[MarkInChicago]

Nearly 3 weeks ago, my wife gave me my emotional heart attck where she ended up coming out to say she isn't sure if she wants to be married to me/anyone at all. Since then things have been cool and silent (most of the time). We've started MC and she will start 1-on-1 therapy to try and figure out why she has so much resentment and anger of which she can't even say what it is.

I started reading the posts on this forum and see the entire world appears to be sinking in marital woes. Many have it worse than me.

If my wife has decided that she no longer is in love with me and in the end no longer wants to try then fine. I've done my best for 30 years and everyone will see I tried to be a better husband and she refused to deal with things that happened over the last 20 years.

We had 30 good years (so I feel) together, 2 great kids and warm memories. Reading all the war stories here has made me feel I should quit with self pity, be patient a while longer and see what she decides to do. If its over, its over, but at least I didn't quit her.

 

[anotherguy]

yeah - this place has a high percentage of people with problems (that is sort of what it is for) - so you need to keep that in mind before believing that this is anything like 'representative sample' of the married population.

This is, in fact, like going to the hospital to 'find out' how to get well by studying sick people. Some do get better - and have serious advice. Some are chronic and see sickness, or the threat of sickness everywhere. Some have been in relationships (good and bad) for a long time and may have some perspective on some things. Mostly it can be a sounding board and a place to get ideas and feedback and more.

2 things strike me about your post. First that you seem to have been blindsided after 30 years, and 2nd that you 'tried to be a better husband'... so I am guessing that there is more to the story here than meets the eye?

If you are (both?) in counselling - at least there is a hope that all is not lost.

 

[CanadianGuy]

Welcome MiC. Yes definitely stop the self pity it is self destructive. I read your other post but had nothing to add as some of the other posters covered it well. Difficult times ahead for you perhaps. We can do nothing to stop the winds of change but can direct our sails to our own destination. Whats yours?

 

[MarkInChicago]

Everyone tells me to be patient and hopeful. Even my wife said "Why do you always imagine the worst?". I know there is no infidelity so maybe I just have to be supportive and patient.

My daughter and I were on the outs back when she was a tween. Now we're great and close friends. Thanks for all your replies...at least it doesn't feel so alone here.

 

[anchorwatch]

Definitely quit the self pity. If you just wallow in you own 5hit, all you'll get is her and everybody else looking at how weak you are and concluding you gave up.

anotherguy is right this is a place where one tends to come when things go wrong. Some have learned to correct their course and some have learned that moving on is not the end of life.

I married 37 years ago. I'm a believer that things don't happen over night. There must be a point before her revelation that you thought things might not be the same? Could it be that your head was in the sand and you just paid no attention to how she viewed the marriage? Are you empty nesters?

 

[CanadianGuy]

I would submit you imagine the worst due to your self pity.

The low self esteem engine...." I don't deserve to, I don't deserve to"

Be patient yes, support yourself. Work on your own behaviors that created this.

 

[Deejo]

Endure.

Cope.

Overcome.

Take care of yourself. Start thinking about conducting your life with your wife as part of it.

A degree of self-pity and plenty of sadness and pain is to be expected. Feel it, and then let it go. If 'sad' is where you find yourself all of the time ... go get help. Don't wallow in that emotional quagmire.

Own your sh!t. Take responsibility for what is yours ... but ... do not take or apologize for, what isn't.
If she wasn't directly and explicitly telling you what contributed to her resentment ... that's on her, not you.

Go to the gym. Get physical. Move. Do something, anything other than sit around and ruminate or speculate about a future with or without your wife.

Is it a tragedy? Yes.

Is it the end? Not by a long-shot.

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

Everyone tells me to be patient and hopeful. Even my wife said "Why do you always imagine the worst?". I know there is no infidelity so maybe I just have to be supportive and patient.
/QUOTE]

A lot of today's women value independence over relationship. If she wants to throw out three decades of relationship, grow old without a partner and have her friends drive her to the doctor instead of you, the most respectful thing you can do is let go.

If and when she leaves, someone else will come to take her place. While you are patiently supporting her, make sure you are the best person you can be, for her or for whoever comes next. Buy a copy of "The Love Dare", read it and do what it says in between your trips to the gym

 

[F-102]

Time to dust off one of my old chestnuts:

One day, some years later, she will be at work or with friends, and she will hear some woman talk about the wonderful husband/fiancee she has.

She will go home, close the door behind her and wistfully remember that she had a wonderful husband once.

And only the walls and her 50 smelly cats will hear her.

 

[Dollystanford]

the one thing I've learned from this whole sorry episode is that you can't force someone to feel something they don't, you can't make them feel what you want them to feel

you can only have an effect on your own emotions and actions so that's what you have to focus on

I spent three weeks boohooing about it, trying to get him to work it out, giving him all the control, then I pulled myself together, saw a lawyer and set to work divorcing his ass

six months later he's miserable as sin and I'm a whole new woman. Because I realised that if someone doesn't want me then I sure as hell don't want them. I'm no-one's second best or plan b or 'the one they settled for' - not now, not ever

I realise 30 years is a hell of a lot longer than 13 years but the principle is the same. In the words of George Michael - CHOOSE LIFE!

 

[Machiavelli]

If my wife has decided that she no longer is in love with me and in the end no longer wants to try then fine. I've done my best for 30 years and everyone will see I tried to be a better husband and she refused to deal with things that happened over the last 20 years.

We had 30 good years (so I feel) together, 2 great kids and warm memories. Reading all the war stories here has made me feel I should quit with self pity, be patient a while longer and see what she decides to do. If its over, its over, but at least I didn't quit her.

Quit waiting on her to decide anything. If you want to fix it with her, you've got to get rid of the other guy(s) from facebook and the hotel weekends first. See your thread on the Ladies' side.

 

[Caribbean Man]

If my wife has decided that she no longer is in love with me and in the end no longer wants to try then fine. I've done my best for 30 years and everyone will see I tried to be a better husband and she refused to deal with things that happened over the last 20 years.
.

Sorry you had to face this at this point in your life but,
I really do admire your disposition in this matter.

Here are a few words of encouragement:

"...Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit...."

Desiderata.

 

[frozen]

At the risk of being redundant as others may have pointed you to it, pick up 2 works by Michelle Langley, Women's Infidelity 1 and 2. Her works are what provided my wife and I true understanding behind her disconnection in our relationship of 19 years. The knowledge itself did in one instant what one year of intense MC could not. Namely, provide the basis of true forgiveness by wiping away all of the misconceptions about who we are presently. Your wife probably feels that she has changed so much and you are not in touch with get at all. One of the truths I learned is that we were both failures in understanding and valuing our own needs but this was not our fault. We were victims of a lifetime of disinformation and believed we were doing the right thing.

Good Luck!

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

provide the basis of true forgiveness by wiping away all of the misconceptions about who we are presently.

Sounds like quite a book!

 

[frozen]

Sounds like quite a book!

In is! People have all sorts of expectations from their spouse that are neither realistic or fair. Men are hardwired to keep trying, though, even when they have no idea why their wives aren't satisfied.

 

[Machiavelli]

Sounds like quite a book!

It's very useful. Especially when combined with MMSL, Roissy, & Co.

 

[frozen]

It's very useful. Especially when combined with MMSL, Roissy, & Co.

MMSL going to be required reading for my three sons once they are old enough to understand it.