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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It seems wrong that committing adultery is now legal, when so many other marriage binding laws exist. Why is adultery not looked down on, from the legal system? But is it tho??
I ask, because I was happily married, so I thought, until finding out that my wife has been unfaithful. Now I'll lose everything I worked so hard for, including a little piece of my soul.
Don't know where to start, stop, it feels like every step forward just goes to the left. I don't know if more men cheat then women, and so on...all I know is that I've been cheated on, betrayed, the ultimate sin has been casted against me. I'm guilty of working too much I think. Maybe I could have been more affectionate...someone please tell me. Please tell me why this has happened to me. I question marriage as a faithful bond in matrimony, and everything that God has to do with being bonded.
At this point, I'm dwelling in, and back and forth in feelings of sadness, quickly becoming anger. To the point where I'm looking up laws about adultery, and even Googled to see if I can put together a law suit against the SOB that had his way with my beautiful wife...Whom I still see as beautiful. I'm F&*$% up right now.
 

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The man is not part of your marriage, however your wife is. She made a choice. Your anger is misdirected.

Edit: Your angry at the man as a natural protection mechanism in your mind. If you can make yourself blame the other man then you don’t have to face the fact that your wife did in fact chose to fuk another man.
 

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1. Your situation sucks, I’m sorry you’re here. I can only imagine the level of devastation you’re feeling from a full blown betrayal.
2. The other man is not the problem, your wife is the problem. She betrayed you, not the OM.
3. If you’re struggling with the the “unfairness” of your situation, you need to do some work on yourself.
Life is unfair, the universe is unfair, relationships are unfair, your marriage is unfair, and you already know that.
The only thing within your control is what are you going to do about it and how are you going to operate to maximize your outcomes in an imperfect, unfair world.

So take a brief pity party, and then get your **** together, formulate a plan and start taking aggressive action in your own best interests.
 

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It seems wrong that committing adultery is now legal, when so many other marriage binding laws exist. Why is adultery not looked down on, from the legal system? But is it tho??
I ask, because I was happily married, so I thought, until finding out that my wife has been unfaithful. Now I'll lose everything I worked so hard for, including a little piece of my soul.
Don't know where to start, stop, it feels like every step forward just goes to the left. I don't know if more men cheat then women, and so on...all I know is that I've been cheated on, betrayed, the ultimate sin has been casted against me. I'm guilty of working too much I think. Maybe I could have been more affectionate...someone please tell me. Please tell me why this has happened to me. I question marriage as a faithful bond in matrimony, and everything that God has to do with being bonded.
At this point, I'm dwelling in, and back and forth in feelings of sadness, quickly becoming anger. To the point where I'm looking up laws about adultery, and even Googled to see if I can put together a law suit against the SOB that had his way with my beautiful wife...Whom I still see as beautiful. I'm F&*$% up right now.
@CursiveWritingOnTheWall You're in good company here. Most of us have been exactly where you are. Feel free to vent, shout, complain, whatever. It helps to write things out, at least for some.

How long were you married?
Do you have kids?
Are you in the divorce process now?
 

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It seems wrong that committing adultery is now legal, when so many other marriage binding laws exist. Why is adultery not looked down on, from the qlegal system? But is it tho??
I ask, because I was happily married, so I thought, until finding out that my wife has been unfaithful. Now I'll lose everything I worked so hard for, including a little piece of my soul.
Don't know where to start, stop, it feels like every step forward just goes to the left. I don't know if more men cheat then women, and so on...all I know is that I've been cheated on, betrayed, the ultimate sin has been casted against me. I'm guilty of working too much I think. Maybe I could have been more affectionate...someone please tell me. Please tell me why this has happened to me. I question marriage as a faithful bond in matrimony, and everything that God has to do with being bonded.
At this point, I'm dwelling in, and back and forth in feelings of sadness, quickly becoming anger. To the point where I'm looking up laws about adultery, and even Googled to see if I can put together a law suit against the SOB that had his way with my beautiful wife...Whom I still see as beautiful. I'm F&*$% up right now.
NWO is up to destroy families, so of course lobbying to create laws that fvck up families, make the families unstable by breaking the father or the mother, protect whoever destroy marriages are in their interest. The same laws aproved in many different countries, the judges deciding similarly in the same countries, when you start researching some of those judges you find pictures of the in conferences of soros foundations, for example, you see the twitters they follow too. So the problem is both legislative and judiciary (and in the US now its even the high executive). Not to mention propaganda in tv, music, even some "churches" encouragement for dubious actions. Im sorry, OP. Its a very unfair battle.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Yes, 2 kids, a boy and a girl. Married 12 years.
Ya know, it's exactly what you're saying also...im on a pity pot...I know this. It's not so much of the feeling of "what ever shall I do" but a feeling of "what the hell did I do wrong"
I'm angry, I'm the most emotional I've ever been. I'm a manly man, and I'm witnessing a side to myself that I've never seen before. Then of course there is the "what am I going to do, at age 44?" I can't keep lying to you all and say that I don't feel that way. I'm a space brain right now, I loved her, I still love her, I loved the idea of us, and our family.
It hurts soooo damn bad knowing and thinking that she loves another man, or maybe it's lust, and that hurts just as bad.
I run these images through my head over and over like little movies of the two of them, and how they may have done certain positions in their moments, and then I wonder how long he lasted for, and what the expressions were on her face...honestly I don't know if talking about this helps.
I've never been an addict of any sort, but the temptation of an escape crosses my mind often lately.
I've left the house, knowing that the 3 of them need it more then I do, but also angry about this too. It's hard for me to be there at all now anyways, from what went on there while I was away working.
 

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Yes, 2 kids, a boy and a girl. Married 12 years.
Ya know, it's exactly what you're saying also...im on a pity pot...I know this. It's not so much of the feeling of "what ever shall I do" but a feeling of "what the hell did I do wrong"
I'm angry, I'm the most emotional I've ever been. I'm a manly man, and I'm witnessing a side to myself that I've never seen before. Then of course there is the "what am I going to do, at age 44?" I can't keep lying to you all and say that I don't feel that way. I'm a space brain right now, I loved her, I still love her, I loved the idea of us, and our family.
It hurts soooo damn bad knowing and thinking that she loves another man, or maybe it's lust, and that hurts just as bad.
I run these images through my head over and over like little movies of the two of them, and how they may have done certain positions in their moments, and then I wonder how long he lasted for, and what the expressions were on her face...honestly I don't know if talking about this helps.
I've never been an addict of any sort, but the temptation of an escape crosses my mind often lately.
I've left the house, knowing that the 3 of them need it more then I do, but also angry about this too. It's hard for me to be there at all now anyways, from what went on there while I was away working.
Couple of things...

First, cheating is choice that broken people make. You didn't have to do ANYTHING wrong and she would still make that choice. Problems inside the marriage can be shared and fixed inside the marriage. But once she stepped outside...that changes everything. And it was her choice to do that. Why did she make that choice? because she wanted too. That's all you need to know. She wanted to do it, so she did. You had no part of that.

Second thing... is your lawyer up to speed on you leaving the house? That's normally a no no or you will be accused of abandonment. Better check that, you don't want more pain to come from this.
 

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Make sure you stay with the kids in that house, you don't want to leave the house as beyondrepair007 already stated. A few things:

1. I know it sucks, been there, but you must take your time and remain civil. You dont have to do anything yet.

2. Speak with an attorney for advice. Know what your options are.

3. Seek professional therapy. What you're going through is traumatic, you need help. Lean on family members/friends for support.

4. Dont worry about what you may or may not have done. Its not important right now.

5. Don't fight for her, she did this to you. Protect yourself - carry a var or phone with you so interactions can be recorded just in case. Also get tested for std's.

just a few things to think about, more ideas from other posters will be on the way.

Oh and lastly, have you confronted her?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
But why?? She made this choice, but why? Was I not good enough? The feel like I've failed in every aspect of a man.
This is what I don't get here...what the hell does this guy have that I don't? I can guarantee that he's no more well endowed then I am. He seems smart and funny, and witty, but I am also. I try at everything I accomplish, including being a dad, and not just a father. I could have sworn I was a good husband, and a good lay for that matter...so what, what is it? Did she just want sex? From someone else? Is she in love with him?
Yes she was the one who did it, and she made the choice. He played the game also, knowingly ruining my family. They both knew...I hate this. These words are coming from someone else, I don't feel like me. I don't know if I'll ever be me.
Time heals wounds right?? I need a fast forward button, or Adam Sandlers remote control
 

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I realize you want answers — everyone who’s cheated on does — but you are never going to know why. That’s part of what makes it so difficult to reconcile (for those who try). My exH cheated because he wanted to. Same goes for your wife. Definitely not fair but it’s reality so start rebuilding your life. That’s something you control.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I found them in the act, wasn't a need to confront anyone. I got home early from work, went to walk the outside trash can to the back gate, and to the alley way dumpster, and there was a truck parked behind my house. Didn't think anything of it at first, but then noticed that all the curtains were drawn and blinds were shut tight. I opened my back door expecting to see her napping on our couch, or maybe showering. I heard them, her moaning like it was her first time, the sound of skin slapping, and MY BED creeking...my heart sank, and it hasn't stopped yet. I lost my S*** and ran in to the bedroom, he had her bent over, both completely naked. I put him in choke hold, and brought him down on top of me. I wanted to kill him. In my mind I was waiting for her to exclaim rape or something. Instead she started to yell at me, hitting me saying over and over to let him go because I was hurting him...I looked at her and my eyes felt like they sunk down with my heart, and my body slowly just let him go. I laid there for about 2 minutes, while they both quickly ran to the living room. I heard the back door shut, and her walking back to the bedroom. She came in and said "Well now you know, I'm sorry"
 

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Was I not good enough?
Yes, you were. SHE isn't good enough for you.
The feel like I've failed in every aspect of a man.
No. She is the failure, not you.
what the hell does this guy have that I don't?
Nothing. He IS nothing. He's a dog in heat, just like her, and you're better than all of this.

I'm so sorry. This is so wrong and you don't deserve any of this. Please do get tested for STDs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I haven't spoken with an attorney yet, I've been working a lot until now, realizing that it's Friday, and I get to be all by myself, thinking to myself. She offered to take the kids and go to her mom's while I grab some things at the house over the weekend.
It smells different, looks different, feels broken and empty. These things that I keep gathering up, just seem like meaningless items. They used to mean something to her too. How could these things that belong to me, these personal items, that represented me, and us...not mean anything anymore? I'm sure they still do to my children. I'll keep them for that reason.
I have a consultation on Monday with a family law attorney. It feels wrong.
 

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To the point where I'm looking up laws about adultery, and even Googled to see if I can put together a law suit against the SOB that had his way with my beautiful wife...Whom I still see as beautiful.
The courts are already overwhelmed. Gone are the days of having grounds for divorce such as adultery. Basically, the courts just go with irreconcilable differences. Some states only have the prerequisite of living apart for a specified period, and then the decree is granted.

You may still see your wife as "beautiful" but I'd suggest you look at the inner woman, who's looking pretty damn ugly from where I'm sitting. The chances of you erasing from your mind's eye what you saw is impossible. Frankly, no matter how you feel about your wife, I'd suggest you retain a good divorce lawyer. I'm all for forgiving and trying to repair a marriage. In your case, it's sounds waaaayyyyyyy beyond repair. Sorry.
 

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But why?? She made this choice, but why? Was I not good enough? The feel like I've failed in every aspect of a man.
This is what I don't get here...what the hell does this guy have that I don't? I can guarantee that he's no more well endowed then I am. He seems smart and funny, and witty, but I am also. I try at everything I accomplish, including being a dad, and not just a father. I could have sworn I was a good husband, and a good lay for that matter...so what, what is it? Did she just want sex? From someone else? Is she in love with him?
Yes she was the one who did it, and she made the choice. He played the game also, knowingly ruining my family. They both knew...I hate this. These words are coming from someone else, I don't feel like me. I don't know if I'll ever be me.
Time heals wounds right?? I need a fast forward button, or Adam Sandlers remote control
@CursiveWritingOnTheWall ,

There is no good answer to "Why" because no matter what the reason, it's never going to be the sort of reason that will make you think, "Oh, yeah. Good point. That is a good reason." That's because there IS no good reason to behaving poorly. She made very poor choices--that's the god's honest truth.

Also, it quite a myth that people "affair up" although it is a really strong myth in our society. People don't usually leave "a good husband" to go be with "a great husband" -- or leave a guy who's "good in bed" for a guy who's "great in bed" -- or leave a "good, steady provider" for a "rich man". No, usually there is a character flaw within the unfaithful partner and they feel bad about themselves compared to the spouse. It could be something like "He gets all the fun of exotic business travel while I'm stuck home here with the kids, and I shouldn't resent my own children" or "He doesn't pay any attention to me anymore and I think I'm getting old and unattractive." Can you hear how the unfaithful person feels bad about themselves? So they look for a partner--usually they "affair down". And they do that because the affair partner (AP) makes THEM feel 'better than' -- like the lady who wants the attention will "affair down" to a guy who's a man-***** and get his attention while she plays with him. She feels 'better than' him because at least she's not cheap and he's CLEARLY not as good a man as her spouse had been, but she feels like she is better than him. Same idea for the lady who didn't want to resent her kids for a business traveler--she'll "affair down" to a guy who can't hold a job, so he's always around to help out with the kids but she has to work her tail off to support the whole family by herself now. She feels 'better than' him because at least she's working and she doesn't resent her kids! But he's CLEARLY not as good a man as her spouse had been.

So when you contemplate "Why?" bear this in mind. She didn't trade you in for a newer, better model. There's not some fatal flaw in you that made your marriage explode. Rather, she likely traded in a nice, shiny model (you) for an old, POS off the junkyard floor model (AP), because when she compares herself to the trash-heap "she looks good". It's a flaw within HER.
 

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Thank you all so much...you weren't kidding about there being good help here...I actually got a glimps of a normal feeling for a quick second.
The attorney situation and STD topic have rather gave me a whole different ****ty feeling lol
The rollercoaster days are ahead for you, just hang on and ride them out. There's no shortcut to getting through this. But you'll get there.

Get that attorney ASAP or you will be worse off than you are already.
 
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