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So my husband and I have been married for 15 years - we are very open with our sex life and can get quite kinky. With that being said though, self-pleasure in his eyes is downright wrong and nasty... since day one I have expressed to him the fantasy of watching himself please, while I return the same favor.... while watching each other. He has turned it down saying that since we have each other, there is no need for self-pleasure. He works out of town sometimes and I have begged for some fun over video chat, but was turned down because that is just nasty and 'he doesn't do that'. He even made me feel guilty for wanting to please myself without him there. Self-pleasure as we all know is healthy and totally normal.

With that being said, I recently caught him, and am not sure if I should confront him. I don't want to confront him in a way he feels ashamed but I am more upset he has pretended for all these years, he does not do that, when in fact he does. Why is he hiding it? Why is he ashamed? What to do... HELP
 

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So my husband and I have been married for 15 years - we are very open with our sex life and can get quite kinky. With that being said though, self-pleasure in his eyes is downright wrong and nasty... since day one I have expressed to him the fantasy of watching himself please, while I return the same favor.... while watching each other. He has turned it down saying that since we have each other, there is no need for self-pleasure. He works out of town sometimes and I have begged for some fun over video chat, but was turned down because that is just nasty and 'he doesn't do that'. He even made me feel guilty for wanting to please myself without him there. Self-pleasure as we all know is healthy and totally normal.

With that being said, I recently caught him, and am not sure if I should confront him. I don't want to confront him in a way he feels ashamed but I am more upset he has pretended for all these years, he does not do that, when in fact he does. Why is he hiding it? Why is he ashamed? What to do... HELP
My first guess would be that it's linked to his childhood. If his parents shamed him for masturbating or had over-the-top religious views, that'd do it.
 

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Sounds like for whatever reason your husband feels masturbation is something to be ashamed of. Probably something from his childhood. Was he raised in a strict religious household? I think it is something your should discuss. Tell him you know he does it and he shouldn't be ashamed.
 

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It's the exact opposite at my house. My wife doesn't like masturbating in front of me (I'm not sure she likes it as a rule anyway, I've never caught her, though I can hope) I don't think it has anything to do with her childhood.

She likes to watch me masturbate for her and seems to get off on it. So, my strategy is to keep it up and who knows? I like doing that for her anyway so if she joins the party in time - great but I can go solo in the meantime.

Have you just started doing it in front of him and seeing where that takes things?
 

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My first guess would be that it's linked to his childhood. If his parents shamed him for masturbating or had over-the-top religious views, that'd do it.
Maybe but I do not think it is anything to do with at of than. I grew up on a farm and my dad used to have us go and help the hired bull to sex the cows. I had my own and my brothers and I used to put the ram with the females in an enclosure and watch them having sex. My dad's friend had donkeys and if you have ever seen donkeys having sex you will know that it is fascinating and frightening too. I knew all about the birds and the bees from childhood. my mum used to answer questions easily and effortlessly. My dad did not use same clear language as my mum but he answered questions and drew diagrams.

Yet I was a virgin till age 24 and when I married my grandmother had described oral sex to me and positions etc two years or so before yet it was 18 months or more into marriage before We varied from maybe three positions. The main factor was openness with each other and also deciding whose responsibility to do what. I thought everything was his responsibility and he had also been a virgin and was as informed as me or less as I had had some grand-parental and parental discussions on the matter.
Many items on the menu that we did not know we might like as we had not tried them.
 

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There was just another thread about this not long ago. Turn it around and tell him you think its hot that you caught him and want to do it together. Win win for both of you!
The thing is I have tried this. Not mentioning I know but told him it would turn me on to see him in action and I would even love to join in myself. But when I bring it up he's disgusted. He even accused me afterward that since I suggested it then that meant I was doing it alone and that made him angry.
 

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Sounds like for whatever reason your husband feels masturbation is something to be ashamed of. Probably something from his childhood. Was he raised in a strict religious household? I think it is something your should discuss. Tell him you know he does it and he shouldn't be ashamed.
Neither grew up in a strict or religious environment. So I do not know this is the case.
 

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I will be honest.... this is terrible of me but I KNOW only bc I installed a spy cam which is a huge invasion of privacy. So how do I even confront him about it without telling him this is how I know. Otherwise he will just deny it I feel
 

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Something many may not know, or maybe do but don't comprehend; when kids grow up on a working livestock farm it leads to healthy, well adjusted views on sexuality. This from personal growing up on a farm and associating with those that did, and many who didn't.

There is a definite difference in sexual views, and liberations from societal imposed guilt, etc.
 

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I will be honest.... this is terrible of me but I KNOW only bc I installed a spy cam which is a huge invasion of privacy. So how do I even confront him about it without telling him this is how I know. Otherwise he will just deny it I feel
You don't tell him under those circumstances. Ditch the camera that's gonna cause more problems than you want.
Next time you're intimate, give him a show and see what happens.
 

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I will be honest.... this is terrible of me but I KNOW only bc I installed a spy cam which is a huge invasion of privacy. So how do I even confront him about it without telling him this is how I know. Otherwise he will just deny it I feel
Did you install this camera to catch him jacking off? You’ve been married for over a decade and are videoing your husband without his permission? Is this in the bedroom? In some states you are committing an actual crime. I think you need more help than getting your husband to masturbate for you. I would also submit that people that have to “spy” on their spouses are not “happily married” as your user name suggests.
 

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Did you install this camera to catch him jacking off? You’ve been married for over a decade and are videoing your husband without his permission? Is this in the bedroom? In some states you are committing an actual crime. I think you need more help than getting your husband to masturbate for you. I would also submit that people that have to “spy” on their spouses are not “happily married” as your user name suggests.
LOL. Lets get one thing straight.... you dont know me so please dont place judgement. If you dont agree then why even reapond to the thread. I have no trust issues. My thing is Ive been begging for him to do this with me since first married and have been shut down and actually criticized due to me even wanting to watch or do together. I only wanted confirmation he does it to so I can try and adress us doing it together.
 

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Your husband obviously believes and reasonably enough so that masturbation is a private act. It was a terrible breach what you did. Just because you think you have the goods on him doesn't mean he is going to give in to your demands. You are just bullying him at this point. It sounds like you yourself have a fetish you need to deal with, and not by forcing it on other people.
 
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There is a movement afoot among the Red Pillers and MGTOW guys called "no fap", which extolls the benefits of semen retention. That doesn't have anything to do with this thread, but it is something that some men are practicing. I think it is interesting.
 

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LOL. Lets get one thing straight.... you dont know me so please dont place judgement. If you dont agree then why even reapond to the thread. I have no trust issues. My thing is Ive been begging for him to do this with me since first married and have been shut down and actually criticized due to me even wanting to watch or do together. I only wanted confirmation he does it to so I can try and adress us doing it together.
And to reply to that... I am not mad at it at all.... ita a huge turn on. But getting him to agree to letting me join is the issue. When your married as long as us, being HS sweethearts weve been through alot, have kids and a very healthy sex life. So there are no problems in our marriage. There was
Your husband obviously believes and reasonably enough so that masturbation is a private act. It was a terrible breach what you did. Just because you think you have the goods on him doesn't mean he is going to give in to your demands. You are just bullying him at this point. You should be ashamed of yourself. It sounds like you yourself have a fetish you need to deal with, and not by forcing it on other people.
Is it hard judging someone you know nothing about...? Because you are doing a good job at that. It is not like I left this camera up amd got off on watching it was for confirmation and I took it down
 

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And to reply to that... I am not mad at it at all.... ita a huge turn on. But getting him to agree to letting me join is the issue. When your married as long as us, being HS sweethearts weve been through alot, have kids and a very healthy sex life. So there are no problems in our marriage. There was

Is it hard judging someone you know nothing about...? Because you are doing a good job at that. It is not like I left this camera up amd got off on watching it was for confirmation and I took it down
Also, I am not trying to bully him into doing it I jist want him to know I am ok with it, its a healthy thing for anyone.
 

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And to reply to that... I am not mad at it at all.... ita a huge turn on. But getting him to agree to letting me join is the issue. When your married as long as us, being HS sweethearts weve been through alot, have kids and a very healthy sex life. So there are no problems in our marriage. There was

Is it hard judging someone you know nothing about...? Because you are doing a good job at that. It is not like I left this camera up amd got off on watching it was for confirmation and I took it down
it was a terrible breach of his privacy because you already knew he did not want to share that with you. You think your needs are more important than his at this point and that is sadly just not the case.

You came here for opinions and advice but now you're getting mad when it's not what you wanted to hear.
 
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