on, even if thngs are horrible, but two years of this is enough time wasted.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I'm starting to wonder if you are psychic or something else, seriously! It's like you are reading my mind from somewhere in Southern Africa. Through all this I have returned to university to complete a Bachelor of Education degree. Not content with just certificates to my name I came to realise that I haven't reached my full potential yet so decided to put my heart into this and I can't wait to finish. My husband never supported my willingness to study and educate myself further. It was always about paying this and that share of the bills when we were together. Even now he makes frequent payment requests for this and that. We live separately and that doesn't stop him. I'm sure in time my confidence will return. As it is I am just focussing on the children, our home and my studies. Thanks a lot for your advice. It has helped enormously.
 

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Stratos has given you great advice, but I just want to echo what she's said. And talk to a lawyer, seriously. I've been with my h for 20 years, and for most of those years, he was a sweet, kind, wonderful guy (or at least acted like one). When he announced he wanted divorce, I was so tired of him and his shenanigans with his OW, I was relieved. After having broken up with her, returned home to reconcile, she had more than once hijacked his email. This time, she chose to hijack his email and discover that his mother sent a message of condolence on my mother's death and impending funeral, and she started texting him the day we buried my mother, and he returned her texts and ended up calling her. This is our second attempt at divorce, since he wanted to come home and cancel the one HE filed in 2010 and reconcile. And he has been capable of being as mean as yours, but he has never tried to beat me down or control me because I am strong, have demonstrated I don't need him, and I left him and his OW to do as they liked. But when it came time to divorce THIS time, because he was in a hurry and so was she, since he proposed to her (who proposes marriage when they're married to someone else???), he wanted an uncontested divorce, wanted me to sit down and load info into a computer for him to use for a quicky divorce, and I said no. I reminded him that while I said I wouldn't fight him or prolong the divorce unnecessarily, I was not going to sit down and summarily dismantle our marriage online without a lawyer to protect my interests. It took him down a peg or three.

But my point of telling you that is, I wanted the divorce badly and was really feeling the pressure from him to just sit down and load the crap and let him wander into the future and avoid ALL consequences for his behavior. Instead, I saw a lawyer, and a huge weight was lifted. There were several standard things that can make my life better in a divorce that my attorney proposed, and she has my back. Her lawyer deals with his, and I don't talk to h. And if he doesn't like these standard things, he can be mad at the law or the attorneys and not me. And he can agree to them, if he wants this divorce so fast so that he can marry OW, or HE can drag it out if he's unhappy with those things. But if he drags it out, his OW will be unhappy and so will he. The onus is on him; he thinks he has control but at the same time, there will be consequences for him one way or the other, since the OW is chewing his ear off daily about pressing for the divorce.

So yes, as soon as you can, find and consult with a lawyer. It will definitely take the pressure he is putting on you OFF you, and your lawyer can see the narcissistic bully you've been putting up with it.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Thank you for sharing your story and insight TeddieG. The H wants this divorce done and dusted like yesterday! He has also been saying that it is stupid to spend a lot of money on getting divorced because the children will suffer???? He has also told me that he doesn't have any money to pay a lawyer to represent him at property settlement. As far as I know he had one or two consultations with different lawyers and both have said that we don't have to do it this way, the onus is on me and we can divorce without lawyers???? I stopped trusting him years ago! Looking back at our history there was so much wrong. What I didn't mention previously is that this is our 3rd separation and it's the last! In my heart, I know that I am none of the things he says I am. I used to cry myself to sleep every night, but that doesn't happen anymore. He has broken my heart and my confidence! Studying hard is one thing but in terms of meeting someone else one day that isn't on my list of priorities after all of this! Good luck to you too.
 

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Thank you for sharing your story and insight TeddieG. The H wants this divorce done and dusted like yesterday! He has also been saying that it is stupid to spend a lot of money on getting divorced because the children will suffer???? He has also told me that he doesn't have any money to pay a lawyer to represent him at property settlement. As far as I know he had one or two consultations with different lawyers and both have said that we don't have to do it this way, the onus is on me and we can divorce without lawyers???? I stopped trusting him years ago! Looking back at our history there was so much wrong. What I didn't mention previously is that this is our 3rd separation and it's the last! In my heart, I know that I am none of the things he says I am. I used to cry myself to sleep every night, but that doesn't happen anymore. He has broken my heart and my confidence! Studying hard is one thing but in terms of meeting someone else one day that isn't on my list of priorities after all of this! Good luck to you too.
Sweetie, all cheating ho's, male and female, who have made promises to their affair partners between the sheets and who have decided on divorce in order to keep those promises want it fast and cheap (like their affair partners, really!). You'd never believe the number of cheaters who whine about wasting money on lawyers or whine about how long it takes or how lawyers make it adversarial (not in MY case, my lawyer and h's lawyers are friends and work together all the time), but the really interesting thing is, I realized today THE DEGREE TO WHICH MY H NO LONGER CARES ABOUT ME OR ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME and would throw me under the bus for his addiction. So I do what I have to take care of me and I NO LONGER CARE HOW HE FEELS ABOUT IT. He wants to make OW happy and that is ALL he sees.

And absolutely get busy with that degree. The best revenge is a great life and moving on and doing fantastic, but by the time you're making that kind of progress, you won't even care and WON'T be looking into the rearview mirror.
 

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First and most important step: DO NOT LISTEN !!!

Second step: see step one.

Actually it is that simple. You know what needs to be done. The only question is how to make it happen and how to protect yourself.
 
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