How long since D day?
Seething Anger - What is happening to me?
I'm in a furious state of mind. I am really close to wanting to throw this laptop at the wall - which assuredly would only cause more stress in my life. I just wrote about my anger and while trying to insert an angry face found my message deleted. The undo button wouldn't work. Just like my husband's mistakes. They can't be undone.
My story is somewhere on this website. Basically, I caught my wayward husband before things got physical. But the intent was there and he went to a strip club by himself (a few hours before joining me to celebrate our second anniversary at a hookah cafe in the evening). At the club he took a stripper's number down. He had already called an escort a few days earlier. I found out all of this on our anniversary.
I really want to break something right now. I'm trying to take deep breaths because I live in an apartment and I already had a neighbor downstairs ask what "we do" up in our apartment. I'm so embarrassed that I've become this person. I never through furniture across the room UNTIL now. I never through glass at the floor until now. I never insulted someone with swear words until now. That person being my husband. Someone who I respected dearly until now.
How do you get the anger out? How long will I be a seething monster? My husband has taken this innocent 23 year old that I was when I met him and turned me into this lifeless, jaded 26 year old piece of garbage. I'm either lifeless garbage or a fiery monster. I waver between one and the other. Both equally miserable.
He wants the marriage to get better. So do I. But how do you build something new when there is so much resentment? Old memories no matter how distant from his recent straying now seem polluted. I don't know. I need help.
Two questions here:
1. Does the anger keep getting worse and then subside, is there some general pattern I can expect, or does it all depend on the individual? Please share your emotional trajectory.
2. How can we create a new friendship, new marriage, and move past the resentment. I truly resent what he did so badly. I don't know how to move beyond my anger. It's truly a physical anger. I hate him and love him at the same time. I worry that my anger is pushing us farther apart. He is trying but it's not enough for me. My expectations are perhaps unreasonable as he is working 10 hour days seven days a week and being happy around me. But I'm a zombie. I don't embrace his warmth. My resentment bars me from feeling it as warmth.
Please help, someone please. I'm going crazy. I've lost the marriage I thought I had, beliefs I held about this world, and my own sense of self.
My story is somewhere on this website. Basically, I caught my wayward husband before things got physical. But the intent was there and he went to a strip club by himself (a few hours before joining me to celebrate our second anniversary at a hookah cafe in the evening). At the club he took a stripper's number down. He had already called an escort a few days earlier. I found out all of this on our anniversary.
I really want to break something right now. I'm trying to take deep breaths because I live in an apartment and I already had a neighbor downstairs ask what "we do" up in our apartment. I'm so embarrassed that I've become this person. I never through furniture across the room UNTIL now. I never through glass at the floor until now. I never insulted someone with swear words until now. That person being my husband. Someone who I respected dearly until now.
How do you get the anger out? How long will I be a seething monster? My husband has taken this innocent 23 year old that I was when I met him and turned me into this lifeless, jaded 26 year old piece of garbage. I'm either lifeless garbage or a fiery monster. I waver between one and the other. Both equally miserable.
He wants the marriage to get better. So do I. But how do you build something new when there is so much resentment? Old memories no matter how distant from his recent straying now seem polluted. I don't know. I need help.
Two questions here:
1. Does the anger keep getting worse and then subside, is there some general pattern I can expect, or does it all depend on the individual? Please share your emotional trajectory.
2. How can we create a new friendship, new marriage, and move past the resentment. I truly resent what he did so badly. I don't know how to move beyond my anger. It's truly a physical anger. I hate him and love him at the same time. I worry that my anger is pushing us farther apart. He is trying but it's not enough for me. My expectations are perhaps unreasonable as he is working 10 hour days seven days a week and being happy around me. But I'm a zombie. I don't embrace his warmth. My resentment bars me from feeling it as warmth.
Please help, someone please. I'm going crazy. I've lost the marriage I thought I had, beliefs I held about this world, and my own sense of self.
