Hello everyone. I am new and desperately seeking some advice! I am completely lost and I feel as though speaking to those who are closet to me may result in bias, so I wanted to get some outside opinions. I apologize for the super long post in advance!!
To start, I've been married for 6 years to a great man. I know he loves me, he's stable, and I see us having a strong future if things get better. We have had our ups and down, but everything was fine until 2 years ago. We had just healed from a majorly tense year when his brother moved in with us and really strained our marriage. We never saw each other due to work/school, and it was just awful and tense.
When his brother moved out, we began to breathe a little better and things got back to our normal, happy marriage. Then we took a trip. During this trip, things were fine until the last week. My husband lashed out at me in a manner that scared me and shocked me so badly that I considered buying a plane ticket home and leaving him. We were on a road trip and driving, but after this fight which escalated because I asked him not to do something that might injure him, he yelled at and cursed me so badly, out of the blue, that it hurt too much to even consider being in the same room with him. When we got to our lodging, I was so shaken I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for hours.
We had NEVER had an experience like that before. Anyway, it shook me badly and I feel as though I've not recovered from it since. Just a year ago, he lashed out again in a similar manner. It wasn't as bad, but still so hurtful I cried for hours and it was over something simple like working out properly! Nothing that even remotely needed such anger to come from him. My husband has a dominate personality and he tends to disregard my feelings often. I often have been told that I am too submissive and I have given up so much (having children, moving all over the place away from my family, sacrificing beliefs, etc.) to make our relationship work. But he is a good man and I know he loves me.
Anyway, the argument hurt and reminded me of our trip fight which scared me. I feel as though I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop since, but we've made it work as I've pushed my feelings aside to work on this because I love him. Unfortunately, another challenge has come. I don't feel as though I've completely healed from these lashings and I think it's been causing me to emotionally withdraw little by little over the years. Now, we've moved to a new state to start a new chapter, but I've met someone at work who started out as just a friend, but over the past few months it has turned into something else.
I have never considered even thinking about another man (other than the normal, natural attraction and human curiosity of course), but this person that I've met has really affected me. I know seeing someone every day for 8+ hours, spending time with them talking, having lunch, just getting to know each other....I know that leads to attraction and strong feelings. It was never sexual, but I feel as though I've emotionally crossed a line with this person who just started out as a friend. We coached each other on our relationships, shared and confided in one another, and we're just there for each other to listen to.
He's currently going through a separation/divorce himself from a person who he married because she was pregnant, and she's made things difficult for him since (2 years that he's tried to do whatever to make her happy and keep her from taking his daughter away, but she uses that against him when he's tried to leave). We were just leaning on each other I suppose at first, but then it turned into something else. I started developing feelings for him (and vice versa) and now that he's moving on from his unhappy marriage, it's making me think about my own problems. He'd been working to make himself more stable on his own so that he could leave his wife and take care of his daughter for a year before we ever met, so he's not leaving for me, just to clarify!
He's got flaws, it's not like I think he's a solution to my problems with my husband, but we want the same things out of a relationship that my husband seems to be ignoring. I've tried to work things out with my husband by sharing my feelings about how those arguments hurt me, how he's too controlling, and how I feel he ignores my opinions and feelings because he thinks he's always right, but it only temporarily fixes things. He'll listen, apologize, and we'll get along perfectly until he does it again....and again...and again. I feel like he just apologizes to get me to shut up, but in the end still feels his way of "running" our marriage and preparing for our future is the right and only way.
Anyway, it doesn't seem like communication works, and it's worse because we don't see each other as much since we both work full time. My job requires a lot of overtime often, and my friend/coworker is always there. I've tried to distance myself from him emotionally, but he feels the same as I do, if not stronger and it's hard for both of us because he knows the stress it puts on me given the situation and I'm sure he's stressed as well and the stress it would put on my husband to know I've been emotionally confiding in another just kills me inside, but I can't help it. I just keep thinking about how much I love my husband, but I'm afraid that I've withdrawn so much over the past few years and that this new person has just shown me how much I've actually pulled away.
It's difficult because I do love my husband. I've never cheated on him or anyone because I could never allow myself to go that far. We've always said that if we found someone else, we should tell each other and separate rather than cheat. But I'm not sure if that's what is best. I have never actively gone out looking for something outside of my marriage, and I feel terrible guilt for even letting myself grow so attached to another man emotionally. I don't know if it's making me more miserable because my husband isn't listening and I'm feeling walled up, or because I've met this other person who I care for and am curious about a future with if things didn't work out with my husband. He's someone who's wants closer mimic my own, more so than my husband's do currently and that terrifies me.
I just don't want that to influence how I handle my marriage. I want to work it out with my husband, but he's not changing. I keep talking with him about my feelings of withdrawal and walling up weekly, but he shrugs it off. I don't want to hurt him, but if he doesn't listen to the things that I feel are causing me to withdraw, then what can I do?
I'm lost and the guilt and feeling like a terrible person for allowing myself to get this caught up is killing me. We had 4 wonderful years of just an amazing marriage, but after he lashed out at me and attacked me emotionally, I haven't been able to shake it.....
My feelings for the other person aside, is it better to separate and give myself time to figure out what if it's worth it to keep feeling this way ...or should I just stick it out and continue with our marriage being like this?
To start, I've been married for 6 years to a great man. I know he loves me, he's stable, and I see us having a strong future if things get better. We have had our ups and down, but everything was fine until 2 years ago. We had just healed from a majorly tense year when his brother moved in with us and really strained our marriage. We never saw each other due to work/school, and it was just awful and tense.
When his brother moved out, we began to breathe a little better and things got back to our normal, happy marriage. Then we took a trip. During this trip, things were fine until the last week. My husband lashed out at me in a manner that scared me and shocked me so badly that I considered buying a plane ticket home and leaving him. We were on a road trip and driving, but after this fight which escalated because I asked him not to do something that might injure him, he yelled at and cursed me so badly, out of the blue, that it hurt too much to even consider being in the same room with him. When we got to our lodging, I was so shaken I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for hours.
We had NEVER had an experience like that before. Anyway, it shook me badly and I feel as though I've not recovered from it since. Just a year ago, he lashed out again in a similar manner. It wasn't as bad, but still so hurtful I cried for hours and it was over something simple like working out properly! Nothing that even remotely needed such anger to come from him. My husband has a dominate personality and he tends to disregard my feelings often. I often have been told that I am too submissive and I have given up so much (having children, moving all over the place away from my family, sacrificing beliefs, etc.) to make our relationship work. But he is a good man and I know he loves me.
Anyway, the argument hurt and reminded me of our trip fight which scared me. I feel as though I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop since, but we've made it work as I've pushed my feelings aside to work on this because I love him. Unfortunately, another challenge has come. I don't feel as though I've completely healed from these lashings and I think it's been causing me to emotionally withdraw little by little over the years. Now, we've moved to a new state to start a new chapter, but I've met someone at work who started out as just a friend, but over the past few months it has turned into something else.
I have never considered even thinking about another man (other than the normal, natural attraction and human curiosity of course), but this person that I've met has really affected me. I know seeing someone every day for 8+ hours, spending time with them talking, having lunch, just getting to know each other....I know that leads to attraction and strong feelings. It was never sexual, but I feel as though I've emotionally crossed a line with this person who just started out as a friend. We coached each other on our relationships, shared and confided in one another, and we're just there for each other to listen to.
He's currently going through a separation/divorce himself from a person who he married because she was pregnant, and she's made things difficult for him since (2 years that he's tried to do whatever to make her happy and keep her from taking his daughter away, but she uses that against him when he's tried to leave). We were just leaning on each other I suppose at first, but then it turned into something else. I started developing feelings for him (and vice versa) and now that he's moving on from his unhappy marriage, it's making me think about my own problems. He'd been working to make himself more stable on his own so that he could leave his wife and take care of his daughter for a year before we ever met, so he's not leaving for me, just to clarify!
He's got flaws, it's not like I think he's a solution to my problems with my husband, but we want the same things out of a relationship that my husband seems to be ignoring. I've tried to work things out with my husband by sharing my feelings about how those arguments hurt me, how he's too controlling, and how I feel he ignores my opinions and feelings because he thinks he's always right, but it only temporarily fixes things. He'll listen, apologize, and we'll get along perfectly until he does it again....and again...and again. I feel like he just apologizes to get me to shut up, but in the end still feels his way of "running" our marriage and preparing for our future is the right and only way.
Anyway, it doesn't seem like communication works, and it's worse because we don't see each other as much since we both work full time. My job requires a lot of overtime often, and my friend/coworker is always there. I've tried to distance myself from him emotionally, but he feels the same as I do, if not stronger and it's hard for both of us because he knows the stress it puts on me given the situation and I'm sure he's stressed as well and the stress it would put on my husband to know I've been emotionally confiding in another just kills me inside, but I can't help it. I just keep thinking about how much I love my husband, but I'm afraid that I've withdrawn so much over the past few years and that this new person has just shown me how much I've actually pulled away.
It's difficult because I do love my husband. I've never cheated on him or anyone because I could never allow myself to go that far. We've always said that if we found someone else, we should tell each other and separate rather than cheat. But I'm not sure if that's what is best. I have never actively gone out looking for something outside of my marriage, and I feel terrible guilt for even letting myself grow so attached to another man emotionally. I don't know if it's making me more miserable because my husband isn't listening and I'm feeling walled up, or because I've met this other person who I care for and am curious about a future with if things didn't work out with my husband. He's someone who's wants closer mimic my own, more so than my husband's do currently and that terrifies me.
I just don't want that to influence how I handle my marriage. I want to work it out with my husband, but he's not changing. I keep talking with him about my feelings of withdrawal and walling up weekly, but he shrugs it off. I don't want to hurt him, but if he doesn't listen to the things that I feel are causing me to withdraw, then what can I do?
I'm lost and the guilt and feeling like a terrible person for allowing myself to get this caught up is killing me. We had 4 wonderful years of just an amazing marriage, but after he lashed out at me and attacked me emotionally, I haven't been able to shake it.....
My feelings for the other person aside, is it better to separate and give myself time to figure out what if it's worth it to keep feeling this way ...or should I just stick it out and continue with our marriage being like this?
