[martybacktothefuture1955]

Good Morning:

First let me say what a wonderful website this has been for me, I have researched alot of information online to try to find what I am feeling and so far talk about marriage has seemed to bring me the closest answers but still have yet to find anything that has given me assistance, so figured I would join see if I can get some opinions. Awesome website though :smthumbup:

My Background
I am a male in my early thirties and divorced with no children from a few years back. My divorce was brought on by my ex and was a complete surprise, basically she went out one day did not return home until very very late and the next day she confessed she was off with another man and that she wanted a divorce. I went through many months of crying however I picked myself up and moved on with my life. FYI I was 100% faithful no cheating.

My Relationship

After my divorce was over I dated a few women however did not find anyone that I clicked with until I met my current girlfriend. She is in her mid 20s, has a great career, and is a wonderful woman and treats me fantastic, and I do feel I love her. We have been dating 1.5 years so far. She has met my family and I have met hers and our relationship is very laid back. We are not intimate because of her beliefs and truthfully that does not bother me one bit, it was nice to feel no pressure to do that actually.

My Questions

1. The first few months of me dating my current GF I felt a bit nervous and I guess anxiety from being in a serious relationship again since the divorce. The anxiety left me for a long time but two months ago it started creeping back in, my guess is because the relationship is maybe reaching a point where I might need to propose marriage. She has not been pressuring me, but lately little hints I can tell have been dropped. To get to the point of this question is...Do other divorced men (or women) feel "awkward" about getting married again? I tried to go engagement ring shopping a few weeks ago and when I got home I felt like my stomach was in knots.

2. After my divorce I wanted to try the "just friends and fun" type of relationship with women. I went with one woman and we were getting down to business at her house and in the middle of it all I freaked out and left. When I got home I felt sick, disgusted, and worried about that I might have an STD after the encounter. (Even though she said she was clean and we talked for months and I was going to use a condom). This happened to me during my early 20s while I was in college trying to met women for "friends and fun" and same thing happened to me then I would freakout and leave. To get to the point of this question....Growing up I never had "casual fun" and after my divorce I wanted to experience that but I think maybe I was not made to do that in my life because of the guilt I feel afterwards. So if I get married again, could I grow to regret not having those experiences? Or do I just have lots of "fantasies" about casual fun, but it might not be something I should pursue lol due to my anxiety lol. (Note during my first marriage I never really though of trying to get "casual fun")

3. As stated before I have some anxiety about things, I like to plan and the future of a second marriage makes me nervous a bit. I worry about "What if I lose my home in another divorce" "What if I have a child and it has down syndrome or autism" "What if we divorce and she takes my pension?" "What if after our wedding I think what have I done, this is not what I really wanted?" I have researched the pros and cons of marriage a second time and I due desire a partner and children one day however that desire feels much different then when I got engaged the first time (married ex in mid 20s) and got married. It is like I feel stuck in limbo and unable to decide what I want to do. Why am I scared of commitment now? When before my divorce that was never an issue? In fact sometimes I feel like I could go through life childless and just date the rest of my life, instead of taking the "marriage risk", while other times I know if I married my GF life would be wonderful.

4. Her family is very conservative and religious and I grew up much like her in the same way..However the thought of standing at the alter and saying wedding vows again and making promises scares me. Plus knowing that her family is so traditional makes me worry again about "What happens if I let them down" They all think the world of me FYI. Is this due to old issues from my previous relationship I have not settled yet deep down within me? Or is this just overthinking and over worrying?

5. Finally I feel that alot of people in my family and her family want me to marry her. I even made a list before I started dating of what kind of woman I wanted to marry and my GF meets all those criterias it is like God brought me the woman I was suppose to be with. Yet, something inside of me keeps me from taking the plunge. I know life is about risks and living in fear is not good. However it is like everyone wants me to get married again but me. I do not want to marry just to make everyone else happy when maybe I will not be happy with the choice, but at the same time I do not want to lose my GF and regret not choosing to marry someone I feel was brought to me by a higher power. So my question is should I just "take a leap of faith" and ask her, or stand my ground till I feel ready?

Thank you for all who took time to read this. I hope I can get some assistance. Over the last few weeks I have noticed that it is like I became a commitment phobic when during my courting of my GF and before I was married to my ex I never was. Also it seems I have put up "Walls in my Heart" to avoid getting hurt again maybe that is why I am scared of a second marriage, even though I have prayed and forgave my ex wife years ago.

Thanks for the feedback, have a fantastic day to you all!

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

You need to get into counseling to sort out a few issues.

1. Your take on sex disturbs me. You wanted to have casual sex BEFORE your wife, but couldn't (religious-induced guilt). You had an okay (a good?) sex life with your wife? You wanted to have casual sex AFTER your divorce, but couldn't (religious-induced guilt). You seem RELIEVED that your current gf does NOT want to have sex. I'm trying NOT to project my own judgements/feelings on you so I'll simply state that you seem VERY conflicted on the subject of sex.

2. Why EXACTLY did your wife cheat on you? Did she say? Was it for the sex, was she bored, did she feel you two did not communicate? or had nothing in common? Any light you can shed (to us OR to a therapist) about *WHY* your ex-w cheated on you would help.

3. Your reluctance to commit to marriage again is NATURAL and NORMAL. Doesn't mean you don't need to do some work on yourself with regard to trust and breaking down walls. Do not let the CHRISTMAS/NEW YEAR holidays or anyone else's expectations GUILT/MANIPULATE/FORCE/ENCOURAGE you to get engaged BEFORE you're ready to; before YOU've done the work on yourself. YOU NEED TO OWN YOUR PART in the disintegration of your first marriage (your wife didn't just start driving home one night, pull over to the side of the road, and decide to screw some stranger). If you haven't worked on YOU, then you will have MANY of the SAME problems in your 2nd marriage that you had in your 1st.

Better to wait a little LONGER on the engagement and get it right than to rush into an engagement and find out later it was wrong!

1. Find a counselor/therapist who specializes in divorce and sexual issues. You will be GLAD you did.

2. When it is time to marry for the 2nd time (current gf, some other woman; 2013 or in 5 years), YOU AND FIANCEE need to go to some pre-marital counseling/classes put on BY YOUR FAITH. Don't care WHAT your religion is, they're offering some kind of classes for marriages; TAKE THEM, WITH HER. If your faith is important to BOTH OF YOU, then you will both benefit from the insight your religion will offer to engaged/married couples.

Good luck, marty...just don't date your mother (Back to the Future joke!)

 

[KathyBatesel]

SWG has some great points.

I have a different view on sexual matters that I'll throw out here because I suspect it may play a role in what you're experiencing. While it's admirable that you two are in agreement on waiting, sexual compatibility is an important factor for determining a couple's overall compatibility. I think you discovered this in your first marriage, and subconsciously recognize that not having sex with your new gal is presenting you with a HUGE unknown factor that could put you right back into the same predicament that hurt your first marriage.

As far as some of your other fears about "what if" this and that happens if we divorce, a prenup can go a long way toward alleviating those fears. Before jumping onto the "prenups are bad" bandwagon, consider that a prenup can be set up to cover a certain number of years and then to dissolve. For instance, for the first ten years of marriage, she wouldn't be entitled to XYZ if you divorce, but after ten years she would be entitled to ABC (everything as if no prenup was siged, or a percentage of your pension, or whatever.)

Finally, I do not believe forgiveness has happened if an event still creates fear in you. I encourage you to follow SGW's advice on seeking out some counseling to prevent your past from continuing to have a negative effect on your todays and tomorrows.

 

[martybacktothefuture1955]

You need to get into counseling to sort out a few issues.

1. Your take on sex disturbs me. You wanted to have casual sex BEFORE your wife, but couldn't (religious-induced guilt). You had an okay (a good?) sex life with your wife? You wanted to have casual sex AFTER your divorce, but couldn't (religious-induced guilt). You seem RELIEVED that your current gf does NOT want to have sex. I'm trying NOT to project my own judgements/feelings on you so I'll simply state that you seem VERY conflicted on the subject of sex.

2. Why EXACTLY did your wife cheat on you? Did she say? Was it for the sex, was she bored, did she feel you two did not communicate? or had nothing in common? Any light you can shed (to us OR to a therapist) about *WHY* your ex-w cheated on you would help.

3. Your reluctance to commit to marriage again is NATURAL and NORMAL. Doesn't mean you don't need to do some work on yourself with regard to trust and breaking down walls. Do not let the CHRISTMAS/NEW YEAR holidays or anyone else's expectations GUILT/MANIPULATE/FORCE/ENCOURAGE you to get engaged BEFORE you're ready to; before YOU've done the work on yourself. YOU NEED TO OWN YOUR PART in the disintegration of your first marriage (your wife didn't just start driving home one night, pull over to the side of the road, and decide to screw some stranger). If you haven't worked on YOU, then you will have MANY of the SAME problems in your 2nd marriage that you had in your 1st.

Better to wait a little LONGER on the engagement and get it right than to rush into an engagement and find out later it was wrong!

1. Find a counselor/therapist who specializes in divorce and sexual issues. You will be GLAD you did.

2. When it is time to marry for the 2nd time (current gf, some other woman; 2013 or in 5 years), YOU AND FIANCEE need to go to some pre-marital counseling/classes put on BY YOUR FAITH. Don't care WHAT your religion is, they're offering some kind of classes for marriages; TAKE THEM, WITH HER. If your faith is important to BOTH OF YOU, then you will both benefit from the insight your religion will offer to engaged/married couples.

Good luck, marty...just don't date your mother (Back to the Future joke!)

1. I had a fine sex life with my ex-wife, I do not think I am conflicted on sex. I do agree my upbringing maybe causes me the guilt from when I tried to have sex. However being in a serious relationship I have no guilt for sex outside of marriage. I have had sex before with GF's whom I was serious with. My current GF is the first I have not had sex with while being in a serious relationship. I respect her decision and am not trying to pressure her for that. I just wonder if my guilt is basically something telling me "Hey you know this is not the relationship for you" or "You know deep down you want something serious, not a fling". I have read online that some people are just not wired for casual sex.

2. I never got real closure for why she did what she did. I always communicated with her asking how she was, I did walk on egg shells with her my family thought however. She was more liberal than I was and also she was not into religion really. So we sorta did not "mesh" lol from the beginning but that really did not bother me because we seemed to truely love each other during our relationship. I do take fault that maybe I never really did stuff she wanted to do as much, like go to a museum, and it was hard for me to bend on things. So I have told myself to be more give in take in all future relationships, which I think I have been with my current GF.

3. I think I have worked on me truthfully, and I did go back to the jewelery store the other night and actually came home happy and not to queazy lol. I did marriage counceling with my first marriage and do not mind doing that again with a second marriage.

 

[martybacktothefuture1955]

SWG has some great points.

I have a different view on sexual matters that I'll throw out here because I suspect it may play a role in what you're experiencing. While it's admirable that you two are in agreement on waiting, sexual compatibility is an important factor for determining a couple's overall compatibility. I think you discovered this in your first marriage, and subconsciously recognize that not having sex with your new gal is presenting you with a HUGE unknown factor that could put you right back into the same predicament that hurt your first marriage.

As far as some of your other fears about "what if" this and that happens if we divorce, a prenup can go a long way toward alleviating those fears. Before jumping onto the "prenups are bad" bandwagon, consider that a prenup can be set up to cover a certain number of years and then to dissolve. For instance, for the first ten years of marriage, she wouldn't be entitled to XYZ if you divorce, but after ten years she would be entitled to ABC (everything as if no prenup was siged, or a percentage of your pension, or whatever.)

Finally, I do not believe forgiveness has happened if an event still creates fear in you. I encourage you to follow SGW's advice on seeking out some counseling to prevent your past from continuing to have a negative effect on your todays and tomorrows.

1. I agree with you on the sex before marriage I do feel that it is important to be compatable. However it is a breath of fresh air knowing that if I marry her she is pure and I have no problems with any STDs. We do have some sexual relations and we are into each other, we just only go so far.

2. I did think about a prenup for another marriage, however I have read online that they still can be challenged if there are problems so I figured I just would take my chances on that.

3. I have prayed about my ex wife and asked God to watch over her, I do not know what else I can do to release her? Sure I was sad about the first marriage ending but I believe that my new GF is the one for me. I sorta think that if my current GF came into my life before my first wife did I would not have any problems that I mentioned in the first post lol.


Thanks again for everyone help