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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi everyone,
sorry for the long post..

My wife and i have been married for 5 years, knowing each other for 12.
We're both 30yo and we have a 3yo daughter.

We met each other in college, both of us were the first relationship for each other, we never been with anyone else.
our relationship started really good, we used to go out a lot, the sex was amazing, we were living the dream (or so we thought..)

after 2-3 years, the excitement fade off, and we were starting to fight a lot.

we had a lot of ups and downs, and a lot of "make-up sex", and we kinda stretched it and decided to get married.
my wife is coming from a strict family, so we could not sleep together untill our marriage.
after we married, we lived at her family house for 2 years, and god it was though.

i used to really get along with her family, but living in the same house with them caused a ton of drama and kind of ruin my relationship with them, ever since then we have some kind of a cold relationship (covered by a fake warm one)
during those two years, my wife and i barely talked to each other (we were both working on a different time schedules)
when our daughter was born, we moved out to our own house.
my wife became a "stay at home mother" (she wanted that, i was strongly against it) and i kept working - i have a relatively high income, so we could afford it)
once we start living in the same house, we realized that we dont really have anything in common, we like different things, in every topic.
so for the past 3 years, we're living like a partners, and because we have different goals in life (she want to stay at home, and i want to retire early) - we fight a lot and our life together is very difficult.
we dont do anything together, even with our daughter, its either my wife playing with her or i do, but never at the same time.

we barely talk to each other, only if its important stuff or if we want to get something off our chests..

we started to see a therapist one and a half months ago, but i feel like its too late and there's nothing we can do to save it, or more precisely, there is nothing we have to save.

i feel like there was never really something between us, like all there was is that intimacy we shared (we was each-other first).

coming from a strict background, my wife will never want to divorce, she prefer things to stay like they are..

i am very confused and dont know what to do, on one hand, i think that us staying together will be good for our daughter, she's is extremely "needy" (but in a good way) for both of us, and i think that it will break her heart to see us divorce.

on the other hand, I don't feel i love my wife anymore (or that i ever did) and dont feel like she loves me (we talked about it a lot and she say she does, but I don't feel it..)
I know it sounds bad, but im looking at my wife and sadly i think she is not the person i want to get old with.. we just don't get along..

now, we so not share any intimacy anymore, we dont kiss, hug or anything like that in the past 2 years (it feels wierd when we do), we barely talk, even in family dinners, and barely stay near each other (we always look for an excuse to leave)

seeing other couples really hurt, because we can immediately tell that our relationship doesnt work.

we talked about getting a divorce once and agreed that we will do it together without all the drama, we even made a paper saying what will go to whom (basically half for each) and that we will have equal time with our daughter, we wanted to go to a lawyer to sign it but then decided to try seeing a therapist first (last thing to try before we divorce..)

considering all of that, what do you guys think i should do?
please ask for specific if any piece of the puzzle is missing, i really need an advice here.

Thank you.
 

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It does feel like a piece is missing, is there something that went wrong for you other than living with her family? It sounds like things were amazing and now you don’t think you can grow old with her?

What brought the switch on? You mention a few times you think you never really loved her?

Is there another woman that you’re interested in or of not a women you know, are you fantasising about something else? It’s very normal for excitement to fade, but this sounds really serious
 

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Please use proper punctuation in your posts. It's hard to read what you wrote. Thank you.
 

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Therapy will NEVER work if you go in with an attitude that it's too late. if that is your attitude, don't waste your time and money on a therapist. But if you feel that it IS worth the effort, then put everything into it for a while. Go with the goal of getting your marriage back on track. Only after an honest effort in therapy can you make a decision on your future.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Therapy will NEVER work if you go in with an attitude that it's too late. if that is your attitude, don't waste your time and money on a therapist. But if you feel that it IS worth the effort, then put everything into it for a while. Go with the goal of getting your marriage back on track. Only after an honest effort in therapy can you make a decision on your future.
I'm not sure it can work, how can you tell?
it break my heart to know that we would divorce if not for our daughter, but I'm not sure we're doing her any good as it is now, we're stuck in a nightmare.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
It does feel like a piece is missing, is there something that went wrong for you other than living with her family? It sounds like things were amazing and now you don’t think you can grow old with her?

What brought the switch on? You mention a few times you think you never really loved her?

Is there another woman that you’re interested in or of not a women you know, are you fantasising about something else? It’s very normal for excitement to fade, but this sounds really serious
we both were working with really busy schedules, i feel like it faded away long time ago, and then we stayed and it keep getting worse, from day to day we just figure out more things we do not agree on, we're both very frustrated and get very angry on very little things.

there's no one else, when looking at others i just wish i was happy like them (i know my wife feels the same), and it feels like we kind of blaming each other for the situation.
i wish there was a way to fix it, that's what i want the most, but it feels like its already too deep.
 

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You might want to start by reading a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. You and your wife should read it together if it's available in your native language.
 

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Hey it’s never too deep, if you really both want to fix it? It does sound like you want out though.

I’ll give you some advice - someone always has to go first. It’s ok not to win.

Would you be willing to go first??

It took a long time for you both to get to where you are, why not invest a long time to try? It sounds like the beginning was great, you both can be a team again. It’s ok for someone to be the coach and cheer from the sidelines. You won’t always win, but you’ll make memories and learn to aim for the finish line.

What do you want that finish line to took like?
 
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