[totallyunexpected]

I'm in a furious state of mind. I am really close to wanting to throw this laptop at the wall - which assuredly would only cause more stress in my life. I just wrote about my anger and while trying to insert an angry face found my message deleted. The undo button wouldn't work. Just like my husband's mistakes. They can't be undone.

My story is somewhere on this website. Basically, I caught my wayward husband before things got physical. But the intent was there and he went to a strip club by himself (a few hours before joining me to celebrate our second anniversary at a hookah cafe in the evening). At the club he took a stripper's number down. He had already called an escort a few days earlier. I found out all of this on our anniversary.

I really want to break something right now. I'm trying to take deep breaths because I live in an apartment and I already had a neighbor downstairs ask what "we do" up in our apartment. I'm so embarrassed that I've become this person. I never through furniture across the room UNTIL now. I never through glass at the floor until now. I never insulted someone with swear words until now. That person being my husband. Someone who I respected dearly until now.

How do you get the anger out? How long will I be a seething monster? My husband has taken this innocent 23 year old that I was when I met him and turned me into this lifeless, jaded 26 year old piece of garbage. I'm either lifeless garbage or a fiery monster. I waver between one and the other. Both equally miserable.

He wants the marriage to get better. So do I. But how do you build something new when there is so much resentment? Old memories no matter how distant from his recent straying now seem polluted. I don't know. I need help.

Two questions here:

1. Does the anger keep getting worse and then subside, is there some general pattern I can expect, or does it all depend on the individual? Please share your emotional trajectory.
2. How can we create a new friendship, new marriage, and move past the resentment. I truly resent what he did so badly. I don't know how to move beyond my anger. It's truly a physical anger. I hate him and love him at the same time. I worry that my anger is pushing us farther apart. He is trying but it's not enough for me. My expectations are perhaps unreasonable as he is working 10 hour days seven days a week and being happy around me. But I'm a zombie. I don't embrace his warmth. My resentment bars me from feeling it as warmth.

Please help, someone please. I'm going crazy. I've lost the marriage I thought I had, beliefs I held about this world, and my own sense of self.

 

[Hope1964]

How long since D day?

 

[totallyunexpected]

It's been two weeks.

 

[Calibre12]

Believe it or not...You get up, put on some running shoes and go jogging for an hour. Also, take 10 very deep breaths - in through the nose and out through the mouth - when you begin to feel angry; scream in a pillow; write out your thoughts in a journal; get therapy.

 

[TDSC60]

Anger stage. Perfectly normal. Nothing wrong with you. It will start to subside gradually, but be prepared for flare ups when you trigger.

IC may be a good idea since they can guide you though the stages of emotions you can expect. Sounds like you are dealing with Post Traumatic Stress (shock of what has happened) and Grief (the loss of something dear to you) at the same time.

But I am not a therapist, counselor, or Doctor. You both need some professional help to get through this.

 

[EleGirl]

How long has it been since you found out?

I was like you are now for at least 6 months.

I went to work everyday and just sat at my computer and did next to nothing. I could not function at all. And there was no one to reach out to or talk to.

It was about a year before the rollercoaster was not my normal way of being.

It takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair. What you are going through is normal unfortunately.

Have you considered seeing a doctor? You might need to get on anti-depressants to bring you down some.

What is your husband doing besides being nice when he’s around you? Why is he working 7 days a week, 10 hours a day? Is this really necessary? Does his being gone that much add to your bad mental state?

 

[Hope1964]

Only two weeks? Hell I was still throwing crap around after a month.

Yes it goes away. It takes a long time though. Rather than destroying stuff you need to find a better outlet for it though. Exercise works for some people. Didn't work for me. I have to rip or burn something usually, so I would write down all my angry thoughts, just free flow them, and rip them up and burn them in the fireplace. Once I was past that stage I could usually calm down by envisioning a giant eraser that erased them all.

 

[CantePe]

I dont know what to tell you. Only wanted to add my support. I am nearly three yrs out from being betrayed and still have moments of seething rage and resentment.

It's not every day like the beginning, it takes time ... keep posting, keep venting, see your doctor and maybe IC and MC.

 

[totallyunexpected]

Thank you all. Yesterday, I went for a run with my dog to get out some pent up anger. We live near a park with endless trails and we are relatively new here, so we got lost and of course very very tired. Even after an hour of running (for someone who does not exercise much) I still had the rage within me in the evening. And I blew up at him. While he was being nice - all though giving more attention to the dog. Sometimes I am jealous of the love he shows our dog. Sometimes I am so thankful we have a dog between us because I don't know how I could go to sleep in the same bed otherwise.

Those of you in R who have now-wonderful-once-was-wayward partners... how does your WS treat you when you act emotionally, furiously, and irrationally (and slur mean words at them)?

 

[Hope1964]

Those of you in R who have now-wonderful-once-was-wayward partners... how does your WS treat you when you act emotionally, furiously, and irrationally (and slur mean words at them)?

I do NOT slur mean words at him. I freaked out at him, threw stuff, got drunk and kicked him out the day I found out. I sent him a scathing email two days later outlining exactly what he was going to do, and spent maybe a couple more days lashing out at him. After that we hardly spoke for three months. When I decided to R, I stopped with the lashing out. In the over two years since then I have only had one blow up at him about his cheating, and that was in a counseling session. R will never work unless the BS deals with their anger some other way. When I ask about what he did now, it is very gentle and non accusatory.

When I am emotional, he apologizes over and over, asks how he can help, rubs my back or arm, answers everything, agrees to do whatever I need and does it.

 

[Thorburn]

Nov. 29 2012 -D-day.

I was angry for months, let it overtake me and I became the bad guy with verbal and mental abuse. But, my WS kept lying to me. The pattern became, she lied (she says she knew I would get mad if she told me the truth), I got mad when I caught her is a lie and it kept recyling. I told her that she has no idea how I would react since everytime I have gotten angry was because I caught her in another lie. And the lies were not always about the A.

I got my anger under much better control but I am still angry and in fact spent four nights on the couch last week because I was so mad that I just did not want to sleep in the same bed. Last week was D-day a year ago and I just triggered. I did not bring up the A and my wife has not asked me what is wrong. We slept together last night.

It gets better but you are still to early in it. I do not see anything wrong with anger unless you let it control you and let it get out of control like I allowed it.

 

[Calibre12]

Having been a BS, the greatest anger I found, came from my going against my core value that once a marriage has been breeched with any form of adultery, there is NO second chance. The A caused me to evaluate every part of my existence because it challenged my core value system. I found that when I am doing something like reconciling with a "man 'ho", it is infuriating as much as being forced to see a piece of crap as an ice cream cone...It will not go away until you reconcile with your value system and choose life rather than settle for a settler. BUT because every marriage seems to go through some form of adultery (& I mean EVERY), I wait because I need to be sure that my expectations are not too high or it is just plain unrealistic to believe that adultery is not a 'rite of passage' for every marriage that either makes it or breaks it. IOW, if I divorce and eventually marry another, what are the odds that the same poop will not happen? What you are experiencing is a redefining of what you can live with and what you can live without.

 

[Tony55]

Sometimes I am jealous of the love he shows our dog.

Wow, my wife actually said that to me once, I never thought I'd read someone else saying it.

TU, what you're dealing with right now is the process of coming to terms with having something you had faith in abruptly snatched away from you, it's unnerving, it makes you question everything you thought about your life, it's a terrible feeling.

You're probably not going to be able to make clear decisions about your marriage for the next two months. The main decision right now is, do you stay under the same roof, while I get my head straight, or do you do it somewhere else.

Don't put a lot of faith into any of your decisions right now, put yourself in a holding pattern until you're thinking clearly. Right now just work on getting through life, day to day.

T

 

[Count of Monte Cristo]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It is a pain that no one should endure. TDSC60 is correct - you are in the anger stage. You can't see it now because of the hurt but things will get better. Acknowledge the anger but don't let it get the best of you.

Interestingly, today is the one year anniversary of my dday and I'm feeling some of the hurt and anger that I experienced that fateful day. I didn't even realize why I was feeling this way until I looked at the calendar.

Take things one day at a time. Good luck.

 

[MattMatt]

I do not recall getting angry. I was very, very upset*
with my wife, it was like there was a giant ball in my chest and stomach.

Maybe it would have been easier if I had felt angry? We did reconcile but it was protracted and messy.

 

[totallyunexpected]

It's not always anger. But for some reason I'm feeling a lot of that lately. At first it was just PAIN. This horrible horrible pain. Now I am ANGRY. I feel like I'm living with a thief who stole my marriage, my optimism, my innocence, and my self-esteem.

 

[Hope1964]

Anger is a normal stage of what you're going through.

How much reading up have you done about what to expect? Have you read the newbie link here? (linked in my sig) Unfortunately, what happens when someone is cheated on is well documented, and knowing what to expect can help tremendously.

 

[underwater2010]

The anger is normal. I sent my FWH a link on what to expect after reading it myself. I have lashed out only a handleful of times. The worst came out about two weeks ago. I was informed by the MOW and her BH that they had intercourse once. When I called him and said something he denied it multiple times and then said something about me. I let him have it will all my anger. He came home and held me saying he was sorry. He still denies the sexual intercourse.

 

[Calibre12]

Google "Stages of Grief"

 

[totallyunexpected]

I'm happy to share a small high in all of this. So, my WH knows that I am uber-stressed given our fallout AND being final season (first year as a Masters student).

He has to leave for work at 5:40 AM, and I needed to wake up at the same time to get my work done - which I could not do the night before (mind consumed with betrayal and the effects of it). I told him he had to make sure I was awake and up before he left for work (because otherwise I will go back to sleep).

So at 5:20 am ...

He woke me up by giving me a morning massage! :smthumbup: It was LOVELY. He told me he loved me. It was a very good way to wake up. Right now I feel so much love in my heart for what he did for me in this time of need. I don't think I'd have the strength to do my work today otherwise.

Just thought I'd share the positive moments as well as the miserable ones.